There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

Search This Blog

Jan 26, 2010

Phir Mile Sur..

It is Republic day... a day in my life significant for my bro's birthday, someone came into my life to stand by me in everything. I decide to be happy today and no matter what, I will remain so. Well, this is going to be my motto for every day from today.. I will be happy.

I had tough time sleeping last night with severe coughing bouts and very disturbed mind.. why the hell do I lose control when I know that my life is in just my control. I do not have to shout and scream and yell and make my point when the same can be done much more effectively silently. When the hell will I change or will I ever.. when I feel I am cool and composed and nothing can affect me I am proven wrong by myself and time and again, my decision to stay away from people who trigger that is 100% right. Thanks Caps for listening it out, it helps to unwind.

Mile sur mera tumhara a music segment to propagate unity done around 23 years ago still rings in my years and all the memories rush back. It was a visual and listening delight. It was a feast to our little eyes. I did not know what it signified, it just meant to show off how many languages we knew.. mug up the song and count the number of languages :).. funny when I look back and remember :).

watch it HERE.

I woke up today to channel surf while my daughter played with the chicken and her grandmother to listen to the new version of it.. Phir Mile Sur on Zoom TV, directed by Kailash Surendranath. To me, the older version meant sincerity and simplicity while this new one is a fusion of old and new with a whole lot of themes and concepts to it. Has it retained its charm through transition??? Yes, but not it does not match with the older one, it had a beauty of its own but to be fair to the new one, it is okay or maybe I just dont want this new one to take away the memories I had with the other.

It felt good to listen and it felt great to see some parts of it. the significant places seen in the backdrop, the idea behind it, the fusion of the past and the present and the next generation, the mix of sports and arts is a delight to watch. It is I guess lengthier than the previous one, but it did not feel boring, it brought out the personalities of various people and the essence of our nation as to what it should be rather than portraying what it actually is.

Mile sur mera tumhaara, to sur bane hamara... As usual, the AB family is given more importance, the three khans come together, Anushka Shankar, Abhinav, Baichung, Gopichand, Saina, the bangash clan, and for a change the otherwise reticent Mahesh Babu in the regional actor segment.

I missed Sushmita though, the whole thing somehow seemed incomplete without her. I missed Lathaji/Ashaji, Dilip Kumar, Devanand, khushwant Singh, etc. too, maybe the length was too much but I would have at least liked a glimpse here and there...

The theme I like the best is one by sweetheart sallu miya and another one by Mahesh Babu, the backdrop is really good and amazing and coming to involvement Sallu beats them all.

In all, the old wine in the new bottle as the old one is in a way lifting up the spirit.

The day well begun went on to be the first-half well spent with us participating in the Republic Day Celebrations in the school. We gave away chocolates, pencils, pens, and books to the kids and felt really happy to be a part of their celebrations.

Mile Sur Mera Tumhaara, Toh Sur Bane hamara
surki nadiya har dishaa se behke saagar me mila
baadalonka roop lekar barse halke halke.

nee swaramu naa swaramu mana swaramai sangamamga avatarincha....

jhili jhili jhili jhili borse... wonderful lilt

The significance of it at the time of each state wanting to be split into two or more is really really high... it is a part of childhood memories of every kid who was raised in the house with a TV thanks to it being aired in DD by Lok Seva Sanchar Parishad, written by Mr. Piyush Pandey (courtesy: Wikipedia) the lyrics are simple yet convey the message clear and strong in 14 different languages.

I however feel that this song should have had people from all walks of life rather than focusing on glamor and glitz.

Jan 24, 2010

Anger, the pain that comes with it

There are three things which are immensely pleasing to to the Lord:

1. A tongue that never indulges in falsehood.
2. A body that is not tainted by causing harm to others.
3. A mind that is free from attachment and hatred.

These three constitute the Triple Purity.. trikarana suddhi in other terms..

I guess not just straying away from truth but also just refraining from saying anything about anyone you really dont want to think about should be learned. People call me mad for shutting out some otherwise unavoidable people in my life, but I guess rather than boiling within and harboring ill will with a whiplash tongue, why not spare myself and the other individual/s the pain/anger.

I had come to a near point of self-destruction at one point giving importance to undue sources so much so that I lost my unborn baby. It can also be possible that I would have lost her anyways (just 5 weeks from conception) but there was so much frustration within myself, so much anger on myself for letting things go out of hands, so much of helplessness, self-hatred, loss of self-confidence by constant criticism and the feelings which were hurt for a long time but just suppressed in a hope that some day I would be understood. I should have done what I did now a long time ago, moving out silently sparing myself the self violence. I could see the extent of damage I was capable of doing to myself, how I could bring the worst in myself, how I could succumb to ill-intentions of some people, how I could just burst out.

I just did not want to bring another soul into so much of a filth surrounding me and within me. I refuse to believe though that all was in my mind and there was no trigger. I dont want to think about anything. I actually wanted it at some point in a mad rage. The hormones and my grandfather's death did not help either. I was scared, shocked, with his death there was no place that I could really go to if things were as bad. I just wanted to escape but there was no place, so I just wanted a way out before I turn out to be the mad person I was being projected to be. Maybe that is the reason, God took her away from me... reminding me that a kid should not brought into such disturbed environment. Maybe that sinful thinking is what made me go through the hell that I had been through. That anger, the root cause of everything. My anger which a few people wanted to give the name of madness and still do is something that nearly destroyed me.

NOW, after the kid, after some severe setbacks I refuse to get angry on anything other than myself and gradually eliminate that too..

Like a friend of mine says and believes "Never stay at a place where your soul does not feel at home." I would say never, never again.

If it took so much from me to realize that some things are just very best left unthought and unfelt, what would it take to me to realize other facts of life.

Do I want to wipe out everything and start on a clean slate. No, I dont want to.. I want them to remain on the slate to remind me what not to do ever again and how to go about in future.

If some place/person(s)/thing/thought brings out the worst in you, that is JUST NOT FOR YOU.

Jan 23, 2010

On a happy note

okay leaving the cribbing part, I have had a great day after long, after I finish my work for the day, manage to do some reading, and still spend ample of time with the kid roughhousing each other. Actually, a working day break where I get to see a movie, sleep on the couch, and wake up to see LO licking all over the face with a smile to die for . Is there anything else so wonderful as your baby showering you those beautiful exclusively reserved for you toothless grins.. I must say no, not that I have known so far at least.

Truth sucks!!

They say that being a parent ourself makes us to get closer to our own parents as we can relate and understand them much better, the way they would have dealt with us and helped us be what we are.. or basically just that cozy we love you 'cos you loved us feeling but why is it that each time I see my kid and me as a kid I feel all the more depressed, forget getting close I am moving to a different sphere altogether.

I feel like an orphan all over again in spite of so much of love and support that I get from all around. I must say I am blessed to have this strong a support although I have my own class-taking sessions from them, they basically do let me be ME. I still miss that not coming from my own flesh and blood donors though my sibling more than makes up for both of them (touchwood).

Why the sudden outburst?
Maybe just giving birth isnt enough, you need to bring them up to actually love them and I am obviously brought up by my grandparents who are no more and my maamayyas. My mom likes me and does a lot for me, but she doesnt really love me enough to love me unconditionally, well these are her own words. When I get praised for being a good mother ???????????? by my mother who says she has not been able to do that. I think a mother is a mother not good or bad when it comes to the kid period. Each person has a set of limitations and it is only love if we accept them in spite of everything. So, after being a mom, I accepted her totally and am finally at peace with myself.. but some times words like these do tug at some raw nerve. :((

Human mind is such player, I have everything in the form of my daughter yet I crave for something which I lack. Isnt there something like unconditional love between parents and their offsprings or are there exceptions here too like everything else.

I hate the same thing repeated again and again "nuvvu kooda oka biddaki tallivi kada, neeku telustundi badha ento".. what the hell, it is not mandatory to be a mother to know pain, it is enough to be a human being!!!

Jan 22, 2010

Thoda Happy Thoda Sad

That is all about life right... just yesterday I wrote about the chicken that I got for LO and today morning when I wake up to feed them, one of them just did not stand up, it was alive but went limp :(((.. the pink colored bird in the pic below.. So, took it from there, made it drink some water, prepared a swing type of thing from a tiny cardboard box and hung it to the bulb to give it some heat and light. It kept making sounds, but did not open its eyes, everyone around me gave up the hope. I did too but just could not let it be, so I sat next to it whole day :((((.. feeling bad, whatever species it is, it almost kills to see tiny babies breathe their last. I am told time and again that they just wont live, but they why do they sell them, immersing in color. I wanted to leave them with some hen and her chicks but due to their color, I am told that the hen would kill the colored ones :(. I cant hit myself enough really... so it is just the four leafy, chickie, saffie, lemoney (I know, I am crazy, one who names soft toys, so named them all) who are alive and playing now. I dont see them missing their buddy but I miss that little one really bad. Even LO has taken to like them a lot and keeps watching them clapping, waving and talking/screaming to them. RIP pinkie :).

It breathed its last at 3 p.m. after 7 hrs or more of pain and I was kind of down all day. Since it is Daalava (crop time) season mosquito menace everywhere, so I went to bring mosquito net for the kiddo's bed so that I am kind of diverted out of the sad mood. It is in the next village and as I got to the shop and I come out, I see one of the most beautiful sunset moments I have ever witnessed. I almost kicked myself for not having a camera with me to capture that lovely moment. The bright orange ball obstructed here and there by gray clouds, then just the ball for a while and then a semi circle and gradually vanishing for the day to bring a happy morning in some other part of the world having done its duty here. I kind of went into a trance watching it and people around me sure would have felt I was a gone case.

Like this one of my favorite movie dialogue which goes something like this "manam vennalani roju choostam puri adi eppudo okasaarey andamga kanipistundi.. adi roju alaage untundi, choose manalone undi" True, there are many times we look at the moon. It is only sometimes that it does look really really awesome to our eyes. It is always like that, it is just in the eyes of the beholder that everything lies....

I did not get the net but I did get out of the sad mood and actually I found myself humming "uthe sabke kadam, tara rum pum, aji aise geet gaaya karo... kabhi khushi kabhi gham, haso aur hasaaya karo." on my way back home.

The LO unaware of it all plays all the day with the remaining chickies, her toys, school kids, and of course me. Isnt it a bliss, to be able enjoy the moment as it comes like my daughter or any kid for that matter does. I undergo so many emotions during the day, carry them forward for a few minutes, few days, and few months or maybe few or several years at times, but kids nothing lasts beyond 5 minutes at the max. Why is it that we are born intelligent and lose it as we grow!!!!!!

... and as I type this there is this song that comes to my mind out of the blue...

Unchi neechi hai dagariya, patli hai mori kamariya, zara dheere chaloji, balam dheere chaloji... sung by Anaida, one of the songs I used to soo love in my college days... got to listen to it now and go to sleep... We had our hands and minds full today how about you??

Jan 21, 2010

Pilla Bobulu.. Nenu!!!

Nenu chaala rarega out and out telugu posts chestanu... antey mana oora naatu expressionki English aite kasta masking untundi ani ayyundocchu... like You ante meeru and nuvvu kooda, teesukunevaadini batti untadi, alaanti convenience kosam annamaata.

Nenu, naa "Ku" alias "Chichku" alias "Chitti Koona" alaa road emmata maa strollerlo walkki veltoo untey, maaku oka pillala gumpu aa gumpulo okalla deggara oka kodi pillala gumpu kanipinchay annamata. Akkada modalayyindi ee kadha. Manaki maamoolu sunakaanandam kaadu kada, so recchipoyi aa pillakayala deggara aa "pilla bobu" (maa ku bhashalo lendi) ni teesukuni istey, madam garu mast khush aipoyi kekalu gatra petti santosham prakatinchaaru. So, pillakay adagaale kaani kudirite edaine tecchi pettese manam ee rangu bobula veta modaletti. Chivaraakhariki ninna sampaadinchaam annamata.

Paina jarigina incident appudu naa "ku" age 4 months ippudu 9 months ani gurtunchukovali mari.

Maa pakkinti naani naa poru padaleka Gudlavalleru Santalo (adelendi pakka oorlo fair type annamaata) oka 5 bobulni tecchi icchadu.. ento rate kooda kaadu okkoti 2 rs/-, mottam kalipi 10 rs/- annamaata. Nenu avi tegaaney oka rangelo jungle dance chesi, aa tecchina pillakayki gunde neppi teppinchanu adi vere vishayam. Oka 10 rs/-to dorike aanandam naa ku ki inni rojulu dooram chesaaney ani kumilipoyi, malli terukuni appude freshga nidrapoyi lechina naa bangaaru Ku deggaraki teesukella annamata.

Ikkada ninchi modalayyay naa peeta kashtalu.. freshga lechina naa ku nenu edo tinadaaniki pettanu anukuni oka bobuni ettukuni kallalo kallu petti choosi notlo pettukoboyindi :((((.... waaaaa... kaadu naanna, neeku kaavalantey peddayaaka verey bobuni vandi pedataa kada idi aaduko antey vintundaa... vinadu :(.. elago kashtapadi adi tindi padartham kaadu tanakosam tecchina pet ani teliyacheppe paatiki naa taatalu digoccharu. Edo artham ayyi kaanatluga artham chesukuni taravata ninchi vaatini pattukuni mukku peeki, kaalu peeki naana gola.. nenu inka laabham ledu ani oka gampa tecchi andulo bobulni petti, water posi, avi tirugutuntey claps kotti, good job cheppi, mottam meeda avi kooda naa ku laage bujji babies ani naccha cheppey paatiki naaku rangu rangula stars..

Idantaa ayyinda, asalakkada modalayyindi choodandi naa paatlu.. bobu madamlu bujjivi kada biyyam tinalevu, so nenu biyyam grind chesi chinna nookalu tayaru chesa vaati mealki, taravata vaatiki water, inka bujji madamlo tini taagi oorukovu kada, vaati 1lu, 2lu :((, avi clean cheyyataniki oka mop. Poni ivanni naa Ku kosam kada ani aadutoo paadutoo chesesa.

Idantaa evening jarigindi, so avi aadi aadi alisipoyi padukune time.. vaatinki ekkada padukobettali anedi pedda problem, gampa kappi unchite, doggie tinocchu, gandu pilli tinocchu, pandikokku tinocchu, or even paamu kooda tinocchu ani bhayapettaru. Tecchi choostoo choostoo champalenu kada, vaatiki oka cardboard box with holes for air movement undelaaga home chesi daanni clotheslineki velaadadeesi andulo water and food petti veetini petta... hammayya, done anukuni padukunna..

Ivvala morning start cinema malli... kaakulu ettukeltayo, pilli/kukka/pandikokku/elaka/paamu palahaaram laaginchestaayo ani bhayam kada, vaatini oka chuttintlo petti food and water petti kaapala.. avemo bujji mundalu kada ting ani chinna kannam untey paaripoyi vacchi kich kich kich kich and illantaa tiragaa, nenu waammo waayyo ani vaatini tecchi malli roomlo petti vacchina placelo edaina addam pettaa... idandee ivvala nenu chesina ati mukhyamaina panulu... and avi chesina bathroom kaaryakramaalaki paadayyina floor antaa kadigi dettol kotti, malli bed siddam chese sariki dhaaaaaaaaaaaammm. :((...

emi chestaam, chesukunnodiki chesukunnanta mahadeva typelo.. naaku, Ku ki ee bobulaanandam anta avasaramantaara... vacchaaka emi chestaam, Ku ni ammaki maidki appacheppi nenu vaatini choosukuntunna.. evaraina kaavalantaaremo ani choostuntey evariki vaddu anta... aunlendi andaru naa anta sunakaanandam toti undaru kada... emi chestaam cheppandi adedo "taanu doora sanduledu kaani medakoka dolu" ani cheppinatlu undi naa paristiti...

kaani okati vaatini choosi naa Ku kotte claps and kerintala mundu ee ibbandulanni balaadoor anukondi :) and ilaage kanaka vaati venaka parigulu pedite nenu konchem ayina taggutaanu.

Wish them long, safe and happy life okay!!!!

Jan 20, 2010

This and That

There have been quite a few things happening around which I did not blog about. There were a few things which kind of crushed the heart, some which lifted my spirits, some which made me "veellu maararu", some I actually gave up on.

Telugu New Year 2010

I have this habit of checking the new year calender for the next new year's name. Each Telugu year has a name and it comes into force from Yugaadi day somewhere in March or April but when I get the new calender in Jan, I check it out. I personally did not like the name of this year "Virodhi" which to a layman like me means enemy. I am kind of superstitious about a few things. The fights among people, regional disputes everything, kind of reinforced that superstition, so was hoping if the new year would have hope-giving name.. nope to my dismay it is "Vikruthi" which means ugly :(((... So, I am kind of bracing myself for something really bad. I pray really hard that it is just my superstition and nothing else and everything is going to be just fine.

I was consciously avoiding writing and thinking about Haiti victims because it just scares me, the magnitude of death, the suddenness of it all. Death and destruction everywhere. The pain and sorrow that single moment leaves behind for the survivors. Just brings forth the reality of life, it is just a bubble ready to burst any moment isnt it. A catastrophe of this magnitude kind of jolts you awake from the worldly life and think about the supreme with reverence and fear.

Those people just like us were filled with all the emotions, had a lot of hopes, lot of aspirations, and everything is now a thing of past and what is left behind is strewn bodies and body parts. So why is it that even knowing fully well that nothing lasts that we tend to say I, me, mine???

Jyothi Basu
I do not know anything about him in person, meaning I havent really focused on WB politics, communism really ever other than just a glimpse here and there. I knew him as the longest serving CM, more than 20 years, he was Marxist in his political views, he kind of ruled the state with an iron thumb or something like that. There were a few of my friends who are Bengali who used to say not so good things about his rule, dont actually remember anything in particular as of now but just one thing, for a person to continue to stay as a CM in this competitive sphere is really amazing and he really had something, what it is, I am actually unsure. One really really nice thing though is donating is body for medical learning purposes which could be taken as an example. I personally want to do the same and once I am free from the routine 24/7 care of the kiddo, it would be the first thing to do. I am not sure of his life, so cant really comment on it but in his death he set an example.

KCR and Family
why is he still allowed to make those comments.. I heard him saying talalu narukkuntam.. what the hell, why is he not arrested sumoto still??? His daughter, against Adurs and all. Let me remind these guys that there are hell a lot of things to bother about once Telangana is given.. like development strategy, goals, targets etc.. why not focus on them rather than passing utterly silly senseless comments.

Student Suicides
Sadly, the media-done damage is so high already that I refuse to believe that T state is the cause of death of those 2 students. Had T issue not been there, they would have been blamed on love or education system or home stressors or whatever. With high rate of lies at the time of YS death, I am sorry to say that it is difficult to believe even if it is true. While I am sad at such tender youthful life being wasted, I refuse to believe they have anything to do with current political scenario.

The grahanam/eclipse picture which I took with my chest x-ray on top of the lens

It is the first time I have witnessed an eclipse with naked eyes and actually managed to shoot it for a while when the sun wasnt covered by clouds and even managed to click a pic. It was good to see that. They say it comes once in 1000 years, so must say I watched something which no one alive today would be able to watch... yay!!!

I have decided to take work seriously from now on, so finished my work and also to take my blog seriously, so finished it too.. and hoping to continue the same every day.. let us see!!!

Educational Reforms and Kapil Sibal
Looking forward to some sort of reforms in educational system personally.. dont know what this guy is up to, but really really watching out for something to lessen the burden and teaching the kids something worthwhile rather than the good old rote method which neither prepares the kid for job nor the life ahead.

Erich Segal
The creator of Love Story is no more. I have thoroughly enjoyed all his works and he would remain in my memories forever with such sensible portrayal of characters. RIP.

Jan 19, 2010

Same day, same place a year ago and now....

Beginning from scratch in a place which was left unoccupied for about a year and then bring life to it with so many blooms. Looking at them makes me feel good, makes me realize that it is in our hands to make whatever we want of life, either we make it a desert or a garden with whole lot of color and each and every moment. That green patch after a year or so of my careful monitoring teaches me the essence of life. Looking back there is so much to learn from each and everything isnt it..

It has exactly been a year since I have come to this place which is now home for me and LO. I no longer have my grandparents. This house I am currently residing is in a dispute of sorts and is left like that unoccupied by any one and so it is my home for as long as I want to be here. This place means everything to me. This place gave me that security of a home when I was a kid, it still gives the same to my kid. It is one place where I could feel safe. One place where I could get all the unconditional love and kind of still get that even now.

Exactly a year ago I was stuck at that phase in life where nothing seemed right, nothing seemed safe, nothing at all seemed to be going the way I wanted it be. I was at my vulnerable best and I just wanted some place to bring my baby out into this world. It was only my brother who stood by me and together we were up against what seemed to be the whole world at that time. There were so many things to be considered, the safety, the support system, the financial aspect, and most importantly healthcare for me and the baby.

If I would sit up thinking about the most weakest, worst, vulnerable, hopeless, helpless phases in life, that was it. Never before and never again and something which I wouldnt wish on worst of the enemies. It needed and took every bit of what I had, the patience, the energy, the anger, the courage, the love, the hatred, and at the end of it all I am drained out of all emotions except for a love for life with the LO in it.

The brinjals from the home garden, the parrot feathers from under the roof, the grasshopers running around, the bananas on the trees, everything speaks of life, speaks out what careful nursing and spending a little time could do to our surroundings and fills everything within and around me with peace and calm that hadnt existed a year ago.

So, what have I learned this past year

... there are more people than I know who really care about me.
... there are a lot of things which matter than the past.
... living life each moment has its own kick.
...taking life as it comes eliminates half of the concerns. takes unshakeable grit and determination to be what you are.
... no point trying to people see what you feel/do, DO what you want to and things/people will fall into place automatically. If you sit about convincing and then going about, nothing.. just nothing would happen.

What do I want to do by next year
... a home which I can call my own.
... financially a lot more stable than I am right now.
... settle well in a routine and career.
and most of all... be happy and bring up a happy kid.

like they say, Love Makes Life Beautiful.

Jan 18, 2010

Sankranthi Sandadi

Gangireddu Aata.

There are so many things that I like about being in a village and one among them is celebrations in an authentic way. This year, recession has affected the villagers as well and there was a cut-off in so many activities as they were all busy in the fields for oodupulu. It was sad to note no Haridaasulu or Pittala Doralu this year. We had very few festivities and the reason behind is the point of another post.

We started our festivities with Gangireddu melam, a guy with ox decked up which performs various acts. By the way, that is LO on the ox-back trying to lick, suck, pluck, bite and all.

Then came the "edla pandem" of ongolu edlu. The oxen race or whatever it is in English. The kid enjoyed it to the core. The race, the crowd, the whistles, the shouts and everything... hehehe she is my daughter after all ;).

Edla Pandem

The race we went to was of "melu jaati ongolu edlu" trying to race pulling a heavy stone. I did feel really towards the end of racing when the men in the track hit the ox to make it move faster. A few of them just hit the hunter in the air but a few actually hit :((( which was really really sad.. and could not continue beyond watching 2 sets.

I really wonder what the guy is doing in the air.. any idea???

By the way there was a live coverage and also some TV coverage which covered the LO for a close up shot and kept zooming in and out and all the neighbors and relatives kept calling me to watch the kiddo on TV. In this part of world, it IS still a big thing to be on TV.

LO throwing a log with Harsha Baabi :).

The Bhogi day started off with Bhogi mantalu, lighting up a bonfire in the early hours in the back yard. My maama's kids were here and the gang of three whenever we meet have a blast and Kiddo's happiness knows no bounds 'cos she has 2 more willing slaves at her service to protect her from the military strict mom (me ;)).

The muggulu on the road.. the geometric perfection and all that, isnt it really amazing.. and before you jump to any conclusion, I am not the one who put that muggu okay.. it is my aunt.

How about this one.. the gobbemmalu are missing because I could not personally find any cowdung and in anticipation of bhogi pallu the next morning, could not sleep well and had no patience or strength to go with the rangoli, color, gobbemmalu routine.. so, gave it a skip.

This is the venue of her Bhogi pallu in her new swing. The deco behind is a small and new kind of bommala koluvu with all her toys from day 1.

I leave you with a picture of regipallu, baby's breath, flower petals, akshintalu, chamkilu, chillara dabbulu, in short Bhogi Pallu for the LO.

Me and the kiddo had a blast, how about you...????

Wait a minute... how can Sankranthi be complete without the mention of Ariselu... yes, yes, yes, we had a lot of them and many more varieties.. All in all, the first Sankranthi of the kiddo reminded me of the days with my granny and like I say living each moment with the kid makes me feel like a kid all over again.

Jan 17, 2010

Dear Daughter - 9

Dearest LO:

Even I am getting tired of the cliche "time flies" or maybe it is not a cliche but a brutally honest fact. I am a little late... oops, a little too late in posting this letter to you. I am not sorry because all this while I was enjoying with you rather than writing about you, which is the way it has to be isnt it?.

The miracle called "you" started way back in July and that tiny sperm and egg combo grew up by leaps and bounds to make you. It is really amazing how life takes its form. It takes two to create a unique individual who is like neither of us and is totally different. Genes might play a role of their own but it is YOU and only YOU that I see in you and would like to see in you. My body underwent innumerable changes with you in it and so did the mind, but when I see the end product nothing really matters. Even for a person like me who likes a control over life rather than life taking control over me, everything was different. All the prep I did to feel/say/think when I see you first just did not happen. What happened was a miracle, a spontaneous rush of love of proportions unmeasurable like an erupted volcano or something.. ayyo, why do i even try to bother to capture what it felt or I feel at times from time to time.

Nine in the belly, nine outside and what do I have my cute little bundle of joy who is not so little any more.

So, what have we done this past month... loads of good and slightly bad/mad stuff. The first clean shave or puttu ventrukalu were offered to Lord Venkateswara and people said you looked cuter with the clean shave than with the hair :). I love you anyways, so I dont see any difference. But had fun singing "toli naati gundu, nuna nunnanundu-- marunaati nundi molakettuchundu." I know, by the time you can read and make sense out of sentences, you would be ready to eat me raw for doing that to you :)), but you know what.. I love teasing you.

Milestones wise, you have mastered the art of sitting up and also climbing up using me for support. Your vocabulary increased, you play a lot, you throw tantrums, you recognize people, you play peekaboo, you love playing with kids, you had a clean shave and you have some sprouts already ;). Well, should say nothing much, you spent the month mastering what you learned last month.

Teething woes... aaawww... dont even tell me about them, you seem to be having all teething symptoms but nothings seems to erupt and on that note, I just cant stop wishing why not kids wake up with a set of milk teeth one fine morning rather than struggling with each eruption. Cool na.. I know, I am crazy but what is wrong, when wishing why wish for less... sapney toh atleast bindaas hokar dekh sakte hai right :).

My heart almost dropped to my knees the first time I saw you go after a cigarette packet your taatee carries in his pocket and further down when you managed to tear it apart and pull out a cigarette out and actually manage to put it in the mouth :(((.. well, you would ask me why send me or put me in the vicinity of things that you wouldnt want me to do, plain and simple kiddo, I have no control over what other people carry in their pockets. I tried to stop you but you are adamant to play with it, so now I allow it because I am sure you will grow tired of it just like you do with rest of your new games and if I were to stop you hard from doing anything you would only want to do it more... and yes, it is working :), you still try to pull it out but dont as much fervently as earlier.

Any person who wants to think of me a bad/mad mother is welcome. Everyone is entitled for that freedom of thought at least right.

You are a sweet individual and I would love to believe that you would remain the same throughout. I consider myself blessed to have you in my life. For a person who likes all things in life to be plain and simple, even the worst of the complexities seem simple with that smile of yours. Each time I am faced with something really complex, I see you at the other end and your smile sees me through and everything kind of seems very simple and I sail through to the other end actually with a smile on my face. Nothing seems impossible and all the tasks tend to say "I'm-Possible".

One major change is I am back to work, technically full-time but actually only an hour or so everyday, so not really working but actually am. How did it affect you???? it has cut down some of our "US/WE time" but then that is the way it is and you spend that time socializing which I think is not a bad idea either (what to do, need some excuse to get back to work, even if it is the lamest of lame ones).

The one look that you give me after a tiring day, the way you want to rush to me the moment you lay your eyes on me is really really touching. I feel so wanted and loved and will I ever be able to match your so unadulterated, unconditional, pure love. Your eyes dance with happiness, your voice has a squeal to it, you are very much determined to catch hold of me even for a little while...awww... what is it that I did to deserve so much of affection.

Those "hai mein mar jaao" moments and the smile that kind of gives life to an actually dead me is something to actually die for but I actually want to live for them.

Did I say I love you or need I say that??


Jan 15, 2010

Dil Hai Chotaasa.. chotisi aasha..

Thanks Neelima for making my day with your comment. I really really loved your mom's funda...
Life begins when you decide to live.

It really really does, it is amazing how short sentences capture the essence of a big lesson. I kind of realized it a while ago and it is good to see so well put.

I feel that need to live the life each moment, it kind of suffocates me to follow the good old routine for the sake of family, friends, neighbors, and the so-called society. No one bothers to feed me a morsel when hungry, provide a shelter when I am homeless, give me a paisa when I am cash-less, so why?? why do I have to listen to anyone and let someone else live it for me.

It is simply amazing how little things cheer us up and get our batteries recharged for the tough grind ahead. I had been to a movie today.. Adurs. Do I like it.. YES, YESS, YESSS. Did I say already that I love that kid Jr. NTR. Buddodu iragadeesadu dances. It was good. Out and Out mass entertainer, very filmy film.. no story, no message, no extreme gory violence, no cheap vulgar dialogues, no unnecessary flesh show by ladies, I must say "aal iz wel" with this movie. Loved the kid, his dances, his fights, his dialogues, his mannerisms, everything. Good luck and God bless!!!

More than the movie, I guess the memories it brought back that meant more to me. It is heaven when you watch movie with close ones, no one to stop and ask you to be decent, no one to give you those you-know-you-are-mad looks. You can shout, yell, laugh out loud, boo, and even break into a jig if you like to. I went with my cousins, maid, mama, and atta.. made sure did not sit next to mama ;).. he would have said nothing too but you know I just dont feel comfortable shouting next to him :))))). Left the LO at home with my mom and enjoyed it to the core, threw glitters, screamed, and almost fell on to the floor laughing hard without any inhibitions.

eepaatiki artham ayyi undaali kada.. ledante cheppestunna
... manam neatga kanipinche naatu candidates
... edo kaasto koosto classga kanipinche oora mass gaallam annamata ;).

Would I do the same without my family next to me.. no never, it is just the security of that cocoon that made that real me come out.

Will I do it ever again, maybe yes, but mostly no.. it was just the group that went, the group that was in the few rows surrounding ours, it was basically the spur of the moment stuff...

To sum it up.. I have decided to LIVE TODAY and EVERY DAY of my life. I understand I am a mature, decent, respectable individual and most of all a mom who has to be an example for my daughter but still there are some very very personal moments for simple and pure personal pleasure and it is one of those.

Jan 14, 2010

This IS life...

Yay... I received my first paycheck after the break. My new job is such that I need to work for 3 consecutive days to get into the payrolls but with the LO or me or both of us getting sick together and individually or my system troubles and if everything is really cool, the good old BSNL trouble, work never really seemed to take off... and it took me 3 months to do 3 consecutive days (I KNOW I WAS NOT REALLY TRYING). I was fooling myself that I wanted to work all the while but heart wasnt really there, it was with my daughter. So, my pay cycle would only start after I finish 3 days and from 4th days onwards. I hardly worked for a hour or so for about 3 to 4 days at the max. I never really tried.

My pay depends on the number of lines that I proofread as a Medical Transcriptionist and on top of it, I am freelancing so you can get the picture... no fixed pay structure, it was a dynamic pay.. I started my career in 1998 with first pay of 1500/- INR and gradually climbed up the pay ladder. I worked in US for a while and earned in dollars, though not too much but still was good enough. I used to value every single penny as it was hard-earned, I am not a penny-pincher but I do like to believe that my money is spent wisely and nobly. I felt good to see my pay, it gave me pleasure, it gave me the confidence, it gave the security, it gave me my family respect, it gave me a lot many things which only money can give.

But never did I have tears rolling down my eyes and heart dancing out of joy. I hardly worked for a week and I wasnt expecting my pay at all as I had not really worked but I see a mail that my pay is credited to the bank, I am like oh my GOD, this is heaven, this cant be true!!!!... it is not much, actually just 1187.40/ INR. It is less than the money I need to shell out to take my doctor to hospital by car, it is less than what my maid/domestic help earns for the month, it is actually nothing by today's cost of living but it did give me the joy, I never before experienced. It is like a dying thirsty man getting a drop of water in a desert. It is difficult to put in words. It is good to see that after all, you are not broken despite of what has happened and is happening to you and around you.

When we feel totally down and out, life has a way to cheer us up, make us want to go back with the same jest we had earlier and maybe even more. When everything seems to be in shambles and future seems to be bleak, we tend to say why me??? but there was a moment yesterday which made me feel why me... but in a very very positive way.

Turbulent times, some might say they are my self-created ones, so let it be. Those who don't understand my words can never understand my silence and seriously I have bothered myself enough giving explanations, so from now on, it is only my daughter that I have do the explanation and myself!!!

My life has always been a mix and match of highs and lows right since birth... on cloud 9 when parents were happy and under deep blue sea when they fought, oh boy!! was it fighting?? I digress... So, it was like we had everything yet we craved for something (me and bro), we have seen riches, we had been to rags, there were times when we were treated as royalty and there were also times when we used to wait to go to granny's place to feed our growling tummies when their fights took the worst turns. Money or no-money life went on. But I do realize and know very well that money is the root of everything and without it we can survive but a few people wont even consider human beings. It is in fact, after I started work and started earning that there was any semblance or any control over the situation. I had started work way back in 1999, still an undergraduate but grateful to have a job, happy to do something I loved to do, happy to be away from all the distractions at home.

Job to me was everything or for that matter, for any individual, a skill-set to see you through tough times is what we should be equipping our kids with not the material things. Leaving it at the time of marriage meant a great deal which no one will understand, it was like throwing everything down the drain. After that I had tried working off and on but nothing really worked, I was too content to work, enjoying the domestic bliss for a while, then I was thrown into a situation where work just seemed to be evading me due to my severe ear issues :(.

When a heart breaks, there is an explosion which is way above any human's hearing/listening capacity. Even when try to make them understand no one will 'cos they never really heard anything, the intensity fails to sink in through. It kind of creates a vacuum in life and the in between time is like stretching for ever and ever and ever. To rebuild life from scratch is very very tough but not impossible. Building it once for the first time, everyone appreciates it and most of them help us out. When rebuilding it, everyone is hell-bent on trying to figure out why the need and point the fingers, actually poke the fingers... The circumstances are such that every single person around me has a 101 suggestions to offer and leave alone encourage there are people who can just pull the carpet from right under the feet (sad they are the close ones). It is like each step I take forward is after a hundred or more severe blows from top to toe, it hurts like hell but maybe that is just momentary as well like everything else.

I had to get back to work, but taking care of LO alone seemed to be scary, it still IS.. I love her soooooo much with all I have and all that I dont have too.

The happiness, the gratitude, the relief, the sense of security, everything seems to be returning back, gradually but surely, a tiny baby step and I am confident it will eventually go back to where it began and peaked.

It is really really really surprising, my response to the pay check.. people might call me mad, but you need TO BE ME to understand what it really means, not in terms of monetary value but in terms of perking up the sagging spirits.

I am happy, I really am after a long long time. It is easy to walk before you fall, it is only after you fall and have an injury that you appreciate walking all the more. I have known it by experience.

Wish me good luck, loads of it, I need it all to keep my daughter happy. For the moment, it is all about her isnt it!!!

Jan 9, 2010

I wanna grow up once again...

Loved this one sooooooooooooo very much, so this is the song that is going to be on my lips for a while before something else takes over :)........

So, on a happy note, I thank God for letting me the opportunity to grow up once again with my daughter.... mmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah God... Luv ya loads.

Movie: Three Idiots

Saari umr hum mar markey jeeliye
Ek pal to ab humein jeenedo jeene do -2-


Give me some sunshine
Give me some rain
Give me another chance
I wanna grow up once again --2--

Kandhon ko kitabonke bojh ne jhukaya
Rishvat dena to khud paapa ne sikhya
99% marks laoge to ghadi... varna chhadi

Likh likh kar padaa hatheli par alpha beta gamma ka chaala
Concentrated H2so4 ne poora poora bachpan jalaadaala

Bachpan to gaya, jawani bhi gayi
Ek pal to ab hamein jeene do jeenedo --2--


and yes... Three Idiots Rock!!!! says who....

of-course, the fourth ;)... but for the yucky delivery scene (unreal, unpleasant) the movie is one of the most entertaining ones I have seen in the recent past.

Chetan Bhagat's controversy... I just wish he had given some serious thought on being firm and clear about putting his name in the credits prominently and to get it on paper. Okay CB, so what if it is a blink and miss credit on the rolls.. those who read the book know what it is loosely based on and dont worry we will pass it on!!!! and actually to be fair, other than the above-mentioned scene I think this is the first time I would say a movie beats the book it is based on... and Aamir, time and again there is a controversy inspite of your best work that shines through, actually all the three did a great job... and Mr. Irani is at his hamming best trying to relive his Munnabhai days :(.

Is it the best released in 2009, nope.. I would personally say, PA and Small B steal the show :).

Jan 8, 2010


I have been wondering of late as to what is happening to media and when i look back my blog almost looks like a tirade against them.

So, there has been a discussion or something telecast which pointed Reliance Mukesh Ambani to be the culprit behind YS's accidental death and all that.. His death has been controversial from day one with so many questions..

why did he start in bad weather.
why was an outdated, in-need-of repair chopper sent.
why was there a delay figuring out what happened to missing chopper.
why was there a delay in announcing the eventuality which almost a kid on the street knew.
why was there a leak-up now and then that something was really wrong.

Why were the suicides reported or why were fake suicides reported... why has no channel dared to report what the truth was.

I absolutely refuse to believe there were so many deaths following YS's death ranging into 100s, then why the hell did no channel bother to reveal the secret behind so many claims?? In this mechanical world, even if a person's very own child dies in front of one's eyes they still live on to lead the life. It is very very rarely that they die along with the child, so I absolutely refuse to believe that there were so many people dying just because a CM died that too by accident. Agreed, he has done a lot, given house, given free current, etc. but is that all they need for life.. nope. Almost everyone of us know the facts and figures are completely different but no one dares to open their mouth. It takes some national newspaper to come out with truth. Sad and unfortunate, no one dares to open their mouth.

There are so many things happening around which a common man knows, but no channel dares to expose it.. So why this sudden discussion based on something in a Russian website or whatever the hell it? Why is it that helpless and hopeless people are targeted. I dont really mean to say Ambani is helpless in anyway or ND Tiwari is for that matter but why are so many big fish still not caught????

For Ambanis it is just a few shops or outlets that are damaged, but for the employees and for the people involved in it.. what is it? why do they play with people's emotions.

and the journos arrested in relation to this and other people's outcry is hilarious... will they be saying the same if it were to be their houses which are looted and burned.. I dont really think so...

If we are taking about freedom of press, freedom of expression, then I would say that freedom is limited to truth, they are welcome to go to any extent for the sake of truth, for the sake of exposing the truth, for the sake of reporting the news and absolutely not for creating the news.

Thank heavens the damage is only to the property, if the same kind of reporting continues and some lives had been claimed who would take the responsibility.

Okay, it is wrong on part of TV-5 to be provocative, but isnt that is done by almost all of them.. and what about Sakshi which opens points CBN and Ramoji to be the hands behind YS' death... so, does that imply that people are now supposed to divert their anger on individuals.. where is all this leading to??????

Jan 7, 2010


rubbina gorintaaku.. arachetilo chandamama and chukkalu.. amma gnapakaalu

Thanks to my daughter, I am reliving all my childhood days.. if not for her, I would never have stayed here to have a relaxed life. I wake up relaxed, no need to rush anywhere, I dont have to really rush about anything... we have a huge backyard and when done with the morning chores me and kiddo sit next to the road and watch the buffaloes, sheep, goat, people, buses, cars, cycles, bikes going by, enjoying the lazy life...

aaku kadigesina ventane kobbari noone raasina cheyyi..

The smell of the freshly ground gorintaaku, the feel of it on the hand simply reminds me of my grandmother. She used to take all the pains to do it with pestle and mortar, put the same old design on both hands and feet (boot design). I dont have the patience to do it by hand, I grind it in the mixer and use it... not just me, even my daughter has to go through this grind of mehendi once in a while once the old design fades. It is not as beautiful as the cone design but to me it is the best, it reminds me of my granny, it reminds me of what all my childhood was, it reminds me of the only peaceful days that we had as kids. It reminds me of all things beautiful and perhaps the only things worth remembering in my past life.

yummy, yummy

and guess what.. the one in the above pic is..... peechu mithai, the one that i bought from the vendor on the bicycle who gives this sweet in return for plastic/iron/tin things. Believe me the taste is amazing nothing can beat it, not even the Pulla Reddy SonPaapdi... yummy... I guess the germs add to the taste ;)...

and after a long time, I watched a movie on the TV, Matilda, a kids' movie which was really nice and it felt like I am back to my old self. Nothing has changed after all and as they say time is the best healer.. it just has become all the more beautiful with the kiddo in it and if there is a doubt whether the kiddo gets to taste what all I eat.. yeah, of course... I know, those looks, but that is the way we are, mom and daughter, and maybe another me in the making but I just wish her life is a bed of roses and the thorns underneath them just come in my way.

Jan 6, 2010

Aaye Ho Mere Zindagi Mein...

The song on my lips these days is this....

Ennenno varnaalu, evevo andaalu... it is a blessing to be admidtst of nature... It has been really really long since I actually did what I wanted to.. back in Hyderabad, lack of space when a kid, lack of money when there was space and when there was money there was no time.. hota hai hota hai.. so, in the name of my kid, I am enjoying it all..... enough for a lifetime..

Chaamanti moggalu

There was a time when I used to mourn about the forgotten song and with my daughter, music has slowly come back into my life and yes, there is a whole lot of color... I just cant seem to stop smiling when I see her and yes, this is the point in life where I can say "hai mein marjaaoon" at each adaa of my jaaneman.. jaanebahaar, gulegulzaar... (paithyam baaga prakopinchindi kada ;)).

chilakamukku poolu

There are so many things we do together, so many mother-daughter moments but the most I like is the way we plant the flower beds. I am actually quite senti about LO doing anything, so it was really really heartening to see the tiny little plants, seeds we planted turn into full blooming flower plants. All these were planted by her... err.. dug and erected by me and buddu and final mud throwing ceremony and watering ceremony by LO... she enjoys those mud sessions, but she is yet to enjoy the flowers.. for her, at this moment they are something which have to be plucked, licked, and finally eaten.... So, it is a tough task to keep her from doing that otherwise, we both enjoy them from distance...

Ayeho meri zindagi mein tum bahaar banke
Mere dil me yuhi rehna.. hai..
mere dil me yuhi rehna tum pyar pyar banke.

Ankhon mein tum baseho.. sapne hazaar banke
mere dil mein yuhi rehna... haye..
Mere dil me yuhi rehna.. hai..
mere dil me yuhi rehna tum pyar pyar banke.

Tella Chaamanti
This is one of the songs that I really really like from Raja Hindustani, such a beautiful rendition.. just simply fell in love with it the first time I heard it.. and that is what I feel each time I see the kiddo smiling.. touchwood, touchwood, touchwood.

Bangaala Banthi
Manka nagar tha khaali.. sookhi padithi daali
holi ke rang pheeke benoorthi diwali
rimjhim baras padeho tumto puhaar banke... yes my LO you did... mmuaah!!!

It is amazing how the cheapest of things give you that deep sense of pleasure and satisfaction.. me and LO enjoy the paper mill so much when it moves with air.. it costs less but the joy it gives us is priceless... it is because of these sweet simple affordable pleasures that life becomes more beautiful and LO's smile along with these wonderful gifts of nature that recharges my tired soul and gives an energy to move forward.

Our little Windmill.. actually, the windmills of God... :).

When there is so much beauty around us and within us why is it that the human mind just gets stuck at the evil and mean mentalities, why doesnt it break-free of the shackles and enjoy itself every single moment.... the babies are really blessed to live each moment by the moment and for the moment... thanks LO for teaching me to LIVE again.

Jan 3, 2010

Touched... Thank You All...

New Year Cards For LO

Well, I mentioned in the post below that I dont give much importance to New Years in particular... just acknowledge the wishes at the max has been the routine.. I have even stopped wishing people, I know I am getting wierder if that is possible..but what touched me most was the number of cards, chocolates and biscuits LO got... I am really touched with the kids' feelings..

I have to mention a lot about how I bring up my kid before I tell you the importance of the school kids (govt. school 1 to 5 classes) which is also called "dumpala badi" in the colloquial language. Yes, I had been to that very school in my childhood.. I remember very vaguely going to the school and our bag filled with rice :) along with other students and now my kid goes there.. I know she is just 8 months old for God's sake. It is just that she goes to the school but not in side. The school is just in front of my grandparents house and we both, me and LO, sit next to the road on a mat with all our toys and play with the kids in their recess bell and lunch bell :).

The Love, the care, the joy, the concern... kids have it all

I know I do get those looks from those who are very particular about cleanliness, no dust, no germs rule for the infants. But I do believe germs are good if they serve the bigger purpose of bringing a smile on someone's face. It is really really heart-warming to see the kids play with her and her toys and she play with them.. the way her eyes light up and she lets out a shriek of happiness more than makes up for the germ content whatsover, so I let her be.
Gifting goody boxes on Independence Day

So, I am really proud to say that my daughter has this huge fan following among the kids, they play together, eat together (they have their midday meal and LO has her meal with them, though it is homecooked), and are happy with each other and I absolutely dont care what anyone has to say about the way she mingles with them all.

Meal Time Fun..

Whenever there is any little milestone to be celebrated, be it her rolling over, walking, gundu or Independence day, Christmas, New Year or whatever it is with them we share our happiness.

It really came as a surprise when all the kids got her and me tiny little greeting cards with a chocolate and when I said LO doesnt eat chocolates they went back to bring in biscuits.. wow... priceless gifts to start our New Year.. I just wish she is as people-friendly as she is now and share whatever she has with the underprivileged or those who are not as blessed as she is.

Love you kids.. God Bless You and May You All Go Way Ahead In Your Lives... and Thank You God for being able to bring my kid up the way I am doing right now, away from the concrete jungle, amidst of innocence and loads and loads of love... TOUCH WOOD..

And thank you all those who called me up and sent me cards, I am really sorry to have missed all your calls on mobile, it is just that I hardly use it these days because of fear of radiation to the kiddo.. I AM CRAZY AFTERALL... so Wish You All The Very Best in Twenty-Ten.

Jan 2, 2010

Simple pleasures...

New Year to me is just another day, never a big deal other than exchanging cards.. almost always tensed up about how the new year would be, never a big celebration.. not even after married, it is just another day with the exception of the last 2 digits which have remained the same over the last 365 days changing... with the exception of a couple of years which all of us "Aptech Girls" had fun at Bindu's place.. but then again, it was fun because we were all together, not because of new year..

I know, I am like that.. what to do :).

The beginning of this year is a bit shaky with me and LO falling sick one after the other and on the way to recuperation. We invited the new year with Rangoli, the very first on my own alone though I had done a few back in US, but this was out and out traditional rangoli done with muggu, kallaapu and all that.

It was basically a combined effort of me, Padma Aunty (neighbor) and buddu my sweet little helper to whom I will be indebted forever for taking such a great care of my kid.. and of course not to leave behind the little kids who despite of requesting not to piped in to help throwing colors all over... It was fun, it was different, reminded me of good old days when my grandmother used to do the rangoli and we used to sit around watching in awe, the dots taking amazingly beautiful forms. It was a good break from routine, it was nice to be in cold air, close to sand, mud, muggu and all.

The one above, chilakala muggu is done by my mom on popular demand, did I tell you, she does the best rangoli if she puts her mind to it though she hardly does that.

The outcome was good, the happiness on the faces of the kids was priceless and by the end of it all my old creaky body was cramping all over :).

The finished products

The top one is done by buddu and colored by me, the next one done and colored by Padma Aunty, the first one on the bottom and the one in the center are done and colored by me and the last one done by Padma aunty.

Actually, this was done by me because of Rads, I had been tagged earlier in this blog by her which can be seen HERE which actually made me sit down and do this and relive those moments... so Rads this rangoli below is for you..

and finally, I loved it all the more when LO just loved this one and refused to play anywhere but here... mmuuuaaaahhh my doll... Wish you a happy new year and loads of happiness.

Wishing all of you all a very happy new year...

For Evil Eyes on LO