There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Jan 14, 2010

This IS life...

Yay... I received my first paycheck after the break. My new job is such that I need to work for 3 consecutive days to get into the payrolls but with the LO or me or both of us getting sick together and individually or my system troubles and if everything is really cool, the good old BSNL trouble, work never really seemed to take off... and it took me 3 months to do 3 consecutive days (I KNOW I WAS NOT REALLY TRYING). I was fooling myself that I wanted to work all the while but heart wasnt really there, it was with my daughter. So, my pay cycle would only start after I finish 3 days and from 4th days onwards. I hardly worked for a hour or so for about 3 to 4 days at the max. I never really tried.

My pay depends on the number of lines that I proofread as a Medical Transcriptionist and on top of it, I am freelancing so you can get the picture... no fixed pay structure, it was a dynamic pay.. I started my career in 1998 with first pay of 1500/- INR and gradually climbed up the pay ladder. I worked in US for a while and earned in dollars, though not too much but still was good enough. I used to value every single penny as it was hard-earned, I am not a penny-pincher but I do like to believe that my money is spent wisely and nobly. I felt good to see my pay, it gave me pleasure, it gave me the confidence, it gave the security, it gave me my family respect, it gave me a lot many things which only money can give.

But never did I have tears rolling down my eyes and heart dancing out of joy. I hardly worked for a week and I wasnt expecting my pay at all as I had not really worked but I see a mail that my pay is credited to the bank, I am like oh my GOD, this is heaven, this cant be true!!!!... it is not much, actually just 1187.40/ INR. It is less than the money I need to shell out to take my doctor to hospital by car, it is less than what my maid/domestic help earns for the month, it is actually nothing by today's cost of living but it did give me the joy, I never before experienced. It is like a dying thirsty man getting a drop of water in a desert. It is difficult to put in words. It is good to see that after all, you are not broken despite of what has happened and is happening to you and around you.

When we feel totally down and out, life has a way to cheer us up, make us want to go back with the same jest we had earlier and maybe even more. When everything seems to be in shambles and future seems to be bleak, we tend to say why me??? but there was a moment yesterday which made me feel why me... but in a very very positive way.

Turbulent times, some might say they are my self-created ones, so let it be. Those who don't understand my words can never understand my silence and seriously I have bothered myself enough giving explanations, so from now on, it is only my daughter that I have do the explanation and myself!!!

My life has always been a mix and match of highs and lows right since birth... on cloud 9 when parents were happy and under deep blue sea when they fought, oh boy!! was it fighting?? I digress... So, it was like we had everything yet we craved for something (me and bro), we have seen riches, we had been to rags, there were times when we were treated as royalty and there were also times when we used to wait to go to granny's place to feed our growling tummies when their fights took the worst turns. Money or no-money life went on. But I do realize and know very well that money is the root of everything and without it we can survive but a few people wont even consider human beings. It is in fact, after I started work and started earning that there was any semblance or any control over the situation. I had started work way back in 1999, still an undergraduate but grateful to have a job, happy to do something I loved to do, happy to be away from all the distractions at home.

Job to me was everything or for that matter, for any individual, a skill-set to see you through tough times is what we should be equipping our kids with not the material things. Leaving it at the time of marriage meant a great deal which no one will understand, it was like throwing everything down the drain. After that I had tried working off and on but nothing really worked, I was too content to work, enjoying the domestic bliss for a while, then I was thrown into a situation where work just seemed to be evading me due to my severe ear issues :(.

When a heart breaks, there is an explosion which is way above any human's hearing/listening capacity. Even when try to make them understand no one will 'cos they never really heard anything, the intensity fails to sink in through. It kind of creates a vacuum in life and the in between time is like stretching for ever and ever and ever. To rebuild life from scratch is very very tough but not impossible. Building it once for the first time, everyone appreciates it and most of them help us out. When rebuilding it, everyone is hell-bent on trying to figure out why the need and point the fingers, actually poke the fingers... The circumstances are such that every single person around me has a 101 suggestions to offer and leave alone encourage there are people who can just pull the carpet from right under the feet (sad they are the close ones). It is like each step I take forward is after a hundred or more severe blows from top to toe, it hurts like hell but maybe that is just momentary as well like everything else.

I had to get back to work, but taking care of LO alone seemed to be scary, it still IS.. I love her soooooo much with all I have and all that I dont have too.

The happiness, the gratitude, the relief, the sense of security, everything seems to be returning back, gradually but surely, a tiny baby step and I am confident it will eventually go back to where it began and peaked.

It is really really really surprising, my response to the pay check.. people might call me mad, but you need TO BE ME to understand what it really means, not in terms of monetary value but in terms of perking up the sagging spirits.

I am happy, I really am after a long long time. It is easy to walk before you fall, it is only after you fall and have an injury that you appreciate walking all the more. I have known it by experience.

Wish me good luck, loads of it, I need it all to keep my daughter happy. For the moment, it is all about her isnt it!!!


Ramesh said...

Congratulations and all the best.

Happy Sankranti.

(Came here from rads kowthas)

Alapana said...

My mom starting life at scratch with two kids in toe after 16yrs of marital life.After tough and worst times she decided to be a single parent and she told me that time,"Life begins when you decide to live" And we decided to live.Today after about twenty yrs of her decision ppl applaud and appreciate but we don't forget what the same ppl used to say 20yrs back.And they are close family:)) (sad how it sounds) I can only say one thing to you, whatever were your reasons for taking up a lifestyle of what you have today, you are answerable only to yourself, your life and your daughter's life is your choice and just to let you know that there is some connection between both of us. The village you stay in today is where my mom grew up as a kid:) whenever i look at at least one photograph i just feel so nostalgic abt it all.
You are not mad at all in being excited about the pay check, you are just being a human:) its natural and all the very best in everything you do in life:) god bless you.

uvrao said...

Good luck all the way!

Sandhya said...


Wish you all the best and good luck with you future endeavors.

Just reminded of these old proverbs:

1. When the going gets tough, the tough get going
2. Winners never quit, quitters never win.

Good luck, again.


Kalpana said...

All The Best and You Will Win!!! :)

For Evil Eyes on LO