There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

Search This Blog

Oct 29, 2009

Heaven is when..

touched with tiny hands and licked on the face.. yeah, yeah I enjoy these special moments we share.. we may have so many moments together, so many kisses, pecks, and sweet memories later on in life but these licks are the ones that I would be cherishing the most, pure unadulterated love and bliss!!!!.

it feels awesome to enjoy a cup of coffee in the early morning sun, enjoying your loved one coo near by :).

it feels good to see the kid feel better after a terrible cold, a relief to see the kid back to smiling self without sniffling and all.

Oct 28, 2009

360 Degrees... the changed me.

There are a lot of thoughts/feelings that made me what I am today and will decide what I will be tomorrow, day after, and until the time I die and leave this world unnoticed by anyone other than maybe a few people who I am in close touch with.

I had pretty strong ideas and as time passed, a few of them remain as is, a few of them change a bit, but a few of them have completely reversed and to list a few of them is the point of the post..

College is Cool.
While in school I used to feel college is cool, no uniform, no discipline, class bunk, full freedom.. telugu/hindi movie effect.
Got to know that college is the worser evil than school, at least the intermediate stage, the very crucial phase in one's education in life, slog, slog, slog and slog is the word... I dont know about professional college but then again we need to study to pass na, so school is the best!!!

We Can Change People/People will realize
Nope, the only person that one can change is self, no one but self and that too is really really tough. There were times when I used to cry why my family is so dysfunctional, why is it that me and my bro need to suffer.. why cant we just have an honest and happy and fearless family life with both the parents at a time, nope my parents are not divorced, we all lived under the same roof yet in 2 different worlds at the same time.

Nope, the people DO NOT REALIZE on their own, we need to make an effort to be heard and just not ASSUME they will understand eventually and you are right and correct people get justice.

In-Laws Understand
Nope, no matter how much you would like to believe, they just wont. Even your own parents, once they become in-laws, turn different. Watching movies like Hum Apke Hai Kaun and all felt that if you go with an open mind and heart and lap up all their feelings and share yours, there will be bonding.. Just forget it, one-ended approach never works.. some people might be different but those exceptions are extremely rare. If you think parents with daughters who have problems with in-laws behave nicely with their DILs, think again.. they just tend to get bitter and pass on the bitterness.

Education Brings Awareness and Kind Heart
Nope, it does matter but only to an extent and it is not the be all and end all.. if you are hardworking, enterprising, and gutsy.. add to it lucky there is no stopping of an individual. It is education of life that is vital not the bookish education. Also, an uneducated person can be miles and miles ahead of an educated idiot (excuse my language). I have seen people who had done masters spending time just ruining others life and in the process ruining theirs taking away peace of mind of every one in the family. Upbringing coupled with education coupled with society and personal experiences make you what you are. Common sense has no connection whatsoever with education!!!

Be Good To One and All
Nope, no one realizes how good you are no matter how much effort you put in or even if you are good without even putting in an effort. There are always some polluted minds who imagine some hidden agendas behind everything that you say, do, or think. You need not and SHOULD NOT be good to those who actually have 1000 and one things at the back of their mind with a sweet smile on the face. In fact, I have come to a point where I started doubting anyone who has a sweet smile and sugar-coated words thanks to a few encounters which hit me so hard that I am still reeling over the impact.

My Way or Highway.
I was vary about a lot of things, a lot of people and have become more so after the latest set back.. but by and large, I have understood that it is important to get things done rather than being adamant as to who needs to do and how they need to do and all.

Heartfelt Sorry, Thank You are sufficient.
No, it is not enough if you simply say sorry or thank you to another person.. people do expect a lot more.

There are a lot of opinions that have changed drastically, but this is all for now..

but the biggest of it all is
I cannot become Fat :(((
If I had never put on weight after gulping loads and loads of ghee and sweets and all, I can never put it on any point in life. you can surely become fat no matter how much less you eat unless you keep yourself physically active.

So, how about you guys.. do you have any opinions that have been time-tested and proved wrong time and again and that had to be changed forever.. if so, what are they??

Oct 26, 2009

The Ramayan Musings.. Ramayanamlo Pidakala Veta?

There have been times when I really really wanted to do a write-up on our epics, my take on them.. simple and plain, mine and just mine, nothing but mine, opinions and ideas about them.. Ramayana and Maha Bharatha I mean!!

Sirisha had done a post on it which prompted me to put in some ideas, which I had actually put up as a comment on her post but then thought of sharing it here as well.. I know, I just dont seem to have enough work ;)... but jokes apart. She had done a post reading an interview with the mythological character Ravana in a lighter vein which can be read HERE.

I had actually wondered a thousand times maybe or maybe even more than that. Ravana captured Sita in order to seek revenge on Rama and Lakshmana for insulting his sister Surpanaka and he just kept Sita in captivity, did not touch her against her wishes and nope, did not cut her nose or disfigure her in anyway. He treated his wife Mandodari well, he was a devotee of Lord Shiva, he was very disciplined, his only vice was being egoistic and belonging to asura vamsa maybe which again is not in his control. So, when Rama who made Sita go through tough times in the forest when she was with him and also left her for the words of the society and Lakshmana who left his lawfully wedded new wife to be with his brother and SIL and also cut off Surpanaka’s nose be treated like Gods... why treat him an evil... and burn his effigy year after year after year.

I have not read Ramayana completely, read only children's version, no idea about the actual Valmiki-written story or the gist of it. To me Ravana was the ruler of asuras or rakshasas whose duty was to create ruckus and riot destroying the yagnas, yagas and all that.. he had a lot of positives and looking back, I am not aware of any of his atrocities other than taking Sita a captive. May be the author has not dealt more on his negatives, did not completely picture him as a villain who needs to be murdered. I know, mine is not even 1% knowledge on the great epic and i am no one to criticize the Gods.. but still there are a lot of doubts and I better read it up before Sreya starts asking me a 1000 questions and if she is anything like me she is bound to ask loads of them.

Thanks to anna NTR, I have dual views of all the mythological characters, distorted, polluted confused opinions I must say.. if anna gaaru potrayed Ravana or Duryodhana, the character became the best-est one in the whole epic, misunderstood, misguided, misled whatever. If he were to be the hero, then the same character would be calculating, cruel, and in short disgusting... already confused naa laanti praanulni inkaasta confuse cheyyadam.. sigh!!!

Again, even in the epics more than the guys, the root cause for Sita's problem are women, yeah.. Kaikeyi and Surpanaka, the not-so-good MIL who wanted her step-son to be sent to forest and the kingdom be given to her own son Bharatha which made Sita too go to the forests and finally Surpanaka, another lady being the cause for the captivity, the war, and the final bhoo-samaadhi of Sita (indirectly, had it not been for Ravana's captivity, Sita would not be sent away to forest by Rama based on a washerman's words.. sigh).. and technically it is a MIL in case of Sita and SIL in case of Mandodari that wrecked the havoc in happily married lives ;)... so aa kaalam ninchi ee kaalam daaka no change annamaata.. okay, okay, I digress, getting back to the point..

If they call Rama "maryada purushottam" and epitomize him what are we supposed to learn from him?? make the family suffer for the society.. isnt it necessary to take care of the woman who has left everyone from the birth-home and joined you for life? and Sita an epitome of womanhood, no sorry you might be Gods but I do not actually agree what you have to put up with and dont really understand what they were trying to prove here!!!

Ento full flowlo kottesaa kada, pregnancy hormones ani blame cheyyatinki kooda ledu... so paithyam prakopinchindi ani saripettukodame mari ;).. ekkada edi kelikina ultimatega ee attala deggara aagipotundi!!! need to shake it up and look at other dimensions in life too... would welcome any debate here am looking desperately for someone who can justify Rama's actions.. he maybe a good administrator, a good person who never lies, a person who respects his parents, loves his brothers, but as a husband and a father?????.. a blank!!!!!!

atta meeda kopam dutta meeda ane typelo... ento ivvala raamula vaari meeda padipoyaa... kshaminchandi swamy, edo agnanapu pakshini boledanni doubts unna manishini.. devuduga ee mee avataaranni meeru justify chesukovali mari!!!

Oct 23, 2009


Hmmm.. I knew I was addicted to net but little did I realize that I was addicted to my blog this much.. today, suddenly when I try to reach my blog.. it said blog has been removed and some error number was allocated to it.. then, I felt real bad, it was like all my hard work went down the drain, it was like I lost my voice, it was like I am drained of my feelings, it was like I dont know what but it was like a deep pit in my stomach.. why did I have to feel this bad.. well, I have invested so much of time on it and it is but natural to feel sad if I lose the data, but then again what is permanent in this world nothing not even "us" you and me... aaawww... oka blog oka 2 to 3 hrs. kanipinchakapote waaaarneee enta vedaantam cheppanu kada...

.. but it made me realize one thing, that this place is the best outlet I have had so far. I shout, I cry, I smile, I laugh, I ponder, I pledge, I do a lot of things and it is not going to judge me.. the people who read it might judge me but then it is my choice to take the best and leave the worst.. no trolls so far (touchwood) but it surely does make me feel good, i can vent my feelings through this channel and be rest assured and forget about it.. it is like my sponge soaking in my emotions, better than my best buddy and yeah thanks Bhargavi for following my blog and like it, you really made my day the other day when we spoke.. i was like oooh okay, people do really like it and read it by choice and not forced upon and many of those who are regular followers dont know the actual me but yet keep coming time and again which is such a nice feel-good factor.

Thanks again all of you who care to comment, care to read and miss me when I am not around for long... and a biiiiiiiiiiiiig Thanks blogger and okay enough of praising the blogger, now the actual masala.. just dont ever ever do this scaring tactics again okay.. be a good boy/girl/thing... err.. whatever.

Oct 21, 2009

Pilli Kashtaalu

Nope.. naa moolanga pilliki kashtaalu kaadu, title choosi, naa sangati telisi inkolaaga decide ayipokunda clarify cheyyadam annamaata idi ;).

so, ee sadaru pilligari charitra emanagaa... oka bulli pilli pilla meow meow ani tirugtoo untey mudduga unna, poddunney choodakoodadu aney chinnapatininchi vastunna dikkumaalina nammakam moolamgaanoo, plus maa bujji gaadiki allergies vacchey chances unnayaney bhayamtonoo daanni dooramninche hi and bye cheppesedanni annamaata.. maa pakkintollu aa pilliki paalu posi, perugu petti penchi penchi aadinchevaallu... ippudu adi annitlo mootulu pettestundi ani raanivvatledu, so daani veera vihaaram anta maa intloney :(

aa madam garu or sir garu (manaki verification chesenta time, opika, efficiency emi levu ;)).. vaallintlo aadukuni maa intlo paalu perugu gatra bratakanivvatledu.. daani venaka padi taramadam naaku pedda task.. kooturini penchatam kantey kashtamaina pani.. poni paalu taagesindey anukondi eppudaina porapaatuna bujji gaadiki meow ni choopiddam ante ting ani paripotundi donga pilli..

sarey highlight enti antey, aa donga pilliki andakunda paalu, perugu daachestuntey adi ivvala chesina ghana kaaryam telusaa... manchi noone taagesindi.. not licking, total sucking or whatever.. donga munda lottalesukuni taagutuntey paalu anukuni taramadaaniki vella, choostey sunflower oil.. sound ledu, nenu choostundagaaney manchi flavored drink taagintalu jurru jurru mani jurrumanipinchesindi :(( evariki cheppukonu cheppandi naa kashtaalu..

evarikaina telusa.. pilli paalu maatramey kaadu nooney kooda taagutundi ani.. anni antenaa.. ee pilli varietyna.. ayebaboye!!!!

Penta pilli, donga pilli, chetta pilli, eesari kanipistey duddu karra petti naddi virakkodataa.. SPCA vaallochi nannettukeltaaremo but i dont care.. intinindaa elakalu untay but idento vaatito friendship chesi peaceful coexistence chestundi, dairy products matuku bayata undipotey oka rangelo kummestundi, intlo sofalo vellikala padukuntundi and worst of all ekkada padite akkada bathroom chestundi.. ayyo otti number 1 kaadu rendodi kooda :((((... emi chestaam cheppandi naa pilli kashtaalu.. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Oct 14, 2009


this is the one I have right now in the front yard, done and painted by my maid!!

Rads, one of fav bloggers, has tagged me on this one.. muggu or rangoli or kolam... pedda muggu picchi naaku.. I love the patterns, the chukkala muggulu, melikala muggulu, radham muggulu, sankranthi muggulu, latalu-poolu muggulu, so many types of them, love them all.. this muggu post I guess needs me jumping into my Tinglish flow..

Tellavaaru jhaamuney vaakili oodchi, kallaapu jalli adi kooda peda neellatoti pacchaga kallaapu jalli gummam mundu muggu petti aa muggulo pasupu, kumkuma, poolu vestey.. aa gadapaki vacchey andam choodaley kaani cheppalem. One of the upsides of being in a village is seeing this scene almost every single day.. aa muggula andaalu choodatanikanna poddune morning walk cheyyali anipistundi konni sarlu naa laanti veera walking baddakishtalaki kooda. addamga addagaadidalaaga balustunnaa kooda manam khacchitamga walking regularga cheyyamu anukondi.. malli walking gatra chesi glamor pencheste fans taakidi tattukodam kashtam kada;)..kikiki malli koti kommachhilu.. coming to the point.

My granny had a passion for these patterns, she used to have books of rangoli, notebooks full of her designs complete with number of dots and number of lines of these dots, those complicated intricate designs which she used to just give life to out of her memory.. great!!! In fact, I have read somewhere that Indian women do not have Alzheimer's that commonly because of the complicated things they do with their brains, yeah simple things like putting a rangoli keeps your brain sharp.. amazing isnt it. I am such a big buff but I dont actually remember many of them, so let me put it this way, appreciation of muggu talent is what I have in me. I know a few standard ones, like padmam muggu, vistaraaku muggu, and those tiny tiny muggulu.. will surely post the pics really soon. My grandmother, hats off to her patience, vaakili aliki muggulu pettedi, those were the people and those were the energies.. nenu vaakili oodistene dham, phat and 2 rojulu nadum pattestundi :((.

The designs that I most commonly draw are these...the one below is called the vistaraaku, which has different variations and I like all of them.. put that for pujas and in front of Tulasi

Continuing the muggu stories, if knowing the patterns by heart or by seeing is an art, then drawing the line is an art in itself, the thick lines, thin lines, hazy lines, each having a beauty of their own and I must admit that so far my mother's is the best line I have seen. She has such an art I must say.. wow!!! but she being lazier than me hardly puts the talent on display and yours truly hardly does that these days 'cos we have a maid to do these chores.. well Rads, I seriously am considering going back to doing them after your post.

.. and coming to my muggu expeditions, I used to put muggu regularly even back in US with chalk and all much to the horror of the OH. He used to be so scared with my muggu arts.. his dialogues "edo kshudra poojalu chestunnam ani 911 ki call chesestaaru ee tellollo, nallollo, please dannam pedataa neeku aapeyyamma" ;).. but what to do, pempakam alaantidi mari, gruhini ante poddune lechi vaakili oodchi muggulettali kada mari.. chinnapatininchi oooooookey cinemalu choosi choosi.. paatalu vinesi vinesi inspire ayyam kada.. muthyamantaa pasupu mukhamanta chaaya muttaidu kumkuma ani.. emi chestaam pelli ayyi USkellaganey talentki padunu pettadam annamata ;). I even used to have those stick up rangolis in the house on the kitchen floor back there. I have a few pics somewhere, need to hunt them and post, will do so shortly.

This one is specially close to my heart because it was drawn by my grandmother and recently re-painted by me in the pooja room...


Well, finally I have finished 15 the parayana 15 times and left the last and final one for tomorrow, Thursday and Dhanteras... hammaya. hammaya, thank you God for getting this done and getting a load of my mind.

By the way, I dont have a scanner but do want to share some bits of the parayana with you guys, the enlarged version is a good read.. so trying to post it up... tried typing the text in Tinglish but it really really is eating up my time.. will get this scanned surely some day!!

Oct 12, 2009

Dear Daughter - 6

Dearest LO:

I am really fed up of thinking and telling that time flies, it goes faster than that of course.. it just seems you were in belly yesterday and you are already a half-year-old.. a tiny individual already with your own likes and mannerisms. I just want to stop the clock for a while and keep staring at you in this Golden age of yours where your eyes light up seeing me even through the corner of your eyes. People do say you reserve your best grins from ear to ear for me.. and am I flattered?? oh boy!! I really am.. sometimes you make me feel what did I do to deserve you, my guardian angel.. err. it should be the other way round right. This month you are officially introduced to solids, had your annaprasana. In spite of peeps cheating on me by pushing the book towards you, you pulled out what you liked, the banana, the pujari placed on top of it. No, I am not happy that you picked it, I am not sad that you did not pick the book or money or whatever else but I am happy that you picked something of your own choice, not something that is forced on you.. yay!! way to go kiddo. Amma loves you all the more for being that. It is just a game or a ritual but I liked the way it turned out to be.

I am really going to miss all your firsts very soon.. first smile, first flip, first food.. the firsts are slowly drying up.. need to lap up each and every single moment with a lot more hunger than earlier.

You seem to be soo grown up to my own eyes (hye, hye.. my buri nazar) in those pattu langas and dresses that it is tough to believe that you just emerged so tiny from my belly. I love the way you are so full of life, I love it when you are such a social kid going to every one as long as I am around. You assure that you are in safe hands first and then go. There have been a lot of changes in you.. you do not go to everyone who want to hold you, you have to see me or a familiar figure that you can trust to be around in your periphery of vision or hearing to be with strangers, good job LO.. until the time I trust you with the strangers don't ever do that yourself okay? I mean I wont be this interfering when you know your way but for now let this be like this.

You now have those dangling ear rings which keep moving when you turn your head, no mistaking henceforth for a boy.. and yeah you are turning out to be a xerox copy of your father, a miniature version of him with features of your maama. So, where am I in this whole thing.. just a carrier???.. but you more than make up for no physical resemblance with just reacting like me.. just hope you dont get that anger from me.. just being your silently violent self is fine with me.

You have increased active time now and keeping you entertained is a huge task, you love being on the road in your stroller, the gift from your maama, smiling at people, cooing at those who take time to say hi to you or me or both of us, staring wide eyed at the autos, cars, tractors, bikes, cycles and each and everything that passes by. You are turning out be a little fussy with drinking your milk but then again it maybe teething. I HOPE it is teething for my sanity though.

There has been one moment which took the life out of me for a while, your fall.. waaaaaaaaaaaaahh.. I just cant hit myself enough for letting that happen but hopefully it must be the last. Forgive me dear!!!

You have been the angel you are but the mamma has been a little too engrossed with work and getting ready to get back to work, bad on my part but well that is how it ought to be, so I dont want to make it tough for both of us, I mean transition back to work.. hope you continue to be the best you have been so far.. I just want the best for you.

Each time I feed you, I pray to God that you learn to appreciate each morsel and never waste anything and be thankful for what we have and just that you get that huge heart to share what you have with the ones who are needy.

Love you kiddo..

Love you so much. Thank you for filling my life with light and joy.

mmmuuuaaah from Amma.

Oct 10, 2009

Baba Parayana Mini Booklet

This is the text in one of the baba books.. actually parayana books that I keep reading. I have so many understandings with God.. yeah, he is my friend and we have so many terms of our own. When the kiddo was born healthy and safe, I had promised him that I would read this book 9 times... but me being me, did not read it completely and kept postponing and adding up so many other things to the wishlist and kept telling him okay do this, I will do that and all that stuff.. yeah I know I know.. I am of the type wherein I would say.. "oh God, I am starting something like some xyz thing for you, it is up to you to get it done by me okay give me the will and strength to complete it.. in short, it is your responsibility to get it done"... yeah, akkada kooda manaki daadagiri ;).

So, when the kiddo's ears hurt I promised him that I would add up another 7 and make it 16.. but that time never came.. like I finished it 5 times at one go and then again the let me do later, see you are not allowing me the time and inclination to complete it.. good na, you dont do it and blame it on him only ;). Ultimately when the kiddo fell I was like.. okay, okay.. Got the message, am doing it right away.. so am on a reading spree.. finished it 4 times making it finally to the first promised quota of 9... hammaya, another 7 to go.. remind me if I fail to do it.. oh yeah.. it is for the kiddo, so no playing games.. will finish off by day after hopefully... so publicly I am declaring... "see God, I am willing, I want to, please please please get it done now."

This is the foreword of the booklet and I really really really like it... I will translate it later maybe but for now.. typing it in Tinglish.. :).

Ee samaajamloni samasyalannitiki moola kaaranam manishiloni durgunaaley. Durgunaalu samoolamga nasinchi manushyulandaroo sadguna raasulaite ee jagattey oka santhi saagaramautundi. Antaa naakey kaavali anukovatam, pagabatti saadhinchatam, enta unna tanakavasaram lekapoyinaa inkaa inkaa sampadalu daachukovatam, balamto, adhikaaramto, telivito, ittarulanu anayayamga saareerakanga, maanasikamga himsistoo taaney adhikudananukoni virraveegatam, eppudu loukika sukhaala kosam arrulu chaachatam, itarulu haayiga undatam choosi orchukoleka asooya chendatam aney durgunaala sthaanamlo vivekamu, prema, tyagam, vairagyam, saranaagati, sahakaaram chotu chesukuonte ee prapamchamlo evaroo tindi gudda lekunda alamatinchaalsina avasaram undadu. Dopideelu, araachakaalu, atyaachaaralaku taavu undadu. Manushyula madhya vibhedaalu, kummulaatalu undavu.

Durgunaalaku moolamaina nenu veru, jagattu veru, jagattulo gala sarvam naadiga chesukovaalaney bhavam nirmoolinchi sakala viswamu taaneynaney satyaanni anubhavapoorvakamga telusukovadame, aa sthithilo undadamey aadhyatmika leka bhakti yokka charama dasa. Antey maanavudu daivamga parinaamam chendi, daivamey taanavatame paramaavadhi. Durgunaalu, taanoo jagattoo veru aney bhaavaanni penchutaayi. Sadgunaalu jagattuku manaku madhya gala addugodalanu kooladostayi. Sakala sadguna moorthy ayyi daivamey taanaina sthithilo gala saibabanu nirantaram gurtunchukuntey aayanaloni sadgunaalu manakoo sankramistaayi. Aa batalo manam oka adugu vestey sai rendadugulu mana vaipu vesi sahakaristaaru..

ee pustakam saini manasuna nilupukovadaaniki sai anugraham pondadaaniki sahakaristundi..

The Wonderful Curve.. navvutoo batakaalira..

These days, more often than not other than the times when I am with LO, I tend to be serious, really really seriously thinking about life, the future, the work, the people around me, the cheap day-to-day politics in life, the political scenario in the world and a lot of things.. everything which subconsciously brings a frown on my face.. so much so that it is like it has become one of my prominent physical features :(.

I happened to bring a few dvds with old telugu songs and this one these days is in the continuous loop... which broadly means keep laughing as long as you live and die laughing too.. 'cos you cant laugh after you die and no matter how many people cry after that, you would not be coming back... so true!!!

Navvutoo batakaalira tammudu navvutoo saavalira..
Sacchinaaka navvalevura.. endaredchina bratikiraavuraa tirigiraavura..

Champedi evadura.. sacchedi evadura
Sivudaagna lekunda seemaina kuttadura.
Kudite saavalani oramadigina seema… kutti kuttaka munde sastondi choodaraa
anduke navvutoo batakaalira tammudu navvutoo saavalira

Batikundaga ninnu edipinchinollu, nuvvu saste eduttaru donga naayyaallu, donga naayaallu
Adi nuvvu soosedi kaadu, ninu kaasedi kaadu..
nuvvu poyinaaaa, nee manchi sacchipoduraa..
aye sannaasi navvara..
anduke navvutoo batakaalira tammudu navvutoo saavalira

This one specially is like the singer/lyricist is telling to me in person time and again... I am right in whatever I am doing but the only thing is get back that smile of mine.. thank you guys, to put that wonder back on my face.

Unnaduraa devudu.. odu vattaduraa tammudu..
annayam jariginappudu, akkaramam periginappudu
Vastaadura… sacchinattu vastaadura..
anduke navvutoo batakaalira tammudu navvutoo saavalira..

This is for me and just me.. smiling with the kid is a different thing, smiling for self is an absolute must to see and enjoy that smile on her face too...

Oct 9, 2009

When was the last??

There have been a lot of things happening in my life.. I was thinking about everything else but me all the while. It is so true that once you are a mother, being a mother comes first. Yes, I am still the individual I was before being a mom but right now the whole and sole ruler of my world is the LO.. so much so that I dont remember the last time I saw myself in the mirror. I was cleaning the mirror today and could not recognize myself.. I mean the bloated face, the puffed up eyes, the fat me looking at me in wonder.. I mean okay, you get fat but how come your face is proportionately fat... aawwww... then I do thwak, thwak, thwak and realize that it is almost a year and above since I took time to see my own face.. sad, bad. I see myself but in the pictures with LO not in the mirror per se.. It might seem to be a tiny thing but I was wondering if it is normal??

The other day, I had uploaded a few of my pics in picasa and the first thing people noted in the pic was my smile.. yeah my wholehearted smile/laugh or whatever that very in-demand curve which sets everything straight.. If the first thing the people see is my laugh and not my pretty daughter and comment on it as if it were ages since they saw me doing that.. then there is something really really wrong.

I should stop being so possessive, so obsessive in fact about the kiddo and all that needs to be done for her. I seem to be relaxed, working on something else, but round-the-clock the mind is subconsciously seeing if the kiddo is fine, if her clothes are clean, if her bed is made, if there any insects on the bed, are the bottles clean, is the water warm, is the formula well-stocked, is the stroller in working condition, is the bath water ready.. so so many things.. I have ample of help but still I tend to worry about them as if it were the MUST DO TASKS.. going by this rate, I will no doubt go mad as she grows up.. and by the way, who else thinks I am sane now anyways..

I am a person averse to getting ready, getting ready to me is being presentable, wearing a smile, tidying up a bit, combing hair, good clothes, a bindi on the face.. that is it!! ready to go any place, the only thing would be change in dress.. and even if I take time to get ready, no major difference.. maybe a blingy dress or a blingy jewel. No to lipstick, no to powder, no to anything other than a moisturizer. The only cosmetic I used to use is the nail polish that too to my toes and not the hands and that too if I remember correctly more than a couple of years ago..

so, today I took some time for myself.. cleaned up my face with facewash, massaged my hair with lots and lots of oil, scrubbed my feet clean (aaawww. it has been almost a year since actually sat and scrubbed the entire foot for more than a minute, initially due to not able to bend in pregnancy and now no time to bend ;)), applied a moisturizer (when was the last time I did that, again a year or so), and hold your breath applied the nail color.. looking at my feet, it was like I had them in some other life and not in this one... phew, such a change with such a little time and attention... good, need to do it more often before I myself start doubting my sanity.. and yeah the maid and mom were shocked at me actually looking at the mirror and the image in that critically.

To a reader, this might seem silly but to me it is a great achievement.. a sign that I am getting back on the groove, getting back to being my normal self. No, I cant be the same bubbly and innocent girl/lady I was a couple of years or so ago but am gradually inching backwards and trying to undo the damage done and my life like me is limping back to normalcy.

Good luck to self!!! and on a completely off-key note.. koti kommachi lekapote elaaga manaki ;)... why why why and why the hell did Obama win Nobel Peace Prize... did I miss something somewhere... am I turning into a frog in the well or is the declaration committee or whatever it is hallucinating and seeing visions!!!

Oct 8, 2009

This and That

The flood water situation that has left AP shattered is something that looms large on my mind along with a lot of other things.. it is refreshing to see the relief activities all over.. had school kids coming over to collect funds for the relief... no doubt about the donors but just hope the relief reaches the needy.

Another Nobel category announcement to a guy of Indian origin great.. feels good and his addition along with a couple of other nationals in that particular field takes up the toll to 7... and inspite of the happiness on this one, brain drain is what bothers me a bit and then again I console myself, okay he might have reached that place with all the facilities available out there and maybe his being there in that list is just because of his efforts out of India. How I wish India were free of politics in every field which limits the creative/research skills of individuals and makes them flee for better options.. and err... lemme go back if we claim this guy to be of Indian origin and take the toll to 7, mother Teresa was from a different origin and yet a global citizen so are technically still at 6 or lap it up to be 7.. confused... but whatever, proud to be a part of the world from where they were born or worked!!!!

and being a layman.. I have quite a few doubts as to the flood water situation in AP. There have not been too much of rains, so much so that villages together are drowned.. from what I can gather, the water has been released from other states too from the river Krishna which worsened the situation.. the waters from Almatti and Tungabhadra dams.. the inflow from elsewhere... so my small brain asks if states have dams to store water and they fight over releasing water to the needy why release it when there is too much.. cant that release be gradual and shared equally among the 3 states so that the villages arent drowned.. I really dont know the technicalities here and I dont want to leave an impression that okay fine dont release water and let the other states drown.. but it is a genuine doubt.. maybe some researching on the net and some querying would get me the answer but that for a later date!!! for now the issues is parked.. if any one of you happens to know, let me know too...

The other speculations of why NTR Jr. gave funds to CM relief first and then to the trust raised a non-existent doubt in me. Okay, good he has donated 20 Lakhs, keeping aside to which source has given it, he has given it, appreciated.. period... no other thoughts... a fellow blogger whom I follow had raised some doubts but I was like okay leave the kiddo.. then the paper Sakshi has as usual done some unnecessary over-action in this aspect, even that is okay... that is what they do most of the times... period... no other thoughts... but the kiddo donates the same amount to NTR trust again !!!!! if intending to give 40 lacs why not the same amount to his grandfather's trust or the CM.. why visit the CM in person and then why give it there... he has not put a stop to the rumors flying around but rather made me think maybe the first act was innocent spontaneous act of charity whereas the second was done by sheer force and media hype.. poor buddodu... give him a break!!!

Big Boss - 3 starts, would I miss it... yes and no... with work, kiddo, and hell a lot of things on my mind this form of entertainment is off my radar for quite some time.. but that doesnt mean I am not interested.. will look forward to some interesting offshoots of the same.

and yeahhhhh... I have a biiiiiiiiiig post on the common man's call for help in this time of adversity.. but it is almost 4 a.m. and I need to catch my sleep before I go for another day's grind...

The blunder :(

Hmmm.... I have been busy, have limited my net time a lot thanks to the kiddo's reduced sleeping time and am glad to be able to spend these happy and cheerful moments with her than on the web... by the way, she fell from the bed today and gave me the shock of my life and the resolute to be by her side always and save her like my eyeball from now on, now that she is flipping she is more prone to such accidents.. thank God for the biggest mercy in my life, her being unhurt.. otherwise, I would never have forgiven myself.. I was bringing her the meal and she flipped real bad flipping my heart over...

I need all the blessings and yeah an even bigger kaala tika or anti-jinx to warn off the evil eyes!!!!! yeah yeah yeah i do believe it......... please bless her!!!

Oct 4, 2009

Vaanocche Varadocchey... :(( Floods, Drought!!!

I dont know what is the world coming up to these days.. just a few days earlier I was feeling bad about the heat, the humidity, the lack of rain.. I still do have the same complaints when whole of AP was scared of the flood waters, we in the village still battle the heatwave and to say we are just about 50 kms from the epicenter of the chaos is really unfortunate.

I am usually on and off the TV watching phase because there is less news and more hype about the same, most of the times the channels make me feel if they are creating the news to keep the matters spicy :((.. it is that bad. If something drastic happens, we get to see the same thing in all the channels. If nothing does, it is the routine boy kills/abuses/threatens/wounds/rapes girl stuff or the usual dirty politrics of the political parties. WHAT IS THE POINT? But then how will I know what is happening around, newspapers.. naaa... they too have an agenda much much bigger than the intention to bring the news to its readers.. but I have to rely only on these to know the happenings... there I digress as usual.. sigh!!!

So, the point of the post is the current flood water situation in AP. It is scary to see people go homeless, foodless, powerless for days together, stranded on buildings nearby with nothing to eat or drink, no where to go, so many deaths, so many cries, so much of anger of people on the government. The sight of water flow is scary, the sight of Srisailam project yesterday with barely 1 foot left despite opening all the gates, the tension if water would raise that 1 foot and wash over was too much to bear scared the wits out of me.. so much so that I just shut off the TV and shut myself off from what was happening but was that right, nope.. but then what else could I have done nothing really.

More than the current flood situation, what scares me the most is the aftermath.. the diseases that are going to spread, the efforts of the people to limp back to normal life, the fear of what they have just witnessed, the emotional trauma, the time that it would take for that memory to fade, everything that is needed to rebuild life after this..

Just the other day I was going to Vijayawada on my nth trip to get my system repaired and was feeling really really depressed seeing the greenery turn to concrete jungle thanks to the real estate boom and each acre costing more than a crore at some places. Will this money give us food, will this concrete jungle sustain without trees, can we get enough oxygen to breathe or do we have to invent something to convert CO2 to O2 and wear some masks like astronauts and roam around??? how long can mother earth take such an abuse. Cutting down trees on the roadside, turning agricultural areas into concrete jungle, not planting enough trees.. is there even one thing that we are doing to improve our situation. As it is, this planet is just not what it was when I was growing up, what am I going to give my next generation... it is like we are sucking out all the essence of mother earth and leaving the final fiber to our kids... so much for claiming that we only want the best for our kids... phew!!!

When I was sharing my thoughts as to what will happen if people keep acquiring so much of property and people eat into the jungle/agricultural space for their homes, my maama was suggesting that nature will not let it happen.. it will reclaim its past glory.. I ask how and he says natural calamities, epidemic, nuclear/organic wars.. it was just an idle discussion, thrown up amongst us, an idle banter to be precise.. but with the outbreak of swine flu and now this flood scare, the submerged Mantraalayam and all, I begin to wonder yeah it is possible.. I am not saying what he was saying was true but it is creepy to see the coincidence within days of the discussion to say the least.

The lack of rains that haunted the state so far has given way to the extreme water inflow.. Why is there so much of change in the ecological balance.. why is nature claiming so many lives.. the reason I see is the mother earth is angry with us for not preserving the gifts it is showering upon us.. can we take small steps in that direction from now at least.. we have lived our life. I have seen the best days of my life and now with me being on the other side of 30s and LO just taking her baby steps in this world, it is my/our duty to give our kids the same if not improved earth.

For Evil Eyes on LO