There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Jan 6, 2017

Knives and Girls

The reason I am in awe of JJ in spite of charges of corruption or her self-promoting politics is the fact that a single woman without backing of a father, husband or a son rose above the gropers and grabbers and made them fall on her feet from far..! Growing up back home in the midst of all this, we can just say "Dear Mr/Ms attire-policing politicians and officials, age, dress, place, time nothing stops the gropers... only a hard-hitting consequence of the action will, so just stop telling girls how to dress and teach boys how to behave!!!!"

Oh, so it is easier to let the women carry knives during commute than get the men to behave in our nation's capital. Deadly weapons dont make women feel safer, good governance does.
And why do we need a govt. and pay taxes?? Cough medicine for Kejri?????

I am hopping mad when I see this... I mean, come on, do we have to let the police or the govt. know there could be women criminals too, kidnappers, pickpockets and you want to empower them???

Going back home, I am not sure how the LO will react to it IF she were to face this.  Brought up in this part of the world where getting less than 1 feet closer to an individual is like invading the privacy to my motherland where some perverts happen to think a woman's body is all up to groping, grabbing and their personal property to do whatever the hell they want to do is a scary prospect.

I have been trying to write a story in few words but never until now...

  • "I hurt say thighs, me too say eyes"

 My contribution to this, I think in my mind is to go back talk to kids at school, boys in particular about this issue and make them understand, especially the govt. schools... the more I think about it, the better I feel.

Dec 31, 2016

Political Wrapup..

There is no doubt that with CBN at the helm of affairs of the state, I feel much more comfortable, secure and confident about future than anyone else in that place in the foreseeable future. Leaving the year 2016 on a very positive note for the state.  Once I read the news of Recce or increased threat for him, the 1st thought that comes to mind is the number of tragic deaths in TDP, be it due to accidents or Maoists.  From the bottom of my heart, I do pray that he is safe and lives to be a 100 (touchwood).

 Modiji majority of indians do like "sacchaayi and Acchaayi" and have shown that they stand by these values in spite of all odds. Jantaa has done its part BUT your Sarkaar is yet to catch up as we still await cracking of whip on people who are found with lakhs of crores of rupees in new currency to begin with... Forget unearthing what they have been doing with the old currency over years, parallel economy or whatever and yes I might not be the only one who feels your latest address seems more like Satsang on "Aastha Channel."  and this means a HATS OFF to each and every person who made it possible in spite of the seemingly monkey business of government in implementation.  I still pray and hope and dread the prospect of having be led by Rahul or some puppet under Rahul and Sonia yet again and still believe that Modi will succeed in whatever he started to do.

AND it gives me creeps looking at the lady Sasikala, standing strong and so powerful in spite of all the bigwigs suspecting foul play in the death of iron lady JJ.  Her oath as GS of AIDMK all seems so disgusting and listening to her say "Makkal Naan, Makkal Kaaga Naan" in a voice that was never heard earlier somehow seems so evil and criminal.  SN as I have seen maybe a good friend or a soul sister or better still a personal caretaker whose family looted TN in the name of JJ should just have been a caretaker and not a successor.  That void left by the most well-read, graceful, dignified lady to be filled by Sasikala, to me, is a personal disaster.  Rest in Peace JJ.

Speaking of hierarchy and family in politics, the yadav clan beats them all and as the drama unfolds hope at least now people understand what they are voting for.

Rahul and Jagan in the meanwhile continue to reiterate the fact that we should be thankful that they are not ruling us yet and keep us toes to never let that happen.

JP is back to educating us and I hope his voice gains more strength and support from all the quarters and emerges as a biggest whistle blower in the politics.

PK...??  I hope he starts his groundwork to choose candidates and does a lot of groundwork picking the right people and take it from there if he is really serious about helping people by entering politics rather than his random "item" and special appearances.

Looking forward to going back home seems like bringing in that essential "life" back into life at this point..

Have a happy new year....

Dec 30, 2016


My thoughts on December 8, a month into the historic decision..

"A month into "demonetization drive" when nothing has stopped for the rich or at the least seemingly in-convinced them, instances of bank staff getting richer by the hour, new notes found on terrorists, gold stores making a quick buck, to counterfeits found, to what not in the process of finding loopholes of conversion... I salute the people of the nation who have shown the strength and resilience and the honest bank officials braving it all, still hoping and making it a "not just a failure as yet."
"Great intent with no content" is what I don't want to hear after all the hardships the common man has faced in hopes of a better future for themselves and their kids!!! Good job people and BUCK UP Modi and gang!!! the 50 days is around the corner and the big players are still at large.."

 With just another day left for Modi to address as to how he is going to take it further.

It is easier for me to be optimistic because I was not inconvenienced at all by the long queues, the cash-strapped life and so much of confusion with flash news and ever-changing rules by RBI "కేంద్ర ప్రభుత్వ కీలక నిర్ణయం" has  become  a laughing stock but yes, I am absolutely bowled over by the confidence of people who have faced all these and still think there is some hope.

Hope Modi does live up to the hopes of millions of honest people rather than supporting a few black money hoarders, the lakhs of crores of new currency caught but no action taken, with the rich going cashless easily while the poor are struggling yet hoping against hope that something good comes out of it.

I would consider the demonetization drive a success if at least a handful of such people are arrested and shown their place, looking for a ray of hope that the govt. has not done all this just to inconvenience the honest middle class but to actually fill their lives with hope that not everything is lost yet... it has been a hectic past few days and I am babbling and writing just because I dont want to lose this train of thought.... will get back and possibly edit or leave it like this and post more...

Dec 26, 2016

A slap and a turnaround...

Like I had mentioned many times before, I have been lost in the world of FB and browsing and all lost in my own world with a million things bringing me down (mentally) and some things just keeping me afloat... lost in the cyber world, internet to the point of internesting, forming my own nest in there, to the point of becoming a walking zombie craving for that browsing time, smart phone not helping, too many resolutions just to use the phone for talking and nothing else but then whatsapp as if everything in my world depends on it.  It is like people dont exist only their profiles and their whatsapp ids, talk and respond there and in person just zombie along...  Hate to talk to someone in person, wait for them to stop talking so that i can go back to my world and forget myself in that, classic symptoms of depression, eating too much, putting on weight but just looking at it helplessly than set about doing anything about it...

A real good blog buddie Chandu has put up compliment thing for spreading cheer on his FB page and this is what he had to say about me...

For the record, I revere you. One of the most intelligent, articulate, well-informed, emotionally strong women I've ever known. Also I'm perennially amazed at your ease and command over both English and Telugu. When somebody makes a kind remark about my writing skills, I always wish you don't see that to save myself from embarrassment. You, my friend, are a bonafide scholar.

To be really fair and honest, I dont deserve such high praise and I am not being modest or humble about it because I know what I have turned into, an addict in the real sense with no purpose in life than force myself to wake up, cook clean volunteer a bit and then come back and find rescue in the world wide web that sucked me into it providing me comfort and solace from the demons in my head.

It felt like a tight slap to come to senses, to be able to be that 0.000001% at least of what someone else might think of me, after consistently being made to feel like being good for nothing and then ending up feeling like one is going to be my turnaround.. to pick up and take it from there.. being closer to 40 than 30s, entering the middle age with still a little child who needs nurture to be able to build up on her nature, I cant just give up and go on zombied.

I see that I cant write that well or express that well but I will try, I will, I will and that in fact has been the motivation for me to kickstart what I had stopped a while ago, write and get it out...

Dec 25, 2016

Movies This Week

At the risk of sounding unpatriotic to the exclusive FB-moral policing gang ;)Dangal as expected turns out to be a wonderfully executed script with some really good performances by the freshers Fatima and Sanya and for once someone else in the same frame as Amir steals the thunder from him.  Though the pace seems slow and feels like a drag at times, I guess that is needed to validate the victory at the end.

Much against the general feel that these actors make more on such biopics than the real sports person, I do tend to feel many out here like me would not have known of their existence in the first place and still the world would go on.

Ramu strikes again, the film title and promotions triggering a controversy over nothing, building up hype and expectations and the output turns to be a bummer for those who expect to see anything more than diplomatic view...!

The movie has his trademark gory violence as well as human element to those crimes, could have done away with kumari and wedding song and those extreme visuals. BGM, taking, recreating that era, artists, performances, very good.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, every individual who grew up in those times would have an idea of the incidents and the stories passed down to the younger ones through eavesdropping or active participating in the discussions of adults.  The move is exactly what we knew happened, so I am sure the other party would be offended.  In fact I am surprised it is not titled Devineni 'cos as RGV says if it is the emotional aspect of the rowdyism, then it seems as if it is seen through the eyes of Nehru.  If we happen to follow Nehru or what he has maintained throughout, with a slight dramatization, it is just the same.

Vangaveeti, like RGV has maintained, is shown as the start and end of rowdyism, gang killings starting with Chalasani ending with Ranga and we end up having a soft corner or at least an understanding of Nehru and his popularity.

Contrary to the belief that the involved parties encourage caste-ism, I believe that it is the politicians that used the cast card to trigger unrest.  I agree totally that if Ranga, used caste, it was just to put the opposite party and the government in defense and thereby maybe attempted to save himself.  No matter how careful and manipulative one is, sometimes intense emotions prevail and nothing comes to rescue.  Student emotions, the blur between the rowdies and students, the settlements in the name of student politics, the unfortunate fact that politics play a major role in college days is shown.

To give him his due, taking out kamma kaapu song, whatever context it would have been in, there is nothing related to caste or any inclination towards the same.

If people had expectations that RGV, would have showed anything explosive in the movie, then they certainly have not understood him or his antics as of yet.  As is the norm, there is more explosive context outside of the movie between Radha Jr. and RGV than on screen.

Dec 21, 2016


I don't believe Vangaveeti is going to be his last Telugu film like everyone else ;)  who was present at the venue.  It is just a matter of time before something controversial catches his attention and he unleashes it on us... this was what I had predicted while still watching the event and yes by the end of it looks like he might do Siva-2 and maybe a few more... and wait, coming to that who is going to watch "Naeem" or "Sasikala" in Bollywood or maybe he will they did watch Killing Veerappan right.  With Ramu anything is possible any time.

Coming to this one, I am extremely curious as these are events closer to home and emotions of quite a few of those who associate with Vijayawada, a so-called biopic which is difficult to digest and convince people who have strongly biased beliefs on events, incidents and people about to be unveiled on screen 2 days from now.

The trend of making biopics on people still alive and immediately when the incidents take place seems to be on rise.

For a person born in Krishna District and associated with Vijayawada and belonging to either of the so-called "saamajikavargam" in the whole equation, emotions would be high.  A generation like mine grew up on stories of pre and post Ranga days, the people of these 2 castes or communities still do not get along well or just put up appearances and each section wants to believe that the other is at fault.  There is no denial that post-Ranga incident, Vja has changed a lot for good after all the property damage and stuff but people do have bitter memories of the violence outbreaks.

A distant relative was shot dead, he was a doctor and he was killed because he opposed the damage that was being done to the hospital premises or something like that which I dont remember clearly now.  Horror stories of loot, burning/damaging properties, and violence haunted people for a lot of days.  My firsthand experience was that one of my maama's was in Hyd and his family was in Vja and hearing the news he rushed back, everyone was so stressed out as we communications were not this good, no mobiles and even phones were not common in households back then, he started and took a lorry or any mode of transport he could find at that point to reach Vja and we did not know if he reached as there were no telephone booths open, my parents were tensed and somehow we got to know all was well but the fear was palpable in everyone.

When OA was excited and decided to watch the movie, to be honest I was not sure if I wanted to see the person glorified in spite of the fact that he is dead and did not have anything to do with the aftermath, I had my reservations because I grew up listening to "one" version of the story and I am sure a lot of others might have grown up believing the "other" version.

Raktacharitra was made and maybe it might have had similar impact on people and followers of Ravi and Suri in their area... Like the OA says oorlo pelliki kukkala hadavudi, (yes, I did not grow up in Vja so he teases me when I get touchy about that place).

Fan following to rowdies, gang wars, college fights they all sound so villainous to me now but there must be a generation of kids who got swayed into this, chadulu maanesi, future choosukokunda, misplaced heroworship and all that and it is even more unsettling we make movies on them and portray them as heroes for those who might not know and need not know...

Now, I am past that reluctance phase and hoping it would release somewhere close and I get to watch the premiere show.. me and my first day first show picchi.

Nov 21, 2016

Raw thoughts....

I supported the big-note stopping right from the outset but when a friend asked why the people who support are actually supporting by listing out what she did not find convincing... I was thinking through my fingers...

I cant talk of all the supporters but as to the reason why I support it is I am fed up because I cannot make enough money to have a decent shelter on my head, cant make enough to put my child through forget a reputed school a decent enough school which focuses on kid's future and not theirs, I am tired of having to pay money to get what is my right everywhere lancham lenide pani jaragadu constable ninchi watchman daaka, emante jeetam takkuva kharchulu ekkuva antaaru.

Taxeski TDS unte govt. ki eltundi lekapote avasaramaa nenu govt. services emi vaadukunnaale ani egese mindsetlo perigaanu idi tappu ani kooda anipinchanantagaa naa bloodlo adi cheripoyindi, ilaa continue autoo unte where will it lead to??

Naaku akkada nacchadu kaabatti nenu convenientgaa NRI life lead cheyyaali anukuntunna, tellodu ni choosi bhayam, nallodini choosi bhayam, anni sardukupotoo kooda India ellalante bhayam kaabatti ikkade undipovaali, GC procedure problem lekundaa aipovaali anukuntoo kids ki ide correct ani sardicheppukuntoo try chestoo unna I know it is my insecurity more than her future.

Change raavali anukuntaa adi elaa vastundo teliyadu, naa vantu cheyyaali anukuntaa edo chesaanu ane anukuntaa but edi work avvaledu, intalopu naa life aipoyindi naa kooturidi modalutundi ani artham ayyi aa aaratam inka perugutundi but i am helpless. Someone is trying to make it better, so nenu vaadini tittanu, full chance istaanu, adi tappa right evaru tappinchukunnaaru, evariki benefit ani doubt padanu, nenu completegaa wait chestaanu. maybe chaala mandi ilaage alochistoo untaaru short, nenu Indialo naakocchedaanito honestgaa batakalenu kaabatti ikkada undaali anukuntunna, so i am hopeful, I am positive and most importantly I WANT IT TO WORK...

Jun 26, 2016

Enduko, Enduko

After Sirivennela sir, if there is some one who gives his best to his writings and touches the heart it is Chandra Bose, I appreciate quite a few of his songs..

Movie - Gopala Gopala

Pilli manaku eduru padite panulu yevi jaragavanta..
Manam pilliki eduru padite karma kaali chacchunanta
balli paluku satyamanta, balli padite doshamanta
nakka toka lakku anta, nakka arupu mrutyuvanta

enduko enduko rendu kaallu manaku mukhyamantu kudi kaalu mundu antu moodha nammakaalu enduko
enduko, enduko jeevarasulanni daivamantu jantu balulu inka enduko
neelona dhairyamundagaa daaraalu enduko
nee atmasakti undagaa taayettulenduko
Chetale cheyaka chetike ranguraalla ungaralu enduko

Perukemo mangalavaaram panulakemo amangalam
Sani unna sanivaaram jaruputaaru subhakaryam
Bandilona vandalaadi parikaraalunnagaan inta nimmakaaya paina antuleni viswaasam endu endu endu ednu endukenduko

Bhoomi banti laaga thiruguthunte, dikkulanni maarutunte vaastu nammakaalu enduko
enduko enduko oo nuvvu drusti kaastha marchukunte disti bommalinka enduko
Sulaalu notilopala gucchedi enduko, paalanni puttalopala poosedi enduko sootigaa eppudu nadavakaa inka nippulona nadaka enduko..

So simply put yet so true...

May 2, 2016

People and Perceptions

I was just looking at the video of Sreeja's wedding and was wondering how could one be so ridiculous and heartless in commenting about an individual at this time.  All one could see was the love of the father and the family for a child who had erred once, that unconditional love only the parents could shower on the kid.. no one else but the parents.  It is amazing how people's minds work, to take so much of negativity in everything...

That aside,  I am fairly regular, rather an extremely active participant in social media but of late i just check the latest updates and make sure i comment on a few at least only to realize that a few of my very good buddies feel offended about not responding and thank God, they were open enough to ask and clarify that nothing is wrong and OF COURSE nothing is intentional anyways...  that sets me thinking that we dont get to go in a shell in a society, selectively or partly or unintentionally if there are your buddies they will pull us out or they get into another shell altogether where we are left to worry whatever happened????  

May 1, 2016

Spring in the step and in life

It was raining all day, the kid had first day of soccer all of them played in the field in the rain... loads of shopping done, the rain washed off the pollen a bit, the greenery all the more green, new beginnings, flowers everywhere... loving it though it does feel like winter still and not spring, there is spring in the kid's step and there is spring everywhere around...

Apr 30, 2016

Z - Zeal

It is vital to have a passion for something in life otherwise it becomes such a drag.  That missing something and that something which clearly shows in all my posts so far.  Looking back I can clearly feel the difference in the rest of my posts over the years and the ones now but then the revival has happened and I am positive the zeal to make it happen and the end of writer's block is going to be there soon..

come to think of it, it is not a writer's block it is a pause in the life a loooooooooooooooong pause of meaningless meandering around mundane things of life...

Thank you A-Z challenge to keep me motivated to post, it did help...

With just a few more minutes to spare to the end of this challenge, I reach the finish line...


Y - Yearning

Human mind yearns for something that is not within its reach.  I yearn to go back to life with my grandparents, where I did not have the luxuries but the youth and enthusiasm to go on with life, longing to be a part of natural lifestyle, up close with nature but then reality knocks at the door and here we are slogging it out every day.

Apr 26, 2016

X - X-Mas

The spirit of Christmas is so infectious here in US, everything so bright, nights are so lit up and pretty, Santa in the malls, songs on the radio, happiness everywhere.. festival in the truest sense.  Coming from India where almost every other week is a festival if we celebrate, it comes as a change.

Brightly lit streets remind me of Diwali at home, the red and gold the bright colors from the sober colors we usually get see on people outside, the egg nogg, the Christmas trees, the yard decors everything cheery....

This year, the child got her own little Christmas tree, decorated it the way she liked the best and was happy making me happy... This is the only festival she knows is celebrated given that we don't believe in any family rituals at home and nothing specific is done.

Apr 25, 2016

W - Work

One major question mark in my life is work.  Well there is work every single day but when I mean work, it means that which has goals and targets set for me, which earns money, respect and adds value to my life.  Have always had set targets for myself, reached the milestones where needed, tried to be the best in what I did and when I look back, I was very happy as long as I worked, lived life on my terms, did job on my terms and I do miss it, miss a structure in my life, miss anything purposeful to do.  Although being a mom and a wife and a homemaker is a full time job, I am slipping into a zombie mode slowly but surely....

V - Vegetarianism

Food is an acquired culture and I wish a lot of times that I were raised a non-vegetarian.  As a child, I never thought about how the meat comes, it tasted yummy, it was a treat once a week, then as an adult it was a habit and the first choice given I had an option.  Moving out here to US, eating out meant less vegetarian options and then chicken all the way.  I try hard to stop but I guess the hard is not enough 'cos I still end up eating meat from time to time.

I have noticed a difference in when I eat meat and when I dont.  If we pay close attention to our body, we realize the changes happening within, how it impacts any of us, the emotions.  I am sometimes amazed how much the pull of tongue is that I am not able to give it up for good.  It is still a work in progress I so wish I did stop it like yesterday...

Apr 23, 2016

U - Uber

Life for a nondriver in US is too dependent, long waits for bus, high prices for cabs, requests and more requests and all in all a pain.

Uber has come to me as savior, not too expensive, on time and independent.  It feels good to be able to move around with the child without any help.

PS:  I note my posts are getting smaller and smaller and more and more irrelevant these days and it kind of shows the lag that is kind of setting in, dragging and doing it by force and lot of self motivation.  I do not want to give up on the challenge or the note to myself to scribble something at the end of the day and see how much gibberish I can fill in here before I get back on track...

Apr 22, 2016

T - Time

Time and tide wait for none.  Have been hearing this all through my life... In a day, having nothing in specific to do on certain days, I lapse into my TV watching, browsing mode and then within no time it is time pick the child.  Time just disappears into thin air when it comes to a growing kid, here an infant, there a toddler ad within no time a 7-year old... so many things I want to do with her but the merciless time just runs and runs...

S - Sanity

It is very difficulty to retain sanity surrounded by people who expect to you to allow them to walk all over you.

To be sane with so many things going on your life is a well balanced act.... S also stands for sleepy, which I am right now but got to finish a post on this alphabet so I just zip through it :).

Apr 20, 2016

R - Reason

Like the adage goes common sense is the most uncommon thing these days, it is also a fact that we cannot reason with a person who is bent on being unreasonable.  I hate group politics or for that matter anything to do with having to do more than regular hi and byes in a group.  It is extremely difficult not to get into anything if we tend to go out often to the same places and keep bumping every day.

Of late I have been sucked up into a conflict between a few individuals refusing to see reason and then pulling everyone in the periphery to take sides but shouldnt that be an indicator to just leave it and run and not look back.. in stead there I am trying to fix it somehow... that itself is beyond reason... grrr...

Who said reasoning with self was easy, it is easy to give in to the spur of the moment against all good sense... 

Q - Quantico

 At this point in time, the crazy cranky me has got hooked on to Quantico and of course what else would I be doing watch it back to back whenever possible.

I actually thought of writing a post on Quest, Questions and Queer whatever or all 3 put together but given the fact that I skipped a day to post but not skipped watching an episode makes it worthy of the post.  I have stopped checking out any series on netflix or just because of the fact that they are readily available at one place and then there is no stopping me whatsoever until I finish it.  Yes, I liked it, there was this initial suspense but down to 13 and still not able to figure out a thing is not actually gripping but kind of getting boring but then me being me will see the end of it and get up to date.

Priyanka is good, better than expected, the fact that she ended up in this major role is commendable and must agree she is doing a great job.

PS:  I must confess that though I want to really put my heart into it and write good, these days out of sheer exhaustion at the end of the day, I am posting without thinking or am posting stuff that need less thinking....

Apr 18, 2016

P - Photos

One of the things that makes me happy is looking at pictures of mine, my friends and random people trying to figure out their exact feelings at the time of the captures, the moments that were frozen in print or on the camera.  It gives me immense pleasure to go back to that time with a smile on the face or a sadness at the memory of the loved ones who are not there with us either physically or at a distant place.  I used to cherish a camera, the good old roll camera where prints needed to be developed, stored in albums, stick ons or  slip ons, brought out time and again.  There was a value for the moment and we revisited often.  In the midst of all the digital pics that we take, everywhere and anywhere from the digicams, handicams, the smart phones and of course the latest craze of selfies.

I used to love photography at some point and when I could not afford a decent camera, one of my dreams was to buy a camera but then after I could, it never really clicked.  Looking through the lens was never my forte as such or let me put it this way, I could not just do it at the pace I wanted to and the spark just died off.  I am amazed at the number of pictures some people take, every where and anywhere, the distorted faces, the pouted lips, the selfies so much so that they forget to live the moment, everything for the picture, smiles, poses and worst part is the wedding photographers, it is like no one can see the event happening live in front of the eyes with their own 2 eyes, only on screens, or some gaps between the hovering lights, camera, cousins with cams, phone cams, etc.

Watching the event live, resisting the urge to take n number of pictures, letting the designated camera persons to do the needful should be good or at least I have realized that.  When the kid performs, we watch it, I prefer enjoying the moment, retaining that feel.  I have thousands of photos and videos I have not gotten back to in a long long long time and if I had continued at the rate I took them in the first year of kids life I would have taken millions of them by now.  If I miss this moment trying to film it than enjoy it, I can never live the moment.  Yes memories are important, they should be made along the way, they should be natural, not manufactured smiles, pretension rather than real feeling, I might not get along with the person next to me but the moment a cam comes on, the actor in me takes a plunge and yes we look like the best buddies all plastic smiles plastered over...

I am not saying everyone is like that or every moment is like that.  we need to capture the moment at that moment and then let it go, not get hung up on it.

Apr 17, 2016

O - Outdated, Old

My birthday and what a coincidence, as I get old I get the alphabet O on this day.  It seems like ages since I have been inhabiting this earth, less and less of people we call grandparents, lots and lots of kids calling me aunty :).  Except for the lack of stamina, it does not really bother me much.

Finally I have that single strand of white hair which technically is a starting point of "old" and as the adage goes it is absolutely true, you are only as old as you think you are...

Old movies, old songs, old friends, old people are still my favorite things.

Outdated I am in various ways, career wise, technology wise and also contemporary trend wise......

Apr 16, 2016

N - News (Nuisance and New Sense)

News from all over India and World News, I remember waiting for that round ball and that DD tune, first "praanteeya vartalu" then Jaateeya vartalu and late at night prapancha varthalu.  we used to look at TV with quite a lot of interest to know what is happening, which Summit, what olympics, what new budget, just the important and crucial information, important and meaning discussions.  Programs like Surbhi, intelligent and informational.  Now switch on a TV, all sorts of nonsense, celebrity gossips, political garbage, a couple fights, a boyfriend and girl friend make a ruckus,with 24/7 airtime, we get everything but useful news, more of a nuisance and the new sense that it is full of nonsense and often makes you feel that we can do away without knowing what they want to feed us.  Each party has a channel, a paper which acts like promotional videos 24/7 and party manifestos or daily newsletters doing nothing mudslinging on everything and every one opposing that party in question.

New words coined, new issues brought forth to keep the TRPs rolling, pushing the mike in front of a mom whose kid just died as to how she feels, disgusting!!

Apr 15, 2016

M - Memories

Memories, ever present, ready to descend on us the moment we knock their door.  The treasures that we gather over a lifetime, some times like our friends bringing in fragrance of the past and at times enemies rippling up the calm surface for a long long time.  Wanted, unwanted, invited, uninvited, memories are our constant company just a call away, soothing you, ruffling you, healing you of pain, causing a series of pain, all at once in a moment of seconds hand in hand with our thoughts...

Memories we want to share with our loved ones, memories that we would not want anyone to know, those that we want to forget so badly like those scary bad dreams you vaguely remember on waking up and then actually completely forget.

Some I want to bring back time and again, to live in that warmth like the voice of my grandmother, the touch of my grandfather, that feeling of sleeping in her lap... the scents in the kitchen that remind me of her, those taste buds that crave for the exact same taste of her handmade food, that protective hand of my grandfather, that look of concern in his face when he thought or knew I was hurting, those childish games, running around in the comfort of their home, every thing that I can give anything to get back to but know I cant.

Some I want to shut out completely, not even think to myself, some things I did, things that happened, choices that I made, options that I did not take, people I disappointed, career path, the way I let it go.

and then there is this eternal reminder to live in present and not in memories and come back to the moment on hand, NOW and wonder what kind of memory this present would make..

Apr 14, 2016

L - Love

Everything that we do in life is with love, otherwise it does not have a meaning, at least to me.  I have realized one thing of late that "loving yourself" is the most important thing.  Well, it might be but natural 'cos that is what I was destined to being the typical Linda Goodman style Arien :-) whose first love is supposedly "I, Me, Myself".

The first, foremost and the most precious love that I had known or can recollect is that of my grandparents, strangely yes, it is was amma and taatee and not my mom and dad, maybe because that is where I grew up most of my preschool life.   They were poor, had to take monetary help from my parents to give us what "extra benefits" (fancy clothing, hyd-suitable lifestyle, all that) our parents wanted us to have but still nothing compared to the food that tasted the yummiest in spite of simple ingredients, no frill comfy clothing and completely organic fresh lifestyle free from pollution and lots and lots of attention, it was love everywhere and that mattered the most.

Then the parental love, mom worked hard at job and at home to give what she thought was the best, good education, good upbringing, good values.  I remember dad showering all his love on me vaguely but then it stops there, I cant recollect anything more maybe that anger in me is blocking those childhood moments.

Sibling love, one who has gone through every single thing that I had gone through as a child, maybe the only one who comes closest to myself to actually understand how I turned out to be me, my fears, my insecurities, my stubbornness, my strengths, my weaknesses my everything, my rock solid pillar.  It is a strange relationship where we hardly talk around 2 to 3 times a year yet I know he is there for me and vice versa.

Love from friends that kept me going through highs and lows, support and encouragement, unconditional love, my guardian angels without wings who have taken care of me without expecting anything...

Then came some infatuations, crushes and major crashes and finally a love which turned out to be a decision to spend the rest of our lives together and here we are, are we still in love, yes we love the fact that we are destined to be together and love the security that we have each other, that we have a common factor to glue us together, a child that we brought into our lives.  It is not all rosy anymore but there are no thorns either.

AND it is only after the birth of my daughter that I actually understand and relate much more to all the types of love that I have ever experienced.  LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... the kid all covered in gooey mess, just cleaned up and placed in front of me, a pink leaf-thin tongue sticking out and licking me and that is when everything else falls into a perspective.  Nothing else matters more than her.  I am not sure how I would react to a child of my child or if I would be alive to feel that but I know one thing for sure nothing has been or will be the same once you feel that gushing love for a child, your own flesh and blood.

How can this post be complete without my true and one and only love, the "Almighty" the purest of pure forms of love.

Apr 13, 2016

K - Kindness

Being kind is the simplest thing that one can do, we need not go out of our way to make someone feel special or give us their best of the smiles.  Children by default do that, spread joy through their smiles which they are kind enough to show on everyone and anyone they see and who they don't feel scared of or threatened by.

Random acts of kindness do give immense pleasure, something as simple as letting the other person go in front of you in a grocery line, offering to hold the lift door or the door when the person has 2 handfuls of stuff to hold on to, things as simple as these.  Kindness is not something one has to try hard to inculcate it has to be the second nature of an individual and then the human race would be an ideal lot :).

Consciously I have made it a point to do or say a good thing, however small it might be every single day whenever and wherever possible.  It does not take too much to genuinely appreciate an individual and if it brightens up somebody's day, there is nothing like it.

Apr 11, 2016

J - Job

There was never a question of not working in my life 'cos I had a working mom and also the fact that we could not afford to idle away or study further doing nothing.  I was not even a graduate when I started working and luckily it was something that I liked so it was never an issue to continue or not.  Could not work much back here due to status issues, worked for a couple of months and it never really worked out.

I am no longer sure if I can get back to working but I certainly feel that it is very important for a child to have a role model to work and go about life, stay strong, make decisions without thinking twice about finances...

Apr 10, 2016

I - India

It is but obvious that if A is for America, I would MOST certainly stand for India...

Each time my brother visits us here in US, he is like, WHATTT??  It feels like India the moment we enter your home, we talk, cook, eat, think Indian not even an effort to blend in culturally.  While we both enjoy the benefits of the west, coming to the way of life it is INDIA all the way.

There are times when my heart longs to be there, to have that sense of belonging, that "sthaana balam" to breathe the air of freedom.  Not that anyone is restricting me here, in fact it is much more free out here but still the fact that I can do whatever I want to, go wherever I want to, understand what everyone around me feels or says, whether to work or not depends on other factors than a piece of paper which seals my fate as "non-working, dependent" alien.  Be one among the "browns" not being looked down and sneered at some times openly, some times behind the back, termed rude, mean, banshees and what not, ridiculed for our dressing and food.  The eternal "curry smell" debate, the smiles that end at the lips and never reach the heart or the eyes, the constant nagging feeling that we dont belong here even though we have set our roots here, though we look like Indians but sound and live like Americans (ABCDs).. in short, in spite of all the wealth, freedom and space I dont actually feel FREE.

To deny the fact that racism exists is ridiculous, That aside, I am not terming every non-Indian into one category or whatever, the point of this long rhetoric is I dont feel I belong to this place where I live.  No matter how eloquently I might want to put in the best side of US, deep down the truth is India is my karma bhoomi.  It is the place where I know people will understand what I am, how I feel, how I would react or at least in one way or the other relate to in any remote way what I might be going through.  Whether I am limiting my kid's choices by this choice of relocating as soon as we are financially stable (but then again, how much is too much.  People who do not have a single penny or for that matter do not know where to find the next meal do survive!!!).

Phew!!! like the monkey mind jumping from a branch to another without connect I am writing without connect.  India is where my heart is, India is where my life is, India is where my destiny is as of now, this moment or maybe forever.

Apr 8, 2016

H - Housekeeping

Like everything else one thing that has changed over a period of time is my penchant to have things in order the OCD me transforming into the other extreme where cleaning is done only on an as needed basis... phew never a balance you see...

It all started with an OCD kid in the making, the one who could never focus on things if something was crooked or out of place even by 1/100th of an inch.  The panicky mom that I am takes a resolution to change that and now here we are both relaxing lazing around the piles of to-fold laundry, the to-do laundry overflowing in 1... na 2.. na 3 hampers, clothes pressed on when you need and eeks this is absolutely creased we need to... the dishwasher waiting to be emptied and you get the gist...

thinking of hiring a cleaner, so that explains it all....

Apr 7, 2016

G - God

A lot of things snap out of your life without a specific reason or maybe a lot of underlying reasons which are not obvious or so sudden to jolt you up but they sure do.  To me, God has just slipped out of my routine.  He was there I did not acknowledge, but I know I was never alone, some supreme was looking over me.  One needs to establish that connect with his/her own God, create his/her own heaven around oneself.

Finding God in work, everyone around you is one thing but finding God in oneself is much more important, we need to respect our body like a temple and the soul like a God...

For Evil Eyes on LO