There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Apr 25, 2007

Battles With Blues... SS in US - 10

Looks like I am falling into a pattern of looking at things and specially myself in a much more critical way. Is it because I have too much time on my hand that I dont know what to do with. Are the countless movies that I watch these days making this kind of impact on me. dont know. Everything seems to be perfect but nothing goes right. There is nothing that anybody does, no external family influences whatsoever because we live so far out here and nobody says anything but good or pleasant.

Actually speaking, it is the right kind of situation to make the most of and achieve what all I have longed for in life. Free time and life faraway from day-to-day struggle is all that I had been longing for when busy with studies or job or when tangled up in family situations and yet I am not really liking it. Why am I always running behind those mirages of things which are not there with me at the moment?

Even the trivial-most things at times, like gloomy weather, unclean kitchen, bring me down to tears and there are times when there is a reason but not a big one to cry, be a sissy and make an issue of it but then the tears just wont stop, it is not a pre-planned cry session but they just flow freely much to the astonishment of me and my other half. It is difficult even for me to understand so I cant expect S to just ignore it without being disturbed.

Sometimes I wonder where that strong-willed, independent, and carefree ME has disappeared. Where is this person who did not care what the whole world said or did and was focused on the things that she wanted in life. I just feel like a shadow of what I had been earlier. Just need to pull up my own strings because no matter how supportive my dearest one is, it is ultimately ME who needs to raise above it all and emerge a winner in this battle between boredom and self-worth!!! Get, Set, Go...


Minal said...

Hang on Sush. And, I feel it is the loneliness that is getting to you. You have just stopped working and once your body and mind gets used to the deadlines/pressure/stress it is extremely depressing to not have that in life because then you overanalyse things.
Sad, but true. Hang on.
Prayers, lots of it , for you

Kalpana said...

Sush, I faced all these too. Keeping or getting busy is the best way to come out of it. Our mind should stop thinking unnecessarily. If done, everything is set else life will become a boredom. Be active and just be the way u're.

For Evil Eyes on LO