There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Jun 19, 2010

Mommy Guilt

Taking a cue from Art's post on Mommy Guilt, I really wanted to do something along those lines.. if not for the contest as part of my day to day ramblings..
So, here is how it goes or should go..

Guilt or as the dictionaries would put it as "remorseful awareness of having done something wrong" in my case is not something which comes with being a mother.  In some people, it is like a built-in stuff embedded in the genetic pattern itself and maybe I am one of such souls plagued by guilt factor from within, made to feel guilty, making others feel guilty.. you name it and I guess I have been a part of it all..

The worse of it all started though with awareness of being pregnant or rather being pregnant for the second time... giving in to emotions of going through a miscarriage and a feeling of being uprooted from what I was or what I until that time.  Superficially, I blamed it on hormones, blamed it on circumstances, blamed it on everything and everyone in my vicinity but something which I could not really escape was "blaming it on myself".

Would-be Mommy Guilt let us put it

**I was thinking too much about my own life with and without the baby and analyzing the circumstances... "what did that little life-form do to be subjected to so much of scrutiny?"
**Was constantly in an emotional whirlpool and no matter how much  I am told that what I think, do, eat, drink or even breathe at this time impacts another individual for her/his life, I just could not get a grip on myself and follow the To-Do guidelines laid out for good pregnancy.  "I know I am spoiling whatever the chances of this baby inside to be a perfect individual by giving into trivial things."

 If I thought that was bad enough, the worst kicked in the moment I laid my eyes on her..
Aww she is an such an angel and so very perfect.. how can I retain that forever.

When I saw her eyes for the first time staring at me in general..
I take my own decisions thinking it is good for her, keeping her away from certain part of the family... but is it right???  Why are things not like they are at every other childbirth, a very happy occasion in the family.. I am the reason for it, my strong belief about certain things and certain people and conviction as to how things should be for her.  I was all along thinking about myself but seeing her in front of me... all I did that I thought was right came to become a big question... does she not need someone else beyond me who can give their life for her just the way I do.. yes, she does.. then why am I robbing it from her...

When she could not latch on her own and I could not feed her
aww.. she is cursed to have me for mother.. people on the roadside manage to do that and even animals figure out how to do it why am  I not able to do it with so much of support from hospital staff?

When she had to be on formula very early to supplement her feeds

 I am the worst mother of all.

When we were both alone to fend for ourselves with the support of maids
okay why do I need to put her through this..

When I decided to get back to work and saw the child refuse to let go off me..
why should I do this????

The list would go on and on and on...

Each time she refuses to let go off me to work, each time she cries seeing the playmates leave her (why does she miss them so much, am I not providing her enough love), each time I fall sick and have to rely on the maids and relatives to take care of her, each time there is a tear in her eyes, each time she falls down tripping on anything (why did I keep that thing there), each time she refuses to eat (I could have something more palatable), each time I see a kid who is chubbier and happier than yours (I just dont feed her enough), each time I end up at a doctor's place with a sick kid running high temperature and each and every moment (how can I manage to make her sick), every single day was a guilty moment for a while... it was like "wherever you go I am there, whatever you do I am there."

If there was nothing to feel guilty about for a while... why am I not feeling guilty at all ;)... (I know the heights of it, and yes by now some of you must be thinking I seriously need to go see a shrink, by the way a few people in my life already feel that I need to).

I don't know if I am alone in this guilt roller-coaster rides but these are some moments which just leave me wondering if I am robbing those guiltful moments from the time I need to spare for her.

For those moms who think that working from home like I do is really a gift, let me tell you it is worse of the two.. torn between work and keeping the kid at a distance, your tiny little heart just gets crushed a little more :(.

But if there is one thing that is good about this feeling, it is that it always keeps me toes and goads me to give the best to the kid.  The key, however, lies in drawing a line though which is really really thin and easy to miss and step across... you know the image in the mirror that kind of jumps out to tell you are wrong, the one in the mirror criticizing you which is worse than anyone else in the world doing that to you.

To me, there is no rush as such to be a supermom.. it is relieving to see other moms do feel the same as well but the ONE THING that I NEED to do is keep away from people who try to induce more guilt in me than I already have from within.


kowthas said...

This whole mommy thing? It's a closed call. As in, the rules, the factors and the final success and content is just really between you and your kid.

Not even the husband, unfortunately. A little appreciation/approval helps, but really not necessary.

my 2 cents after what I have been through :)


Sireesha said...

No one is perfect. And as mothers, we always wish and do the best for our kids. And I don't think it's our duty to protect them from each and every minor difficulty or pain. Everything is just a part of growing up. And no point in feeling guilty about things which are beyond your control. Kids will be fine as long as we love them and watch them over.
This is just my point of view.

For Evil Eyes on LO