There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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May 18, 2009

The Journey.. 1st Trimester

Nine Months… I don’t know how they have begun and how they have begun to come to the last phase. Initially, there were a lot of things going on that I could not focus on what was happening with me or my body. There were times when everything I wanted to do in life was crystal clear and then there were times when everything seemed blank and bleak. Every emotion was an extreme, nothing was balanced. There was utter chaos, nothing in my control. I wanted someone else to desperately take hold of the reigns and lead me to a stable life and at the same time I was so panicky as to put my life completely in someone else’s hands. I was a bundle of contradictions, always hyper, everything seemed clear and as a blur at the same time within a span of seconds. There were times when I felt I was going to go mad with so much going on both within me and around me. There was this something that kept me going, really strong, breaking me down but resurrecting me within seconds at the same time. Yes, it is the miracle that is growing inside me, my baby, all mine, the one that I had longed for, prayed for, and nearly gave up on.

I had lost one in the really really early stage and cursed myself unable to bring myself to believe the turn of events that might have lead to the early AB. It hurts so much even to this day to even think about it. The events that happened as an aftermath are something which should be left un-discussed and un-thought at this point or for that matter ever again in the life.

It was one thing before the movements started, so many fears; lack of pregnancy signs one day and a burst of the same on some other days; constant nausea vomiting, the fear of placenta previa, the constant urge to check for bleeding, need for reassurance, the lung infections, the ear infections, ear bleeds, the lack of medication to treat any of them, the hormone supplements just in case due to the previous history, the new place, the single-room dwelling, the pollution outside… everything seemed to be against and every step seemed to be a steep uphill walk. The urge to think why do I need to bring this innocent soul into this world filled with so many kinds of people, so much of pollution, everyone so fake, so self-centered crept in many a times but I thank God for guiding me through and keeping me strong through this very unique miraculous journey of a teeny-weeny tiny egg to a full-grown baby.

The gut feeling that I had back in US that there was something going on in the body which made me turn back and think for a while was the first feeling that I had for this little one. Almost immediately after conceiving I knew she was there and yes, I knew it was SHE and it had to be SHE. I could feel her journey inside me but really sure because of the earlier mishap. Wanted her so much yet did not want to pin up any hopes.

Back home, the first faint line on the UPT, the mixed feeling with 3 heads bending over to check the result and the blankness at the clear second line was the next feeling as the reality just sunk in. Then the confirmation from the doc with the blood test and the scan, the tiny blotch that I could see on the scanner screen were the only indications. Thus began the journey of the life of my baby the LO into this world.

Then came the first heartbeat heard at 6 weeks, the rapid lub-dub, lub-dub of the flesh within me was so overwhelming, so touching, it is an unbelievable feeling, the one that I had experienced for the first time, my very first burst of love for the form within, the need to touch it, kiss it and say that it is not alone and the feeling that neither am I any longer.

The trimester was big in terms of doctor visits, hormone support, NLTs, scans, blood tests, fevers, morning sickness, vomiting, sleeplessness. There were moments when I secretly gave up and wanted the baby to give up too unable to bear the pressure around me but then something kept us both going.

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