There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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May 22, 2008

Child's Talk???????

I am amazed at how accurately this girl spoke about everything we dont even bother to ponder on....

May 13, 2008

Guppedanta Manasu -- Tatayya

Not long ago, I was writing about my tatayya, and how I missed being with him in his ripe old age and now as I write this, it has already been a week since his demise, me not being able to attend his final rites and in a condition where nothing has sunk in yet.. I have not seen him, neither did I want to after 36 hours and retain that image in my memory for ever after. Everything aside, situations have been such with my high fever and health condition that I could not travel. Now, here I am on this day with no realization whatsover of my loss, unable to comprehend what is going on, and everything seems to have gone by racing so fast that I blinked and it is gone. I am still in a haze, daze, or whatever but not in terms with what is happening around me.

I shudder to even think the blues I had when amma left me and it is all the more concerning since this guilt of not being there with him is eating me from within. I was on the phone most of the time his body was there, talking to everyone and anyone who had the energy to talk to me as I was going mad :(. I realize he is not there only when I dont hear his voice after 2 minutes into my call to put the phone down as I am wasting too much of money and that he is alright and he will be so for another year.. miss you taateee....

A few things that crossed my mind are..

I should not have put about taatee on the blog, maybe I am too superstitious :((( but some how felt bad about it.

I feel like the most selfish person who ever walked the earth because I ran away from my responsibility for my happiness.

One thing he hated the most are the tears, especially mine and I want to stop them as much as possible but again feel like I am not what I am by restraining to do so... guess I am either numb or crazy or a mix of both.

I have become so mechanical that I have begun to realize that death is a part of life cycle and how he lived and ended it matters the most than being selfish and wanting him to live longer in agony and pain and lonely. He is at last with amma, far above everything after around 2.5 years. Do I feel happy about it or sad that I have been orphaned???

He was 84, completed 83, had been battling his cardiac issues for 12 years now, living on one partially working heart valve and three completely blocked, with sheer determination to live and nothing else. He was surprisingly very independent and energetic till the very end. Even on the last day, he went to the bank and to the doctor for his shortness of breath, came back and laid down to relax for a while and then have lunch.. just closed his eyes and did not open again.. no pain, not even a gasp, or whine or wheeze, nothing.. he just passed away so peacefully living like a tiger until his very last breath. That, for me, is the saving grace. He has not suffered and maybe as I agonize for not being able to be there with him, he must be somewhere near me, next to me as I type or even within my heart and soul.. I dont know where he is but I know that I might never accept that he just vanished.. For me he is still there, just like he did. Dont know whether to thank God for this numbness or curse myself for being so insensitive...!!!

Those saw me in person during my amma's phase refuse to believe I am okay now, but YES I am very much okay, much to my surprise, maybe it will hit later in waves full-fledgedly but as of now I am very very fine, eating well and sleeping it out!!

May 4, 2008

At the Price of...

As a child, I wanted to grow up fast, but even as I was in my teens, I started missing my blissful childhood days. We grow up and are expected to be mature and dignified and restrain ourselves from expressing ourselves compltely. Even more so after the marraige, the role a "wife" is supposed to be the most dignified one as she needs to bring up the family and pave a way for the entire family to follow. Yup, I have grown up but at the price of

-- not being able to play with sand, building castles pouring the sand all over the body and hair and not bothering to clean it up later because the mom would do.

-- not being able to make bubbles with straw in the glass and see the rainbow colors from light falling through them.

-- not knowing fear or hatred.

-- not being taken care of every single moment but expected to take care of each and every thing.

-- not being able to use see-saw and sliders in the park along with swings pushed by someone else.

-- not being able to wear two pigtails, ponytails, frocks, and those tiny tiny dresses and shoes and have people ooh and aah at us.

-- not being able to sleep anywhere and everywhere without having to try too hard.

most of all -- not being able to run away from the messy world into the warm lap of amma and forget everyting, being shielded and protected from all the evil lurking around.

May 3, 2008

My New Reader and Literary Pursuits..

Well, we both (me and OH) happened to get a gift, rather costly one at that, from his mama sri and the gang. We really felt terribly guilty taking that book or bookshelf as mama-sri prefers to call it as it was too costly for gift standards.. around 320 dollars with the chargers :((((.. Agreed, it is a beautiful gift to give but I feel so bad about taking it from them that I almost stopped reading books :(( 'cos each time I see that one I end up feeling bad for their spending too much that it has robbed me of the pleasure of reading books.

Books are my best friends apart from the dear ones in my life. They are the best companions, keep us company and expand our knowledge. It is just a wonderful feeling to be lost in the world of the characters and the places they take us to and rejoice.

These past few days, I had been hooked up on to various things and neglected everything else that actually mattered and lost myself in a whirlpool of activities. I promise to myself that I will get back to my good reading habits, if not at the pace of one book a day, at least a few pages :).

Well, as usual, I digressed..

The point of the post is

I love my reader for its book-like feel and the pocketability, holds 160 books, with a battery life of up to 7600 pages.. wow!! and what more, I can listen to music while reading too...but the thing is, it just supports books in lrf format and nothing else, we can upload pdfs but the zoom feature does not work and the sony store books that are compatible with the reader are too costly.. However, I get to choose 100 all-time classics for free, so here I go with Wuthering Heights and Sense and Sensibility to Begin With..

The literary world, beware!!! here I come ;).

PS: It cannot read the book for me, I mean no audio book feature but I am just fine with it, I have heard a few narrations and feel that nothing can beat the real reading experience.

Some Muses..

when I listen to things like food grain shortage, raise in cost of living, price hikes, etc., they are a lot of things that come to my mind...

As we are moving towards a civilized and globalized concept,

... choices are becoming wider but resources being limited are getting shorter.
... houses are becoming big and hearts are becoming smaller.

With this rate of inflation, I wonder how a common man can survive, I seem to be rapidly running towards the below poverty line category pretty soon with so much to spend and so little earning!! where are we heading to???

Mysterious Mind!!

I now understand how the sky feels when it is freed of clouds.... I am a free bird, successfully broke free of an addiction and I realized yet again that nothing but myself can bind me and I can break free of anything and everything if I want to.. not a big deal when there comes a question of living in the moment!!! Life is short, youth is shorter.. No time for complexities than can be avoided.... Enjoy!!!

May 1, 2008

Karivepaku Kashtaalu..

Well, those who know me also know that I am an average cook who never tries to excel in that department, 'cos I know my limitations way too well. However, blessing in disguise is what I cook looks and smells good if not tasting awesome, so managing okay. The evidence that I am a decent cook no matter he says is the OH's protruding, seemingly first-trimester belly, left to grow without any specific efforts for trimming ;).

Coming to the point of the post, one thing that I love about cooking is taalimpu or tadkaa smell, that wafting smell which gives flavor as well as good smell to the food, the essential ingredient of which is curry leaves. yeah, now dont start making faces, yes, I am the one who smells the food, I mean if not sniffing like a dog from the plate, I love it when it smells yummy too along with tasting yummy, you know what I mean :).

It is strange considering that most of the people take it out from the meal when consuming it but still want loads of it put in just for the smell and flavor. Lesson it teaches is do your duty even when you know that finally you are going to be taken out of the final preparation. If we want to look into morals and lesson, each and everything teaches one, isnt it??

This past couple of months, the curry leaves were banned in Atlanta and a few parts of US taking with that what little motivation for cooking I had, was hoping real bad for the ban to end, planning to see if someone was coming from India, so that I could torture them to bring some for me or to buy everything in the store shelf if and if I find something in some place no matter what the cost was. Whenever I was cooking, I had the visions of the tree in my amma's place, the amount of wastage we used to do and it is so true that you know the value if and only if there is a shortage.

Now, it is available in most of the stores, it feels good to cook once again and yes, I have stored enough for the next couple of months just in case ;).

For Evil Eyes on LO