There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Feb 9, 2010

Dear Daughter - 10

Dearest LO:

Suddenly this morning, when I look at the calendar out of the blue I realize that you are officially 10 months old now, I mean the huge difference that just 1 day makes... yesterday you were 9 and today 10. Like I keep saying very often, I still feel you safely tucked in my tummy, safe and sound and there I see you in front of my eyes all grown up and blooming into a unique individual. Single digits were tiny, the first double digit makes me shudder as to how time is just slipping by.

The moment I realized that you were 10-m-o, I kind of broke into tears, seeing my little baby grow up so rapidly right in front of my eyes making me wonder where has each moment gone.. with all the firsts growing old too rapidly, I feel that raising panic inside me that you will lose all that baby innocence and charm too soon in this world and give in to its ways.

This month passed by with you trying to stand up, gums getting stronger with no sign of the pearly whites to pop up, trying on variety of foods, clothes, games and everything. The rounds that you do in your walker like a planet in its orbit with your bottom raised up like a duck is a sight to watch, soon you will be standing up, walking, and running on your own, no longer needing my prompting or support. Why does it always tug my heart so much to see you learn new things, on one side my heart swells with pride and on the other I don’t want it to happen so soon. I want you to enjoy your babydom a little longer. I want to enjoy this bliss of unawareness, the feelings of looking up at everyone with a smile on your face, that innocent acceptance, that vulnerability everything to remain with you a little longer. There is so much of life ahead to learn and grow, why don’t you take it a little slow.. but I know the very same me would be huffing and puffing and crying if you don’t do all these. Isn’t it so true that your amma is crazy… yes, darling she is, for you and about you.

You have always loved music and it is delightful to watch you have your own choices and in fact break into a jig at some tunes that you absolutely love and surprisingly sing along and coo along... muuaaaahhhhhh.... another "hai mar jaaon moment." The current playlist only has one song "Where is that????" the song from Adurs sung by Jr. NTR which is kind of in an endless loop. It is surprising to note how much you love it, you were burning hot with fever, with no strength at all, not even smiling the whole day taking the life out of me, but just came to life though weak and tired you were happy to hear it.. so my darling, there is yet another reason for me to love that kid Jr. NTR a lot more who made you smile in that painful feverish time of yours... I am glad I remembered to put it on.

You brought that music back in to my life, always with a song on my lips, a smile on my face and a hope in my heart.. this is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge difference from what I was a year or so ago, so dearest angel, the credit goes to you to bring life back to me.

You are a loved child, a blessed kid to have almost the entire village go mad for your smile, that one happy shriek you welcome them with and that one hoot that comes from your month which they say makes their day, happiness giver.. yes!!! That is what you are, aren’t all the babies the same?? Each kid is destined to be one and you my darling are my light of my life, the beat of my heart and the air in my breath but I am so very attached to you in a way but surprisingly enough I am tuned to do what is the best for you rather than what I think is best for you. There are certain aspects though which I still am way too adamant but darling that is for just now, when you realize what is what and what you want to do, you are free to do whatever. I love you but with a freedom and a life and ideas of your own.

I know I am selfish, and I am not doing anything what people say is "so-called" good for you and your future to grow up in certain place with certain people in your life because I do not want to do anything for your so-called good which I dont feel is good in any way, killing my own feelings in the process. I do not ever want to be in a position to say to you that "It is because of YOU I did that" I do not want to get into any negativity and blame it on you. It is too much for your tiny soul to know or understand it but I hope you do some time when you are a grown up like I am.

I have started work full-fledged and you seem to be cooperating well, so more than the quantity it is the quality that matters the most. We play, we do the roughhousing and we kind of have our own language and love display. It is very very relaxing and happy to be able to sleep next to you, looking at your angelic face devoid of any feeling other than love and happiness and at the max hunger, that very special me and you moment, you blissfully unaware of my feelings and content with my presence are drifting in a world of lovely dreams and me lying down next to you watching you and retiring to sleep thinking of how kind the life has been to me and you transferring me the much needed positive energy to sail through the life with you safely way above the deep blue sea underneath and hoping in vain if you can remain the same for ever and ever. Cant life come to a standstill at least for a while when I just have you and you and nothing but you on my mind.

Somehow the number 12 and the age 1 seemed to be distant all the while but with just 2 more months to go, I am yet to come to terms with the fact that the tiny egg that I had seen for the first time on the scanner is a baby now. The baby-shaped hole that you left in my heart before you came out of me is still intact and strangely enough you complete me even with that incompleteness… I know I am a senti fool but who cares like I say I am like that only…

Crazy for you,

1 comment:

sagarika said...

Hi sree. nice to come across your blog. like the posts you write about your daughter..and the song which ur daughter likes is gd ( m a telugu girl too :) ). keep writing.

For Evil Eyes on LO