Foreword

There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

Ref: Chichkoo is what I lovingly call my daughter, kiddo my brother, amma and taatee my late maternal grandparents, and OA is the other adult in the family.

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Apr 29, 2006

Farewell darling.. :-(((



How strange is the life and how amazing or the twists and turns of the so-called fate..

I think, just the other day I was remembering the fond memories of my childhood, recalling all my childhood friends, and today I am mourning one of them... Raaji (Rajeswari), she just passed away today in US. The news is shattering, the one who conveyed it to me was taatee.. for a moment, I just went blank.. it just seems to be the other day, we went to the tution together, did all those poojas in the temple, and she with a hand on her big tummy walking around her granny's place and now she has just disappeared... I just cant believe she is no more, how about the kiddo, she is not even a year old... why???

My heart just breaks thinking about her parents' plight.. her brother bhargava was murdered brutally 10 years ago and they are yet to come out it and now her, the only one left for the family. Why should this happen only to them.. two untimely deaths, that too sudden.. God, please give them courage to come out of it soon for the sake of the baby Raaji left behind..

All taatee said to me was that there is something fishy, she must have been killed by her hubby.. but how can one kill someone so ruthlessly and that too in some goddamn place called US of A. I just hope it was some natural cause and not what the family thinks it is. If yes, I will lose faith in the entire arranged marraige system.. As it is I am pulling myself up with great difficulty and putting things in a proper order, I dont need such strong evidences to go back to my own rigid ideas and opinions about certain things..

Now that I understand the pain of losing a loved one, I can actually understand what her parents must be going through right now and it really really crushes me. The worst thing is she had been all alone there in her final moments, away from every one.. how painful it must have been. They cant even see her one final time.. no idea if she can be sent to India and when if yes. It is a total chaos at their place right now..

May your soul rest in peace. Bye, bye darling.. you were a warm and sweet friend. I shall always have sweet memories when I think of you.

Those Tense Moments...

Tension... a feeling of nervousness before an important or difficult event...

In my day-to-day mechanical life, tension has become a quintessential feature that keeps popping up every now and then. Reasons are quite simple and silly but the impact is horrible. Why do we need to feel tensed about things which are not in our control, try your best and leave it. In spite of knowing that nothing can be done to avoid certain things, why do I still end up getting tensed.

Sometimes, I feel disgusted and so angry for making a fool of myself, being tensed up for unnecessary things. For the past week or so, some things have been bothering me so much. Well, at the end of it all, why the hell was I so worked up. It was nothing after all, just a few people dropping by to meet and get to know each other better.. what big deal.. why attach so many expectations and issues to something as routine as this. If you are okay, say yes otherwise No.. no issues with whatsoever outcome. This way, I would sure end up in an asylum sooner or later. I guess my parents' expectations were what got on to my nerves.

It is really difficult trying to project what you are not and what you dont like. No matter how much I tried to convince myself to leave my future in the safe hands of parents, I still have these endless doubts. There has to be an end to it all. I just want it to end soon. I feel like I just want some one, just for me.

Quote For The Day
It is appreciation of beauty and truth, the striving for knowledge, which makes life worth living.

Apr 27, 2006

A trip down the Memory Lane... summer holidays

It is getting hotter by the day in Hyd, it feels as though I am baking in the oven at this very moment... I just cant dare to go out even to check out the intensity of the sun's rays... dont want to end up with a sun stroke.

I remember the summer holidays at amma's place. We used to take the bus on the last examination day to Guraza, and catch up with ammulakka and Baaji our first playmates, we used to spend every summer together, always quarelling and cribbing but never staying apart. Fights, oh my God!! cats and dogs would be friendlier compared to us at times. The worst ever was bobby taking Baaji to the well to push him and Rani atta giving a nice spanking to the kiddo!! The summer fun we used to have in the holidays is unmatchable... all the kids, well actually grandchildren from the neighborhood used to gather for the vacations and there was no stopping us.. total masti.. lucky, puppy, chintu, naani, Sunita, Sunil, Bhargava, Raaji, Vijju, Chandu, Kaantu, Bittu, Paati, Sweta, Sruti, Nikki, and Phani.... relatives cum holiday friends.. every one from hyderabad but meeting only for those 1-1/2 months and create a total mess by gathering at one place.. we used to do everything together... hats off to our Golden Oldies who used to manage us. I just cant imagine myself handling my kids and their friends (such big number mind you) in a holiday mood. No way.. that thought itself gives me shivers.

Eeta kaayalu, taati munjelu, pulla icelu, tegalu, seema tumma kaayalu, maamidi pallu, and to top them all amma cheti pindi vantalu, subbigaadi sompaapidi, musilibaddi jalebi... that holiday mood in the air... the usually calm and quiet households would be ringing with our laughter, cries, screams, and doggies running behind us... Will I ever get such days back or for that matter will my kids have such fun-filled memories???.

I still remember bobby, me, ammulakka, Baaji, Sweta, Sruti standing in the queue after our communal bath to get powder sprinkled and hair combed... soooooooo sweeeeeeet and go for our games (bommala pellillu, taati munja bandi racelu, daagudu mootalu, vaamana guntalu, pekata, just running around the dogs, isakato illu kattatam, librarylo kashtapadi telugu paper chadavatam) 2 hours with neighbors kids and get back home for lunch. Then afternoon naps, food again (perugannam with maamidi pandu), and then bath again and time for games once again.. tirigi raatam, annam tinesi maximum 6:30 or 7.. go to bed. Tinatam, tiragatam, solidga aadukotam.. ade jeevitamlo paramaartham typelo..

We used sleep outside looking at the stars, amma telling us stories (the famous naa puttalo velu pedite nenu kuttana one.. i used to make her tell this over and over again every night), and listening to the neigbor's radio. Morning taatee and amma used to shift our beds from the front yard to the shade so as to avoid sun rays and clean up the yard. I never ever got up even if awake just to enjoy that bed lifting exercise.. it was all fun.. just sleep and they will carry us along with our bed to a more shady place, give a nice kissie, and get back to their work. Well, that was the only peaceful moment they used to get, our morning sleep time, that is, to do some work before we got up and start our mischief and hulla gulla...

Oorlo functions, pellillu, nomulu, vonilu functions, what not, the whole gang never missed anything, being there before anyone else turns up, checking out each and everything personally and be the first to eat, and push off to the band group and just yell and shout in that music until some elders come and shoo us away.... (I just cant help laughing out aloud, just thinking that we actually did all these things).

Gorintaaku rubbi amma pettatam and the way I used to torture amma... amma durada, amma noppi, amma pissie.. amma endipoyindi teesesta.. amma water, edaina pettu, fan gaali saripotledu... Finally one time she just beat the hell out of me with a chinta barika.. and to this day, I never ever take out mehendi unless it falls off by itself..

The worst mess was when bobby and me lit up the out house just to see it burn down to ashes.. Thank God, the watchman saw it and put off the fire.. otherwise, it is scary even to imagine the consequences and the second time when we went off to cheruvu behind one bullock cart (me bobby and Sunita).. amma nootideggara chettuki kattesi kottindi... It seems funny to remember now but those month and a half must have been a nightmare for the oldies in the village. I really really have no words to appreciate their patience.

And the worst moment was the time for us to go back to schools.. amma or taatee used to come with us for a few days to get us back to the school cycle. The wait for holidays used to start from day one of school...

Miss everything, I am lucky to have had such fun.... the best and the totally rocking phase of my life!!!

Quote For The Day
The intensity of your desire governs the power with which the force is directed.

Apr 26, 2006

Sad.. there I go again!!!

Phew.. emotionally overwhelmed.. yup... that is exactly what I am right now... remember amma a lot.. that too all of a sudden.. was doing something, listing out some names and suddenly there I am in the middle of this bottomless pool of sorrow.. why the hell did you leave me like this, will I ever be able to enjoy any precious moments in life at all without you. The very feeling that I will be all alone without you by my side when I am at certain milestones of life is bothersome. Why in the name of God am I soooo attached to you that I refuse to see what life offers to me at the moment. Why am I stuck with you, why is it a vaccuum without you, pleasure is fleeting but sorrow seems to have become my shadow now a days. It has been five full months, yet the wound is very raw, a little memory stirs up the entire pain sequence. How long do I have to go through this. Do something from there, come back to me in some form or the other... I just dont know how, but do it. Dont just smile from that photograph at me.. I just cant take it... oorike undoddu, edaina cheyyiiiiiiiiiiii, naa valla kaatledu.

Dedicated viewership assured

Heeeeeeeeeeeey, my blog has a dedicated follower from today, any guesses!! ... of course, the one and only Capsi.. she has a site of her own now, sooooooooo the gang can catch up with her there... Good work Caps, keep it up!! Spices.. oh wow!!!..... Yummy and tooooooooooooo good.

Quote For The Day
Knowledge is not enough, unless it leads you to understanding and in turn, wisdom.

Apr 25, 2006

Nostalgic Moments!!!

Miss the gang terribly... remember the fun we had... total blast for 2 years!!! too precious... we meet quite a few times even now, but still those were the days, the magical moments. In the class for an hour and on the road for two ;-)... Life was fun back then.. no tensions, no hassles, jobhi hoga dekha jayega attitude... those before-test crammings, lab sessions... project rush....how I wish, we could just turn back the clock and go there... wait a moment, before you guys (Mads, Capsi, Bindu) kill me... You sure do have a rocking family life, I am talking about OUR masti moments okay. YEAH Mads... I am listening, I am on the way to get hooked too... malli call chesi maree classlu modalettoddu, I assure I am not running away this time...

Sarada Ma'm and her Chikaan dresses, Major Healey, the open-air restaurant (the paan at the end!!), road-side chaats, ice creams, loooooooooooong walks, movies, shopping, bus stop masti (45 and all those crazy AG colony buses, numbers forgotten ;-)), the night-outs, Srilu, Surekha, Revati, New Year Celebrations, Valentines days, our birthdays, and all your weddings bindu's unforgettable cyclone wedding, capsi's marraige and our initial mails to Hemanth ;-)... miss each and every single thing, especially aunty's food and "muddalu". Everything we did back then was an event in itself.

Just imagining Capsi's dad laugh when I say "aa rojule veru.." and he would say "abba cha enta musalaallaipoyaramma meeranta..."

Madhu and Capsi excused for being geographically far away but me and Bindu, NO EXCUSE.. even with Suraj and Shiva around we can still catch up.. yet to visit their new apartment, I know I am in for a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig class from the birdie... will surely make it before this month ends...

Miss you all real bad, all the more now that amma is not around.. looking forward to the moment when all of us make it at once at one place which is seemingly becoming impossible with each passing year.. by the way, when is the last time we all met... together that is... I guess my 2002 birthday was the last..

Quote For The Day
Going far beyond the call of duty, doing more than others expect... is what excellence is all about.

Apr 24, 2006

Softy Split

That term sure rings a bell... the first common yahoo id me and Capsi had...

Capsi, the girl with the gentlest manners, sweetest smile, fastest speech, and the most beautiful eyes.. we hit it off from the day we met and we seem to grow closer with each passing year, both of us making consicous efforts to catch up, meet, and still do things together. Together, we do the silliest stuff possible. Looking back, we have been an integral part of each other's life from the moment we met and it is actually very strange that we never ever disagree on anything (touch wood). Every time we are together, time just flies.. whenever she is in the city, our families are constantly behind us for actually ignoring them and the craziest night outs we do.. start our chat after an early dinner and sleeping in the wee hours of the night.. well, actually the next day morning and aunty shouting at us to get up and get ready before the water goes, uncle taking us to the movies, our stupid shopping trips (the worst one at the Spencer's in Chennai) and that dumbo Chaccheel always trying to come between us, Thank God that he is in Aussie for a while.. I am still on with Chacchu's eat-out plan, him cooking and cleaning and me at the cash counter ;-)... all said and done, I miss him too.

Cant just wait for her to come and join me for at least 2 months this time... heeeehaaa, oh boy!!! am I am happy... you betcha..

Soul Stirring.. touching!!!

Heard a lovely song today...

nuvve naa swaasa..
manasuna neekai abhilaashaa
bratukaina neetone
chitikaina neetone
vetikedi ne ninnenani cheppaalani chinni aasa
O priyatama O priyatama
poovullo parimalaanni parichayame chesaavu
taarallo minukulanni dosililo nimpaavu
mabbullo chinukulanni manasulona kuripinchaavu
navvullo navalokaanni naa munde nilipinaavuga
nee gnaapakaalanni e janma lonaina ne maruvalenani neetocheppalani chinni aasa
oo priyatama...
sooryunito pamputunna anuraagapu kiranaanni
gaalulato pamputunna aaradhana raagaanni
Erulato pamputunna aaratapu pravaahaanni
daarulato pampestunna aluperugani hrudayalayalani
E chota nuvvunaa nee koraku choostunnanaa prema sandesam vini vastaavani chinni aasa...

Strangely enough when I heard this romantic song, I thought about amma.. something wrong with me!!! Is it true when my friends tease me.. "amma is your world, do you have place for anyone else?" How can one have this kind of an attachment to another human being. She was the only one I clung to for my dear life.. 27 years... every moment of my life, she was with me... taking care of me, teaching me, guiding me, laughing and crying with me, cheering me up, pulling me up in the most turbulent times.. will there be anyone ever that I can get this close to??

How true are the words

Pedave palikina maatallone teeyani maate ammaa, kadile devata amma, kantiki velugamma
Tanalo mamate kalipi pedutundi muddagaa
tana laali paataaloni sarigama panchutundi prema madhurima
manaloni praanam amma
manadainaa roopam amma
yenaleni jaali guname amma
nadipinche deepam amma
karuninche kopam amma
varamicche teepi saapam amma

Apr 22, 2006

Crush, Infatuation, Love....

Bobby's friend Pavan had come home with his would-be. It felt great just looking at them. They were not the hip and hep type of a couple, you know not that hot chick and a handsome hunk jodi.. but a plain and simple yet sweet and cute couple very much in love and trying to understand and be there for each other.

Looking at them my thoughts linger along the lines of crushes and crashes one has in life...

Childhood, the sweetest and the best phase in life, where nothing really matters yet it seems that it does. Those five-minute crushes and instant crashes, those puppy loves, and dreamy thoughts... the best life can get before we are thrown into the harsh realities. How lucky are those who get to give a beautiful ending to such a relationship.

When I see some college kids in love, I just wonder where would they end up and just pray for a moment that they never get separated and live a dual-life the rest of their lives. Is it easy to forget something which we had felt for once..... well, maybe yes or maybe no, depends on the intensity they had in that particular relationship.

Infatuation... is it just an adoloscent trait?? Naaaaaaaaah.. I think it continues throughout our life, in one form or the other. We get infatuated every now and then, fall in and out of love, even before we realize we do.. well, at least I seem to do that quite consistently ;-).. actually quite strange, some crushes are so fleeting that they dont even last more than an hour or so. Is it normal.. does every one have this kind of a nature or am I the only specimen in the entire universe.

Phew.. rest it dear.. it is just an idle and overactive mind at work.. do something constructive and you wont have time to think of yourself let alone another person.

For Evil Eyes on LO