Foreword

There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

Ref: Chichkoo is what I lovingly call my daughter, kiddo my brother, amma and taatee my late maternal grandparents, and OA is the other adult in the family.

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Sep 21, 2007

If there was..

If there was any way to know about the complexities of a human mind and its insecurities, I would give anything to get a hold of that. When a person resorts to some act (of course they do think it is right, why else would they do it) why do they resist another person doing the same. If one laws applies to one the same to others too right!!!!

Little reminder..

What do you want the most in your life???

This is one question that kept cropping up every once in a while when I was alone thinking about the future or when with friends or family discussing the future course and the answer has been more or less consistent from ever since I remember. "Happiness" yup, that is the only thing that I ever wanted, even as a kid, not riches, not material things, not anything only one thing predominantly "happiness" and I strongly believe that it is we ourselves who decide whether or not to be happy. My other choices had been freedom, financial independence, peace of mind, friendship, love.. but one thing or the other I wanted happiness. I will not let anyone, ANYONE.. ruin that dream of mine and take away the precious moments of my life.

Rambling....

Religion to me is something I have come to identify myself with. There has been no control on what I was born into but I have decided to go with the one I was born into because I was taught to believe every religion has its own significance and for me, it is like okay in this life let me carry on with this one :).

I am not overtly religious or superstitious. Prayer of any form to me is to bring peace of mind and some clarity to my cluttered mind. Church or a Temple when I am there I feel that powerful sanctity around me. Mosque, I had never been to, so cannot say. I cringe internally when I see people abuse any religion... well, well, why am I talking about all this, no specific reason, I am not here to champion any cause or ridicule any belief, just to put in my random thoughts and beat around the bush for a while.

I feel bad when someone questions my motives or intentions. My feelings are hurt real bad when the question of why do pooja when you dont respect the husband.. excuse me!!! My idea of respecting a person, be it husband or any one is to respect him as an individual and be honest and fair to the other person, not act "you are my God".. gimme a break, I can assure no one can think like that 100% of the times. When i say something it is because I have the freedom to say so or at least i think i have when I realize I dont, I wont.. that is it!!! At least I am not like those hundreds of housewives who do pooja for the gold, clothes and showoff or mint money from the husband and the family in the name of customs (I have seen loads of them myself).

Awww... now that I have come out with what I have been feeling for a while I feel good.. :).. so true, blogging is really therapeutic just like the spring cleaning. :)

Sep 14, 2007

Vigna Raju Vinayakuniki Jai!!!!!



Wish each and everyone of you a very very happy Ganesh Chaturthi...

On nature and moods...

Why the hell are there these mood swings in humans??? one extreme to another, the balance is something which is rare and shortlived!!!

This adds another question to the long list of to be answered, unanswerable ones.

Why cant a person's feelings be independent of another's. The human mind acts so differently. It always wants to control the other person's life, mind, feelings and everything, well to make things clear when we dont listen to our own inner self why the hell do we expect others to do things according to our wish. Why does a person need to exercise control over the other???

Sep 13, 2007

Any Difference??

Well, how different is working after marriage??? This is one question the people I knew prior to marriage ask me..well, it is a lot more different now.. to explain that I need to get in a little more deeper.

My job is such that it needs a lot of concentration and undivided attention while proofing the medical reports (I am an MT remember). When in office, there is obviously such an environment to be able to perform the task on hand but when working from home, it is a tough balance. People don't realize that you need to really work to get paid. They just see the good pay, the comfort of not going to office in the traffic, and working any time you want to. All that perks aside, it really is difficult working from home, getting into that mood to work, working in solitude, and no one to talk to in person while at work really gets to you after some time. Fortunately, back at home I had a good balance of everything, a separate room all for myself, and a friend circle from the same profession who understood what is actually needed. Life back then was royalty!! the day beginning with dad making fresh pomegranate juice, mom making the breakfast, coming back from office (we stay in her office campus) to serve hot lunch and then evening snacks. No household responsibilities nothing!!

Well, compared to that life my work has obviously doubled up but I don't actually feel the difference as of yet because I am still in the training phase and the workload is relatively a little less initially. I see more order in life now, wake up on time, cook properly, eat regularly on time, keep the house clean, and maintain it. The social network has cut down gradually but I don't really miss any of that. Sometimes a little hectic, but I am actually content the way it is going. I appreciate the work, the off, the people, and even OH more than I did earlier. My mind is a lot more clear of negative thoughts and that is the best part. I am not scared or worried about anything. Job, I think, gives me the feeling of security and stability. Marraige gives that sense of security too but standing on one's own feet along with the support system actually makes the vital difference.

Sep 12, 2007

NY and 9/11...

This post is going to bring together two very different emotions that I had been through when I visited NY.

Had been wanting to do a post on NY for quite some time now, actually since the time we had been to NY in July. I loved all the skyscrapers and the busy life there, not a dull moment any time in that huge place. Now, those who know me in person know that I am a bundle of contradictions.. one such example is I like peace, calm, quite and serene atmosphere but at the same time the busy crowded, fast-paced downtown life is something which I would love to be part of. We had been to our friend's place near White Plains which was located in a place which is an easy drive from the busy NY life and also Bear Mountains which is full of greenery, the kind of place where I actually want to live in.

Whenever I watch Friends or Law and Order or catch some glimpses of Sex and The City, King of Queens, or for that matter most of the programs on TV, I know I have seen them and been there. All the life seems to be in and around that place. To me, it is the most happening place that I had ever set my foot on. Standing in Times Square at 9 p.m. on a weekend I felt like I am in the ocean of people, so many different people, different races, languages, busily carrying on their with their lives, all together at the same place but each in a world of their own.

The one thing that almost brought tears to my ears is the fact that we were near the Ground 0 or the place where the twin towers stood. I felt like I relived the moment that I saw on the TV. That image of smoke through one tower and a fireball through another, is probably etched in my memory forever. I could not even bring myself to imagine what the people present there at that particular moment would have felt at the impact and that chaos, not knowing what has happened or what would happen.

Being here on 9/11 this year, six years after the actual event, I got to know a lot of things which I never even try to find out back in India. The conspiracy theories, the people still struggling with the fact that it had happened at all, the victims who are yet to be identified, the rescue workers and the nearby residents suffering from chronic illnesses arising from all the rubble and dust... a lot of things that just make me wonder WHY???? WHAT DOES ONE GET OUT OF ALL THIS??? so many questions unanswered, so many new questions that arise, so many questions that will probably never be answered.

Back in India, when it actually happened, it was just another disaster that happened in the world, nothing that actually bothered me because no one I knew was involved and it did not change anything in my immediate world, nothing really!! I dont really know what to feel now.. just consider Ignorance is Bliss and carry on with life undisturbed.. NOT until something happens that effects me and my family or DO something to make a difference.. God!! why am I so helpless or am I really?? This is the internal conflict in me which makes me question my very existence when it raises its hood, but most of the times it is dormant..

Me, Work, and Off :)

One thing that I missed about work when not working is the anticipation of the weekend or the weekly off. I did not really appreciate all the free time that I had on my hand when I did, but now when I work and am occupied constructively for most part of the day, there is much more order to the life and I truly appreciate those precious 2 days. After a long long time, I had that feeling this past week.. oops weekend!!! I love it!!!!
I love the feeling that I FINALLY work.
I love the feeling that I get a break.
I love the feeling that I am no longer a parasite just killing the time doing nothing and trying to keep myself from going crazy.
I love the sense of doing something useful.

Most of all
I love being myself!!! because without realizing work has become kind of my identity and I missed it like hell.

Added Bonus!!!


I work Tuesday through Saturday which I think is the best part of the deal. Sunday to chill out with OH and Monday for the essential exclusive "Me" time. This way OH gets to have his space on Saturday and me on Monday :)).

This might seem strange, but I need some exclusive "Me" time to feel refreshed and look forward to life, not that I dont like the time spent with OH but it is just how I am, I need to be Me to go on. Call me crazy, cranky, or nuts but I cant just survive without that personal space.. I actually do nothing really personal or whatever in that time but the mere thought that I can spend it however I want gives me immense satisfaction.

Sep 6, 2007

But for you :((



There are a million faces around me whom I can reach to if I want to but the one person I really want to reach is nowhere... I see a glimpse of you in all that you left behind but I want to see the actual you and feel your warmth... miss you amma.. miss you soooo much :(

Sep 5, 2007

Geeee.... Me Awarded :)))))




Yup.. I finally have this brag badge too :))) thanks to Caps and Keerthi bestowing that on me :))).. you know what, I would be lying if I felt it did not make a difference. It did.. a whole lot more than I expected. Of late, blogging has been the only consistent activity in my most inconsistent schedule and to get recognized for what I do to vent out my feelings and feel therapeutically fresh, is an awesome feeling... so there I go bestow the same on

Aysha
Anand
Andy
Kodis Mom
Itching To Write....

Take it up guys and display it proudly if you have not done so already and pass it on and make someone's day :))))

Glimpses...

This month has been pretty hectic with a lot of changes, finally into job, hectic pooja schedules, two trips to Charlotte to meet friends, and then amazing fun trip to Orlando. I had been busy finally... yup after a long wait and yes this month has been really really eventful..



Yours truly beginning to take baby steps back to job in the cluttered home office :).

I always liked pooja not because of the blind beliefs attached to it but because it gives me that immense sense of inner peace and the strength to go on.. this month has been a feast to that part of me... :)



Ended this past month with a blast in Orlando coming back refreshed and with the much needed break for a new beginning.

Sep 4, 2007

Silent Inspiration...



Never Believe what the lines of ur hand predict about your future,
Because people who dont have hands also have a future... Believe in yourself


When I look back at life and ask God why me?? I always seen answer right infront of me.. I am way better off than a lot of unfortunate people out there in the world. It is so inspiring just to look at these challenged people who come to terms with their limitations and it is simply amazing to see them overcome the hurdles and go ahead in life.

I Feared UNTIL.... Beautiful!!!



I feared being alone
Until I learned to like Myself.
I feared failure
Until I realized that I only Fail when I don't try.
I feared success
Until I realized that I had to try in order to be happy with myself.
************************************************************


I feared people's opinions
Until I learned that people would have opinions about me anyway.
I feared rejection
Until I learned to have faith in myself.
I feared pain
Until I learned that it's necessary for growth
****************************************************************


I feared the truth
Until I saw the ugliness in lies.
I feared life
Until I experienced its beauty .
I feared death
Until I realized that it's not an end, but a beginning.
*********************************************

I feared my destiny ,
Until I realized that I had the power to change my life.
I feared hate
Until I saw that it was nothing more than ignorance .
I feared love
Until it touched my heart, making the darkness fade into endless sunny days.
*****************************************

I feared ridicule
Until I learned how to laugh at myself.
I feared growing old
Until I realized that I gained wisdom every day.
I feared the future
Until I realized that Life just kept getting better.
I feared the past
Until I realized that It could no longer hurt me.
*****************************************

For Evil Eyes on LO