There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Jan 24, 2010

Anger, the pain that comes with it

There are three things which are immensely pleasing to to the Lord:

1. A tongue that never indulges in falsehood.
2. A body that is not tainted by causing harm to others.
3. A mind that is free from attachment and hatred.

These three constitute the Triple Purity.. trikarana suddhi in other terms..

I guess not just straying away from truth but also just refraining from saying anything about anyone you really dont want to think about should be learned. People call me mad for shutting out some otherwise unavoidable people in my life, but I guess rather than boiling within and harboring ill will with a whiplash tongue, why not spare myself and the other individual/s the pain/anger.

I had come to a near point of self-destruction at one point giving importance to undue sources so much so that I lost my unborn baby. It can also be possible that I would have lost her anyways (just 5 weeks from conception) but there was so much frustration within myself, so much anger on myself for letting things go out of hands, so much of helplessness, self-hatred, loss of self-confidence by constant criticism and the feelings which were hurt for a long time but just suppressed in a hope that some day I would be understood. I should have done what I did now a long time ago, moving out silently sparing myself the self violence. I could see the extent of damage I was capable of doing to myself, how I could bring the worst in myself, how I could succumb to ill-intentions of some people, how I could just burst out.

I just did not want to bring another soul into so much of a filth surrounding me and within me. I refuse to believe though that all was in my mind and there was no trigger. I dont want to think about anything. I actually wanted it at some point in a mad rage. The hormones and my grandfather's death did not help either. I was scared, shocked, with his death there was no place that I could really go to if things were as bad. I just wanted to escape but there was no place, so I just wanted a way out before I turn out to be the mad person I was being projected to be. Maybe that is the reason, God took her away from me... reminding me that a kid should not brought into such disturbed environment. Maybe that sinful thinking is what made me go through the hell that I had been through. That anger, the root cause of everything. My anger which a few people wanted to give the name of madness and still do is something that nearly destroyed me.

NOW, after the kid, after some severe setbacks I refuse to get angry on anything other than myself and gradually eliminate that too..

Like a friend of mine says and believes "Never stay at a place where your soul does not feel at home." I would say never, never again.

If it took so much from me to realize that some things are just very best left unthought and unfelt, what would it take to me to realize other facts of life.

Do I want to wipe out everything and start on a clean slate. No, I dont want to.. I want them to remain on the slate to remind me what not to do ever again and how to go about in future.

If some place/person(s)/thing/thought brings out the worst in you, that is JUST NOT FOR YOU.

1 comment:

syamd said...

I would agree! If you are not feeling something as your home... it is not your place.

I personally wouldn't live in a place where I don't want to live. After all home is a supposed to be sanctuary where in you live peacefully.

There is no point in making any silly 'sacrifice' for someone else. Once you start doing it, that will lead to other issues.

For Evil Eyes on LO