There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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May 19, 2010

Lila ho yaa Ilaa!!

With this violent storm of breathlessness giving in some respite.. I sit back right now.. actually watching rain wash out the leaves, the greenery dancing in front of the eyes in its purest form, the bubbles that form and burst as the rain drops touch the floor, the sky gray and clear without any clouds, a cool breeze, the sound of water from the floor above on the concrete floor.. I have a lot of things going on in my mind, a lot of feelings but not able to give any concrete form to anything.. not really enjoying the rain, not really hating it either.. a group of villagers sit back idly on the temple platform puffing out cigarettes and doing the idle chatter.. with my daughter away playing with cousins, there is nothing much to do either.. and so with the lappy in front of me I drift off...

I have always had this very serious doubt in my mind as to why people let things happen to their body.. why are they so grossly negligent about it.  How could they not get it right when they found something wrong, how could they?  Especially, those movie stars and people in limelight who we are in awe of.. when I like at their then and now, I am like.. what the hell has happened.  When I see that happening to me, I know precisely why.

I am not body or beauty conscious.. the only thing I was really particular about was no weight gain and thankfully had to do nothing about it as I was in general good health and not-prone-to-fat body.  Still, that panic was always there about weight gain.  With the kid in too there were absolutely no issues; however, it is only after 6 months after the baby that something really snapped, the control over the body.  The left, right and center gain in spite of activity levels.. family blames it on stress, anxiety, not eating well and all that, and I personally feel it is just another blow of a different kind.

The other day on my followup visit to the doctor he was like "your  face is kind of swollen dont worry it is because of the medication".  It is only then do I realize that something has really changed.. Over the past 10 days, I hardly even looked at the mirror even to comb the hair.  The first thing I do after coming home is to look at the mirror and find this strange fat woman with chubby cheeks, fat-layered neck and puffed and swollen face looking back at me.  I am like ???? who is this???? where am I??? What happened to my face???  who is she in there?  Shake my head unbelievably at the image in it.  How can a person change so visibly within a snap of a week or 10 days.. OMG!!!

I dont really know if this is the end of the beginning or the beginning of an end (weight gain wise)..  I would be lying if I say this has not impacted me... more than anything so far, this change within this past week has had that impact, a surge urge, a sudden desperation, a sudden need to just black out from everything.  I dont like it a bit, the focus being shifted from the kid to me, my focus that is... it is the time she needs the most attention and my body is seeking more than it should.  With help extended from few  quarters and denied promptly financially, it is going to be an uphill walk, a tirade against all the odds put together so far and from now on.  Every fiber of my being screams you are just about done, hang on.. the main dish is done to perfection, it is just the garnish part but mind and its ways...

Whatever it is, if there is still that energy and spark to go on, it is because of the feeling of being alive with a clear set of notions and emotions.  Anyways, like everything else the last stretch of the journey seems to stretch on and almost impossible but that is where the fruit of the entire struggle lies... so why let it go.

So many things happening around, world does not come to a halt even for a moment, the nature has its course.. the heatwave that hit the state did its job until yesterday and the rain water will do its best now, people plan, people execute, people cry, people laugh, people are born, people pass away... nothing really matters to the course of time... it just passes leaving its footprints in sands of time like it had been since the time immemorial.

My mind longs for some comfort.. but I know it needs to be from within... the lemony green leaves of the "nicche malli" chettu seem to smile at me.. the raindrops had been trying to batter on the plant leaves continuously since the night past, but could not deter its spirit.. the rain takes a break and the tree still stands there with its head held high, clean, neat and fresh.  It does not hold anything against those water drops, in fact the few drops left on the leaves are so beautiful to look at.... the break is over and the rain is at it again.

I have to work, but cant bring myself to it today... want to enjoy the rain, want to feel the life around..

I consciously bring myself to remember the days with amma...


***inti choorulonchi jaaripadutunna goldspot, coffee podi rangu neellu.
***chukka chukka kinda padi isaka telina chinni chinni guntalu.
***atu itu gentutoo, vaana budagallo pattu dorakaka jaaripotunna kappa pillalu.
***matti poralu jaaripoyi mokkala guburulo bayata padda vaana paamulu.
***atu itu gantulu vestu bayatiki lopaliki parigette kukka pillalu.
***vediga edaina tinaalani ontlo aakali.
***eppudu taggutundaa vaana kaneesam okasaranna bayatakelloddam ane manasu..
***virigi padutunna chettu kommalu..

 anni alaage unnay, ade illu, adey chooru, adey vaana, adey nenu.. kaani ento teda, paiki antaa alaage unna edi alaaga ledu..

bayata tuphaanu, horu gaali... manasulo artham leni alochanala poru... tsunami antaaru, varada antaaru, vaayugundam antaaru.. kottagaa ee madhya ila, laila vagaira ani kooda antunnaru... eperuto pilichina enta joruga kurisinaa chesedemi ledu... ee alochanala sudigundamlo chikkukunna manasuki bayata tuphaanu kooda prasantamga anipinchadamlo vintemi ledemo?

1 comment:

Suree said...

i didnt read what u wrote in english , but last lo telugu lo rasinadi chadivanu...

kallaku kattinattuka aa drushyalu kanipinchayi naaku.. malli naaki anni gurthuteppincharu .. dhanyavadhamulu..

For Evil Eyes on LO