This past few days have been of whirlwind type... so much happening yet so little of use... so much of unwanted stuff, so little of control. At some point it looked like life would come back to square one where it began around a couple of years ago... but it was just a fleeting though and after a quick re-grouping of thoughts and course of action, there is a lot of stability. If the balance tilts just a little after a calm for a while, it seems like a storm but in actuality there is nothing even remotely that can affect the status quo.
I had been doing a few things as a hope against hope of some good for the kid but honestly I dont want to be with that feeling of "DOING SOMETHING FOR THE KID."
So, what has happened
LO sick, me sick, mom sick, unwanted visitors, unwarranted intervention, unnecessary drama and eventually the much needed stability and clarity.
However, work takes a back seat because of lack of peace mind but there comes the strongest of strong resolutions in my life... NOTHING/NO ONE can break me.
Had been doing some reading, playing with kid, met a very good friend/colleague of mine who came by to visit the kiddo with loads of goodies and tons of love... yes, yes, yes... we both are starved for that extra care and pampering from close buddies, thanks K :).
This one poem by Ravindranath Tagore from Gitanjali kind of brought back to my state of mind at some point in time...
Let only that little be left of me whereby I may name thee my all.
Let only that little be left of my will whereby I may feel thee on every side, and come to thee in everything, and offer to thee my love every moment.
Let only that little be left of me whereby I may never hide thee.
Let only that little of my fetters be left whereby I am bound with thy will, and thy purpose is carried out in my life -- and that is the fetter of thy love.
This is what I understand from this verse, maybe I dont get it all, maybe it is not what the author actually meant, it might not be even close to that... but to me what I gather is...
It would have been enough if you had provided me the confidence/state of mind to say that you are the fruit of all my yearning and waiting in my life or maybe my lifetime earning. I would not have wanted anything else. It is enough to have you in my life. It should be you that I see all around me and within me. You do something to make that happen. The entire feelings of love are just for you and please let them be. Do not take them away from me with your harsh words/unthoughtful deeds. Let me not stray away from the sweetest feeling of you and me and just us. There is nothing more that I would want from you. Fill my heart with just your feelings, be my heartbeat and the lifeline. Give me a mind that races with you and your thoughts always. Let those chains that bond us together be there just like that, do not disturb them.. let me be in your service in your love and always with you in my thoughts... just bind me with your love.... there is nothing more I ask for.
They say love makes life beautiful, but I guess at times loving someone who doubts every single one of your motives would leave you drained and loveless after a point or maybe even heartless... , un-reciprocated feelings finally take their toll on an individual if the only thing one does is criticize, Criticize, CRITIcize, AND CRITICIZE...!!! So, in my experience if there is so much of negativity when one reaches out with a lot of love, there are two things that can happen, it either destroys the individual giving out the love or the feelings of love in that individual.