Aina Mujhse Meri...

Music with lyrics has many a times made me feel free. The melody, the lyrics, cant say one thing in particular but there are many songs which have touched me in one way or the other, at some point in time and have soothed me, set me thinking, just set me free .. music has always left its impact on me and in this series I plan to present myself from a musical angle, my feelings and about me in general with the aid of songs and lyrics..

The other day on the long drive back home from Charlotte I was silent for a change, just listening to the music and giving in to it rather than my usual looking at the road, sky, or sleep or just plain chatter away...

These days I am a lot more into soul searching and hence this suits my present mood and instantly made me sit up and listen to it again and again and again...

aaina mujse meri paheli si surat maange
mere apne meri hone ki nishani maange

The mirror asks me for my old self...
My own people ask me for proofs of being myself...

mein bhatakta hi raha dard ke viraane mein
wakht likhta raha chehre pe har pal ka hisaab

I have been wandering in eerie sorrows...
and time kept leaving a record of each moment on my face..

meri shohrat meri diwaangi ki nazar huyi
pee gayi mai ki botal meri geeto ki kitaab

My fame has lead to me to a mad world and the bottle has taken over my song..

aaj lauta hun to hasne ki ada bhool gayaa
yeh shahar bhoola mujhe mein bhi ise bhool gayaa

Now when I return, I forgot the art of smiling..
the world has forgotten me and so did I forget the world..

--- a pathetic effort at translation but for those who can enjoy the lyrics, it is awesome...
Movie: Daddy.

Bliss..

Bliss is...

to be able to get up early in the morning and sit and enjoy the sunrise and chirping birds with early morning dew drops and aroma of bru coffee wafting around..

to be able to curl up tucked up cozily in bed reading your favorite book and feeling that occasional cold when turning the pages :).

to see my grandfather give his biiiiiiiiiiiiiig single-tooth grin :)).. I love him all the more 'cos he is alone after ammamma.

to listen to your favorite music and sing along loudly with it with no inhibitions giving in to the moment.

to be able to sleep in my ammamma's lap and listen to her wise words.

to just see a kid give a toothless grin and get that energy to sail through your day and even your life.

to go on a long drive as a passenger and look at the clear blue sky with occasional clouds, spring blooms all around and fall leaves on the road :).

to see a person smile in his/her sleep.

to see a laborer working all day in hot sun and do not hesitate to spend that money on the kid's candy..

to shut up and go to sleep now :).

Pic Courtesy: happyspork.com

Wondering....

How does one deal with an unreasonable person just waiting to pick up a fight and has made up his/her mind just to say contradictory things to whatever you take a stand on??

How does one react when the only thing the other person does is pick your faults and is never appreciative of all the efforts you put in the relationship??

How does one even bear to stay with a person who doubts each and every intention of yours to an ulterior motive??

How does one deal with calm and peace when the only thing the other person does is walk over you??

These are a few questions that I want to question myself putting myself into those situations and question others who I admire and appreciate for the way they conduct their life. I am really beginning appreciate the couples who have major breakdowns time to time and let the steam out of the relationship and stay happy.. earlier, I used to wonder how come they fight like cats and dogs and still be together now I understand they are together only because they fight like cats and dogs and not kill each other with silent doses of unknown.. why, what, and how???

What say?? If you are reading it I would appreciate you de-lurking and clearing my thoughts and let me see your view points too!!!

Pic Courtesy : www.behavioradvisor.com

The Forgotten Song...

There was a time I used to hum and breeze through even the most difficult times.. there used to be a song in my head and a smile on my lips all the time and life was a fun with my best buddy, the music.. there was a rhythm in the life, there still is but I seem to have forgotten the lyrics of that song..

I have always decided that I want something in my life and went for it and whatever small or big thing it was that I went for, it was with total dedication and I felt I was in control of everything even when things were going as wrong as they possibly could.

Now, when I have reached a point where I achieved all that I ever longed for (nothing high simple things like a shelter on head, a morsel to eat, a bed to sleep in, and a home and a few good people to call my own) and more, I feel numb, there is nothing else left to struggle for and even if there is something I still want to do, there are so many limitations or bondings that dont let me to. I have to think a 100 times even before speaking a word or doing a deed, I seem to be incapable of doing anything alone when contradicted and I just dont think it is worth fighting with OH or for that matter any one and just give in to whatever it is. I cant convince myself to live my life this way resigning to fate or working and coming to terms with something I dont really believe in and worst thing is not having anything to believe in any longer... that melody which kept me going, that zeal is lacking, looks like I have forgotten the song of my life and am just giving in to the sad moments in spite having the best. Why do I have to put an effort to revive something that had been an inherent trait all the while??

Nope, I am not looking for sympathy and I am not indulging in self-pity, I am just angry at myself for letting anything and everything affect my mental peace, it is just an outburst on myself.

Courtesy: Photo Bucket

... and that's me!!!

I have a few habits or things that I always do no matter where I am.. like growing a money plant or whatever its botanical name is but for me it is a money plant, a plant that I have seen growing up in almost all of the middle class homes either in a bottle or a pot, left to creep on the wall or window close by, one that grew with or without soil. Basically, I love greenery and this is one plant which can withstand any climate and still be green all the time, so here too it continues, I got a plant from Wal-Mart, a very very small one and now after a year it is growing (touchwood) and I have this strong feeling that if I have this plant with me I have money, I mean I dont have to search for every single penny, for me it signifies its common name, money plant.. call me crazy, call me nuts or whatever but " I am like thattt only."



By bro gifted me an aquarium with his first pay as a lecturer and so for the past 6 years, I had one at home which was a pain to maintain but a pleasure to just look at and forget all the tensions of the day, so I now after coming here, I had one too, but a betta sphere and two little fishies which I named Finny and Fanny which just died within days (my friends say that they committed suicide 'cos they did not like the names ;)), so this time I got a Betta, a male one, which has a lifespan of 3 years, and named it Bettu just because I am too lazy to go name hunting, so here goes Mr. Bettu, the new addition to our family. He is soo active that it took so long and a lot of patience to get this pic of his...

Juicy Juice!!

A little time and a little effort yields a 100 times better tasting and healthier drink than the canned juice :).. Had almost forgotten the taste of fresh squeazed juice when syam's cousin got us hooked back on it and yummm.. fell in love with juice all over again :).. so Thanks Mama Sri from S and S :).

OH.. my Valentine..

This is what we are, me and OH, two very different individuals. I sometimes wonder how we get along thinking along drastically different view points :) but somehow we seem to have a calming effect on each other and if we could spend the one year together, then I think we are meant to BE.



Well, coming to the way I celebrated my Valentines Day, was working so could not cook much, took a 3-hr break, went to target to get a cake, either too big or too gaudy, so decided to bake my brownie mix as usual and prepared a simple meal with readymade Parampara mix Nawabi Chicken, Biryani, and Gulab Jamun (the less you ask me about it, the better :)))



This time around, in stead of feeling sad that the OH will not bring anything for me, I got 2 cards one for him to give me too, some wifey I am ;), the one who has determined not to let anything including the OH ruin my happYness!!

Every year, I celebrate by calling all my friends, relatives and wishing them but this time, I did not feel like, did have neither the enthu nor the energy that does not mean I love them any less but I guess I have toned down over the years.

Factual Fiction -- FF 3

Date Feb 14th

Wifey: You forgot to wish me today :(.

Husby: Comeon, it is not our culture to celebrate it.

Wifey: But I like being wished at least!!

Husby: Dont be silly, I am not used to all this things, you know that??

Wifey: Well, you were not used to having a wife either or did you????!!!

Husby: thwak, thwak, thwak!!!

Hitting his head with the book in hand and resigning from the argument.

Googly Woogly Woosh ;)

These googlers or whatever the creative team out there is awesome!!

I just love their different theme-related google logos.. one of the gems that I fell in love instantly was on Valentines..

.. and yes this truly conveys my idea of love too, holding hands towards the dusk of life.

Check out.

Pic Courtesy: Google

Quirky?? Me?? Naaah...

Keerthi has tagged me with this one and the rules are

- Post the rules on your blog.
- Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
- Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
- Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

Quirk!! Well as the definition goes it is a strange habit or attitude.. ask the OH and he would say everything I do is quirky ;) and sometimes I do think so too, that I am "one piece" "Orrriginal" item in this whole universe ;). But when cornered and questioned as to list down a few, I dont remember them right away.

-- I am one cleaning freak, that does not mean that I have to have everything spic and span all the times (after marriage especially), I spend a lot of time cleaning and rearranging stuff once in a while. Before marriage, no one used to come in to my room because of my mad rage bouts if anyone touched anything or if I found even a speck of dust around. Everything has to be in an order in a particular pattern. -- When I clean anything, I will pull down everything first from the drawer/closet/suitcase whatever it is and then arrange everything from the scratch.

-- I should have trimmed nails all the time and I even chew them off to keep them at the point just where they are still attached to the skin.

-- Fingers in another person, I like long and slender fingers and the first thing I notice about a person are fingers and hands and form an opinion about people.

-- I always paint my toenails, never without a paint since as long as I remember but I never paint my finger nails.. the paint distracts me a lot and I tend to use my hands more than necessary ;) when painted just to have a look at them.

-- I always spend notes and collect all the coins, do not usually spend the change unless absolutely must and at the end of the day put all the coins in a bowl. I used to have a huge collection of coins much to the amusement of my friends who used to wonder which temple I had been to ;).

-- I collect all the bills, papers, letters, mailers and once in a while do the tearing and believe me even when I do it every other week, I end up tearing almost a 13-gallon bagful of trash.. sigh!!!!

and that is why I say crazy does not even begin to define me.

I think this tag has done a whole lot of rounds already and the one I would most certainly tag is already tagged (yup, caps ;)). Please feel free to take it up in case you missed it.

Ye Kya Hua.. Kab Hua, Kaise Hua, Kyun Hua???

I am nothing if not a shopping freak amongst others.. but this weekend when we rented a car as usual for grocery shopping and general roaming around, I was a little shocked at my own reluctance to shop.. well, it is good if this phase continues. Earlier, if I had to buy just a salt tin from Target, even when I knew where it exactly is, I used to walk around each and every aisle once, do R and D on what are the different products available in different sections and what are the brands, etc., etc., and initially when I was jobless, walking around in Target and Michaels, would be my favorite passtime and I would be really happy, not by buying but just watching and walking around. These days, I dont have that inclination to go and walk around, I need to push myself to do even the basic shopping... am I ageing rapidly.. dunno this one is good but I feel that I am gradually losing interest in everything one after the other as the time passes by.. at this rate, a few years down the line this me typing this post would be history.. is it alarming?? the lack of interest, i.e.

Pic Courtesy: Comcast.net

Late Lateefa ;)

The flip side of working from home is there is no concept of going late and coming early, especially now that I need to clock in 40 hrs, during training.

To my horror, if I begin the day late, I seem to get distracted throughout the day... pcccchh.. pcch.. not at all good considering I need to motivate myself really hard to sit at one place and work 'cos when I lose focus and interest for the day, I seem to be getting fever, headache, stomach ache, fatigue, lack of sleep and what not!!! My mind searches for reasons to not work and just sleep or watch tv or do nothing and laze around. And then in true filmy ishtyle... yours truly's another image in another dress pops out from the mirror and says wake up dumbo and set some goals, dont let yourself get rusted beyond repair!!! diskyaon!!!!

The journey that began and continues....

Introduction to blog world for me was through my brother, he is a good writer but way too good for me 'cos half the time I need to search for a dictionary to understand his high funda English.. mana telugu grandhikam untundey alagannamaata, English graandhikam :((.

Then, it was my friend Jeannie, who was in Trinidad and started a blog journal for her friends and family that got me hooked and made a regular visitor, but it was Saranya from Constant Ramblings (unfortunately, that one is discontinued now) that I chanced upon by accident that made me sit back and read all her posts at one go and made it seem like simple writing of daily events was an art and that I should do it and it proved so therapeutic to me, so a biiiiiiiiiig thanks to her!!

The first visitor other than my ever-loyal follower/reader/guide/counselor :) and informative bud Caps was Twisted, association with whom took me deeper into the blogosphere. He is one gem of a writer who me and OH follow together and discuss. His choice of topics and the satire is too good.

Sailu is our Annapoorna, the one who unknowingly took the role of my mother and taught me to cook and to actually enjoy cooking (no mean task that is).

Then, I gradually got into mama-baby blogs and made a lot of tiny buddies with whom I begin my day, it is good to see them grow up virtually and see their bright smiling faces the first thing in the morning.

One person that I read regularly and think is the most sorted-out individual and a great mom (all the blogging moms are tooooooo good) is Kiran and her brat.

One that can be put into you love it, you hate it, but cant ignore it category is of mad momma.

K's Mom and Tharini are two most sensible and sensitive people, committed and devoted to the kids and their own world's in a very unique way.

Everyone in my blogroll has touched me in one way or the other and that is the reason they are there, but the ones mentioned are the ones which made/make a difference in the way I think, the way I want to be, and the way I love they just are...

And how can I forgot the cute teddy bear couple whose life and style of writing I simply simply love.

PS:
Edited to Add on popular demand ;).. err... personal demand ;) to be precise, I met KK through random hopping and there is youth-related freshness and enthu and a combo of sense and nonsense about him that can be palpated in his posts and comments. So, here I present the crazy kid for me and KK for you ;)

A String of unfortunate Incidents...

Life cut short by whatever cause it is natural or self-taken is such a pain.. Some days we just tend to listen to those news which bring just pain and some more pain. I can say by experience now, that one cannot really appreciate life until there is a death of a loved one. Until then, we see life with a different view point and a different perspective, the fragility of it all and the fact that nothing or no one stops for you is all for real now. Suddenly, we know how limited as a human being I am, I cannot control my life even for a second, not the events in it, the life itself, when the time comes, that is it!! For me, amma's death was not an immediate paralyzing event, it is as days passed that the reality stuck harder that she is not there and I could have done much more for her and I did not. I take life more seriously than ever after that, I appreciate every individual in my life a lot more than I did earlier, I understand the value of relationships and try my best to get tuned into them. There are moments when I snap but I promise myself never to give in to rage again. Life precious, live every moment of it.

One news that really moved me is that of the death of Kalpana Rai or Roy whatever, a telugu actress in comedy roles who never failed to bring a smile on to my face.. saw a pic of hers in THIS article and it broke my heart. I see something in those eyes, a loneliness, a genuine sorrow hidden so deep in heart but overflowing in the eyes..



Pic Courtesy: Telugulo.com

Pani.. Paata

Work sure does bring some discipline into life, I get up in the morning, take bath before 8 and get ready for my day.. well, well, that is a miracle considering that there was a time after coming to US when I did not even wake up at 8.. good going!! Falling into the routine and getting into good form will certainly take some time but as of now, I have a sore neck looking at the desktop screen after long, foot pain using the pedal, and headache after continuous listening to the files, but a satisfaction that nothing else can bring and the thought of not just lying around like another piece of furniture is heaven!!

The house and the chore routine is a chaos at the moment.. the dinner which used to be at 6 or 7 p.m. max is a little delayed and the items are from the fridge and not the stove top. Sometimes, I wonder if it is all worth it, but YES it really is as it boosts my self-confidence and keeps me from ruining my life with self-pity or thoughts of self-destruction. Even when not working, I am not a parasite because managing a home is not a simple task, but somehow working and getting paid, however, little it is, gives me more pleasure even if there are little pains associated with it.

Pic Courtesy: www.creativepro.com

Factual Fiction Series - FF2

They go to a theater for the much touted movie Sakhi, take the tickets for Box in one of the city's famous theaters, get Box A, seats 3 and 4. They being them, in all enthusiasm did not notice the box number and get into Box B and claim the seats 3 and 4, almost having a fight with the occupants making them leave in just plain frustration... after a few minutes, the original occupants come back with the manager, showing them the box number clearly on their tickets..

Without a word, almost trying to hide their faces with their chunni's and mumbling sorries, they go to their actual seats and watch the movie and come out just before the end titles, so as not to face the OO's again!!

Innalki Gurtocchaana Vaana :)!!

I have always liked rain, especially when I happen to be indoors!! enjoying the rain on greenery outside is the one of the nature's best features.

I have a lot of memories attached with rain. As a child I remember sitting on the beds or a place where it was not raining through the roof at my granny's place, placing bowls and buckets under the leaks, walking through the rooms with an umbrella and having lots of fun, irritating the elders who were trying to shift along things so as not to be drenched. It was fun back then but now when I remember my granny running around trying to protect the cupboards with tarpoline sheets with tears in her eyes thinking about the cleaning that needs to be done the next day, it breaks my heart and makes me give my thanks to God for providing me with a leak-less roof on my head and say a silent prayer for those who still are in that state. Memories such as that make me appreciate the life that I have now more than ever.

It is strange what thoughts certain things trigger, when I think about those homeless people, trying to find shelter from cold and rain, praying for the rain to stop so that they go and earn their daily bread, it just makes me wonder at the inequalities in our world that we the people create. The same rain, I enjoy with a hot cup of coffee with something hot to munch on; to someone it means good crop; to some a filled lake; to the government, it is a balanced economy; to a street urchin, it is a mess; to a person stuck in traffic, with puddles and open drains threatening, it is a mess too!!!

I dont know where I picked it up or when I tasted my first ice-cream in rain but I HAD to have an ice-cream, preferably King-Cone from Quality when it used to rain way back since I can even remember, definitely not triggered off by movies 'cos I can date it back way back to my school days. I gave up ice-cream, the thing I loved the most, in memory of my granny on her 10th-day ceremony, and dont know when this happened but when I had been forced to eat a bite or two after that on some occasions, I dont have that craving feeling anymore.. more than me my body and subconscious mind gave up on it I guess.

It is raining in Atlanta after long, raining real good and now that I am aware of the may-be drought like situation and less water resources, I want it to rain a lot, filling in all the lakes. In telugu there is a saying Annadaata Sukhibhava, I pray that the nation that is providing me with surplus, also stay surplus!!!

Pic Courtesy: Photo Bucket picture by p3ngoc2

Factual Fiction Series!! - FF 1

Inspired by Itchy's Factual Fiction, I had been wanting to do this since long.. I mean put together tiny tidbits that may or not be straight of my life events but I had read or noticed or visualized.. err.. you got the gist!! My observations, small beginnings in the world of writing :).

She wakes up at around 2 a.m. and could not fall back to sleep again how much ever she tried. Could not push back the thoughts in her mind that were racing to nowhere in particular taking away her sleep and her peace of mind with it.

After she gives in to the moment and goes with the flow for more than an hour, listening to the constant deep rhythmic breath of her husband next to her, with a slight movement, he puts his arm around her and adjusts his head in the crook of her shoulder with a sudden smile on his face and goes back to his deep slumber.

Then comes an imaginary balloon on her head with angel wings and a halo, which makes her realize that there are 'N' number of things that might be wrong at the moment and 'N' number of things that could possibly go wrong and there is nothing that she can change but lose the moment, that of peace and love and silence. She turns around looks at the angelic face of her husband in sleep, has a smile on her face and slowly relaxes and falls asleep counting her blessings!!

Objects of Affection!!!

I am a big follower of a lot of mamma-baby blogs and take a great pleasure starting my morning with their news and views.. this particular tag that is doing the rounds has taken my attention totally.. no one has tagged me to do it, but I wanted to do a post based on the idea from tag.

I am a person who stashes away each and every thing as a memory of the person or the moment that I love and by that one can imagine all the stuff that I must have gathered over a period of my lifetime, you bet, it WAS a vast collection.. I say was because my mom is exact opposite of what I am and believes in giving away stuff to every and any person that comes into her contact and says he or she likes it. I have had major breakdowns time and again all through my growing up years on this particular issue with her and managed to at least save things that mattered to me most like the gifts my friends gave, some memorabilia that I gathered whenever I visited a place, my scarf collection, stamp collection, soft toy collection, greeting card collection, watch collection, fancy jewelery collection (though I hardly wear them I used to collect them and just feel happy looking at them), etc. up until the point I came to US.. when I went back this time around when she retired and had to vacate the quarters, all that I found in my room was nothing!! Not even my loads of dresses that I left back there because of my luggage restriction, most of the sarees that I got as a gift from friends and family or even the ones that I bought, my everything that I treasured the most are gone!!! I am left just with my greeting cards, 'cos no one would possibly want them.. :((((((!!!!!

I fail to understand her logic... give people what you have and God will give you.. what the hell?? what does she get from hurting me so much!! I respect her feelings, let her give away what all she has, why mine that too after taking a lot of promises before coming to US.. well, no point crying.. the Tsunami is past and I am washed out completely (getting too dramatic I guess!!) but it does really really hurt.. one might say what is it about the material things that you cry so much about. It is not the material stuff, it is the effort that has gone into collecting them, it is the love that is hidden when people gave me gifts, it is the memories that make me the person that I am. Will she ever understand the damage that her charity deeds have done to me as a person time and again. She says I overreact but I think I am human. I guess that is her weakness, that is what my granny used to say. Her weakness is she cant say no and she is surrounded by people who take total advantage of that.

Well, I am glad I got all my amma's memories with me, well most of them, her bhajana books, everything I stored up at my friend's place.. all her photos, the telugu notes that wrote for me once, the autograph that I took playfully from her on Rexona Soap Cover, the chocolate wrappers that she gave me, etc. are there with me. Even the gold (mangalasutra, earrings, nalla poosalu, and a ring) what little she had, is there with me. My aunts were real abusive that I took her gold, but it is not gold for me, it is something she wore, something she had on her all the time and we had given more than that anyways to them in return for what I have taken, so I dont care. I have collected all her things and whenever I see them, it kind of gives me some peace and comfort. Call it crazy or whatever, but that is what I am or my trademark dialogue "I am like thattt only".



So, the material possessions that matter to me the most are the kumkum that she prepared with her own hands as she always did every year and the vattulu as they are limited and will be over or spoiled in a few more years.. I had to throw away the kumkum today because there were bugs in it :((((... Everything used in my marriage right from pasupu, kumkum, vattulu, to pasupukommulu, akshintalu are the ones she had prepared for her pooja room and I had collected and kept just for that occasion. If I see my wedding video, I had been crying all the time remembering her and feeling her absence more acutely than ever!!!

Come on and tag yourself if you like this one and list out your fav material possessions, but Caps!! you MUST do it :).