There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Feb 16, 2009

Of Dreams and Promises...

Hamein Tumse Pyaar Kitna, Yeh Hum Nahin Jaante..

This is the one song apt for the LO (little one), I would like to name the kiddo LA (little angel) but then again it is up to her/him to prove what he/she is. For the time being, it is going to be “She” as that is what I long for and hence the references as she and her. My logic is anyone is fine but when I have a choice to be ignorant, then pick what you like to satisfy yourself (yeah.. I was telling you, I am a little on the off-side these days ;)).

Motherhood meant a whole lot of things to me ever since I was aware of myself and surroundings. Mother is the first one, one would run to, to seek solace and comfort and shelter in this whole universe. The one who is supposed to shield us from all evils in the unknown world we are yet to explore and figure out by getting hurt time and again. I just longed to be one to give the LO all that I ever wanted and at the same time be cautious not to overdo and suffocate her.

If one could punish me real bad, it was by saying I could never be a mother or that I would not be a good mother. It was my sore point, could bear anything and do anything for the loved ones but not take this. Who is one to restrict another individual and crush his/her dream and who is one to judge so early. If I had to prove myself to be a good individual before I am allowed to become a mom, I don’t know what can be the worst and also if this self-proving thing would EVER stop in life.

Well, I digress.. back to the point.. the first reaction when I was sure, was a mix of all emotions I ever had, happy, sad, confused, mad, blank, sober, eccentric, (yeah I know, I am too much) but after so long I cannot point one particular feeling I had for any fixed time. It was an emotional as well as a physical roller coaster. I was a bundle of contradictions at any given point of time. Running around doctors for God-knows-what-not ranging from ear infection, lung infection, fever, cramps, panic attacks, checkups, counseling, injections, tests.. phew!! I lost the precious time in enjoying the being within in all this running around. I seemed to be angry all the time, with everyone including the God and could not find a moment of solace. The first trimester was a blur with so much happening and so much yet to happen. It was a wait-and-watch period, especially with the earlier mishap and it was like my everything depended on the outcome this time. It was an unexpected gift which I was foolish enough to even consider a bane in my extreme anguish.

I had a multitude of suggestions and expert opinions on the best course of action, some from those I was running to and some from those who were chasing me down and to be true, it is one of the best periods in my life with so many stark truths coming to the surface and real friends and well-wishers standing by like strong pillars around while the others just left no attempt to leave me shaken and uprooted with biases, interventions (Thanks Caps, B, R, A, G, H, J !!!).

I had to run away from a lot of my fears and bitter facts of life and settle for what is best in the given circumstances and to this day remain uncertain as to what holds in the next couple of months. I may be down but not out, I may be stubborn but not foolish. I will stand by what I believe until the time the LO has her own beliefs and aims for life. I promise you my LO that I am there NO MATTER WHAT and you wont be such a loner in a crowd and neither will you suffer a lack of identity. By fate, we have been assigned each other and I will stay so until you need me no longer.

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