There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Apr 30, 2010

Question to Self!!

Do I go looking for trouble or trouble waits to come to me? I dont really understand but anyways, I refuse to give up.. it is just nothing related to me or family it is about the attitude of people around me or people in general.. the so-called society... but how far can we sit and reform... there is a lot of struggle in my mind, about my basic mindset about people, about caste system, about relationships, money and a lot more things.. was I right then? am I right now? or will I be right ever... more on the struggle after I sleep on it for tonight.

Apr 29, 2010

A Thousand Lies and a Single Truth

A thousand lies or a single truth.. what holds a relationship tight?

This phrase
"veyyi abbaddhaalu aadi ayina oka pelli cheyyali" is something which irks me no end. We are on groom hunt for our cousin and the one sentence each and every one of the middlemen in the process parrots is "veyyi*#%##$#@^&%#$." I really fail to understand the logic behind it. A thousand lies for a single wedding, what does that preach us.. you can lie left, right and center and get a couple married and spend the rest of the life living those lies? What kind of a foundation is that we are laying over there. If lying were to be a vital catalyst in setting about things on track, what can we expect. Where did this sentence take its origin from.

In this time and age where there are instant relationships and breakups as opposed to lifelong ones will this statement still hold good. There is a lot of individuality, less of dependence. This might have been good in the good old days of interdependence. The generation's transition from interdependence to independence shows its impact in all spheres of life including the institution of marriage.

Coming to me, do I want my relationship to be based on a lie, nope. No matter how much I say I am entering into the relationship without any expectations I still end up having the basic expectation that I would be considered a human being and taken care of. No matter how much we share before the wedding, it is only after living together with the feeling of together ever after that the feeling of taken for grantedness set in that the ugly facets rise their hood. Initially, I might be able to tolerate the fact that I am lied to BUT what after that? and where do we begin those lies and where do we put an end to them. When life offers us much more beyond staying in a marriage full of lies, does this statement still hold good? Is still getting the girl married with lies such a necessity when she can stand on her own feet and have a life of her own, does she still need to bow to the lies flown left right and center for seemingly even simplest of things.. ranging anywhere from my daughter cooks well, my daughter sings well, we will give this much, we wont ask anything, we this, we that...

First get married, then you can change him/her per your needs?? what the hell??????

Amidst of all these, I begin to think what keeps a couple together or for that matter any two individuals together.. trust, love, fear or need. Every single revolves around the 4 things which is the point of another post altogether.

When a couple decides to get married in today's scenario, they have high hopes, they do it a feeling that theirs should be the best relationship that people would envy on but what is that gradually gives way to the cracks sometimes so wide and throw those two lives in deep abyss. When I listen to a guy say "I am not caring, I am too lazy" I would only anticipate it to my convinience, okay how can he be not caring when he cares to call me and think about my small needs.. phew!! wait until you are hooked. Laziness, oh, it is okay, I can take it. But how long can I take it, laziness to the extent of throwing clothes all over the house, laziness of littering the bathroom after each use, laziness of just lying around doing nothing while you slog out in the kitchen?? These need not be categorized as lies but they are masked truths...

When I say I will adjust with the family I get in to, I will be the ideal bahu material, why the hell is whole world going ga-ga-ga over MIL, SIL and DIL relationships.. why cant they really coexist, it is just a matter of adjustment, why is a MIL, DIL or SIL always the villain in reality or in drama, havent they seen Hum Aapke Hain, Hum Saath Saath hai and all those Barjaatya films with goody goody endings. I might be fully intending to do everything I thought of but there is no guarantee that the other parties accept me with the same openness. Hidden agendas need not necessarily be from my end, but how long and how much can you take from the other.. this again is a masked truth.. I take in only as much as I can, I cant assure I will be the exact same person with exact same views until I stay with them for a while.

Can they be classified as lies?????

When something is amiss, will the single truth that I am lied to a 1000 times still hold that relation as strong?????? The point of it all is not about truth or lies, it is basically about the trust or the lack of it in the institution of marriage and on the person you are hitched with.

Apr 28, 2010

Malle Pandiri Needalona.....

This song from the movie Maayadaari Malligaadu is something which I remembered suddenly the other day when I lie down watching the Jasmine plant move spreading its fragrance in a cool breezy summer night.. lying next to my daughter taking in her baby powder and soap scent, that tiny body curled into a ball sleeping blissfully, with work done and no one else to talk to, it felt like I got transferred to heaven for a while with a tiny angel to just wipe away all the tears in my life.

Hmm... after initial hiccups in shifting, the first thing I am told to do was to pluck away all the leaves from the jasmine plant so that it produces new leaves and bloom beautifully. I dont usually put flowers in my hair, I like them on the plants, I love them in the temple on the God. I am not a flower-flower bouquet, bud type of a person, gift me a plant, am happy, gift me a flower, I might accept it with a smile but my heart some feels ill at ease.. but thanks to the severe nerve pain and headache I am told to put jasmine flowers as the smell is supposed to be good for people with headache trouble.. never knew this one.. but it does really work.. take my word for it.. that soothing smell works wonders.

Sleeping outside taking in fresh air is something which I had done almost a couple of decades ago, doing it again with my daughter is a different inexpressible feel altogether, watching the moon and stars with her, the clouds, the tree branches, the scent of flowers from the trees, the silence of the night and the voice of my daughter, the gibberish she tries to share with me, the gibberish (in her opinion) I share with her... is there anything else that is magical in life?

Eppudo chinnappudu mallepoolu maala katti ammamma pedite pettukodam, ledante kosukuni rammante dodlokelli kosukocchi platelo poyyadam tappa malle antu gurinchi peddaga eppudu aalochinchaledu eppudu kooda... aakulu doosesina malle chettu vaaram tiragaka munupey aakulu chigurinchi, mogga todigi, poolu vicchi, suvaasanalu vedajallutoo edo cheppaleni madhuramaina anubhootini naalo nimpi vellipoyindi.. prakrutilo unna healing power ento telisindi.

ninna madhya raatri challani pilla gaalulu veestoo, manasu anta idi ani cheppaleni oka santrupti toti nindipoyi prakrutini aasvaadistunna vela.. naalo teliyani oka sunnita vyaktitvam tongi choosindi, inka delicacy anedi naalo entamaatram migalaledemo ani anumanaam kaadu khacchitamga nirdaarana chesukunnaaka vacchina aa talapulu ippudu alochistunte naakey ento vintaga undi..

enno alochanalu, naa gurincho bhavishyattu gurincho, pandugaadi gurincho kaadu... aa malle chettu gurinchi...

sarvam marichi nidraavastalo unna nannu edo teliyani sakti okkasaariga tatti lepindi...
kaaranam entaa ani lechina nenu, naa chuttu unna parisaraalani choosi, antaa bagundaa,
naa bidda nidrapotundaa anni sarichoosukuni nidrakupakraminchabotundaga evaro pilichinattu oka bhaavana....
edurugaa choostey pacchati aakulato, tellani virisina mallelato, vaatininchi vastunna gubhaalimputo andamga ento vayyaram pilla temmeralato syeaatalu aadutunna aa malle poda....

Pandiri kaadu chinni guburulaanti poda, jeevitaanike bhaashyam cheptunnattuga naa mundu nunchundi, nannu tatti pilichindi... pandu venello malle chettu needalo ee jeevitarahasyaalenno unnattugaa anipinchindi, neeto cheptaaraa ani kekesinattuga anipinchindi.

...atumonnati daaka muduru aakulato, matti pattesi, poolu leka modulaaga unna okate poyinaa okate annattuga unna chettu
...monnati daaka aakulu doosesi karra pullalala gumpu laaga unna chettu.
...kotta chiguru vesi, mogga todigi, poolu virisi ninnati vaanaki tadichi, pattina dummu vadili edo vinta nootana sobhani inumadimpa chesukundi
...tarachi chooste jeevita paramaarthaanni chaati cheppindi, modu aipoyindi anukunna bratukuki chinni saayam... aaku dooyadam.. tirigi manam chesina chinna saayaaniki adi icche trupti velakattalenidi kadaa.

poda meeda ninchi puvvu meedaki dhyaasa mallistey enno prasnalu
puvvu jeevitam konni kshanaalu, gantalu ledantey rojulu kaani aa andam anubhavinchaale kaani varnincha lenanta untundi.. naaku puvvuni gurinchi oka nirdishtamaina abhipraayam undi adi chettununtey baaguntundi ani.. kaani antalone oka anumaanam, puvvuki elaa untey istham???

mogga ninchi puvvugaa maari aa puvvu kommaney raalipote artham enti?
chettuna untey daani jeevitakaalam ekkuva untundi, talalo pettukunte adi tondaraga vaadipotundi anedi naa bhaavana.. kaani edo oka vidhamga maanavaaliki upayogapaddaanu kadaa ani adi santrupti pondutundemo kadaa?
devudi paadaala vaddaku cheri jeevitham saardhakam ayyindi anukuntundaa? manishi mukthi kosam aasapaddattey adi kooda tahatahalaadutunda?

oka pootaloney raalipoye puvvu jeevita paramaardham enti?
santoshaaniki prateekaga kalakalalaadutoo koddi kaalam jeevinchinaa andari chetaa ishtapada badatamane mahattaramaina varam daaniki undi kanaka aa puvvuki anta sobha vacchindaa?

aunooo elanti rangu ruchi roopam leni raallaki chaavu anedi lekundaa, muripinchi maripinche ee chitti chitti poolaki enduku devudu chaala takkuva jeevitam prasaadinchaadu?

naaku adbhutasaktlu vastey nenu poolaki nenu kotta praanam poyana, jeevam penchanaa.. asalidantaacheyyagalanaa... aina enno alochinchi ento lotugaa undelaaga shrushti nirmaanam chesina devudu edokati alochinchakundaa alaa chesi undadu kada, roju kottagaa poostunnay kaabatte aa poolakanta viluvemo?? emo..

ilaa alochanalu saagipotundagaa eppudu vacchindo teliyani nidra naatopaatu naa alochalani kooda sedadeerchindi.... aa chigurinchina mallepodalaaga nee jeevitam kooda kotta puntalu tokkutundi, nee chinna mogga puvvaina rojuna daanito paatu nuvvu kooda parimalistaavu ani naa hrudayaaniki ooratanicchinattuga anipinchina ee anubhooti oka kalaa nijamaa?? emo kaani adi migilchina teeyadanam velalenidi.

vetakaaley kaani prati anuvulonu jeevana paramaartham guppinchi pampinchaadu kadaa aa paivaadu!!!

Pic Courtesy: Net

Apr 24, 2010

Intermediate 2010 First Year Results

Results are out.. nope I am not writing any exam, my youngest cousin did, so after struggling for a while for quick result..

found them on this site..HERE

this is for benefit of others like me :).

and by the way it is not class anymore.. it is grade distinction A grade, first class B grade.. phew the expectations!!!

Apr 23, 2010

When Time is Bad

Thing is my life are never simple.. like that guy Venu Tottempudi says in some movie "nenu edi chesina chirigi chaatantai chaapantautundi" a type annamaata.

Mom says when time is bad whatever you do, wherever you are nothing seems right and nothing will seem to be okay, maybe partially true. I dont actually believe in this stuff sometimes I am forced to. I had taken a lot of time to decide between a lappy and a desktop and thought 101 times before going to invest.. portability, mobility, is what made me choose this one. A while ago maybe having them both wasnt a big deal but now it IS..

So, I get this new lappy and since my office software is compatible only with XP, I go for XP loading instead of the normal Vista or Windows 7 :(.. the dealer said DELL is the best since it has got on-site service but did not mention that service warranty is only with Vista and Windows 7.. what the hell, okay let that be.. I am having a lot of trouble get the office stuff loaded, finally it does happen and there goes my internet connectivity, struggle with it, go for a new modem, new cable, new connection and what not and finally it is decided that it is the port that is the problem... not yet sure of it though... so, net-net the scene is "I get rid of DT which dumped me and end up with a lappy which is not cooperating with me" which leaves me wondering why is there no middle ground.. I either have highest of highs or lowest of lows, nothing plateaued.

It is just today that I was able to do some decent work, hoping that this continues for a while at least... and you guys know anymore remedies other than dumping the lappy?

Apr 22, 2010

This Summer...

It has been a tiring summer from the start and it rained heavily yesterday.. my heart goes for all those farmers who had the crop out in the farms :(... just wish it stops raining today, bad for mangoes, bad for other crops, bad for the consumers, bad for the farmers.. should this all happen.. i mean not raining at the time of sowing and drenching and drowning at the time of harvesting!!!!

Owing to the rain yesterday, I am absolutely sure that it is going to be hotter than ever today and tomorrow... it is hot but we are still stuck to no a/c routine but have to use cooler once in a while... the sun seems to pull out the energy using straw like the ad that we see these days on TV, dont remember what though.. if this is the case of a little privileged people what about others who toil it out in the sun....

When I crib about it all... God quietened me down showing...

... a man in his late 50s on three-wheel specially design cart for the disabled selling peanuts and masala chana for the living.
... a 14-year-old boy who supplies water to the houses from a local well or the Naandi water tank after school hours to support his mom and brother.
... a 70-year-old woman selling jasmine flowers in the hot sun because by evening the flowers would bloom and she wont get to sell them.
... a whole lot of labor on the road repair session with their kids lying around in hot sun under the shade of lorries, playing in dirt :((((((...

the one where months or maybe even days old babies hung on to the nearest trees in their cloth swings with moms toiling it out on the roads crushed me beyond words...first thought was how could they put the kids through it all, the second thought was who would want to do that if they had enough to make two square meals a day and final thought before going to bed was why the hell is the injustice... where 90% of the wealth in the world is concentrated with 10% of the people and remaining 90% of the population survives on the bare 10%... why?? what have they done to be born that way and what have we done to be born with just about enough and why are a few born with excess to maintain a nation and still be left with a lot more??? why the inequality...

but then thank God, God has given the less privileged in terms of money the energy to work and earn and when I see that beautiful smile of the kids with their faces streaked with mud and dust, playing with sand and rubble on the roads, happy with some leaves and twigs, I want to go clean them up, play with them for a while, give them some toys to cheer them up... but all I do is wish them good health, pray that their kids dont have to endure it all and just pass by with a heavy heart because the ones traveling with me, mostly my maama, would be pressed for time...

when people argue and tell me on my face that I am a miser not to get an a/c for my kid, fine I dont really bother about their opinion, I want the kid to know what the actual world around her is.. no I wont take her on the road to play with those kids but I will just see to it that she is healthy, comfortable, happy and safe... Luxury is something which she needs to get by her own choice and by her hard work, she is going to get only comfort and loads of love from me.

... and by the way for human beings there are these "chalivendralu" or water facilities some where but in this hot sun, the birds will die... so please please leave some water for those thirsty birds which sing to us and fill the world with beauty and music!!!! Quenching the thirst in this hot summer is the least we can do...

Apr 20, 2010

Dear Daughter -- 12

Dearest LO:

The Big One has just passed this month... the huge rush of shifting, health concerns, system troubles, and a whole lot of other complexities left us both strained and drained... but time stops for none.

This month you have oficially given a farewell to infancy and stepped into toddler world... time vanishes I must say. I had no big plans for the big day.. as opposed to the huge hungama people attribute to the first birthday, I just wanted it to be just you, me, bobbymaa and the ones who have seen and carried each and every single day of your life... and moreover kiddo I want you to go grow up as someone whose birthday people around you celebrate, not the immediate family and close friends. Whats the fun in celebrating our lives ourselves, when people do that for you much after we are no longer physically present that is the life led with a purpose. I know this is all high fundaa and you wont understand anything as of now or maybe there is a possibility that you wont understand it ever like the rest of the people around me in the family, who feel that I deprive you of everything by not celebrating and inviting half the town befitting our stature (??????).

I chose for a birthday celebration with just a party in the evening for the school kids that too because all the kids were preparing for skits, songs and dances for your birthday party... phew, the fan following :))).... I did not have the heart to disappoint them and so decided to go for a high funda birthday party with masks, hats, snow, glitters, deco, music, dance, events and everything which a normal the so-called high society party includes but the invitees were the street kids.. did we have a blast... yes, yes, yes.. you had a blast too, being the center of attraction, screaming when they danced, squatting around and sleeping after a while..

I hate the big parties, spending lavishly for spreads for the already rich people who neither know the value of food nor the ocassion.. all they notice is the jewelry, family fueds if any, how the food tasted and what all went wrong... I am pleased, the joy in each and every kid's eyes seeing the toys, their return gifts, masks, whistles, hats, balloons and surprised screams when they were told that everything was theirs to take home, is priceless... I want you to bring joy and happiness and spread cheer in the lives of the people who are a little under-privileged than us. I would say my life has served a purpose if that sense is inculcated in you.

I want you to be the one who gives happiness, spreads cheer and joy whereever you are and my darling you already are even though I must say you are spoiled rotten by all the taatees in the village and all your school buddies.

With you standing with perfect balance and walking around happily in the walker most of your milestones are met... and no need to see, each of them had me crying buckets...and yes!!!!!!! how can I forget to mention this.. finally, FINALLY, a tooth in the bottom row has erupted.. yay!!! just when I was contemplating to order a set of teeth for you ;).. every one says it is good to get tooth as late as possible because the skull is said to be stronger in the ones who have late teething... whatever, I am happy you have one out and I would be happiest if there is a provision like all the 32, err.. 30 teeth just come out of no where without any teething troubles... big dreams!!! the growing up pains must be endured.

On the day of your birthday, exactly a year after the event.. I wake up with a sense of vacuum, I dont feel joy, I dont have the urge to kiss you happy birthday and wake you up, I just look at you with a blankness in my mind and my heart. I dont want you to grow up so soon, yet I want you to grow up, hold my hand and say look momma I am there for you? As usual, you mad momma is her usual contradictory self... and you wake up with that sweetest smile of yours, yawn and say amma and everything just kind of gives way to sheer bliss and happiness and pleasure.. somewhere down the line, I gave up worrying and just started living the moment and this one of those moments to die for.

People say you are beautiful child with very good features physically but I say your beauty lies in the sweet smile of yours that lights up your eyes and lights up the hearts of the reciever. Do not ever fall into the trap of external beauty and retain that inner beauty no matter what. I dont want you to be a silent "I dont know anything" type person, I would rather prefer you to be a violent go-getter that you are as of now. Just retain that zeal and enthusiasm in you and live each and every moment of your life.. you know in celebration of being alive every single second of your life... Beauty is just skin deep, a beautiful heart is what you need to have.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart.. I wish you all the very best in life and this day I pray that you lead a life with purpose, a goal and most importantly be content doing anything. I want you to bring light into many more lives just the way you did in mine but then no pressure I will be just as glad and happy if you just live normally not taking anyone's happiness, understanding, caring, giving girl-next-door. If you cant make anyone happy...fine!!!!! do not make them sad.

God Bless You and all the kids in the world with loads of love, acceptance and basic needs.. Happy Birthday Sweetheart..

Momma Loves You no matter what... it is up to you to be loved by one and all with your own personality.. Good luck!!!!

Mad, Madder, Maddest if that is possible of you,

Apr 19, 2010

A mother..

is a mother no matter which species she belongs to....

we have a stray pet called Junglee or Jangu for short.. a stray puppy who stays in our yard and plays with the kid, we feed it once a day and since it got pregnant started feeding it well and it just stopped going out, so kind of a forced pet...

A couple of years ago, when I had come down first it was a 2 month old or so puppy and this is its second pregnancy already... she lost all its puppies from first delivery and this time only one survived.. the basic problem is I am told the dogs dig a deep pit in the earth and deliver the kids there to protect the kid from other animals.. this one dug a pit so deep and the second day it rained heavily and we could not rescue the pups as we were not aware of the location it dug the pit in :((((((... this time too the same thing happened, but we located the pit and by the time it let us put our hands in only one pup was left.. we got it out and it is safe now... and I named it pingu to rhyme with Jangu.

the thing is the new pup has just started eating food... I fed Jangu some curd rice and it was eating it up, just then pingu (its son) came and started licking it... Jangu had finished everything in her bowl by then but seeing pingu take interest in eating, she vomited a little food and gave it to pingu... I was trying to shoo away the pup from eating it but the maid told me that that is how the mothers feed their young ones, eat somewhere and come and vomit and the pup feeds on it until she gets old enough to fight other strays and get food for itself :(((...

a young pup which was smaller than the one she has right now which grew in front of my eyes is a mother and is teaching me lessons in motherhood... tears did not stop for a while, I missed my amma all the more and I thank my mother for the help she is right now and sleep with a heavy heart, thinking about survival of the fittest, the mother baby love and a lot more things!!!!!


My system had conked and I had to get a new lappy much against my hatred to it.. I prefer a desktop always :( because of mobility constraints and a whole lot of things.. anyways wish me good luck with my work and hopefully a new lappy means a new beginning....

Thanks for all the concern, calls, mails and messages.. me and the kiddo are doing well (touchwood) and hope you have been doing great too...

For Evil Eyes on LO