Foreword

There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

Ref: Chichkoo is what I lovingly call my daughter, kiddo my brother, amma and taatee my late maternal grandparents, and OA is the other adult in the family.

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May 23, 2009

Yet Another Gem... Gamyam - Enthavaruku

Those who know me also know that the one man that I admire for bringing out the reality of life in his songs in a way no one else is Sirivennala.. Man, this guy is so gifted.. it is true that every word that comes out of his pen touches my heart so much and make me ponder on it for a really long long time after listening.. I can never be satisfied listening to them once.. it has to go on in an endless loop for sometime until I get peace... Thank God for such eye-openers.

Movie -- Gamyam, a lovely movie with a lovely concept.. love the dialogue of Gaali Seenu with the naxalite leader.. so true, so touching.. will reserve that one for another post.

Enthavaraku endukoraku intaparugu ani adakku
gamaname ni gamyamayite baatalone bratuku doruku
prasna lone badulu undey, gurtu patte gundenadugu
prapancham neelo undani cheppedaaka aa nijam tilusukovaa
teliste prati chota ninnu nuvvu kalusukoni palakarinchukova


kanapadevennenni kerataalu kalagalipi samudramantaaru
agararey okkoka ala peru.
Manakilaa eduraina prativaaru manishane sandraana kerataalu…
palakare manishi antey evaru..
Sarigaa choostunnaada nee madi madilo nuvve kada unnadi
Chuttu addala vidividi rupaalu nuvvu kaadantunnadi
Nee upirilo ledaa gaali... veluturu nee choopullo leda…
mannu minnu neeru anni kalipite nuvve kaada.. kadaa

manasulo neevaina bhaavaaley bayatakanipistayi drusyale
needalu nijaala sakshyaley
satruvulu neelone lopale, snehitulu neekunna ishtaale
rutuvaloo nee bhaava chitraale

eduraina mandahaasam neeloni chelimikosam
mosam rosham dwesham nee makili madiki bhaashyam
putaka chaavu rende rendu neekavi sontham kaavu ponee
jeevitakaalam neede nee nestam rangulu emestaavo kaani

To listen to it.. click here

May 19, 2009

Chinni Tallee Ninu Choodagaa...

Time flies.. how I wish I can freeze it to this time when everything seems so blissful and pleasant. It seemed to be ages for the pregnancy to end and you to arrive but now a day seems to be a minute. Thankfully, you sleep for most of the time which gives me ample of time for writing your journal and also time for ME (yeah I still need that space and time). If you have even an iota of my genes and take after me in any little way, I am sure you would be hungry enough to devour every little thing that I can document about you, how you were, what you did, what I did and all that stuff, so I make it a conscious effort to put those tiny moments here.. Yesterday was your big day.. the first visit to a place other than your hospital. We went to a temple as the priest has summoned us for pooja on the auspicious day of Hanuman Jayanthi which happens to fall on Tuesday.

There my LO, I had seen you in your true element, all happy and smiling yeah yeah.. those wide toothless grins at each and everyone of my granny's friends.. I just felt I would swoon, you looked so beautiful so precious.. though I had seen you smile a lot of times, it was always in your sleep.. crying, laughing, smiling, giggling, sad, happy, so many fleeting feelings just in a span of a minute or less, it was the first time I saw you smiling at people. It was a game for you.. looking at me, smiling, then looking at all the grannies each one turn by turn and then me and then them and your mom, i.e., me, being in her own element was happy beyond words and also panicked about all the evil eyes that would fall on you.. sighhh (I know I am going to listen to stop being so silly amma really soon from you).


Then came the true prayer from the bottom of my heart, a prayer of thanks, a prayer for your well-being and also mine so that I can take care of the biggest miracle of my life.. you.

Amma is mad about you (hehe, I know one day you would say, ayyo amma you are mad as it is) my darling and falls in love with you afresh with each passing moment.

Tiki Tiki Tag :)

When this tag was first doing rounds I was expecting the baby and could not wait to do it and now that i am done with the pregnancy business, I want to relive those moments at every given chance.. I really am a bundle of contradictions.. sigh..

1. WAS YOUR PREGNANCY PLANNED?

hmmm.. not really planned planned.. it happened.

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME?
Yes.. very much.

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?
The situation I was in at that point, did not know if it was a boon or a bane.

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU?
Hmm.. nope.. I know the pain (emotional) of it all too much to go for it again.

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
30.

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
Home Pregnancy Test but knew it before testing.

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
Well, we were looking down at the strip for the result, so it is me, mom, and bro.

8. DUE DATE?
April 9, 2009.

9. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?
Nope.

10. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?
Not really anything, just wanted to be happy.

11. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST?
My mom.

12. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX?
Girl.

13. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
No, actually was really scared at the thought if it turned out to be a boy.

14. HOW MANY KILOS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY?
12 kilos.

15. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
Yup.

16. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW?
Nope... I knew it fully well, my maama's wife did that for me.


17. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY?
A whole lot of them but fortunately my very own stuff not the baby.

18. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Vijayawada, AP, India.

19. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
0.. C-sec.

20. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL/BIRTH CENTER?
Friend's Husband.

21. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Doc and staff in OP.

22. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
Cesarean

23. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?
No.

24. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH?
3 kgs.

25. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN ?
9 days before the due date..April 9, 2009, at 9:14 a.m. on a full moon day.

26. WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION WHEN THE DOCTOR ANNOUNCED THE SEX OF THE BABY?
I knew it all the while, the radiologist confirmed but somehow was in doubt, so a big relief :).

27. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST REACTION ON SEEING THE BABY?
I was seeing a new born baby for the first time in my life..all mine. "She is a miracle."

28. DID YOU CRY?
Yup, the way she came into this world.

29. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?
Yet to name her.

30. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY?
1 month 11 days.

I pass the tag on to Rads and Ramya, I think the rest of the gang has taken it long, long ago, so long ago, I dont really remember how long ago.. ;).

People (S)Elect.. 2009

This year from the beginning has been one of anticipation in terms of politics.. err.. polit(r)ics.. In fact from the time the PRP made its debut in AP, there has never been a dull moment. The politics which were just limited to canvassing and blaming each other saw new heights to which these guys can stoop. No party stayed behind and none of them left any stone unturned. With Congress touting its so-called good-governance in the last term, TDP-Mahakootami touting "we have come together for the downfall of congress, PRP claiming its emergence for social change, and Lok Satta claiming a silent revolution, everyone tried to woo the voter with their sweetest possible tones and loads and loads of promising schemes in their manifestos, very tempting indeed.. cash transfer, color TV, separate Telangana, social justice, equal opportunities. Well, I must say each and every time I saw or read about any political party's promises I felt like voting to them and then do that typical Mahesh Babu act "aybaboye tempt aipotunnanenti" from Murari.

For a change, I was a bit relieved from watching the senseless news of girl-boy love, affairs, thefts, etc. flashing day-in and day-out in News Channels and good to see them focus on something else, politics for a change, but then again there were loads of ads criticizing each other and had a masti time watching those comic strips.

I had been following the elections closely for sometime now and have predicted that Congress will do another term, PRP is just a Hawa-ka-Jhonka, and Mahakootami will bring down any chance of TDPs winning and to my surprise my gut feeling proved to be right but what I did not anticipate was Congress reaching the much-wanted magic number (148) without any support, maybe with the support of rebels and independents and maybe it would be a close contest between MK and Cong.

So my take on each of these party results this time is...

Congress... Raashtram malli Hastha-gatam. What I think must have helped is the inability of the opposition to cash on the negativity rather than the people's trust on Cong and to prove that point, many elected representatives have lost in their respective areas which goes on to prove that people were not satisfied with the ministers for whatever reason. But what was fetching for them was in villages the implementation of schemes like Arogyra Sri, Indiramma Illu, Dwacra groups, 108, etc., which made lives of people easier. A common man just sees what he got, the smaller picture but not what the leaders made, the larger picture. Nothing is left in the treasury even now, wonder what will happen in another 5 yrs.
My Prediction -- Jagan will gain more prominence by the end and maybe groomed for next CM some time in the future.

TDP-Mahakootami -- The less we talk about it the better. I did not anticipate CBN to stoop to such a level to say publicly we have come together to defeat Congress. Well, thanks to the electronic media people are not that mad, they see what they are going to get and what they got rather than help satisfy anyone's egos. The alliances left so many genuine people disgruntled and disappointed and the lack of coordination among the allies lead to their own downfall. The rebel candidates split the vote bank helping the Cong to cash on it. Clear lack of agenda, anything concrete to boast of in the previous term, Telangana issue, etc., made it a hard-to-win race and even the steamy speeches of Jr. NTR and the coming together of whole Nandamuri Clan did not help.
My Prediction -- TDP will get rid of KCR and try to stand on its own and gradually Lokesh will grain more prominence in the party affairs.

PRP -- Phew, what can I say, from the day of its announcement I was expecting for something original to come from this guy and my wish just remained unfulfilled. I must say acting wins fans but not voters. The start was superb but the excess involvement of fans, caste playing a vital role, taking up people from everywhere and ignoring the ones who helped in inception played major havoc. But what I think went against Chiru was being with Allu Aravind.. I somehow really really hate that guy to the core. It goes on to prove that crowds were just to see the actor and not the would-be leader. Leaving people to speak and do as they wish (Pawan and Shoba) did not help the cause either. As he claimed, he is really the King Maker this time not the way he wanted it to be but having split the TDP vote bank with the caste card which boomeranged in his own face, he was directly the only cause for Congress Win, so they much actually thank this guy for doing what even they did not anticipate, the magic number, that is
My Prediction -- We might not see him again in the next elections!!

Lok Satta -- As I knew all the time, only JP won.. In fact I was not even sure he would win. Thank God he has chosen the area carefully where there are a lot of young and educated people to help him win. One major drawback of his is the language he speaks, he to me is like a walking public administration encyclopedia if nothing. His intentions, ideas, everything is good but of what use when a common man cant understand it. Coming to the allegation that he has split the votes of TDP by giving party tickets to kammas and rich and influential all the while claiming that they are against cash and caste politics, I genuinely think that there is no ulterior motive involved. If he has given party tickets to the rich and influential, it is because he has trust in them that they can manage their own funds. It is one party which does not accept black money, just depends on funds from common man. In the arena where people are giving money to get the votes, will anyone vote the party which says please donate money to the party fund and also vote to us.. Nope, they wont, not at this point. What the common man, the masses (the downtrodden, the ones who actually vote) knows is the immediate benefit not the long-term visionary views. So, if he gives tickets to people whom the party has to even help with booth costs, how will it work out. The OH has campaigned for LS in Hyderabad and the reaction he gets at places is "who are you, what are you going to give us if we vote".. what the $@&$%*%.
My Prediction -- It will gradually increase its base and JP will change his language, hopefully :).

I have seen people distribute money, liquor in my village. When they say police captured so much of money being pumped in, it is all eye-wash.. seriously if one gets paid 300/- by each party for every vote registered, that is 900/- per each registered head from all three bigwigs, how much will they be looting when they come to power.. I shudder even to think of it. The poor masses just see the 900/- in front of him and not care about the 900 million that is rightfully his is eaten unnoticed by these vultures.. sigh!!!

May 18, 2009

The Finale...!!! CB Story

I was taken to the prep around 8 a.m., they shaved and cleaned me up and got me ready, gave me the gown, covered my head and hands and legs in plastic gloves, hair band, and leg covering, attached an IV and walked me down to the table... at 9 a.m. sharp.. I climbed up the table, the team introduced themselves to me and the Anesthesiologist induced spinal anesthesia by bending my back and curling me into fetus position, within 5 minutes the drug took effect and I could not feel anything below by chest level... The doc and the anesthesiologist kept talking to keep me distracted and I was looking at Durga Ammavari photo just above on the wall and praying the baby to be healthy. Immediately, I could hear the doctors say the baby was moving very actively and the head was not stable and the staff had to rush up before she drank up any fluid... Within 7 mins the baby was out giving a shrill cry passing stool and urine on the table, taken away for clean up and there on the table I was dying to see her, see if everything is normal, if she is healthy, if she is okay with the aayah during the clean up... The waiting pediatrician checked her out and told me loud and clear that everything was perfect and weighing 3 kilos... exactly at 9:14 a.m.

The gyn and her team cleaned the uterus and stitched me up while the baby was ready. By the time they cleaned up the clots and placenta and all that, LO was ready and they brought her to me all dressed up in their complimentary pink dress, blanket, shoes, cap, gloves...

When she was put near me, she just brought out her tongue and licked me.. then I cried, just pure relief, the pent-up feelings/emotions came up and she was staring at me really curiously.

From that moment on, I fall in love with her every single moment I lay my eyes on her, and if that is possible I love her even more each moment... and she has been an angel so far too giving me ample of time and space for myself and giving me loads of pleasure more than any words can express!!

Jola/Laali Paatalu - 1

I was on the lookout for lullabies in Telugu for LO. It was a tough task for me to put together a lot of these together, 'cos no site was really offering anything concrete. Please do let me know if you have any sources... As you know, she is very big into music right from the time she was in the tummy, so for her to sleep one needs to sing.

Her dad, the OH, has introduced her to this habit and now it is me who has to do the singing... glad that I happen to stay in a biiig house and there is no one in the near vicinity to be tortured other than the baby ;).. but on a serious note, she really likes my voice (what choice does she have anyways ;)) and so I feel like I am top of the world.. yeah I know, it is going to be short-lived but let me enjoy it until the time she says "SHhhhhh.. Mom."

Yeah yeah I know, those who see my blog these days will get to see only about me and my daughter. But then this blog is all about what is happening in my world.. Sree's Zone as it says, so right now it is only SHE who rules!!!

Movie Song -- Indira... AR Rehman

Laali laali anu raagam saagutunte evaroo nidura porey...
chinnapodaa maree chinni praanam

kaase vennelaku veeche gaalulaku hrudayam kudutapadade
anta chedaa maree venu gaanam

kallu melukunte kaalamaagutundaa bharamaina manasa aaa
pagati badhalanni marachipovutaku undi kaada e.. ekaanta vela !!laali laali!!

eto poyeti neeli megham varsham chiliki vellada
edo antundi koyala paata raagamaalakinchadaa
anni vaipula madhu vanam poolu pooyada anukshanam
anuvanuvuna jeevatam andacheyadaa amrutam !!laali laali!!

*** girl/lady voice.. the one in the guy's tone has a bitter tinge in it, so did away with that for the kiddo ;).


Movie Indrudu Chandrudu

laalijo laalijo ooruko paapaayi
paariponeekundaa pattuko naa cheyi
laalijo laalijo ooruko paapaayi
paariponeekundaa pattuko naa cheyi
telusaa ee oosu
chebutaa kadha oosu
kaapuram chestunna paavuram okatundi
aaline kaadandi kaakine koodindi
antalo emaindi adagave paapaayi
paariponeekundaa pattuko naa cheyi


Movie Kabhie Kabhie


Mere ghar aayee yek nanhee paree
chaandanee ke haseen rath pe sawaar

uske aane se mere aangan me
khil uthhe phool gunagunaayee bahaar
dekhkar usko jee naheen bhartaa
chaahe dekhoo use hajaaron baar

maine poochhaa use ke kaun hain too
haske boli ke main hoo teraa pyaar
mai tere dil mein thee hameshaa se
ghar mein aayee hu aaj pahalee baar


Movie Sutradhaarulu

jolaajolamma jejela jola jejela jola
neelaala kannulaku nithyamalle pula jola, nithyamalle pula jola
llolalalalalala haayi, haaye.. lllolllalallalala haayi haaye
repalle goppana repu marachi nidaroye, repu marachi nidaroye
yadagiri narasanna aadamarachi nidaroye, aadamarachi nidaroyi
edu kondala enkanna eppudanaga nidaroye, eppudanaga nidaroye
kode pillada neekemo kunukaina raadaye kunukaina raadaaye

lllolllalalalla haaye haayi…!! Jola !!

Movie -- Geetaanjali
0 paapa laali janmake laali
premake laali paadana teeyaga
O paapa laali janmake laali premake laali… paadana o paapa laali
naa jolala leelaga taakaalani gaaline korana jaaliga
nee savvade sannaga undaalani korana gundene korika
kalalaarani pasi paapa tala vaalchina vodilo
tadi needalu padaneeke ee devata gudilo
chiru chepala kanupaapalakidi naa manavi
o paapa laali

O meghama uramake ee pootaki.. gaalilo telipo, vellipo
O koyila paadave naa paatani teeyani tenele challipo
iru sandyalu kadalaade yeda ooyala vadilo
selayeruna ala paate vinipinchani gadilo..
chali yendaku sirivennalakidi naa manavi…. !!o paapa laali||

Movie Swathi Mutyam
laali..laali..laali..lali
laali..laali..laali..lali
vatapatra saayiki varahaala laali
raajeevanetruniki ratanaala laali
vatapatra saayiki varahaala laali
raajeevanetruniki ratanaala laali
muripaala krishnuniki aa..aa..aa
muripaala krishnuniki mutyala laali
jagamelu swamiki pagadaala laali || vatapatra||
kalyana raamuniki kaushalya laali ||2||
yedhu vamsha vibhuniki yashoda laali ||2||
kari raaja mukhuniki
kari raaja mukhuniki giritanaya laali ||2||
paramaasha bhavanuki paramaatma laali ||vatapathra||
jo..jo..jo..jo..joo jo..jo..jo..jo..joo
alamelupatiki annamayya laali ||2||
kodanda raamuniki gopayya laali ||2||
symalaanguniki symayya laali ||2||
aagamarutuniki thygayya laali ||vatapatra||


Mooga Manasulu

Paduta teeyaga challaga.... pasi papa la nidurapo talliga.... bangaru talliga..... paduta teeyaga challaga.......

kunuku paditae manasu kasta kuduta padatadi
kuduta padda manasu teepi kalalu kantadi
kalale manaku migilipovu kalimi chivaraku
aaa kalalu kuda dochukune doralu unduru
paduta teeyaga challaga..

PS: These songs might not be full-fledged lullabies but the first few lines at least would make good singing material..

The Journey.. Final Destination.

The third trimester just went off in a rush with me gaining weight rapidly and getting quite breathless, unable to sleep, stand, sit or do anything for any length of time. The movements had gradually slowed down because of the confined space, the countdown had begun and my panic raising by the moment as to how I would cope up with so many things, a new baby, a new life and then my life (now I know, we don’t have separate lives they are one and the same dear, at least until the time you want them to be separate). As the time went by, I was preparing myself for the eventual Cesarean delivery because of some pelvic obstruction in me. I felt bad that this would not let the nature take its course of action but then felt relieved because you would come out without a moment of pain that the usual normal-delivery babies have. I had a few false pains and loads of suggestions to get done with pregnancy earlier since I was past the full-term consideration anyway but I stay put because I wanted you to grow fully and stay inside the belly as long as you still can. So, it was either I wait for my pains to start, water to break, or wait until the doctor says you can no longer stay inside. Eventually, the third thing happened when on April 8, the doc said that the amniotic fluid was drying up and the uterus was fast maturing and the baby needs to be out ASAP. Then the decision to get the baby into this world the next day was taken. On the day of pournami, in the hasta nakshatram time, the baby was born at 9:14 a.m. and a new chapter in my life began precisely at that moment.

I still remember the panic I had on the operating table with doctors trying to keep me distracted after the spinal. All it took was a few minutes to cut open my tummy and get her out but those few minutes seemed like forever and the first cry that I heard was the best sound my ears had heard, I could just see tiny body covered with something liquidy being rushed to the pediatrician in waiting and while the Gyn continued with her job, it seemed for an eternity until the pediatrician came back to the room to say that she was a perfectly healthy 3-kg infant. It was then that I started breathing normally and relaxed. The first time she was brought to me all wiped up and dressed in a pink dress and blanket given by the hospital, that moment will be etched in my memory forever. They brought her close to me and she just brought her tongue out as if to lick me and wipe out all my worries.. mmmuauuuaaaaaaahhh was all I wanted to do but could not and it was not until the next day when I was made to sit up that I could take the baby into my arms and feel her and look at her to my heart’s content and then began our journey in the world outside.

And given a chance, I would relive the entire experience time and again but this time without any panic and just enjoying every single movement within rather than concentrating on the stuff around.

The Journey.. 2nd Trimester

Then came the 4th month end when there was this butterfly-flutter sensation in the belly which gave me the first signal or touch with reality about the baby, an indication of the life that is growing rapidly in my body, an individual being carved out of my flesh and blood and gaining a form of her/his own. I used to wait for those flutters to feel the presence, the much needed reassurance that all was well.

The 5th month was the happiest phase where the kicks were solid, the tummy being the target practice for good football kicks. The baby doing the rounds and the most amazing thing of all, reacting to the music. Yes, yes, I am not crazy, whenever there was music going on in the background, especially the mass stuff the baby used to do somersaults which made me wonder whether she really loves it soo much or just hates it to the core.. whatever it was, the fact that the baby has its own choices and moods was the first reflection that she sent me from within.

Then came the anomaly scan in the 6th month or rather the end of 5th and the beginning of the 6th which was the most crucial one for me because it was in this scan that any defects in baby growth would be known.. the panic mounted to its peak stage, so much to the point of a near breakdown, now I know how worthless that panic was.. there is someone above who really took care of everything. The happiness the moment the radiologist told me everything was fine is indescribable. I was relieved and the immediate question was can I know the gender???.. Nope came the reply as it is against the laws.. but I don’t know what came on him after showing me each and every internal organ on the screen and then looking at my face, he just told me “IT IS A GIRL.” The tears that were flowing knew no bounds, I always wanted a girl from deep within, was actually consoling myself for the eventuality of a boy (I know it is silly, I would have loved the kid just the same had it a been a boy too) that whoever it is, the baby should be healthy and happy (period).

This is one phase of pregnancy where I did not feel pregnant at all and yet knew of the presence of the baby and felt her movements.

The Journey.. 1st Trimester

Nine Months… I don’t know how they have begun and how they have begun to come to the last phase. Initially, there were a lot of things going on that I could not focus on what was happening with me or my body. There were times when everything I wanted to do in life was crystal clear and then there were times when everything seemed blank and bleak. Every emotion was an extreme, nothing was balanced. There was utter chaos, nothing in my control. I wanted someone else to desperately take hold of the reigns and lead me to a stable life and at the same time I was so panicky as to put my life completely in someone else’s hands. I was a bundle of contradictions, always hyper, everything seemed clear and as a blur at the same time within a span of seconds. There were times when I felt I was going to go mad with so much going on both within me and around me. There was this something that kept me going, really strong, breaking me down but resurrecting me within seconds at the same time. Yes, it is the miracle that is growing inside me, my baby, all mine, the one that I had longed for, prayed for, and nearly gave up on.

I had lost one in the really really early stage and cursed myself unable to bring myself to believe the turn of events that might have lead to the early AB. It hurts so much even to this day to even think about it. The events that happened as an aftermath are something which should be left un-discussed and un-thought at this point or for that matter ever again in the life.

It was one thing before the movements started, so many fears; lack of pregnancy signs one day and a burst of the same on some other days; constant nausea vomiting, the fear of placenta previa, the constant urge to check for bleeding, need for reassurance, the lung infections, the ear infections, ear bleeds, the lack of medication to treat any of them, the hormone supplements just in case due to the previous history, the new place, the single-room dwelling, the pollution outside… everything seemed to be against and every step seemed to be a steep uphill walk. The urge to think why do I need to bring this innocent soul into this world filled with so many kinds of people, so much of pollution, everyone so fake, so self-centered crept in many a times but I thank God for guiding me through and keeping me strong through this very unique miraculous journey of a teeny-weeny tiny egg to a full-grown baby.

The gut feeling that I had back in US that there was something going on in the body which made me turn back and think for a while was the first feeling that I had for this little one. Almost immediately after conceiving I knew she was there and yes, I knew it was SHE and it had to be SHE. I could feel her journey inside me but really sure because of the earlier mishap. Wanted her so much yet did not want to pin up any hopes.

Back home, the first faint line on the UPT, the mixed feeling with 3 heads bending over to check the result and the blankness at the clear second line was the next feeling as the reality just sunk in. Then the confirmation from the doc with the blood test and the scan, the tiny blotch that I could see on the scanner screen were the only indications. Thus began the journey of the life of my baby the LO into this world.

Then came the first heartbeat heard at 6 weeks, the rapid lub-dub, lub-dub of the flesh within me was so overwhelming, so touching, it is an unbelievable feeling, the one that I had experienced for the first time, my very first burst of love for the form within, the need to touch it, kiss it and say that it is not alone and the feeling that neither am I any longer.

The trimester was big in terms of doctor visits, hormone support, NLTs, scans, blood tests, fevers, morning sickness, vomiting, sleeplessness. There were moments when I secretly gave up and wanted the baby to give up too unable to bear the pressure around me but then something kept us both going.

May 9, 2009

Dear Daughter - 1

My Little One,

It is tough to believe that it is already a month since you first came into this world. It seems to just be a moment ago that you were taken out of my womb covered in blood and fluids with the cord attached to me. Just typically being me I had mixed feelings at time happy that you were finally out of that confined space covered in body wastes and all in the womb and sad that the cord, the lifeline for you and me, would be cut and you would be an altogether a different individual, a different personality.

All the tension and everything that I had during those nine months just vanished in a moment. The paranoid mother that I am, was glad that you would be cut open as against the normal delivery as that wont be painful for you. The first moment that I saw you was a blank and then ecstatic about the little miracle you were, so tiny and perfect and complete (touchwood) and then sad about the circumstances that you came into this world, all in a ziffy. Then when the nurses brought you to me, me being stitched up, numb from waist below and you sticking your pink tongue out as if to kiss me.. err.. rather lick me. That moment my dear will be etched in my memory for ever and ever and I assure you that the same feeling I had at that time will be there for you as long as I am alive.

This month seems to have gone by just like that, me with routine aches, pains, mood swings, tensions, breast-feeding woes and you struggling to adjust to the noisy, polluted, totally different place than the one you had known so far, my tummy, and your own set of issues like latching, feeding, poop and what not!!!

The initial 10 days passing with me just being a mute spectator watching you with my mom taking care of your feeding and everything else. I was very hesitant to get attached to you for the fear of the time when I get back to work, (now I know how baseless that feeling was). I guess it was more of my missing you than you missing me that scared me and kept me away from you. Then everything gradually fell into place with me finally settling into a peaceful routine with my fears shattered and a new calm that I had almost forgotten for the past 9 months.

I was very nervous and jumpy when we were on our own, me with healing stitches and you a days' baby, but all said and done I am happy with us having settled into a routine and bonding over our individual struggles, you adjusting to world outside and me slipping into the role of caretaker for you, a world with just two of us, getting by with the help of maids. I am glad you are so accommodating and just took everything in your stride and not even stir when so many events were happening around you and just slip into whatever routine I put you through.

I feel helpless seeing you struggle with latching issues and my inability to lactate enough and just do nothing but stare and cry with you when you cry in pain at potty time.

It has been a month and I just cannot remember anything else in my life. It is as if my life has just 2 parts, past one without you and present the one with ONLY YOU.

Love you my darling with everything that I have.

Love,
Amma.

PS: I had this as a draft and was toying with the idea whether or not to post it out in public view, display infront of those who care to drop by but then what the heck, I had been a mamma-baby blog fan ever since I entered this blogging world, more than half my blogroll contains moms and babies and I soo loved reading their posts and experiences and felt good about it, so why not??? though I will not be posting pics.

May 8, 2009

Me.. The Mom


How do you feel now that you are a mother?? This is one question that I loved asking my friends enjoying the motherhood and now when it is my turn it somehow feels so unreal at times and ecstatic at others.

It has been nearly a month and I still am to come to terms with the fact that I have this tiny little baby all for myself, who is entirely dependent on me and everything that I do or dont do will have an impact on her for the rest of both of our lives.

She is the one I have always wanted, the most precious gift to me. I have always wondered how it feels and now I know.. like I read or heard somewhere, it is like my heart outside my body. She has been a part of me for so long that she still feels like an extended body part to me.

On her way out, she has left a baby-shaped hole in my heart which I can feel, hear, see, and kiss for real. When they say that a woman is complete when she becomes a mother, it might not always be true because completion means a lot of things to a lot of people. For me, being complete is giving a meaning to our own life and to the people around us. She has made me a mother and it is up to me to bring her up and make myself complete. She has started a new chapter in my life and giving meaning to it is in my hands now. God give me the strength to be worthy of being a mother to this tiny angel.

It is like ME in me has given way to HER in my life and with one look, she has earned a slave for life in me. I reiterate my promise to you my LO that I will be there no matter what until the time you need me and I pledge my life to you and your well-being!!

May 7, 2009

Am Sad :(

I am sad today, really sad at somethings that are happening but cant really do anything about them, so just being a mute viewer. I feel so disturbed thinking about an individual and the life that he has lived, the lives he was the reason to BE today, and everything and cannot feel but sad that his anniversary is not properly done.

It is my taatee I am talking about, my maternal grandfather, the person whose death totally uprooted my life and am still struggling to gain a foothold and bring some sense into it. It is his eduru (1st anniversary today) and traditionally, we have to do a small ritual on his name which we believe relieves him from this material world forever and his soul joins the Divine above, which has to be done by the sons. I am no one criticize or judge ones feelings about another individual because I myself am pretty much upset (a really small word for what i feel for this guy) with my own originator. But I feel sad, I did whatever I could, but feel that void. Taatee wherever you are, I hope you will get your mukti or whatever and just be at peace. Love you soo much!!

For Evil Eyes on LO