There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Oct 31, 2010

Blog-a-thon Finale!!!

The NaBloWriMo starting exactly a month ago has come to an end..

YAYyyy (picture me jumping around) I DID IT!! Did not miss even a day considering this was the most hectic month both personally and work-wise, it is indeed an achievement.  Thank you Rads!!!  Got very much involved in it so much so that I did not realize it has come to an end until I saw Chandu's post :))).

It was fun.  It kept me on toes.  I thought I would get bored and may give up and kept a backup topic list to blog on just in case I run out of anything to ramble but am really glad I never once looked into it.  This was one task that I looked forward to every day.  I need to push myself to work but this was easy, I had to finish work to post in the blog so work and blog both got done on time :).  I picked it from Rads, who could not finish it this year and had wanted a few of my friends to do it.  Chandu took it up and am glad that he did 'cos I got to have so much fun reading during this time period and on top of it, he was the only one doing NaBloWriMo in Telugu.. so a big YAY!!! for him as well.. it only goes to prove that we are truly global and leave a mark every where we go.

Blogging to me like I always say is therapeutic.  It has been a good experience, getting to know a lot of people through the blog.. interestingly I had a lot of followers and comments added up in this particular month and thank you so much for all the encouragement and concern.

**My friends I made through blogging like Neelima, Tarini, Kodi's Mom, Sirisha, KK, Dileep who I share personal rapport with and are bloggers.
**A few more like Sunitha and Sandhya (I love their comments more than my posts), Radha, Chandu, Harsha who I know through regular commenting in my blog... each and every one who added themselves up as followers.
**My best buddy Caps, Usha who inspired me to do Life in Pictures, Renuka and Keerthi from TIA.
**A lot more who I know read my blog very regularly and some even without fail but have never dropped in a comment or do so very rarely.

** Last but not the least my extended family Bhavanakka, papadatta, Savitha.. a biiig suprise readership to my posts.

and how can I forget my lovely lovely cutie cutie little monster/angel who lets me have my personal space.

Oct 30, 2010

Swarnakamalam - Sirivennela

This man, believe me, takes you to another world with his lyrics. Music, singers, lyrics, performances.. an awesome blend of it all, a delight to the eyes as well as ears.. Fell in love with it the moment I heard it and the love story continues...

This song in particular, the question and answer session between the two characters, the comparision, the usage of simple words, the analogies.. takes me to another world altogether.. yes, the daughter dances to it, so good for me.. on the loop for today are the songs from this movie.

Ghallu ghallu ghallu mantu merupalle tullu..
Jhallu Jhallu Jhalluna uppongu ningi vollu
nalla mabbu challanee.. challani chiru jallu
pallavinchanee nelaku pacchani paravallu -ghallu-

Velluvocchi saaganee tolakari allarlu -2
ellalannave eragani vegamto vellu --ghallu--

Layake nilayamai nee paadam saagaali -aahahahahaaha-
malayaanilagatilo suma baalaga toogaali -aahaahaahaahaaha--
valalo vodugunaa... viharinche chirugaali
selayetiki natanam… nerpinche guruvedi

tirige kaalaanikee -aaaa aaaaa aaaaa--
Tirige kaalaanikee, teerokatundi
adi nee paathaaniki dorakanu andi
nataraaja swamy jataa jooti loki cherakunte
viruchukupadu sura gangaku viluvemundi.. viluvemundee -ghallu-

Dooke alalaku E taalam vestaaru -aahahaahaha--
kammani kalala paata E raagam antaaru --oohuhuuhuhu--
alalaku andunaa aasinchina aakaasam
kalalaa karagadamaa jeevitaana paramaardham

vaddani aapaleru -aaaa aaaa aaaa--
Vaddani aapaleru urike oohani
haddulu daataraadu aasala vaahini
aduperugani aatalaadu vasantaalu valadante
viri vanamula parimalamula viluvemundi, viluvemundee -ghallu-

Listen to it here.

Mad Ads

Happened to see this Big Babool ad today.. the boy-crow-revenge one :)))... One has to have this bird shower experience to actually feel that ad ;).. ask me!! being from the village and cohabiting with a whole lot of crows and bearing this a lot of times.. I must confess there were times when such a thought came across my mind as well ;).. loved to see it on screen :))).. could not help but grin the whole evening.

Yet another favorite at home is the kit kat ad...

Wherever the kid is, she comes running to the TV once hears the honk honk :))..

According to me ads are one of the most creative and intellectual way of expression.. conveying what we want to in a matter of minutes or seconds and capturing the attention of the viewers is not an easy task.. I must say I love love love ads big time.. and my daughter is no less!! Together, we channel surf for ads rather than channel surf at the time of ads :))...

Oct 29, 2010

News Khichdi

Rajeev Lalita Kala Toranam

Well, what else is remaining to named after in the state.. What has Rajiv done to telugu to change the telugu lalita kala toranam to his name.. heights of sycophancy!!  It is originated by NTR if it comes to that and I wish to keep tradition and fine arts at least away from politics.

Boycotting AP Formation Day

Everyone has a freedom to whatever he wants to but the freedom ends where the other person's nose begins.  If we celebrate formation of a state recognizing efforts a man giving his life to a cause and years later, a group condemns it all.. I do not really want to get into what is right and what is justice, I just dont want my country to be split on dialects as well at this point.  Samaikhyandhra or not, I want peace...

Good times to Konidela Family :)

Well, after about 3 yrs. of constant media intervention/ridicule and boquets and brickbats, the family is in news again, the govt. gives a clean chit to blood bank.. well, I guess the blood bank's functioning was never a dispute, the question was that it is not a charity he does but commercial outfit which enjoys exclusive privileges by the government.. anyways.. it is a good note.

Saw Srija in audio function of Orange and a much slimmed down Chiru.. good, good, good.

Allu Arujun's wedding finally... great if it is true.. good, good, good.. :)))...  May the happy times continue and may Chiru and his fans focus more on their family and movies and do what they do best acting and leave politics to the others :)).

So, that means I am back to reading newspaper.. if not full fledged at least the headlines and watch some news and hence these snippets..

Oct 28, 2010

Being Politically Correct

Extreme of anything is not good.. Everything in moderation is a key to healthy balance in life.  But the sad truth is more than moderates in anything, there are liberals and extremists.  The worst of such happens to be in religion.  A very sensitive topic, a very inflammatory one in fact.  I fear extremities across all the faiths not just isolating Islam..  Across the board I have a problem with terrorism and not radical groups of any particular religion.  I abhor fanatics of any type.  I need to shake myself hard when I hear violence of a magnitude such as 09/11 in US or 26/11 in India but if I were to be asked if I am scared of an average Muslim because the offenders happen to belong to that particular faith, then the answer is an absolute NO.

I personally had this experience when I was walking in a mall, a girl walks down to me and asks me if I were a Muslim 'cos I dressed differently, I still remember that look on the adult accompanying her but then I dont blame them it is their fear making them do, their bias towards a certain group or extreme media hype.

I have intentionally cut myself from the rest of the unpleasant events in the world or maybe a lot of things which do not influence my day to day living, something of interest in recent times is this Juan Williams termination.  People are scared and I do not blame them, a secure nation which knew or anticipated no threat after being that supreme power suddenly was under the grip of terror and that was known to be from a particular religious group.  By and large an average American or a common man would most certainly be scared.  When majority believe it to be true and have that very inbuilt fear, their reactions are but natural and he was echoing their views, some one has to do it.  I happened to hear if not much, a couple of times, his view points and if as a person he were to be a racist as he is made out to be now, he would not have handled the most sensitive situations the nation has been through for so many years.

I personally do not feel he is a racist even now after watching the videos.  I do not necessarily completely endorse his views but I appreciate his guts to not be POLITICALLY CORRECT and give his opinion in spite of losing his job.  I refuse to be politically correct now by condemning what he said was wrong and should not have said that.  In case of 09/11 or terror wars, there happens to be a very very close association of religion to the event, so average population are scared and the hatred is palpable even years after the incident which is what he is trying to say.  He is entitled to his views and he expressed them and that is it.  If I were to believe in something strongly I would no doubt go out with the same conviction and speak it out, just because it is brushed under the carpet, it does not mean that all is well.  Things still happen where I see a queue falls slower if there is a Muslim in the queue at check-ins in airports, things do happen but they are good as long as they are unsaid.  If we were to shout and scream at a man for saying what he feels then we should bring the hell down when a lot of people do what they do.  It is just that they do it under a garb and he chose to do it in open.

The point, however, is that being a responsible person who is looked up to and whose views are respected and held on to, he has maybe overstepped a thin line where he could have restrained himself to the confines of private circles rather making a matter of public debate that it is now.

Oct 27, 2010

Fall, colors, Life...

I have always enjoyed fall colors in the movies, photos sent across by friends and am really loving the fall pics by Usha.

If there is one thing I regret about my stay in US, it is that I could not enjoy the fall in spite of being there for  a while.  I love the spotless scenic beauty of that place.  I would no doubt have loved the place a lot more better had I been financially independent.  Going and staying in a land of opportunities and freedom and independence as a dependent in every which way, not just financially, in my personal opinion, is the only way to kill the love for that place.

When I am surrounded by too much of interference from people I yearn to go back there, away from everyone bringing up daughter away and get her back once she is able to see right from wrong.  I sometimes curse myself at being helpless.  Actually there is no problem from people are hostile it is the so-called hypocritical friendly people taunting at any given time for every little opportunity, killing your time and love of life that are the culprits.

Some times I want to scream out on the face but hold myself knowing fully well the repercussions of it all and just let it go and it is taking its toll on me.. so I decide to scream out aloud at least in my zone, my world.

"Agreed life is tough on you, no denial. If you insist it is because of seeing me like THIS.. firstly I don't know what THIS is, secondly leave me to my fate and I can manage a 1000 times better without having to please the king size ego each and every single moment.  If you miss life in now just looking at me.. what about me going through it all and for God's sake you are not a servant just because you are forced to stay with me.. I am the slave of circumstances, just give me a little breathing space.. I am trying to stay afloat through rough tides and you are not helping by putting an iron hand on my floating head!!!!"

I just wish I can shout it all out aloud but then what is the point.  If one were to understand, I would not be wanting to say this in the first place.. sigh!!

When I think about it all, missing out on looking the fall colors in person is not as bad as missing out on living life...

Oct 26, 2010

People and odd jobs

One thing I really like about being abroad is that there is no other go than do our work ourselves.  No dependence on other people.  No matter what you are and where you work, you are treated equally by one and all.  I mean I cant imagine a barber/hairdresser enjoying equal privileges like me in my village or maybe even in AP unless he is a high-profile person.. yes, people are still looked up or down on depending on what they do.. sighhh!!!

I was brought up with the following that I dont really have to do anything other than eat well, read and do your job.. other menial tasks (well mindset again) will be taken care of by hired help.  Life actually revolves around them here.  Actually it is ingrained so deep into my psyche that I take it for granted.  I get pissed off when people dont turn up for work whereas I myself am not really regular at my work place.. I have my reasons you see.. because I am privileged.. they cant because I pay them.  It is not always that my conscience acts up and reprimands me.. it only peeps out sheepishly some times very rarely like this.  I manage to control my thoughts on this while I crib I can't on many other aspects (hypocrite me).  But then again, no one pays me if I do not work.. no one gives me perks when I demand them, I only get if I deserve them, I am treated with respect because I do not abuse the office system, once I do, I very well know I will be shown the door...

Actually to my credit I try treating people equally.. I call them "meeru" or amma if they are younger to me, always a mark of respect and thanking them for helping me out even when I pay them for getting the tasks done.  When I first came back to India and came in close contact with my relatives.. the first thing they would say to me after staying with me for a day is "you pamper maids rotten.. if you treat them like that they wont listen to any of us, they will start demanding the same".. ekkadunchevaallani akkade unchaali and all that stuff.. I just turned a deaf ear.. now that I knew their value after staying abroad for my short stint, it came to me naturally.

But obviously a majority of them to date have proven to me that I was wrong and the relatives were right.  When I am the only one being different, they think that I am a fool and can be taken for a ride easily.  I understand things and just let them be because they are not a big deal.. but that to them is a sign of helplessness, dependence and cant-do-without-us so they are bearing feeling.. phew!!!!  Majority of them have taken me for a ride, not once but time and again..taking away my faith in people.. maybe it is not the hired help and everyone else but these are the ones I interact with most of the time, so I get back into my old shell.. i am not bossy but I am not all caring, trusting and robinhood types. I still show them respect but make sure I get the work done, no mincing words when coming to it and most importantly no extra money dealings or hanging around longer than their work hours demand... no treating like family members, just as hired help that is it.. It is the case of once bitten twice shy or maybe bitten constantly and shy forever!!

But there is battle inside me questioning about the hypocrite me, the values I set aside and then retract on with certain bitter experiences.. and the biggest question looming large over my head is what I should teach the kid.  The kid already is taught to treat them equals, shower the love, share and care, and she is made to do little chores for them and she does it happily.

I just wish by the time she is old enough to understand the differences in social strata like I do, there is no such thing like that and all are equals... it is dependence of people on each other that forms a society.. it is this interdependence that runs the system smoothly.. if only we can bring in trust and faith and sincerity in both the parties involved, some small fraction of people like me trying to consciously ignore the divide will move along more freely and not think about this like I do now..

When I call some person for a job, he takes the advance and there starts my running after that individual and such things really really piss me off...

Just hope for equality AND WISH I CAN SAY IT FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART... yes, i accept it wasnt from the core all the while otherwise I would not backtrack on it no matter what.

Oct 25, 2010

A cute little forward

 Varuna shared this one in TIA. Never read this one before.

A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs!The farmer replied, There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy! So the restaurant Owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, Well... where are all the frogs. The farmer said, I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise! Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark.Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking. Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.

It is for a good friend of mine she has shared this but it is true for so many of us.  When I was going through certain things, it seemed that everyone was opposing me real bad and I am up against the whole world, I still feel so some times but now I know, they can only croak and try to scare me which I wont be, so why lose my cool when I know fully well what I want and how I want to go about.

Some things from the past suddenly zoom forward like monsters out of the blue, it is a battle then.. but a short one.. as the time passes by, the battle becomes shorter and the victories sweeter.

I will do what I want to do, so do it peacefully without any attachment.. I dont need to convince anyone.  If I am convinced I am right JUST GO AHEAD.. there will be half the group all the time opposing whatever I do, no matter what.. they are fixed about that and I am fixed on doing what I intend to... so why everything in between... FOLLOW YOUR HEART, DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND NOT HARM OTHERS.. AND YOU ARE GOOD TO GO!!  Keep the mind clutter free.. it helps!!!!!

Oct 24, 2010

Vamsee, Nenu Naa Raatalu

I write so much that it got to my head and I decided to check if I could write something at all.. nothing big, a short story or story-like thing.  I love to read, earlier I just used to focus on books, now I read life and people and believe me it is quite intriguing and a beautiful thing to do.

We fly high when we come to think of our abilities or at least I do, then have this dip in confidence levels for a moment when I realize that it is just not up to mark... hmmm.. one of the aspects in which I should change.

I wanted to write something like Vamsi.. This man to me was an enigma.. came to know him through his movies.  The time I got to know him was not the correct age to understand him I guess.  I mean movies like Sitara, Ladies Tailor or typically his genre of movie making is something which cannot be related to my childhood movie watching habits.  As I grew up.. there was this teasing quality to the posters of his movies like Maharshi, different posters, silhouette image of the director, just a profile picture.. what is he, who is he, young, old.. how does he look like is what I used to feel.. he generated that curiosity in me.  I used to love the songs in his movies, even now.. he has good music sense and he has also sung a couple of songs in his latest movie which I am yet to see, maybe in TV some time.

But there was always this love-hate feeling.. I mean there was this curiosity element as to what this guy will come up with next time but also I hated Krishna Bhagawan, Kondavalasa, and troupe type of cheap and vulgar comedy.  In his movies, the lady is highlighted, she is shown beautifully at the same time in some angles she is prone to some crude jokes as well which did not go down very well with me.  I did not read his famous pasalapudi kadhalu.  He intrigued me but not enough to go about searching info on him and it was the case until he started "Maa Diguva Godaavari Kadhalu" in Swathi weekly the magazine I love to read.  It was when I had time to read them and understand his style of writing.. flow comes easily to him, it is as if he is talking to you and narrating the story, the slang of local people, no big telugu words just plain usage and touching various aspects of human feelings.. initially, lust was the only feeling he seemed to hang on to all the time, everything or everybody he wrote about on in the village series had some or the other physical need angle to it.. First I hated it, why does he see only that.. then gradually I began to understand that it is how village life is all about, money, power, lust are the three basic things that rule the lives of people in it.

When I read his stories or interviews in magazines like Swathi or Navya or anything written by him, I had made an impression about him... The mental picture I had about him is he is an observer, an intense guy, a guy giving loads of philosophical advise without asking for it.. I thought he would be a dominating, strong guy with a mind of his own.

Thanks to Saradagaa Kasepu promos there were his interviews left right and center... err.. a few and got to see him in person and even caught him on Open Heart with RK.  This is yet another time when it was proved to me that being judgmental is just not right.  This man is no where my mental picture.. he is soft, he is child-like, he is lost in his own world.. "bholaatanam" antaaru kada I dont know the english word.. he seemed to be that character personified.  Very plain, very honest, very cute in fact.

So, that is about Vamsee and Me and how my understanding grew observing him and his works... so indirectly I got inspired by him to write and sat about writing.

When I sat to write a lot of things happened, I sat about writing about something about my grandmother or a woman like her and then started building on thoughts.. gradually grandmother faded and a new woman emerged, a new story or nothing related to reality, some character and I was drawn into another world with it rather than dragging the character in my world, it was a good feeling.

I have read so much in the recent past that after I wrote it I felt I was reading a story written by someone already.  I was like.. okay, I read it somewhere.. did I copy it subconsciously from somewhere.. where exactly did I read about it, how come it got replicated here.. so many people have written so much already and I have read so many stories.. did it come out of my own original thought process or did it come as a mix and match of everything.. no idea.. I have not written earlier, nor do I know of anyone who is a writer so I really really dont know..

Like I say, my thoughts are influenced by what i read, see gather and ponder.. so everything seems mixed up... anyone who writes happens to read this do let me know if it is normal!!!

Oct 23, 2010

Rakta Charithra 1 -- My Take

One movie I watched with a lot of expectations, one movie I HAD to watch first day first show but as usual went the next day because of concern about controversy and some untoward events.. so what is the verdict..

As a person, I admire RGV's guts but of late as a movie maker I am just beginning to feel one thing "GANDARAGOLAM"... bratakataaniki savaalaksha maargaalu, evarino uddarinchanu naaku tochinattu teestaanu ani mondigaa cinemaa teestaadu, choosina choodakapoyina, aadinaa aadakapoyinaa teestoone untaadu.. ataniki cinema tiyyadam passion, newslo undadam kooda passione, naaku evaru pattaru annattugaa untoo eppudu newslo untaadu.. siggulekundaa nirbhayamgaa oppukuntaadu malli chesindaanni... okka maata cheppali ante veedadoka type antey.

I happened to watch an interview of his in some channel the other day regarding the Bejawada Rowdy title for the movie where he claimed that he is going to make a movie, he has not told any one who he is making it on, so no point making an issue about it until the time it is made, because I have not taken anyone's name.. AGREED, ACCEPTED, UNDERSTOOD.

In case of RC.. I was confused as to what is fact and what is fiction... basically he showed the root cause guys as good people, one carried away by some vested interests and then people fighting amongst themselves in the name of pride and self-respect and all that stuff.  I have never been to any Seema districts, neither do I have any idea about how life is there, what it means to be staying there.. faction is something which I see in TV or in news, no handson experience.  Heard about Paritala Ravi because a relative of mine worked as a DSP in Anantapur and is close to that guy, so obviously heard only good things.  The time I heard about him, the things I heard about him made me an admirer to him.. you know Robinhood feeling.. saamoohika vivaahaalu, nammina vaariki praanalivvadaalu, gatra gatra... I have heard about him only through people who had soft corner for him, maybe community wise, maybe realestate wise, maybe politics wise.. and like I mentioned I liked the way Sunitha is composed despite everything and in fact loved the way she reacted to the movie making and stuff... So, in a way, I am biased.. I have heard only good about him, never bothered to dig up info on him, just had good feeling and still have.. dont ask me why.. just an impression.

So, I was watching out for it.. now I am confused, I dont know if it is fact or fiction.. nothing seems related, no familiarity, no proper casting, no proper voice over, everything about that movie is a mess according to me.

No doubt the actors in the roles are SUPERB!! but as a Telugu audience watching a movie based on a guy from AP, I would have liked to see people with South Indian features.  The characters are loosely based on the controversial people.. it does justice neither to the characters nor to movie making.. nothing has turned out well.. Vivek is too good and so is Asish Vidhyarthi.. Zarina Wahaab is a brilliant performer and so is Shatrughan Sinha, but to me they are total misfits as characters they are potraying... Telugu jaati gauravam, antoo party pettina leaderni present chesetappudu Telugu raani vaadini, dubbing kooda ado maadirigaa cheppinchadam too much.  Sunitha Ravi relatives, it would have put the hero in a great light because her parents gave her away willingly to him... why should there be a love angle in a serious movie? 

Why is NTR dragged into everything... a new party by a cine hero, the bomb attack, okay... The time line in which Ravi entered politics is way too late after TDP was established, the killings depicted in the movie were during CBN regime, way after the demise of NTR, Ravi had some good contacts with YS and his family to be precise his father in an attempt to keep a check on JC, so the hand party lies are way too obvious..

RGV loses me with his unbearable voice over.. God!!!! Some dubbing artist, some solid voice, some voice with emotions, some strong voice with clarity, anger, enthusiasm would have been good... it was as if some one woke RGV from sleep to finish the dubbing in a hurry.. the voice over killed even the little enthu I had left in me... sighhhhh

Everything is convincing had it been a fiction movie.. if he had maintained a stance that it is based on some imaginary characters, why give them names other than with the intention of raking up a controversy!!  I do not blindly support NTR but total lies is not something I expected from RGV.  We were in the times Ravi was alive, NTR was alive so if not completely we know to an extent and understand it is a mockery of events and nothing remotely real.. but what is he trying to prove.. I fail to understand..

His reaction obviously would be.. watch it if you like, it is my take, my work, my passion.. if you dont like dont talk about it!!

With all this do I wait for RC-2 on Nov 19th... not really sure, maybe yes, maybe no... am still reeling under the impact.

Oct 22, 2010

Bangaaru kondaa.. The Real Gold??

marumalle dandaa... :)) ani nenu Simhalo baalayya gurinchi padatledandoy!!

I am talking about the gold mania prevalent in my community.  I have no idea about anyone else but Kamma to me to a large extent means gold collectors, especially the ones from Krishna Dt.  Gold is no doubt a precious metal, good to look at, good to wear but when I see people loaded in that, it only reminds me of one thing.. gullo ammoru or the image of goddess.  Anything in moderation is good.  I love the stuff, I admire beauty of any form including the exquisitely carved jewelry but what gets on to my nerves is the comparison, that look of oh.. what you are not interested, really?? or is it the case of sour grapes.. and these are not the words spoken behind the back but on the face.. phew!!  I am not against acquiring gold, am not against displaying, am totally pissed off when this display ridicules others!!

My intro to this term gold was not until very late in life or maybe to be precise not until my 10th class or so, not until my cousins and their parents started display in a rather obscene way I should say.  We come from a very low middle class family, not digging deeper into the roots.. by the time mom was born and brought up my grandparents were just about surviving basking in the old glory, refusing to give up old lifestyle but still struggling every bit of the way and mom was never into gold and things.  For her life was all about getting us convent educated, making us hep and see to it that we are not lacking in food, clothing, or education in any which way.. it was her goal of life, means not counted just the end result, the kids should not lack anything and they should progress, her meaning of progress was academically and nothing else.. so coming from there, we always had extremely good clothing, good education, books and nutritious food everything basic.. yet had to be worked really hard for.

In that struggle of self-betterment, we never even visited anyone else, no functions, no get-togethers nothing, it was a different world.. suddenly the inevitable ones started happening, immediate cousin's functions where attendance was an absolute must, since mom never moved, we had to go with grandmom.. it was there I saw the display, made to feel bad for not even having a single chain in my neck "bosi meda," in fact to the point of ridicule.  To me, it was all new.. in that age, I felt bad, got angry on mom, why the hell, why do we need the best of clothes, branded ones, why not some gold, why not those fancy slippers, why these paragon hawai chappal when tiny kids have a lot more fancier ones.. impressions, early impressions which left a mark... those remarks, comments, those stares and looks, the way they changed jewelry with every dress, the way they had all those discussions in front of us.. way too much.

The first thing I did when I got a job was to save money and buy some gold, not too much.. just the basic stuff a chain, a bangle, a ring and a few ear rings.. then the collection grew gradually, nothing absurd just basic requirements so as to not get ridiculed in the society I am forced to move in.. a short necklace, a long necklace, a bracelet, a watch and a few rings that is it and I am done.  I have them all but I hardly put them, there was a time when I loved wearing them or maybe I thought I loved to because of the impression that if I dont wear them, people might think low of me (cant help it, impressions again)... I still remember the day when my grandmother cried because people were making fun of me.. I cried because she did then.. I actually bought gold for her, to show that she need not cry any longer.. I dont really blame her, it was the way she was brought up, it was the way she wanted me to be, it was the way she could not take it any longer... or maybe she could when it came to her and could not when it was me.. dont really know..

It was just one phase.. Now, I dont really care... I am beyond such stuff.. I have them, Gold to me is a source of investment, some thing to help me in time of need, something to sell off or pawn if need be, not a society status symbol.  I have it but I hardly put anything on.. people look at me head to toe and ask me what is wrong, I say I dont really want to.. some think I have lost it, some say it openly, some smile behind me, some bitch, some advise.. but all promptly falls to the deaf ears..

Now, the focus has shifted to the LO, they say okay if not for you, you have a daughter now, start gathering stuff for her, it will be tough to get it once she gets old, you need to keep piling it up for her.. EXCUSE ME, all that is mine is hers and if she really wants it, she needs to earn it for herself.. adorning self with jewels is superficial.. I want her to be the gem in reality, walking gold.. high talk.. let us see how far you succeed!!! well, this is what I get to hear, but I really dont care.  I have enough, but then again how much is enough.. I see people with 200 tolas each of gold and silver and yet buying stuff.. good for them.. but what is good for one need not be good for me or the kid, so PEOPLE KEEP YOUR ADVISES WITH YOU (I am tired of saying this on their faces, yet no use)...

It has such a long time for me to mature, to let go off, 25 yrs. of life wasted with a tiny little crib.. the fault of mom I see now is that she did not really bother to explain what the real gold is for me.. she, in her own world, had no time to put my fears and insecurities to rest and make me see the real world.  When I was cribbing for something I did not have, she could not really take time to tell me what I have and what I could make out of it...

So, my focus now is to bring the gold in the child out and not adorn her with gold... money and ornaments are byproducts of a lifestyle.. they are wants and not needs.. roti, kapda, makaan and in that order.. not just for me but the people around me.. having a heart of gold is what I prefer to having a pot of gold..

It is marriage time in the family and such discussions happen and this post is a result of one such discussion, bringing up pent up feelings.

I accept gold is precious but golden heart is priceless!!!  I value money, now a lot more than earlier but never more than being human.

Oct 21, 2010

kiraana kottu

I have been and maybe am still a victim of attractive marketing ploys.. when the monthly expenses shoot up all of a sudden, I just wonder about the cost of living and get going but these days I am on a major cost cutting spree since I need to plan up for pre-schooling and then schooling of the kid which is screaming out loud EXPENSES.. like I always say chaduvukune rojulu poyayi.. chaduvu koney rojulu vacchesay..

I usually get groceries from More Super Market in Gdw when I go for the doctor's visit for the kid or me.. these days more often it is me since it is only quarterly visits for her now or the vaccination ones.  When on the cost cutting, I just opted for the nearby kiraana shop or local grocery (nonbranded shop).  I usually have a glance in the kitchen and then pick up stuff as I move through the aisles in the store but here I had to make a list and then the shopkeeper keeps everything ready in a bag to be carried home.. no home delivery nothing.. just standby as he packs it and pay and get it back home and store away.. good old way my grandmother and mother used to do.. something which is new to me but it really works.. expenses have gone down tremendously.. in fact half of what I spend monthly.. phew!! I understand now, when I move across the aisles I end up buying stuff I dont really use, most of the groceries are used up but the snacks, new items, steel and plastic stuff or something I never use buy just because of packing or MAYBE will use category.. stocked up in the cupboard only to give away to school kids later on just thrown away due to expiry date.. sigh...

Quality wise, they are on par with the so-called clean packing and price wise there is a discount on MRP of each and everything and the friendly chitchat gives you an idea as to what is happening in the village... like they say "aamke aam gutliyonke daam" :)))..

I dont know how long I will be here in the village but as long as I am here.. Kiraana Kottu Zindaabad!!!

Oct 20, 2010

Chor Machaaye Shor

In our village there happened to be a theft the other day, every one was busy talking about what happened, how it happened and when it did happen..

As usual the aides got in the information passing around.. the items lost were 2 copper buckets and 3 copper pots.  It was not much really if you ask me, they were very old in fact maybe around 40 to 50 yrs. old, placed in the backyard and the lady of the house sleeping when this happened but it was enough to put everyone on their toes and get their lazy act together and make sure they place things in lock and key at night.  The thieves were caught, they were the village hopeless jobless guys out to sell them for some quick money to play cards and buy liquor.  The police were promptly informed and the group put behind bars.

The high drama from the time the theft was discovered to the time the people were kept behind bars is what caught my fancy... the otherwise careless me also got cautious..
**called the labors to cut down the branches of the trees that were leaning down enabling outsiders to get into the compound through them, a task which was long pending.
**Ensured even buckets and tumblers are put in and locked at night.
**Ensured that all the doors and even windows are closed at night.

and I was getting tense as to how to provide more security to the house.. then suddenly I remembered my grandfather whom we used to laugh at for doing such things.  He used to be very cautious even about the door mat saying that okay we can buy a new one no big deal but why be careless about the one existing and waste money on a new one. To me, at that time he was being miserly, wasting his time on trivial things, worrying about useless stuff.. what is it that I am doing now..

I remember this classic event when a neighbors house caught fire... people were running here and there trying to put off the fire whereas my grandfather was busy pouring water on our thatched roof house so that it does not catch fire from the flames next door and began to get valuable stuff out of our house.. at that time, I was like.. what???? why is he not helping the other men put out fire at that neighbor's place?? why??  Now, I know.. the other house is almost burnt down to flames and everybody is focussing on it.. if something were to happen here it would only spread to other houses through ours.. he was just being cautious in his own way, maybe in retrospect I think I would have done something similar.. like getting kid's valuables out first and then get the kid and myself and people to safety and then think about the neighbors..

Time brings about change in thought process.. now I know firsthand!!

Oct 19, 2010

By The Water Cooler

Parul Here has put up a contest to promote her new book.. in fact second book.

I take it up not for the contest but to pass along the information about her book.  Grab it if you can lay hands on it!!!

Contest Rules
* You need to write a post telling a story or an anecdote based in an office. It could be about you, your spouse, kids, neighbour, whoever - it just needs to be based in an office. It can be funny, serious, somewhere in between, but it needs to be based in an office. It can feature a single protagonist or multiple characters, but it...yes, I know, you got it.
* You need to link to this post
* You need to put By The Water Cooler in the title of your post
* You need to leave me a link to your post in the comments section
* If you don't have a blog, leave me your entry in the comments section and it will be counted

PRIZES - Five autographed copies of By The Water Cooler are up for grabs. The five best entries will be decided by the esteemed M so please remember to pick up your grouses with him.

LAST DATE - October 31st, 2010

My anecdote

It was way back in 1999, one of the first days at work, was really very young, was in the first year of my graduation, novice, knew nothing about office or anything outside the house, village, school and intermediate college.

We were still trainees, learning Americanisms and stuff like that in prep for launching medical transcription in the organization.  It was huge for me, posh and everything was new and spotless.. a lot of computers at one place, a furnished lobby for visitors, a library, a water cooler area with hot, cold and normal water facility (it was heaven for me, a change from simple middle class life of a steel water filter and a glass).    Water cooler was without doubt my favorite place in the office, where I would play mixing up cold and hot water or just play with the taps without even bothering if people would laugh at me for such silly games...

A new training division was being built and part of it was still under construction but was inaugurated on the day of Dusshera. which is a festive occasion in the office, just for that day it was opened up for everyone and cleaned up.  The only thing functional at that point was the water cooler which was at the other end of the visitors lobby from where there was a signboard hung saying "Rest Room - Men." and the direction pointer painted next to it. 

I was there with a couple of equally educated ignorant friends like me who did not know rest room meant a "bathroom" wondered out aloud if only men were supposed to take rest at the end of or in the middle of the working day.  If we were to just wonder aloud and leave it, it wont be ME right, after the water games were over, I went ahead and followed the signboard and opened the door to realize it was the loo for men :(((... and just then a few guys seemed to pass that way looking at me suspiciously (or so I felt) and I am sure they must have laughed their lungs out once they realized what I did!!!

It is one of the most embarrassing as well as funny incidents in my life from the times back then where I did not know anything about anything at all.. to me rest room meant what it meant literally a room to take rest.. and bathroom was the only word associated with the loo, no idea even about loo!!!

It seems gross now though.. but I miss the innocence of those days!!!

Oct 18, 2010

Hatsoff Chile

Just about when your trust in humanity begins to wean off certain things happen which resurrect it to an extent.

In my own world, I havent really thought much about the outside world just happened to see Maruti Rao garu's post on it and read everything about it and felt real good about it.. True, a small nation like Chile not giving up and the world coming together to achieve this task, superb!!!

Wheezing real bad... cant really think of anything to do let alone post, so a quickie here for the month!!!.

Just hoping to sleep it off and wake up fresh tomorrow.

Oct 16, 2010

A new beginning.. Alma Mater

I came across a place called Alma Mater where there is a web cast live streaming of Master Mind.. nothing overtly spiritual, nothing overtly training training, some talk which makes you want to listen.. the talk from 6:45 to 9:15 on Sundays..


some excerpts from the discourse.

willing to subject your intelligence by willing to be able to learn from higher intelligence.. subjecting intelligence to training is vital.

certain maturities can be groomed only through experiences of life.. it cannot be born out of listening to speeches, discourses.. it is just that they give us a trigger.

isolating legitimate disturbances and validate the concerning ones and then slowly mature through experience..

no instant transformation, no magic, live the transformation from within you.. for quite some time and not just as long as the impact of the speech remains. and that transformation should be spontaneity.

Law of impermanence should becomes a part of you and there should be acceptance.

A kid's is a love of dependence and as they become secure and more mature, it just lessens and that is when the mothers feel that withdrawal tinge.. just loved the way he made me see the point with plain and simple words..

Accepting the other as the other is love.

Going through definitions of love.. awesome!!

Delivering excellence.. work becomes my reflecting mirror..


An eventful day

Indian family system, the functions, the festivities are really something.  I am not from the time where everything is as it looks.. I mean, if I am told that there exist a time when there were joint families and someone was the head of the family and almost 30 to 40 people lived under the same roof, and all lived happily ever after, then I am like.. it is all trash, the usual Indian hypocrisy.. there was nothing like that ever, that is because I have not witnessed anything close to that in real life.

In this day and age where talking to another person is considered a waste of time, it is getting tougher by the day.  I wonder how my grandparents could have 4 to 5 kids and bring them up when our parents struggled with two and we just think about stopping with one!!!

The point of the post is, the relationships today, not the immediate blood relationships or maybe some times even them are all so hypocritical and superficial, things rarely come from the heart and there is always something or the other to pick a bone with.. jealousy buried in deep layers, conflicts covered with plastic smiles.. on the surface.. all is well, everything is fine, we are a family in this event but the ground work is so tedious.  If it is a task to arrange a function, the task of managing egos is a thousand times tougher one.

I need to keep a tab on my anger, I need to stop people from invading into my personal space and eat into my precious time I need to spend with my daughter, I just need to break free of a few more things before I take a breather.

When I see people doing nasty stuff for property and I listen to it day in and day out, I just feel like shutting them out forever.. It is time to move on in life, a change in place is a MUST for wholesome growth of the kid away from emotional pollution.

Oct 14, 2010


Body Mass Index.. this was a term of concern for me.. well, that was in the past.. now it is one thing that gives me nightmares.  Earlier when I used to trip and fall down which is almost always, it was like get up and get going.. now I get up but to get to go it is such a pain, the muscle cramps and all... what the hell... I need to go down.. I NEED to go down.. I NEED TO GO DOWN....

Tomorrow is an event we all were looking forward to for quite some time, my cousin's engagement.  I so want to do everything for her as I just remember what a bundle of nerves I was, trying to put everything together in every which way.. pheww!!! Some painful memories which I realize should not be stored up but gone through and get it done forever.. when I put something off in anticipation of some problem, it only becomes magnified a 1000 times over and even the shadow scares me to death... CALM, RELAX AND IT IS ALL OVER...

Oct 13, 2010

If a child lives with..

If A Child Lives With. . .
by Dorothy Law Nolte

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

This is one chart which was hung at my doctor's place when I was a kid, I did not understand it fully well back then but I used to search which category I belonged to each time I was in his waiting room which was quite some time back then.. there were no appointments and neither did we know that we could barge in and the doc would see (phew I digress).  I used to try to figure out each time that what I needed till next visit, sounds funny but that was how it was.

Now, yesterday when I was in the bus, I suddenly remembered Dr. Seetaram, his waiting room and above all this quote chart which I so loved.. so come home, google it and store it on the desktop is what I do now.. a little guideline chart for parenting.. what to and what not to do.  IT is easy to put up such charts but very very tough to provide such an environment devoid of our own personal emotions in it all... God has given a blessing called motherhood, if only he could give me something like sainthood to be able to practice it all.. phew!!


Tired, did nothing really physically just drained by emotions and thoughts, people around me, their unwanted influence on me...

IF AND ONLY IF there is a reset button to life..

IF AND ONLY IF incidents stop haunting me..

I am just not able to appreciate new beginnings with open heart... I guess when I think I am healed, I really haven't.  It is only when I am put in those situations do I realize it takes a lot more effort on my part to erase memories forever.

It is just that I don't recognize myself any longer.. the new me.. the masked me.. the defensive me.... the ruthless me.

Oct 11, 2010

Parenting.. Challenging.. phew!!

Came across this cute little video through a friend in FB.  I have seen moms do it and somewhere in the bottom of my heart I see myself doing this too, maybe it is embedded in mamma genes, nagging I mean.  But on a serious note , I would not want to be doing something like that ever.. not at least every day.. each and every word this what I would certainly be telling to the kid at some point but I just pray that I need to do that only once and not every day as the mom in the video says.. seriously, I hated nagging all my life...
DO this.. Do that
DONT do this or that
Look I said so.
When you will ever learn.

and believe me, even though I did not dare to roll my eyes I hated it to the core, I used to curse her under my breath and wish I could put her on mute like the TV at times :).. even after all these days, if not to that extent, it still does continue.  I dont resist it as much as I did and surprisingly I understand her a little.. but at what cost, the strained relation??? Nope, I cant even bear to imagine my daughter thinking that about me.. I just had a mini stroke even at the thought.

It is easy to say that I wont tell my daughter anything, I will raise her without ever hitting her once, screaming at her, I will never do what my parents did to me but in practicality it is a lot more tough, they were humans too with loads of stressors to deal with.. if not the work pressure outside, pressure at home front.  How is it that we actually convey something to children, in a friendly, happy way.. it takes loads and loads and loads AND LOADS of patience to get it straight but once a strong foundation it is there.  I think somewhere down the line, it is trust that is very very important in a parent/child relation.  Trust that the parent has the kid's good interests in mind when telling something and trust on parents part that kids indeed trust you but are just being playful.

Here, I think that the prayer that my mom used to make us do every night before sleeping is implemented

God!! Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference.. Yes, plain wisdom as to when to let go and when to hang on.. If I scream shout and make a big issue of a simple thing like not putting things back in their appropriate place, I will only invite a lot of resentment and resistance even for very vital issues.. so I think I should learn when that subtle difference to let go when it should be.

I appreciate kids who by the age of LO recite rhymes, point to all the alphabets, week days and stuff like that and kids who are prodigies but it is just that.. appreciate.  I will give the kid the direction and a little push, present her with opportunities but NEVER EVER force her to something because I want my kid to be the BEST.  She is the best when she was born.. she is best now and she will be the best without my living her life for her.  I am just a guide and a mentor with a lot more caution right now as to what to expose her to and what not to and provide her cues as to what she can possible do and it is up to her to pick them up and gain momentum from there on.  I will put in efforts to teach her stuff but not by the method of rote, something she would happily, something she would really really want to do from the bottom of her heart.

I really dont know how far I would be able to accomplish it, but I will most certainly try to.

To me she is not a kid even now.. she is my equal, she knows, she understands, she feels, she cares.. it is good parenting that is vital to a good society, the values we give today.  I should practice and then preach, I should never show tiredness or my hurt and resentment towards anyone in front of her.  She is soaking everything around her in that mind of hers.. the foundation blocks are being laid and cemented every second, so better provide her with the best and the rest she will build on naturally.  Right now, I am a screen to her to filter out harmful vibes for a wholesome growth..

This simple video triggered a never ending thought channel for me... how about you.. pour in your views..

Oct 10, 2010

Kiss of life

I am not talking about mouth to mouth resuscitation here.. yesterday, the kid was running around playfully and just climbed on my outstretched and half out of the bed legs and burried her head in between them while I was sitting on the Deewan cot, .. with the kid's weight and impact it was too much to bear for a moment, tears came out even before the scream from my mouth. could not move the kid or make a sound as the kid might fall getting scared at the noise.  In a playful mood, the kid looks up saying bowww and sees the tears, gets down immediately and kisses both my legs and face and wipes out the tears with tears brimming in hers without any prompt saying amma oppi poyi!!!! How do kids do such things.. caring comes to them naturally, it is my duty to retain it... awww, a moment to die for.

I crib no one really cares, someone who matters the most to me does!!

If you look at me, you know what it means when they say bloating with happiness..

asala oka rangelo gundelu baadesukuni maree santoshapadipoyaa.. ayababoye, entinta dishti pettestunnaanu... irugu dishti, porugu dishti.. cha chaa one and only amma dishti.. dhaaam aipovaali.


I want to write a story, a short story, something, some fiction.. after writing so much about I me myself, I really want to write something. I have been reading a lot of books in Telugu and interacting mostly in my mother tongue to get the kid used to it consciously. Anyways after joining the school she would be bombarding me with English and only English, so I want to lay down a good foundation/base for her in her mother tongue, both script and spoken.

I have never been a story reader earlier or let me say I never really got an opportunity to read good short stories, Leo Tolstoy and Jeffrey Archer were the only 2 authors who I read the stories of. Back here, Vamsi, a telugu writer/movie maker got me sucked into stories, showed me a whole different world. I seriously need to do a post on this man who made so much of difference to my thought process. some time soon, some time during this blog-a-thon or maybe the very next post.

I am itching to write something, something in my language.. a first try.. do pour in your views..

Kadhaambudi ani nenu raayaboye kadha/kadhalaki peru kooda pettesukunna.. enduko teliyadu nenu raayaali anukunnappudu immediatega ee maata madilo medilindi.. Sudhaambudi laaga Kadhaambudi annamaata.. so nenu raase kadhalu anabade picchi raatalu anni akkada untaay aa labelo.. naaku telusu meekandariki Chantabbay lo Sreelakshmi gurtostundi kada.. "nenu kavini kaadanna vaanni kattito podustaa" annattugaa.. tappu ledu naaku kooda alage undi mari.. kani nenu nenu kadaa raayakapote elaaaga raasestaa, kaayitaalu aite chinchedaanni mari lappy kada emi cheyyali keyboard iragestaa lendi..

Englishlo kooda twarolone oka drabble raayali mari.. ento rachayitalam aipoyinaaka life yama busy aipotundi kada ;).. enni raayalo :)))... chaala chaala cuttinglistunna kada, akkada chadukondi, commentlu marchipokande.. ledante nenedo chinchesaa podichesa anukuni raastoone untaa.. mari mee ishtam.

Check here for my bulli bujji budingi kadha...

PS:  Drabble means extremely short work of fiction, exactly one hundred words in length.

Oct 8, 2010

Giving and Taking..

I had this one dream of adopting a kid and giving them life (this was exactly what I felt back then).. but then gradually I have come to understand that you don't give life to some one.. life just happens and you just happen to be a part of it for good or for bad and now it gives me creeps when I hear the word "giving life to someone."

I was full of dreams back then, am still but now I know to segregate the real dreams from what is actually practical and then go about working on them.

Adoption, something really sacred and noble in my opinion. I am yet to come across someone who has done so not because they cannot have one for whatever reason but who has adopted despite having a kid of their own or just decided not to have one consciously. Maybe there are people out there but I havent met them in person. One reason, I absolutely adore Sushmita Sen is just this!!

In my dream of adopting, I found that I am not alone, a lot of my friends (back then when we were not married) wanted to actually adopt a kid and give birth to one.. there was so much of emotion and passion when we spoke about it, so many stars in our eyes. That to us was something really noble, something we all wanted to do with real feeling. So, 10-15 yrs. down the line, what has happened.. the group who wanted to adopt kids gradually dwindled, sadly practicality has sunk in, the resistance from families took an upper hand and the dream buried deep down in the chaos running around the biological kids, families and their well-being.

Back then we did not know about it, we thought we could just walk into an orphanage or a home and bring a kid of choice to home and then stay happily ever after. The actual procedure got clear to me when a friend of mine adopted a girl baby and then passed on all the information because I was looking for the same. The waiting list, the background inquiries and finally handing over the kid is a really really long and in fact at times a painful experience.

I have also known people who went all the way and then backtracked because of the questions raised by the agencies.. like you okay with kids of criminals, you okay with kids of any caste, you okay with kids of any religion, you okay if the lineage is unknown, you okay with kids inflicted with diseases and stuff like that.. this also is good in a way because they had to put up and actually come up with genuine answers before they take the plunge for life.

The long list of legal proceedings in not helping either.. I have known through my gyn about cases where the unwed mothers or mothers of girl child give away the kid just hours after birth and the willing couple getting themselves registered as the original parents in the hospital records (anything is possible here) but here there is a scope that the biological parents go claim the kid after a few years or months.. there have been such instances brought to our notice thanks to the media which makes this possibility scarier.

I have seen people who give up on the thought gradually.. first bowing down to pressure of elders giving birth to one and then dreaming of adopting the next one when the time is right and then getting cold feet due to the doubt whether or not they would be able to treat both their own and the adopted kid equally and IF AND IF they could not why spoil that kid's chances with someone else. As human beings, we are prone to our weak points and at times lack of self control, so it is pretty much understandable.

I am the most stubborn person which I have come to realize of late, people kind of penetrate even me with questions so I dont really look hold it against my friends for backtracking on their word, they just did the right thing.

I am not really being judgmental about anyone but me here. Keeping aside the fact whether or not we are capable of re-creating life and whether or not we want to, I certainly entertain the possibility of adoption and all the more so after the kid. It has given me the insight as to child rearing, the emotions that come with it, looking at other kids after seeing mine in flesh and blood in front of me.

How prepared am I at this point is the question and nothing else.. financially, it is a distant dream as of now.. practically, there are few things that need to be wrapped much before I actually even think about it.. emotionally, it would be overwhelming with so much of opposition with a few decisions in my life as it is, not that I do really care but I do not want to add on.. so as of now, at this moment a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig NO. So, it is the kid and me who are going to take the collective decision down the line and get the light of lives home.. it is a dream, a distant but certainly a practical one.

Having a kid of my own will really help with taking on another one. I would have to deal with a lot of emotions if I were to just go and adopt the kid without having mine. There are times when I get frustrated with some things about the baby, I curse myself for having gotten into this full time but then it is momentary. I still feel guilty but I have come to agree that it is normal, it all human, if I dont feel that I would be perfect which no one is. I am much more equipped to deal the situations of sickness and panic. I know what is normal and what is not and it would help to keep a tab on myself. Getting a kid home is not like getting a pet or an accessory home it is like it is going to change our lives forever and ever for all the people involved, me and both the kids and the well being both physical emotional of them both is linked to mine in an inevitable way.

With all my friends finally giving up on the idea and just me hanging on it with a lot of hope and positivity, it is left to the time to see who wins, the actual ME or the influences on me!!

I am a mom first

Finally, I have to accept that all the mom nerve centers are up and active full time these days.. Before anything, I am a mom, both consciously and subconsciously.  I have to go to the nearest town for each and everything and it is not new for me to go leaving the kid with my mother.  I have watched a couple of movies also without her but never felt this way.

All through the movie, one kid crying, one kid on screen, one mobile ringing, I kept checking mine.. it was LO in front of my eyes, what would she be doing now.. has she eaten, is she playing, is she running around, is someone watching her.. phew!!   I could not wait for the movie to get over and see her.  I should have taken her out to the movie as well at this rate but then if she likes it I cant imagine me doing the same exercise time and again because she is the one who manipulates me to get whatever she wants..

 I walk around, see some stuff and run into the store to get it for her.. i see a baby on the road she flashes in front of my eyes.. this proves I AM A MOM FIRST!!! It was not like this earlier, I actually wanted some time off from parenting full-time but now things have changed, maybe because she is shadowing me all the time, checking on me every 5 minutes and I am really used to being around her.  Now, I really dont have an inclination for free time or even if I do she is a part of it.

After a gap of 3 long years, a Mahesh movie releases Khaleja and I thought since it is the holiday season it would be jampacked, so did not go yesterday and went today for the noon show.  I did not want to read the reviews and go biased, so did not check the net.. just called up the theater and asked them to keep 2 tickets aside and went there.. the show was houseful, no seats left but they filled gradually, no long queues nothing.

Coming to the movie, it is a movie for Mahesh fans (imagine Swathi saying this in her tone in Ashta-Chamma).. he is his best, man! the genes are at play getting younger by the day and yum yum yum :).. Subba Raju is good too.. Anushka as usual is cute.. people say she looked elder to Mahesh but then to me they looked okay and with the story line and the comments on her being strong and fit along the way she suited it more than anyone.. yum yum yummy.. on the whole, the movie was an eye candy.

I loved the song Sada Siva.. but the picturization was not my kind.. hearing it in DTS on large screen is good :).  You can watch it and but really like it only if you are a hardcore Mahesh fan like me.  His dialogues are cute, snappy, sweet.  I loved the first half for comedy, second half for him and the song. You can watch it once!!  IT is a one man show boss!!

Oct 7, 2010

Money Matters

I see people saying money does not really matter to me, it is nothing, insignificant. I think they are mahatmas if they say that and really actually feel that.

Money is one thing we cannot live with and cannot live without as per my experience. Sadly, money is everything which determines how life and death happens to a human being. The events like birth and death too are very much decided on how much wealth one has. The life and the course of it is also determined by it. It is not an exaggeration to say that one single factor that determines the fate of an individual is money in this time and age. No wonder people kill and die for that money.

To each individual the importance of it may vary to a degree but it is truly vital.. as for me, money has been the root cause of many problems in my parents' lives, so the importance of that was known to me very early in life. The way people treat us based on financial status is something that is really bothersome. I do not understand why the difference and what the hell?? Relationships are dictated by it, life runs on it. If I spend cautiously I am a miser, if i spend lavishly I am a spendthrift. I save each and every penny make a life for myself people admire me, abuse me, doubt me, respect me but will not just ignore me.

When I am in a soup, people stop by to talk to me, offer words of encouragement, throw a little more stress to the already existing ones.. all superficially but if and if they were to look after me for a day or even an hour they will calculate what it is to them.. "naakenti" mentality!! I dont say everyone is like that every time but by and large that is the case most of the times. Forget anyone else, I am neck deep into my own issues that I do not really stop by to see what is happening in lives around me.. I may feel sorry, offer some verbal support, maybe a meal at times, a little money at times but nothing beyond that because I am scared if I do that they will turn up daily to me and I need to do save up for my daughter's future and keep ourselves afloat.. we have our reasons.. we certainly do.

Siblings fight amongst themselves, cousins bay for blood for property, love?? where is it when it comes to money issues. If someone were to offer me some help, maybe even genuine I would eye that person surely with speculation and suspicion.. why?? what is the hidden agenda?

Why is there so much of inequality.. when my kid gets the basic needs why is it that the kid next door cries day in and out of hunger.. when I run around my kid to feed her, why is it that some kids run around to get fed??? when I have a roof over my head.. why are some people taking shelter under trees.. money!! how much does one actually need.. how much will make me content actually come to speak of it. Around me, the birth of a child seals the fate of what he is going to be 20 yrs. later as to how he will be and what he will do.. times are changing but the change needs to be in a right direction.

I dream of money at times, loads of it so that there is no poverty, but just basic needs for everyone.. anything else they need to work hard.

If I have enough to have a house of my own, unlimited nutritious food, healthy and hygiene surroundings will that satiate me. Will I be content. I am not really sure, maybe I would still end up wanting a little more.. for now my wants are just my needs. When the needs are met, maybe my wants will become my needs.. MAYBE.

I place relationships above money and at the most avoid getting into any financial transactions with any of the people I am close in whatever form.. once I did and got into trouble which makes me once bitten twice shy.. never EVER EVER!! Once the money is out of your hands, you either get is bits and pieces or you wont get it at all in the time of need, so being cautious is the key.. no need to lose the person as well as the money. At no point would I choose money over a person but if someone does, they should expect the same from me as well.. we get even!!

Day in and day out, I lose money in many ways sometimes I feel bad about it, some I dont even stop by to bother because NOTHING really matters when it comes to being human.. it is when I am taken advantage of that I become a hard nut to crack.

Money confuses me, I do not eye anyone else's but I am cautious about mine.. nothing wrong according to me but still people who have to say something will say something.. No matter who says what.. to me definitely not more than relationships but surely and most certainly.. MONEY MATTERS!!

Oct 5, 2010

Tum Itnaa Jo Muskuraa Rahe Ho

A painfully slow and soft song by Jagjit Singh is yet another song which I love to listen to for the lyrical value as well the music and the voice rendering it.

Just wish someone were as understanding of the pain and give that comfort.. I do have my own inner comforting zone but it does help to have someone really close to the heart say that to you.

Movie: Arth

Tum itna jo muskuraa rahe ho -2-
Kya gham jisko cchupaa rahe ho -tum-

aankhon mein namee, hasee labon par -2-
kya haal hai kyaa..dikhaa rahe ho -2- -kya-

ban jaayenge zeher peete peete -2-
ye ashq jo peete jaa rahe ho -2-

jin zakhmonko, waqt bhar chalaa hai
tum kyun unhe chhede jaa rahe ho... -kya-

rekhaaon kaa khel hai muqaddar
rekhaaon se maat khaa raheho -kya-

Check HERE

Meraa kuch saamaan

This was one song which meant love and yearning for the lost love to me through the growing years.. could empathize with the lady in question and feel some of her pain. In reality, I usually pull down an iron shutter when it comes to emotions when they are hurt and move on not even look back now. Life does make you different than what you actually thought you would do.. sigh!! unexpected is another way to describe life right!!! You turn out eventually to someone you would have thought strange at some point in life :).

I still like this song but both the heart and the mind asks the girl to move on and not to think too much.. the practical mind winning against romantic one or the cynical mind winning??

Movie: Ijaazat
Singer: Asha Bhonsle

Mera kuch saamaan tumhaare paas padaa hai -2
oh! saawan ke kuch bheege bheege din rakhe hain
aur mere ik khat mein lipti raat padee hai
woh raat bhujaa do, meraa vo saamaan lautaado - 2

mera kuch saamaan tumhaare paas padaa hai - 2

patjhad hai kucch ... hai na???
oh ! patjhad mein kucch patton ki girne kee aahat
kaanon mein ek baar pahan ke lautaayee thee
patajhad kee wo shaakh abhi tak kaap rahi hai
wo shaakh giraado... mera wo saamaan lautaado - 2

ek akele chhataree main jab aadhe aadhe bheeg rahethe - 2
aadhe sookhe aadhe geele, sukha to mein le aaye thee
geela mann shayad bistar ke paas padaa ho
wo bhijwaado, meraa wo saamaan lautaado

ek sow sola chaand ki ratein... ek tumhare kaandhe kaa til - 2
geeli mahendi ki khushboo.. jhoot mooth ke shikwe kuch
jhooth mooth ke waade bhii sab yaad karaado
sab bhijwaado, meraa wo saamaan lautaado - 2

ek ijaazat dedo bas.. jab isko dafanaaoongee
main bhi vaheen sojaongee.. mein bhi waheen so jaongee..

Check Here

The more you want...

There are some things, tiny little things that give me immense pleasure like shopping items for kitchen, little keepsakes, toys.. etc.. not too costly things that give me joy.  The pleasure becomes multifold when I save money and buy an item for the household.. be it an onion holder, fruit forks or a small thing.. I love saving up for it and then buying it.

Today was a real hectic day with running around the doctors for the kid and then shopping for mom's 60th birthday.

One of her wishes was to have some nonstick items, so we go to this huge steel house in the locality which has got kind of everything that is made of steel and nonstick.. phew!!

There was this one thing that I saw which gave me a huge lump in the throat... a family was buying household items to start a family to give away in the marriage.  They were from a poor background, maybe infact economically backward class.. the whole stuff came upto 5K which was maybe 25% of their entire wedding expenditure but the father, mother and daughter along with aunts and uncle picked up each and everything from a spoon, tea glasses, to bucket and soapbox for the bathroom.  I loved that moment, I loved everything about it.. the simplicity of it all.. the stars in the bride's eyes, the satisfaction in the father's heart, the happiness of the mother to give the child whatever she wanted to.. everything, loved it to bits.

I was not jealous or anything like that but did feel bad for not being able to do any such thing as a family.. I still remember the way I used to cry when the laborer near the construction site of the house took the kids to the shop and buy them whatever they wanted after a hard day's work, I remembered the way I cried when  I had to buy the wedding saree by myself.. remember feeling like an orphan, remember never wanting to return back to the family ever... I remember all those moments when I just cursed my unwanted existence.  Strangely, never jealous just too damn angry!!!

But strange are the ways of the world, what I had craved for the whole of my existence, in a way I am taking the very same thing away from my daughter.. !!! but again the point is you take away something IF and IF it were to be there in the first place.  The more you go looking for love, the more it eludes you.

Oct 4, 2010

Big Boss - 4

I have followed 1, 2 and 3 seasons and just started the 4th season yesterday.. The third one was a total boring one, hoping the 4th one to be a little better.  The theme for the reality show is that 14 people begin their journey in a house, stranded from everyone and everything else, no watches, no phone connectivity nothing.. nothing other than the people that are thrown in together.

It is the show based on the lines of Big Brother which made Shilpa what she is today ;).

Loved the intro yesterday, the house is awesome.. the inmates vary from a dacoit, a thief, a lawyer, actresses, models.. etc.. more of glamor thrown in be it the girls or the guys.  90 days and the count down started yesterday.. Among the lot who would I want to win.. hmmmm.. for the starters just a blind wish.. Swetha Tiwari!!

It indeed is tough to stay there sane, surviving in the politics, plotting, planning, handling brickbats, accolades with grace and still come out beaming with pride and not showing the dirty side to the public.. tricky and challenging.. looking forward to some excitement in the coming days.

What would I do if I were to be in that position or will I accept it for whatever the money involved in it or whatever self-control testing that I get to do there... No, not really.. each moment with the kid right now is priceless, each single moment.. no matter how much I need the money, things can take a backseat for a while, all that I need for now is those moments.

It might be staged, scripted or whatever but I find it interesting to see what isolation can do to an individual and how they turn out to be under that pressure.

So, good luck Sallu Miya (love you loads)... Got to see Dabangg and tere mast mast do nain.. and yay, there I go watching it on TV just turning a deaf ear to the mom cribbing from behind as to why I watch that nonsense at all... with so many people trying to make me see some sense (each in their own way), some nonsense sure is going to do me some good... heeehaaaa (the wicked grin!!!).. so there I go, to have dinner and get set go for the events of day 1 :)..

Oct 3, 2010

Social Networking!!

Well, of late I have realized that social networking really made me the most unsocial person to mingle with in person.  I am in touch with almost all the friends who use the net regularly but it has been like ages since I spoke with someone who doesnt over the phone leave alone pay them a visit.

I crib that I am stranded in a village where the only people I get to see are oldies and the helping aides.  It really has been ages since I had some one-on-one intellectual conversation with anyone in person.  A friend to me is always  a click away.. when I sit about to work, when I feel low, when I am on a high I reach on to the lappy and reach out to the friends.

It is good in a way.. but the results are a bit too taxing on my body..when I wonder aloud about why I just dont seem to reduce the tummy after the baby or why I keep on adding kilos to the body fat, I seem to forget that if I am not with the kid, I am in front of the lappy.  Some days, the only exercise I get in a day is for the fingers (typing that is)..

I would certainly feel like a fish out of water without the connectivity.. the job zone, the think zone, the entertainment zone, the communicating zone, in short the life zone has only one epicenter.. my "lappy".

I need to break away gradually, slowly but steadily.. limiting the time to an hour a day other than for the job for the starters!!

Oct 2, 2010

Me and Gandhi

No, we are not contemporaries, nor was I even born by the time he was assasinated in fact neither were my parents but Gandhi is one phenomenon who in a way has touched each and and every Indian since his being on this earth.  We have our favorites in each and every aspect.. to me the style of Bhagat Singh and Alluri seemed right, rebellion, anger, courage meant heroism to me.. even now it is but I do appreciate the calm strength and the power it has.  I also appreciate good marketing strategy of his followers.. we celebrate Oct 2, Nov 14 but hardly remember any other date... maybe a September 5th somewhere and how many of us know or remember that Lal Bahadur Shastry shares the birthday with him...

Chandu here kind of echoes what I personally feel to a large extent.

Gandhi appeals to me more as an ideology than as a person. I mean I do not fully agree with a lot of things he has done and in fact given a chance to change one thing in the history or go back in history and witness, I would without batting an eyelid go back to the Gandhian era and check out a whole lot of things and get a firsthand view of the man and see the fate of India being decided by this man. No, I dont believe autobiographies, biographies, historical records or any documentation, they to me are just biased notes.

To me, he is a very good leader.. Gandhi and Hitler are probably 2 people I would admire completely and totally for their ability to hold on to masses and their thought processes. Agreed, both of them are poles apart but it is that quality I am in awe of, the ability to make people see and understand what they believe in and have followers who would do anything and everything they asked to do.

Keeping the political interference of Gandhiji and its impact in shaping up our current India apart, I respect him tremendously as an individual for being able to preach and practice nonviolence, his experiments with truth, his self-restraint, his mass appeal, his determination.

His relationship with his wife, he as a father, he as a friend, he as a mentor to an entire nation everything about that man is a lesson in itself.. be it the best or the worst he got it all.. like everyone else he has different dimensions to his character. He is a human after all and I am no good to judge on what is right or wrong.. To me Gandhi is mortal with virtues and flaws but Gandhigiri is immortal and pure and serene. It is the need of the hour, that ability to show the other cheek, that relentless pursuit for what we believe in and the fact that the means are as much important as the end in itself everything to me only make us a better individual!!

This day, as the nation celebrates his birthday.. I let go a few of my inhibitions, my earlier biased opinion kind of shadowed my ability to see his virtues, now with so much behind me in life, I know and understand to let go of a lot of things and cling on to the best!!

I like Gandhi, I like Gandhigiri.. what I don't like is the "Gandhis" who have emerged from nowhere still holding on to the last name which I really really don't understand how they got... and as I type this I realize what the bone of contention between me and my liking Gandhi was or is... it is not the man, it is the last name that is the culprit!!!!!   True he was the original but by the time I appeared on the scene in this world it was the others who ruled.

Oct 1, 2010

Common Wealth..

Kicking start the posts for the month for NaBloWriMo...

I am not really too much into what is happening around me.. consciously did not want to get to it 'cos I happen to take things really personally and raise my already risen BP to new level.

Common wealth games and all the hoo haa about it.. what is new?  We host the games this time, we clear the city to make it look good, we want to show a pretty face of our nation to the world and we dont really care about the ugly shadow that raises its hood..

and why do we all suddenly want to breathe down Mr. Kalmadi's neck... why cant we just ignore it like we do with everything else?? why dont we just consider that the involved mistook the meaning of "Common Wealth" and just happened to take a bit of the wealth that they thought was supposedly common to be shared among themselves... wouldnt it be easier that way...

So what if it is public money that is at stake.. but again isnt it always the public money, the hardearned tax payer's money that is stashed away in swiss banks and hidden safely on binami properties?? so, what is new??

So what if we happen to witness some dirty games before the actual games and the game spirit gets into the air.. we cant do anything about it now and cant just stop anything..

Why dont we accept the fact that we will just forget it in a day or two after the TRP-hungry channels get something else to scream about.. maybe a day or two. we go to sleep thinking about okay finally maybe they will be put behind bars, maybe they will be ashamed and maybe no one will do it the next time fearing so much of an exposure.. but no, nothing really happens.. the next day we happen to wake up to something murkier, dirtier, nastier and this one is not even heard.

What is the use of wastage of so much of paper in print media and space on web media!

I would love to show the beautiful pictures of the stadium both indoor and outdoor to the kid, the beauty of it all and hypocritically say India is the best.. we give the best... people should learn hosting from us and all that stuff.. but the problem is I really know what is beneath that show of hospitality and what it took to put that facade on.. It kills everything that follows to me how much spectacular the event might turn out to be!!

I don't really want to sound derogatory about my nation or the people in it.. I love it and the essence of what I am is because of my nation but sometimes I fail miserably defending the wrongdoers.

For Evil Eyes on LO