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There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Nov 12, 2009

Children and No Children.. big deal???

I have been meaning to do a post on this for quite some time, especially since the time I conceived and even more so after LO. Why is it that there is a big deal attached to having or not having kids.. why is it that a personal choice or no choice becomes a talk of the town and each and every person has a say or opinion on that.

In the Indian society, once a couple gets married, it becomes everybody's concern from the first month or a few months max if the baby or the news of the baby is not on the way... GOD!!! cant I get a break from that. Cant that choice be left to the parents, cant they decide basing on their financial, emotional, physical capabilities or is it for the society that we end up producing kids. Just give me a break.

If this type is one.. the others, the new parents are of another kind, forcing you with the kiddie info which we neither need nor enjoy and asking directly or indirectly about those who are yet to have kids.

So, what is all the hue and cry about, it can be choice or by chance that you do not have kids, whatever be the reason, do we need to poke our Pinocchio noses into their individual lives. There are two possibilities.
1. They might be planning waiting for the right time to get settled first and then think about kids (great!!), they might be trying hard but without result, which has gotten then worried in the first place and do they need all the external useless factors to bombard their worried souls (give them a break).. No, they dont need your sympathy, no they dont need your advise, just let them BE.

2. Plain and simple they dont like kids (nothing wrong).. just like I and you might not like the dogs, pets, or anything... they might not like being with kids period. Who are we to judge. Like I am entitled to my opinion to have kids and raise them up, they have some other views on it, do we need to make them a target of our talk and disturb them!!!!

I was the target of such emotional trauma which took me to the verge of breaking point, to the point where I was doubting self, it was like hitting really really hard below the belt. As long as it is a personal choice of the couple, who are we (includes parents and inlaws) too to give them a dose whenever possible. Fine, you mean for our good, our welfare, our future, but if it is repeatedly done, we can come to a point of no return with the relationship severed forever. Is it good??.. and I seriously dont want to discuss about parents who are behind the back of the guy to get remarried for the sake of kids.. that is altogether a point of different post.

Another vice is terming the lady "godraalu" I so hate the term, why???? is it just the fault of a woman, cant it be the man and if a woman married to a guy sticks with him for their love and togetherness, is it fair to term that woman and segregate her from the society. I am not a big fan of events, festivities, functions whatever, but it hurts me a lot when being childless is considered the only reason for not inviting. Just looking at such a person brings evil is it?? What the hell, wake up!!! I just want to shake these people till their non-existent brains fill up with some matter at least. Already, a woman or a couple trying hard for the kid is tormented by what they are being put through for no fault of theirs, why do the rest as bystanders need to add up to their woes. Are we so inhuman, so not-bothered about the others feelings in this aspect and go on blindly... and why is there no such term for the man.. or is there and I am not aware of it????

Not being a feminist about it but my outburst is about the people I know in person who have put their wives at the edge of a sword for no fault of theirs. Like this guy who simply doesn't want a kid, no reason offered, but dictates no kid, to add to it, he waves out a sperm count result to show he is fertile but leaves his wife to the parents/inlaws/neighbors/every one in general to comment, suggest, talk nonsense straight to the face, all the while using protection. I just cant digest these things, but sad they do happen. It should be a couple's collective choice to have or not have the kids, one dictating the other in this regard just wont work. Who is a man to question or ask the wife to prove that she could be a good mother and then think about it... disgusting!!! This is another angle to the problem which might lead to disruption of the lives of the couple.

I feel that it is important to be a good individual with a kind heart and being a parent or not in any way does not hinder that. It is good to keep the child in us alive than giving birth to a child. I so wanted a baby and I had, so what is the big deal that I keep showing that as a trophy to others. I personally refrain from talking so much about LO with anyone in general. She means a world to me, not necessarily them, why bother them with my nonstop ga-ga.

It does not matter to me if my friend or any individual for that matter is a mother or not, it is never my criteria to judge her. If I post about my daughter, I post about a lot of other things too, my world is centered around her for now and will always be, so maybe a little bit more about her, but there will come a time when I have to gracefully give way, which I would.

Branding people child-less is something which I vehemently object to. I see so many of them giving life to the orphans and unloved kids. Isnt that the most noblest gesture of all. I also respect those who dont want to be parents by choice because they are not bowing down to the pressure of having a kid just for the sake of the society and leaving them to fend for themselves. At least, they are clear as to what they want and what they dont.

Childless... no, they are not.. they are keeping the child within them alive whatever the reason be, let them be in peace and knowingly or unknowingly never give a chance for them to feel bad... I am trying and if ever, I did hurt anyone, a big sorry!!! and others who want to discuss or comment something like this about someone please keep away, because you would be hearing my opinion, which I am afraid, will not be as softly put in words in person.

2 comments:

Sandhya said...

Hi,

A thoughtful post, indeed! I agree with you that it is a personal choice of a couple as to whether or not to have children. Where is it written that a married couple should have kids? It is more a societal rule that every married couple should have children. I was tired of being asked that question until I gave back to people who asked me the question. A cousin of mine used to constantly pester me with the question "Any good news"? Finally, I said "Oh sure, if you promise me that you will take care of my child for 4 years until he/she is ready for school (while I am away at work), I will surely give you good news". She did not dare to ask after that. I fail to understand why people interfere in other's lives as though it is everybody's business to ensure that a married couple has a child. When I was pregnant, a colleague of mine, a middle-aged lady came to congratulate me. Immediately, she turned to my colleague, whose cubicle is next to mine, and asked her "So, when is your turn?" Gosh!!!! please! it is her choice. Why bother her? I told this lady, "It is her choice. I do not think you should ask her like that". Later my colleague who was asked the question told me "Actually, I have a medical problem. I am not able to conceive". I felt bad. I told her "Dont bother about such people. You know what you are doing. Just ignore them or better still, give them a fitting reply if they pester you".
Until now, I have never asked a couple "So when is your turn?" Why ask? They know their priorities. Now people ask me "So, planning for second one?" Please, give me a break. My husband and I will decide whether or not to have second one. It is ok if they ask once. It is irritating, when they repeat the same question. A friend of mine once said "Thank God, I have a boy. You know, boys are precious than girls". I have gave her a good scolding to her. I asked her "What makes you think that boys are precious than girls?" She mumbled and then said "well..err". I said "see I am a mother of a daughter. My daughter is precious to me. Tomorrow, if I give birth to a son, he will be precious to me. But he will not be MORE precious than my daughter". Just stop this conservative thinking. You being a woman cannot talk like this. Every child is precious, be it a boy or girl". She was quiet after that. So much for people who are educated and say they are 'modern' in their thinking.

Talking about childlessness, this stigma attached to childless couple is so appalling. Why brand them as someone who has committed a sin? When we had a naming ceremony for my niece, we invited our neighbour, who does not have children. We grew up playing in that aunty's house and knew her well. When we named my niece, she first came forward to hold her, but stepped back.We asked her why. She said "vaddulemma, evaraina emmanna antaremo". We said "anevallu anani, meeru papa nu yettukondi. She needs your blessings". Why can't we just be cordial and polite to people and respect them as they are? Yenduku anta conservative thinking!! And surprisingly questions about children are asked to a woman,as though men can never have any fault in them.

The other thing that I hate is when a newly married couple adore a child or simply say cute, then people around them specially parents say "may be you should have one". Please!!!!!! can't we just adore what is cute. Why link everything to having children?

I have made it a point not to ask any couple about children. If they tell on their own, it is ok. But why probe? There are other topics to talk about. Talk about environment, current affairs, health, positive thinking etc.

Sorry for the long message. I wanted to convey my thoughts clearly.

Keep posting such thoughtful messages.

Cheers,
Sandhya

Sireesha said...

Reproduction is the norm, the rule, the basic instinct of every species in this world and humans are no exception. I think that's why such societal norms or expectations developed. There are people who do not want children, but this number is always small - like an exception to the norm. Most people just delay the event. With need for space and privacy for everyone, any interference or probing from others or society around at large makes one feel violated. If everyone practices the following - "Don't unto others which you don't want others to do to you", everyone will be happy. i agree that people should be more sensitive to others' feelings and choices.

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