There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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May 13, 2008

Guppedanta Manasu -- Tatayya

Not long ago, I was writing about my tatayya, and how I missed being with him in his ripe old age and now as I write this, it has already been a week since his demise, me not being able to attend his final rites and in a condition where nothing has sunk in yet.. I have not seen him, neither did I want to after 36 hours and retain that image in my memory for ever after. Everything aside, situations have been such with my high fever and health condition that I could not travel. Now, here I am on this day with no realization whatsover of my loss, unable to comprehend what is going on, and everything seems to have gone by racing so fast that I blinked and it is gone. I am still in a haze, daze, or whatever but not in terms with what is happening around me.

I shudder to even think the blues I had when amma left me and it is all the more concerning since this guilt of not being there with him is eating me from within. I was on the phone most of the time his body was there, talking to everyone and anyone who had the energy to talk to me as I was going mad :(. I realize he is not there only when I dont hear his voice after 2 minutes into my call to put the phone down as I am wasting too much of money and that he is alright and he will be so for another year.. miss you taateee....

A few things that crossed my mind are..

I should not have put about taatee on the blog, maybe I am too superstitious :((( but some how felt bad about it.

I feel like the most selfish person who ever walked the earth because I ran away from my responsibility for my happiness.

One thing he hated the most are the tears, especially mine and I want to stop them as much as possible but again feel like I am not what I am by restraining to do so... guess I am either numb or crazy or a mix of both.

I have become so mechanical that I have begun to realize that death is a part of life cycle and how he lived and ended it matters the most than being selfish and wanting him to live longer in agony and pain and lonely. He is at last with amma, far above everything after around 2.5 years. Do I feel happy about it or sad that I have been orphaned???

He was 84, completed 83, had been battling his cardiac issues for 12 years now, living on one partially working heart valve and three completely blocked, with sheer determination to live and nothing else. He was surprisingly very independent and energetic till the very end. Even on the last day, he went to the bank and to the doctor for his shortness of breath, came back and laid down to relax for a while and then have lunch.. just closed his eyes and did not open again.. no pain, not even a gasp, or whine or wheeze, nothing.. he just passed away so peacefully living like a tiger until his very last breath. That, for me, is the saving grace. He has not suffered and maybe as I agonize for not being able to be there with him, he must be somewhere near me, next to me as I type or even within my heart and soul.. I dont know where he is but I know that I might never accept that he just vanished.. For me he is still there, just like he did. Dont know whether to thank God for this numbness or curse myself for being so insensitive...!!!

Those saw me in person during my amma's phase refuse to believe I am okay now, but YES I am very much okay, much to my surprise, maybe it will hit later in waves full-fledgedly but as of now I am very very fine, eating well and sleeping it out!!


madhu said...

sushma don't curse urself .as u said this is the best form of death a person can get at this age .may his soul rest in peace and whatever u feel is undergone by many

Satish Bolla said...

am so sorry for ur loss. all that we can do right now n in the future is to live upto his expectations n dreams

For Evil Eyes on LO