There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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May 16, 2010

On the edge

What is it with the blog or with my life in general that once I take a strong resolution, that very same thing is put to test??  Call it play of stars, twist of fate or just like that.. I am complications' favorite child maybe :).. well, let me at least take pride in the fact someone loves me so bad to let go off me and maybe I should start getting comfort in the company of my constant companion :).. edevaleka navvadam ante idenemo mari?

This time it is the lungs that give up after constant coughs for about a couple of years... or to be precise, what started with amma's death and keeps popping off and on.

We take so many things for granted and the first task that we learn breathing comes very naturally to us.  Never knew just a single breath could take so much of an effort to put your entire being together and still not be able to do something as simple as that... breathe in and breathe out right!!!

On the edge for a while, unaware of what is happening around me other than the fact that something is seriously wrong.. what passes through the mind takes me unawares.

I surprise myself real bad this time.. I dont really feel anything.  For the one who claims her life is solely revolving around the daughter and nothing else even that was not reminded in that very moment.  Those few minutes of "anything can happen" did not really bring forth anything on to my mind.  Not the pain, not the pleasure, not the smile of the baby, nor the fear for her care and concern if and if something goes wrong.  There is sudden calm engulfing me.  The usual me who frets and fumes and oohs and aahs and gets freaked out at tiny little prospect of discomfort to my daughter just doesnt really bother about her any longer.

I give myself to the care of the doctor..
try to feel something,

try to blame myself for not being that "my baby, what happens to my baby, what about her" cries in my heart,
try to panic (yes, I was wondering why I was so calm),
try to feel bad for not being able to see the kid one last time (I know, I am that very nautanki-baaz mother with overthinking stuff, but cant really help it right?),
try to feel bad for not remembering my child's smile,
try to feel bad for being alone just with the maid and the driver next to me and the whole family a minimum of 2 hours away..

all in vain!!  On second thoughts would that matter if they were right next to me.. naah.. then why?

My conscious body trying to bring in peripheral emotions whereas the subconscious doing the most needful task at that time.. recuperating, fighting back!!! isnt human body mechanism clubbed with psych amazing!!!

I just dont feel anything at all.. a sense of peace, a sense of calm acceptance, a sense of blankness spread a security blanket just letting me relax.

The doctor panics for a while immediately after the arrival but seeing me calm gets calmed down and then the things take their course without waiting for anyone responsible to be present and by the time the family manages to come down, I am back.. not bouncing but definitely back.  The little maid who was shocked and scared could finally relax with someone present other than than the driver and Like they say daane daane pe likhaa hai khaane waalekaa naam and there seem to be a whole lot of daana in my naseeb :).

Even though I am surprised at my composure at that point, I cant really take any credit for it.. it is one of those moments that just happened.. I tried to give in my usual inputs but the body just dint register :).

So, what does that leave me with... an awareness yet again that life is a bubble, a fact that all is not really well yet physically and an affirmation that I have it in me to get going no matter what.  There is someone above who does the needful.

Just after the moment passes, the usual grumpy me wakes up refusing to catch a wink of sleep for 2 straight days without seeing the kid and am sent back home a couple of days later to see my daughter sleeping (rather sleep acting) not opening her eyes and just smiling through closed eyes after so much of requesting to talk to amma that she has got kuhhu kuuhhu aayi and has come to see her play... and finally opening eyes after an hour, smiling real nice, give me a tight hug and sleep very very close.. what a reunion it was.  No squeals, just a little bit of anger and a lot of comfort in that tiny little hand that is on my body, not letting me go.

Suddenly, I realize what held me back, where the calm had come from.. this tiny soul emanated it all the way from home and got me back to her... miracles do happen in life and she is no less than one.


Satish Bolla said...

very well written akka. rather, it should be very well shown

munni said...

Hi Sree..
I pray for your speedy recovery...I know your health problems will be resolved very soon and you will have lots of fun bringing up your daughter.

ఏకాంతపు దిలీప్ said...

Take Care...

For Evil Eyes on LO