There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.
Ref: Chichkoo is what I lovingly call my daughter, kiddo my brother, amma and taatee my late maternal grandparents, and OA is the other adult in the family.
Apr 25, 2007
Why?? This is what I ask every time I remember you. There is so much going on in my life, mostly good, everything that you ever wanted for me and more, but then you are not there to see that. I want to call you up and talk to you just like I used to when you were around. I just want to see that naughty smile of yours when you tease me, that affectionate look, even that given-up look, anything!!!. I see traces of you in your children but nothing and no one can ever fill that void left by you.
Even in the happiest of the moments, I suddenly feel your loss and that acute pain returns. Even though I have tried to get up and get going with my life with my wonderful other half, I miss you terribly.
Where are you???? I try to see you in every which form I can, the sky, the water, the air I breathe and every where.. for no reason at all, you just flash in my mind and each time I yearn to touch you and feel your presence near me. I do feel that courage which I need most of the times to go on from you but that is not enough. I know you are my guardian angel but I want you as my amma right next to me... As I set out to walk on this pleasant spring evening, all I want is you to accompany me and feel the same joy with me and for me.
Am I living with the dead, am I stuck with the past and not living the present??? just no idea!!! There are moments like these all of a sudden and then in a while, I remember that flashing smile and get back to normal but the intensity of pain in that little time say 10/15 minutes is too much... well with you being gone almost for a year and a half, I must say I am doing a lot better at least in terms of frequency, give me that courage to go on...