There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Jun 11, 2008

Sree Vivaaham Udyoga Naasaaya :)

I started working in 1996 just after my inter and joining Aptech ever since then up to 2006 June, except when I was down and out after amma's death, I never took a break, even then it was for a couple of months and then back to work because that is where I found my calling, comfort, pleasure, and I HAD to work!! Even after the engagement, I worked up to December 6th, when my marriage was on 14th. Job meant everything to me, security, escape, financial independence. In short after amma, I hung on to it like it was the last thread that could save me and yes, it did.

But after coming here, everything changed, I could not work and then my EAD got delayed and in the process, I had to wait for around 7 months and then came my mom's retirement and the compelling need to fulfill my what I felt was the last and most important responsibility towards her, settling and preparing for post-retirement life. Since I could not get a long leave, I had to resign and then re-join, which I did in February of this year, but then something changed, I just could not bring myself to work on the job.

To my horror, I realized I actually enjoy the bliss of being a homemaker or my mind tuned itself to this no-deadline, no-compulsory work hours, life and refused to fall into the groove and after battling for so long with health issues, more work for peanut-pay, etc., this time I left it for good to focus on something else, building up my stamina and our relationship which I guess needs a lot of nurturing than I cared to put in for a long time now.

1. I seem to have come to a point of saturation doing the current job working in isolation is taking its toll on a person like me who loves being around people.
2. Looking at mom, how she burned herself on the job and looking at a few others who just enjoy life at home pestering the husbands or like parasites on parents enjoying life at other's expense, my views about work changed to a large extent. It is the rebel in me speaking why work when I all do is be a slave everywhere. I know it is wrong, but I just wanted to experience how it is like (I sound crappy even to myself..aaargh!!)
3. Daily chores like cooking, cleaning, washing, etc. seem more interesting.
4. Praying, watching movies, relaxing, spending time for self suddenly seem very very important.
5. A misplaced napkin or a glass irritates me so much and gets more of my attention than the work at hand.
6. I feel like doing something worthwhile like educating, helping out the needy, try being a better person and not work for money since I dont have the need to any more.
7. Maybe after years and years of continuous and non-stop work, my mind just needs to rest a while when it can. Anyways, once back in India, I will join the office, so let me enjoy until then.

and if i think, I might get more and more excuses as to why I am not working but the thing is each time I open the file to work on it, each time I come across a person with stroke or cardiac issues, it reminds me of amma and taatee and baby, making me feel jealous of those who survived it which is absolutely NOT healthy, so I want a break from day-to-day medical records and I would like to do something on the educational front of it.. let us see how life goes but yes of now, I WANT to relax.

PS: The struggle from MUST Work to Might Work was not easy, there was this constant internal conflict and it took a considerable amount of time for me to come to terms with the status quo, part of me wanted to work and part me to relax, when I was in one phase, I craved badly for other, and in-between phase in the journey equilibrium has been really unsettling and yeah, OH has been supportive all through.


Pinky said...

Well written post Sree..
I think there comes a time in everyone's life where you just want to get away from the thing you loved the most...thts what we call a 'break'..So, just enjoy your break and get back with vengeance to where ever your heart calls for..Goodluck..
p.s - you have a new reader to your blog :)

Kalpana said...

Yes Sush, it's not all easy to set back. It takes time. Even now, I sometimes feel the craving for the Self to work atleast part time though not money-minded.

For Evil Eyes on LO