Foreword

There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

Ref: Chichkoo is what I lovingly call my daughter, kiddo my brother, amma and taatee my late maternal grandparents, and OA is the other adult in the family.

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Feb 28, 2010

Have a Happy Organic Pollution-Free Holi

Holi is one festival I really really enjoyed as a kid, the Gulaal, the color water, the egg throwing, water dips, being beaten by mom for getting colors all over again after a complete wash... the whole festival has "total masti" written all over it... The 2 songs in Chitrahaar
"Jai Jai Shiv Shankar.." and "Rang Barse Bheege Chunarwaali" was all about holi :)...

However, back then we lacked the consciousness about surroundings 'cos no one actually taught us...

So, guys when you celebrate holi make sure you use natural colors and not the ones with chemicals in them.
Yellow -- grind the turmeric.
Red -- You get red chandan.
Green -- dried and ground mehendi.
Brown/deep brown -- coffee, tea decoction.
Eggs/Egg Yolks - for yellow, sticky jelly white :).
Water..
Beetroot for that gulali pink.. or better still mud and clay :))))))...

Good for skin, good for environment... why not try this this year???

Yes, yes, yes, yes kiddo will be splashed with all these colors along with the mud that she actually likes going into tomorrow....

Happy Holi, happy colors, happy bhang, happy drenching, happy moments and loads of happiness.. :).

Feb 26, 2010

Love is in the air...

Something I did not know until now just made me catch my breath for a while and send a silent prayer to the one above...

LO wasnt feeling too well a while ago, so the kids were prohibited to hold/play with her for a while 'cos she would infect them and also due to the hygiene factor for the kiddo. We had to rush the kid to the hospital a while ago because of severe fever and they saw us leave by the car.. it seems they all went to the Hanuman Statue near by, prayed for the kiddo and put the Sindhooram/bottu on the door of LO's room. They religiously visited her all the days, wished her from outside the mesh, played from far and went away and we kind of got busy with my job and her getting back to health routine... the lady who cleans up the statue area told me in the morning that the kid is blessed, I was like what??

But yes, truly blessed is she and blessed am I... She is doing good now, how can she not when she has so many blessings.

Kids are so pure and kind.. what is it that changes them as they grow up.. if each and every one retains this kind of a feeling after growing up, why would there be any sorrow at all..

It is so true Kids are little Gods... My heart filled with a feeling I had not ever experienced and tears are filling up the eyes constantly after a long time not because of sorrow but out of thankfulness.

Too much of love musically...

There are some songs which you just fall in love the first time you listen to them.. this one comes in my unending loop list for today...

I actually chanced up on this song by hunting for Gangotri papa on you tube (that is how the school kids call the LO, it seems she laughs like that baby and they just cant stop calling her gangotri papa), all the babies are just too cute but you know that proud swell when your kid gets those compliments, top of the universe... and these matter the most when they come from little children who love the kid to bits (touchwood, touchwood, touchwood) and to me all those kids laugh like Gangotri papa too, too many milk-teeth grins vying to hold the LO and play with her, so this is for the Gangotri gang :).

From the movie Gangotri, it is really really sweet.. I flicked off some verses for my blog for the LO :).

vallanki pitta vallanki pitta mellaga rammanta
chinnari paapa ponnari paapa todundi pommanta
tanu navvindante inkem kaavali
nidarotoo unte tana pakkanundaali
ee bangaru paapanu kantiki reppaga kaachukovali --vallanki--

garisanisamagarisa sagamaninipamagama
papamaga mamagasa gagasanisa

chiru chiru maatalu palikevela chilaka dishti..
budi budi adugulu vesevela hamsa dishti
venelammalaa navvevela jaabili dishti
jaabilammalaa edigevela dishtichukka dishti
irugu dishti, porugu dishti, naa dishthi, devuni dishti
edisthi tanaku tagalakundaa nuvve choodali --vallanki--

Aataladaga chitti chetilo bommanautaa
aakaleyaga bulli bojjalo buvvanautaa
snaanamaade challani vela vednelautaa
ekkekki edchevale kanneelauta
nestaanannauta, guruvu autaa, panimanishi, tana manishautaa
ne cheppe prati maataku nuvve saakshyam avvali --vallanki--

Vallanki pitta vallanki pitta mellaga rammanta
maa manchi paata simhadri paata manasaara vinamanta
tana tiyyani paate amma paade laali
tana todu unte adi deepavali
maa iddari sneham vardhillalani deevenalivvali...

and they sing the Jejamma tune from Arundhati with the kids name, what do I do for them for sharing so much of happiness with us, I guess nothing can equal theirs...

awesome kids, they do make our day, mine and the kids that is :).

Feb 25, 2010

Melodious Evening

My evening had been melodious thanks to a goof=up at the CD store, I had gone to the CD store on the way back from hospital to get some rhymes and story cds for the kid and ended up getting 3 of them of which one had a Kishore Kumar Video Songs in stead of Telugu rhymes... so me and LO ended up listening to them nonstop for 3 hours... she is the swing, me next to her on the floor both of us weak and tired from the recent illness but with a heart filled with happiness to have each other to hold on to and just be content in listening to the music with the cooler on.. Thank fully, the power did not ditch us in this moment of musical togetherness .

And yes, how can she not have a few favorites :)... of course the foot tapping ones like... Sanam Teri Kasam, Nile Nile Ambar mein, Om Shanti Om, Pag Ghungroo baandh, Apnito Jaise Taise... the beat songs as usual... so there we go enjoying our choice of songs and enjoying each other's reactions.. isnt this the closest one can get to happiness :)... I am really really not sure if she will allow me a sneak peek into her choices and likes once she is fully grown but for now we enjoy our time together and a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig touchwood to the power of infinite.

Man, this guy Kishore Kumar rocks... masti, melody, sorrow, comedy anything turns out too good in voice. To me, he is the most versatile of all...

A few of my picks from the evening.... of course each and every song from the collection as good but these are my personal favorites heard after long.

Movie: Agar Tum Na Hote

Hamein aur jeene ki chaahat na hoti -2
Agar tum na hote, agar tum na hote !!Hamein!!

Tumhe dekhketo lagta hai aisey
Bahaaron ka mausam aaya ho jaisey -2
Dikhaayi nadeti andheron mein jyoti
Agar tum na hote, agar tum na hote !!Hamein!!

Hamein jo tumhaara sahaara na miltaa
Bhanvar mein hi rehte kinaara na miltaa -2
Kinaarepe bhi to leher aaduboti
Agar tum na hote, agar tum na hote !!Hamein!!


Movie: Dharmaatma

tere chehare mein wo jaadoo hain, bin dor khinchaa jaataahoon
jaanaa hotaa hain aur kahee, tere aur chalaa aataa hoon

teree hire jaise aankhen, aankhon mein hain laakhon baaten
baaton mein raskee barasaaten, mujh mein pyaarki pyaas jagaaye
toojo ek nazar daalen, jeeuthhe marnewaale
lab tere amaritke pyaale, dil mein jeene kee aas badhaaye
chalpadate hain tere saath kadam main rok naheepaataa hoon --tere--

jabse tujhko dekhaa hain, dekhke khudaa ko maana hain
maanke dil ye kahataa hain, meri khushiyonka too hain khazana
dede pyaar kee manjoori, karde kamee meree pooree
tujhse thodee bhi dooree, mujhko kartee hain deewaanaa
paanaa tujhko mushkilhi sahi, paaneko machal jaataa hoon --tere--

Movie: Golmal

Aanewala pal jaanewala Hai -2-
Hosaketo is mein zindagi bitaado pal jo yeh jaanewaalahai

Ekbaar yoon mili maasoomsi kali (2)
ho khiltehue kahaan pushpaash mein chali
dekha to yahin hai dhundha to nahin hai...

Ekbaar waqt se lamhaa giraa kahi -2-
Wahan dastaan mili lamha kahi nahi
Thodasa hasaaka, thodasaa rulaake pal ye bhi jaanewaala hai..

An evening well spent after really really long......

Feb 24, 2010

Current Shock...

Nope, I did not get that electric jolt by current itself but from the power department in AP, to be more precise Krishna district...

The official power cut is yet to be announced yet round-the-clock we have power cuts ranging anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 hours. The phone is always busy/engaged, I doubt put aside which I had noticed a couple of times I had been to govt. offices. So, when there is such a cut, we are at loss to even find out what is the cause and how long is the cut. Since I work from home and I have limited power backup for the desktop and no laptop, I need to know and let my office know as to my work hours. So, no need to say my work has gone haywire and me searching for reasons to be with the kid and not work readily jump at the given opportunity (I digress).

I get hold of the concerned AE from the Electricity Department and get him to pick the phone somehow.. conversation goes like this.. mind you, the power cuts have been in existence since about a fortnight..

Me: Hello sir, I would like to know if there is any official power cut or any reason for such frequent and too many cuts.
AE: Yes, we got official orders a couple of days ago for 2-hour cut.
Me: But sir, they are way beyond 2 hrs and too random ranging from 2 minutes to 2 hours at a stretch or sometimes even worse and it is not yet summer.
AE: Yes, I am aware, that is because we are not receiving enough power.
Me: Okay, then arent we supposed to increase the official power cut time.
AE: Errrr.... yes, but I dont know.
Me: Okay, what is the OFFICIAL time?
AE: 6 a.m. to 8 a.m.
Me: Today, we got the power at 11 a.m. and it is 12:15 and again the power has been gone for half an hour.
AE: We are not receiving enough power.
Me: Okay sir... we dont mind any cuts as long as they are scheduled.. we are used to around 6 to 8 hour cuts but we made arrangements back then, cant there any such provision now.
AE: No idea.. not in the near future but the cuts will increase depending on the power generation.
Me: I perfectly understand sir, but who do we approach for this just power save current cuts without any time.. last night we had a cut from 11:30 p.m. to 3:45 a.m.
AE: We had not received power.
Me: Who decides to cut the power when there is no power.
AE: Department.
Me: Can we have some timing so that we all can be prepared, I am sure it is not just me who is suffering.
AE: I understand it is good but I dont know.
Me: Can you let the the village power guys to maintain a timing at least there must be infants and kids and this is peak mosquito season.
AE: What are you talking madam, how can I tell them... official power cut time is just 2 hours.. the rest we are saving the power to provide you with current rest of the time...
Me: %$^(*&(*&>(*P)(*#$@!$#%$^&. (searching for something hit my head on).

One can gather from the gist of the conversation that the power cuts are mostly in the late evenings and early mornings when even the sunlight goes missing. I can count on fingertips the number of houses with inverter/generator in the village, around 10% have charging lights with say around 2-4 hr. light backup only, and the remaining 89% or more of people depend on oil lamps... so, it is the kerosene which is vital right... if all is well, then why crib.. from this month the village white card holders just get 2 L of kerosene for the entire month.. Reason almost all of them have gas stoves thanks to the Deepam Padhakam, okay we cook on it, but what about the lamps $#^&%*&^&*^(*&*&)(*$$%^^^&&*&... and most of them still use kerosene stoves for water, cooking, etc.

I fail to get the logic behind the kerosene allocation.. corporations get the highest where there is the lowest amount of power cut or the lowest number of kerosene users, mandals get the next and villages where they need it the most get the least... it beats my understanding...

and yes, I am working on the inverter right now after applying leave for today 'cos there is no hope of power coming back soon and I need to save the reserve for fan and lights just in case we go power-less the whole night... (yes, that happens frequently as well.. sigh).

Feb 23, 2010

I had been


This past few days have been of whirlwind type... so much happening yet so little of use... so much of unwanted stuff, so little of control. At some point it looked like life would come back to square one where it began around a couple of years ago... but it was just a fleeting though and after a quick re-grouping of thoughts and course of action, there is a lot of stability. If the balance tilts just a little after a calm for a while, it seems like a storm but in actuality there is nothing even remotely that can affect the status quo.

I had been doing a few things as a hope against hope of some good for the kid but honestly I dont want to be with that feeling of "DOING SOMETHING FOR THE KID."

So, what has happened
LO sick, me sick, mom sick, unwanted visitors, unwarranted intervention, unnecessary drama and eventually the much needed stability and clarity.

However, work takes a back seat because of lack of peace mind but there comes the strongest of strong resolutions in my life... NOTHING/NO ONE can break me.

Had been doing some reading, playing with kid, met a very good friend/colleague of mine who came by to visit the kiddo with loads of goodies and tons of love... yes, yes, yes... we both are starved for that extra care and pampering from close buddies, thanks K :).

This one poem by Ravindranath Tagore from Gitanjali kind of brought back to my state of mind at some point in time...

Let only that little be left of me whereby I may name thee my all.

Let only that little be left of my will whereby I may feel thee on every side, and come to thee in everything, and offer to thee my love every moment.

Let only that little be left of me whereby I may never hide thee.

Let only that little of my fetters be left whereby I am bound with thy will, and thy purpose is carried out in my life -- and that is the fetter of thy love.

This is what I understand from this verse, maybe I dont get it all, maybe it is not what the author actually meant, it might not be even close to that... but to me what I gather is...

Gist:

It would have been enough if you had provided me the confidence/state of mind to say that you are the fruit of all my yearning and waiting in my life or maybe my lifetime earning. I would not have wanted anything else. It is enough to have you in my life. It should be you that I see all around me and within me. You do something to make that happen. The entire feelings of love are just for you and please let them be. Do not take them away from me with your harsh words/unthoughtful deeds. Let me not stray away from the sweetest feeling of you and me and just us. There is nothing more that I would want from you. Fill my heart with just your feelings, be my heartbeat and the lifeline. Give me a mind that races with you and your thoughts always. Let those chains that bond us together be there just like that, do not disturb them.. let me be in your service in your love and always with you in my thoughts... just bind me with your love.... there is nothing more I ask for.

*****

They say love makes life beautiful, but I guess at times loving someone who doubts every single one of your motives would leave you drained and loveless after a point or maybe even heartless... , un-reciprocated feelings finally take their toll on an individual if the only thing one does is criticize, Criticize, CRITIcize, AND CRITICIZE...!!! So, in my experience if there is so much of negativity when one reaches out with a lot of love, there are two things that can happen, it either destroys the individual giving out the love or the feelings of love in that individual.

Feb 16, 2010

thwack thwack!!!!

The mad mad momma turns real bad today when in a play mood with the kiddo who is feeding her something with so much of love and playfulness, bites off the finger in all the rough-housing in stead of the snack.... the baby shrieks in pain but seeing the momma in tears, holds her own and starts feeding her again and wipes the tears with a smile in the tear-filled eyes and the word "amma" on her lips..... "hai mein mar jaaon" moment again...

Lesson learned "forgiveness" and true love... arent kids the know-it-alls who gradually forget everything as they grow unlearning all the wisdom.

Did I say, I sometimes wonder what did I do to deserve so much from her...

Feb 15, 2010

Sets me thinking...

Chicken soup, no I am not talking abut the nutritious chicken soup for the palate, I am talking about nutrition for the soul... it is amazing going through those books.. give them a try if you still havent. Just one story a day and it will surely make a difference in the way you have been looking at things so far.

My latest one is for the mother's soul... one story a day, not much.. one step at a time.

There is one story about locking people out of your life, which set me thinking my approach to people and relationships. I go out and give the very best in every single relationship be it just an acquaintance or someone really close but if and if the effort is not realized and when pushed into a corner either by force or with lies which may partly be unintentional nothing to intend any harm but constant lying for no reason other than just trying to be good in front of people just gets on to my nerves. I just cannot bear that. I take it to an extent, I try to ignore, if it is a person who has no impact on my life, fine.. let them be whatever they are.. but if it comes to my being forced to act in accordance to their wishes, I just burst out after a while. I just lock them out. I try the best not to confront them or indulge in them just plain and simple but if they try to push me further, they see the worst of me. I constantly try to lock them out completely but looking at the other angle, okay I lock them out of my life but with kiddo is it okay. I am confident she can do pretty well without the so-called relatives with something on the mind and something on the tongue attitude but most of all I feel rotten to be put in such circumstances. I will leave the kid to her choice once she is old enough to know good from bad or at least let me or her father know what is happening with her and around her depending on with whom she is at that point.

Locking totally is just not possible in some cases, especially with the kid involved... am I shielding from what I think is bad and making her vulnerable and should I just let her be and face it out from the beginning... pccchhhh... that is the reason I dont want to think about locked statuses :((.

Feb 13, 2010

Uffo!!

Anni unna alludi notlo sani ani evaraina vinnara... alaagundi naa work paristiti ivvala :(.. I get up at 4 a.m. after the usual feedtime for LO to work to find BSNL link gave up on me. Well, if it was completely giveup I would have slept blissfully, it is in a teaser mode, you know come and go and come and go, so there I am waiting up that it will be stable some point.. those who use modem/router mode to access net via BSNL will know what the wait for the second yellow light on the modem is like :(((.

I cant login to the office network with such instablity and I keep looking at the modem on the wall and pray that the 2nd light comes alive and stays like that... of all things praying for a tiny little light... phew!!!

It always pisses me off but in the early hours, when I struggle to drag myself from LO's side when she is in her true element, fresh from a good night's sleep and no distractions to just sit and meet the targeted deadline, it really really feels like ugh, grrr..pcchhh.. and what not.. and yes, it takes 30 minutes to post this job after I typed it in the notepad :(..

... and yes, you guess it right, I am going to go back now and enjoy the early morning life coming to life lazily with such peace and serenity along side LO... our own National Geographic in the backyard.. the birds chirping, the sun rising, the blue sky mixed with silver, orange, gray and black shades with cool breeze to complete it all... and with MS Subbalakshmi in the background singing... isnt nature the best remedy for a tired soul....

bubye :).

How Is That???

So, after a long while using the good old template which I loved to bits, I felt it is time for a makeover, do let me know how do you feel about it... YES, can we have some delurking please :).

Sixth year of blogging and about 3 templates later, looks like I have come a long way, gained a lot of buddies and must say surprised and on top of the world to see those few in the followers list who I have absolutely no idea about, but must say... THANKS!!! and those whom I know, the other regulars, oye.. post comments okay!!! and to those who mail me in person, keep it coming, I love to see them.

Feb 12, 2010

Woww!!

It had been a long time since I actually fasted, be it just staying on fruits and water or complete fast thanks to my low BP but today without any problem I could stay put. Though unintentional, I did stay on just fruits and since I had anyways kind of half-fasted, I thought I might as well give the night-out or jaagaram a try as well.. and yay!! I worked whole night and as I type this it is 5:30 a.m., time to feed LO and yes high time to lie down next to her and sleep cuddling her to recharge my batteries for yet another day :).

and by the way, do wish kiddo good health and happiness, she seems to be teething ... err not teething with all symptoms and no signs of an eruption!!

and yes, belated wishes for a happy Siva Raatri..

Did you guys know that on Siva Ratri people give offerings to their dead ancestors near the river banks. There is a belief in this part of coastal AP, i.e., Vijayawada and surroundings that the dead ancestors await at river banks waiting to see if their offsprings have remembered them and gave offering in their name to a brahmin. Well, I did not know all these years neither do I have resources or time to go to river bank so, I just send a silent prayer for my amma and taatee.. I know those guys are just watching over me and now LO too... hang on there oldies will be there some time later.

Jola/Laali Paatalu - 5

Yet another gem of a song..

Movie: Swathi Chinukulu


laalilo.. laalilo
Maa kanti paapa neeve, Maa kaanthi rekha neeve
Naa kanna talli neeve, laali laali jo
ee janmalo nee ammanai, nee aatalo ne bommanai, paadenu prema jola -- maa kanti paapa--

aasalanni dhaaraposi, penchukunna premalo
panchukunna paasame penchukunna bandhamai
kanna pegu mullu vesi, kaanaraani gaadhalo
nochukunna nomuke, neeku nenu tallinai
kalalenno kannaa, nee kosam
kanta choosukunnaa, nee roopam
vardhillali challaga, maa jaabilligaa
vayyarala valligaa, navve malligaa
nee santosham, soubhagyam, nee tallide --maa kanti--

teeramenta dooramaina, teeriponi raagame
gontu daatalenidai mooga raati geetamai
raktapaasamannade rangu maarchalenidai
kalloloni kumkumai velluvaina varnamai
gaali gopuraana jeganta, vinna devatainaa raadanta
ponge enda maavula saage naavanai
krunge gunde loyalo raale taaranai
ninu deevistoo, jeevistaa... nee needanai --maa kanti--

*****
Movie: Krishnavataaram

Chinnari navvu, chititaamara puvvu
cheruvanta seekati sukkanta elugu
sukkanta elugemo sureedu kaavala
sinnari sirinavvu batukanta pandaala

puvvulo puvvundi, bangaaru tallee
puvvunantey mullu ponchi unnayee
manasunna madishokadu eedanunnadu
keedu raakundaanu todundagaladu -- chinnari--

o kanta kanneeru urikenu choodu, o kanta panneeru kurisenu nedu
kanna tallee manasu muripaala velli, kallalo merisenu anuraagavalli

onti malinalevi manasantavoi
vadiloni paapayi vatapatra sai

haayi haayi haayi, aapadalu gaayi --2--
silakalle kulikevu molakapaapayi --haayi--

attaru ledura panneru ledu
uduku neere saalu manaku padivelu
saambrani pogamaatu o sandaama nee agalusukka sogasu addaanikeesu
kanna talliki kanti paapave kaani, kadamaallake kanti nalusuvayyavu
nelapai paaradu baala kittama, nemalikannedira naaku soopamma --chinnari--

Feb 11, 2010

One Word That Scares The Hell Out of Me… Polio!!!

Disclaimer: Expecting Nothing Like Pity, Neither Am I in Self-Pity Mode. I Hate That Word and Pity Those Who Pity Disabled People.

The term polio and myself have become so much intertwined that it is difficult for me to forget it even in dreams for a while. I was born a perfectly healthy child but fate had other plans. I had been vaccinated for polio but that became my curse. Maybe I would have been better off without it, maybe I would have been spared.

No, I am not affected by polio, but am a victim of another different kind altogether. At the age of 6 months, with fever after the vaccination which is normal, but since it was a little high, I had been taken to a doctor who was drunk, the only MBBS in the village and only one in about 20 kms, about 30 years back, got injected on to a nerve which got damaged forever leaving me handicapped for life, stuck a label disabled on my forehead for no fault of mine. I am not paralyzed but I have a limp in my walk thanks to the 1 inch leg-length discrepancy after surgery (fate again!!!).

My parents simply told me it was polio because to their limited knowledge it meant polio because it came on after administering polio drops… but then the doctor who was the cause of it all, had explained everything clearly to me and sought my forgiveness (well, he was just a tool in the hands of God acting out his wishes, right!!!) when I could kind of understand what is what. I was never treated like a disabled girl in the family, no special privileges, treated equally with all the kids but there was this extra soft corner due to that guilty feeling of you know, we brought it on her. This happened in my grandmother’s place and all the mamas and my grandparents feel responsible for no fault of theirs as well. So, I was pampered but never reminded of my disability. In fact up until 7th class, everything was just okay, not even a little difference in walk, I could not put the entire foot down when walking and if you don’t look at my foot, you wouldn’t even notice anything is wrong at all, but then suddenly there comes a bout of typhoid and I suddenly become so weak that I could not walk. The actual despair started at that time. I realized that something was actually wrong with me, I was confined to the bed, I could not walk with both feet, I had to take someone’s support or put my hand on my leg to walk on it, it was pathetic, there was total chaos, total shock, total refusal to accept the truth, all in the mind of a 11 year old girl who suddenly forgot how to walk.

Then came the whirlwind surgeries and resurrection and all that I could walk but there was a limp, because of leg-length discrepancy, world turns upside down, people take a note of how I walk, I become conscious of how I walk and it really takes a lot from a tiny little girl to accept and adjust. Again, since I was good at what I did (studies, extra-curricular academic activities) I was not treated differently. It was just that sports, games, running, climbing trees everything was no longer there but life continued as usual and I gradually came to terms with the fact of life.

I was never reminded of my disability, never made conscious my anyone throughout my entire schooling and even during my intermediate and not even when I joined the office or even at my computer institute. My friends accepted me as I was, they never gave me special privileges, they never thought I was something different than them and thanks to them all I never fell into the abyss of inferiority complex.

But my mom always kept me on the ground, one sentence in anger that she blurted out changed the course of my thoughts and my life.. “If not for me, you would be out on roads begging like other handicapped people!!” I know she did not mean it but it did change the course of my life, made me independent, made me understand what actually people thought of me “disabled” no matter how much they tried to cover it up, I was disabled, dependent on them. Then came out the toughest person inside me and the struggle for survival started, I wanted to be the best in what I did, outrun the otherwise normal or able people and establish myself, which I did.

My hard work paid off and no where was I treated with sympathy ever and most of the times, people don’t even realize there is something wrong with me because there is no visible deformity in any organ, I don’t use crutches and in fact my CEO did not actually know I actually had a limp though we bumped into each other a number of times in a span of 3 years, the limp is so light that he missed it altogether and when he asked me what was wrong with my feet, I was like what???? I walk like that always!!!! and he was apologizing to me a 100 times over telling me it was not purpose he asked that question, he saw me walking a lot of times but totally missed it.. well, what do I say.. it is okay and smile it off :).

The point of posting this now is “The Pulse Polio Drive.” The word and the disease has scared me so much that the day before my daughter was to have polio drops I had a panic attack and the day she had it, I was crying out like anything. I was scared, I was worried that same thing might happen to my daughter. I was scared that something would go wrong. I was scared in a way only I could understand. Everyone around me consoled me You Don’t Have Polio and Your Kid Wont Have It. But I was shaken, broken, and a mad wreck of a person. I did not sleep the entire day, I was watching my daughter, if she would have fever, whatif she has severe fever, whatif she takes after me in terms of bad luck. The rational me said no, everything will be alright but the other part of me was screaming out aloud “anything can happen.”

Looking back, I feel it was silly but at that point, I was terrified, it was like I could die if she had fever but thankfully the kid did not even cry after the IPV and had no fever whatsoever, maybe the little angel understood what her mother was going through and just wanted to reassure that all was well.

I had taken her to the pulse polio the other day and she was happy looking at all the paraphernalia and the staff in the room and uttered a loud happy shriek and burst into peels of laughter dissipating all my fears into thin air and bringing out a new me out of me. I am no longer phobic of the term “Polio” and I would do anything in my capacity to overcome that dangerous disease which I don’t have but it does impact me as much had I been a victim of polio.

LO's little fingers with the mark after the drops were administered.. :).

So, All I would say now is Go India Go, Throw This Disease and Virus Out of The World!!!!

Feb 9, 2010

Dear Daughter - 10

Dearest LO:

Suddenly this morning, when I look at the calendar out of the blue I realize that you are officially 10 months old now, I mean the huge difference that just 1 day makes... yesterday you were 9 and today 10. Like I keep saying very often, I still feel you safely tucked in my tummy, safe and sound and there I see you in front of my eyes all grown up and blooming into a unique individual. Single digits were tiny, the first double digit makes me shudder as to how time is just slipping by.

The moment I realized that you were 10-m-o, I kind of broke into tears, seeing my little baby grow up so rapidly right in front of my eyes making me wonder where has each moment gone.. with all the firsts growing old too rapidly, I feel that raising panic inside me that you will lose all that baby innocence and charm too soon in this world and give in to its ways.

This month passed by with you trying to stand up, gums getting stronger with no sign of the pearly whites to pop up, trying on variety of foods, clothes, games and everything. The rounds that you do in your walker like a planet in its orbit with your bottom raised up like a duck is a sight to watch, soon you will be standing up, walking, and running on your own, no longer needing my prompting or support. Why does it always tug my heart so much to see you learn new things, on one side my heart swells with pride and on the other I don’t want it to happen so soon. I want you to enjoy your babydom a little longer. I want to enjoy this bliss of unawareness, the feelings of looking up at everyone with a smile on your face, that innocent acceptance, that vulnerability everything to remain with you a little longer. There is so much of life ahead to learn and grow, why don’t you take it a little slow.. but I know the very same me would be huffing and puffing and crying if you don’t do all these. Isn’t it so true that your amma is crazy… yes, darling she is, for you and about you.

You have always loved music and it is delightful to watch you have your own choices and in fact break into a jig at some tunes that you absolutely love and surprisingly sing along and coo along... muuaaaahhhhhh.... another "hai mar jaaon moment." The current playlist only has one song "Where is that????" the song from Adurs sung by Jr. NTR which is kind of in an endless loop. It is surprising to note how much you love it, you were burning hot with fever, with no strength at all, not even smiling the whole day taking the life out of me, but just came to life though weak and tired you were happy to hear it.. so my darling, there is yet another reason for me to love that kid Jr. NTR a lot more who made you smile in that painful feverish time of yours... I am glad I remembered to put it on.

You brought that music back in to my life, always with a song on my lips, a smile on my face and a hope in my heart.. this is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge difference from what I was a year or so ago, so dearest angel, the credit goes to you to bring life back to me.

You are a loved child, a blessed kid to have almost the entire village go mad for your smile, that one happy shriek you welcome them with and that one hoot that comes from your month which they say makes their day, happiness giver.. yes!!! That is what you are, aren’t all the babies the same?? Each kid is destined to be one and you my darling are my light of my life, the beat of my heart and the air in my breath but I am so very attached to you in a way but surprisingly enough I am tuned to do what is the best for you rather than what I think is best for you. There are certain aspects though which I still am way too adamant but darling that is for just now, when you realize what is what and what you want to do, you are free to do whatever. I love you but with a freedom and a life and ideas of your own.

I know I am selfish, and I am not doing anything what people say is "so-called" good for you and your future to grow up in certain place with certain people in your life because I do not want to do anything for your so-called good which I dont feel is good in any way, killing my own feelings in the process. I do not ever want to be in a position to say to you that "It is because of YOU I did that" I do not want to get into any negativity and blame it on you. It is too much for your tiny soul to know or understand it but I hope you do some time when you are a grown up like I am.

I have started work full-fledged and you seem to be cooperating well, so more than the quantity it is the quality that matters the most. We play, we do the roughhousing and we kind of have our own language and love display. It is very very relaxing and happy to be able to sleep next to you, looking at your angelic face devoid of any feeling other than love and happiness and at the max hunger, that very special me and you moment, you blissfully unaware of my feelings and content with my presence are drifting in a world of lovely dreams and me lying down next to you watching you and retiring to sleep thinking of how kind the life has been to me and you transferring me the much needed positive energy to sail through the life with you safely way above the deep blue sea underneath and hoping in vain if you can remain the same for ever and ever. Cant life come to a standstill at least for a while when I just have you and you and nothing but you on my mind.

Somehow the number 12 and the age 1 seemed to be distant all the while but with just 2 more months to go, I am yet to come to terms with the fact that the tiny egg that I had seen for the first time on the scanner is a baby now. The baby-shaped hole that you left in my heart before you came out of me is still intact and strangely enough you complete me even with that incompleteness… I know I am a senti fool but who cares like I say I am like that only…

Crazy for you,
Amma.

Feb 7, 2010

Quickie

Did I tell you, I like this guy RGV and his thoughts and words kind of strike a note with me and maybe the fact that we are both rebels in our own way is a common ground and we do have 101 dissimilarities, yet you know you have that feel that you are tuned to like an individual no matter what, it is one of those.... It takes guts to be yourself no matter what and that is what I admire the most about him.

and in his own words the best thing he said in an interview is "naa chaavu ne chastaanu" in an ABN interview a couple of weeks ago with Open Heart with RK. I know what he means 'cos that is what I feel and say too.

and by the way, even though I hate this guy RK for turning a news channel to something like a "Blue News Channel" with majority sex scandal news and stuff, I must admit that he does have a knack to bring out a different facet of an individual to those who watch it, or at least to me.. I happened to watch only 2, ANR and RGV and must say loved them both!!!

Feb 5, 2010

Life Does Not Go Backwards...

Came across this lovely work of words HERE...


Golden words I must say...

The following verse by Kahlil Gibran is something we, as parents, need to remember:

“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.”

Open Your Hearts.....


Please spare a little time from your busy schedule to look into this place called asraah
which tries to bring a smile on the faces that need it the most.

http://asraah.org/index.html

Anything starting from $5 is accepted and for a small amount of 900 rs/- or 20$ the kids are taken care of for a month, so please do pitch in and help them out.

But this past 2 months all of us kind of fell back on sending in our contributions and so did a lot of other regulars and it is very unfortunate that the school has been closed down for the past 2 months due to lack of funds and the kids sent back to their homes who cannot provide them even the basic amenities.

I am sure almost all of us have that urge to give something back to the society or the needy but are kind of drifted along in a monotonous grind. Reasons partly being unsure whether the amount sent is spent genuinely or not and being unable to put in time and resources to verify the credibility of the said organization.

Regarding this organization, this is genuine and a few friends of mine actually have been to that place and help them out in whatever little way they can possibly help. Not much but a tiny little amount every month to keep them floating.

I personally can vouch for it being genuine and say that every penny sent would be used for those kids... not much a little a time but continuously maybe bill pay option or something like that for as little as 5 to 10$ a month or maybe one student a month.

Would be extremely glad if this mail generates even a little amount for those kids.


Believe me, the smile on their faces when they get those bags, blankets, books, food whatever it is that we send, makes our day and makes us feel really good!!!

Please find the donation details at

http://asraah.org/donate.html

THANKS AGAIN FOR GOING THROUGH AND THINK PLEASE!!!!!! less than cost of a burger or a meal in a restaurant for each and everyone of us in my mailing list, is equivalent to a week or more of happiness for them..

OPEN YOUR HEARTS...
nothing much a $10 bill once a month or at least just once a year :).

Feb 3, 2010

When I crib...

When I crib about working and getting back to work after the baby (9 months after the delivery), please do remind me the things below.

I kind of exhausted all the possible reasons to not work and just wait and watch the baby grow before I sat back to work seriously..

1st 3 months of rest is completely acceptable but the remaining are errr....

4th.. she is too small to be on her own, how can I trust her with the maids.
5th.. she is starting to roll over, oh my God what if the maid leaves her on the bed.
6th.. she just started her solids, let me set her eating routine first.
7th.. hmmm.. every thing kind of sets in let me start working, but wait... I am sick.
8th.. the health gets from bad to worse and whatif something happens to me, let me get my health back first.
9th.. okay, it is Time now.. enough is enough.
10th... high-time running out of funds, excuses, and inclination to get back to work.

So, there I go full-time in 10th month finally with a lot of cribbing and more than the baby it is me who is averse to separate and maybe a vast part of my illness was my bodily response to psychological refusal to part with the baby.

I dont go to office, I do work from home, so not seeing her is just a very very lame excuse.

SO,

When I crib on how I live from paycheck to paycheck, I should learn to remember that each of my paycheck is way above what a lot of people earn in a month or maybe even a year.

When I crib on how tough it is to manage home and job and the baby, remind me of
*** the maids who get back to work with an infant in toe.
***the daily laborers who work with their kids playing in the sand, mud, and dirt near them.
***the beggars who go about on the streets with kids hanging in the cloth swaddles.
***the moms who have high-fi jobs and fancy paychecks with an equally high responsibility at the job front.
***moms abroad who need to manage home, work, and kid without any help or whatsoever.

The lady who really really motivated me to get back to work delivered the baby in April just like I did but the only difference between me and her is she got ample of support in parental home up to 3 months and sent to the husband which I lacked but from the day she returned she was managing the home alone, cooking, washing clothes, cleaning, taking care of the baby and also helping with the work of her husband who runs a road-side hotel. My heart skips a beat when I see the baby swinging in a cloth swing or playing on the mud floor with papers, mud, leaves, etc as the parents slog out to earn their daily bread and my lips send up a silent prayer for the much much better condition in which me and the LO are in. We have help to cook, clean, wash the clothes, bathe the kid, play with her and all I do is play with the kid and maybe at the max arrange her clothes/things in order apart from my office work.

Thank you God, when I ask you why.. remind me to ask myself why not??

Where are we staying by the way???

I know my viewpoint would be a little different and would bring in a lot more criticism than the actual event itself.

It is really brutal and disgusting and a blemish in the name of humanity the way the little kid was put to death. An innocent life crushed due to no fault of hers. This particular event which got wide publicity thanks to the media mania is something which kind of throws light on the very unfortunate fact that money rules the roost. It is a triple tragedy with 3 deaths in a span of 3 days related to internal family feuds. Kind of sent shivers down my spine, the sheer heartlessness of it all.

As a matter of fact I personally feel that the father himself has brought it on to the daughter in a way and on himself. The father knowing fully well the family feud did not reveal it until very late. The baby was kidnapped a few years earlier too but returned safe which also came to light only after a while. Papers say he could not digest the fact that his personal affairs were dragged in public by the media time and again also compounded by the fact that his daughter was brutally murdered due to his own doing, that lead to his death...

Of course, all said and done it is anyways too late as the kid was killed within a couple of hours of abduction and no matter how much we blame the laxity of police or whatever, she is not going to return.

Coming to the fact as to where the humanity is leading... it is kind of vanishing into thin air of late. we are no way bothered as to what happens to the person next door because we are way too involved and entangled in our own messes.

The society is in a way responsible for the events that take place in it. If people could dare to do such acts in total public view without any fear in broad daylight knowing fully well the impact of media coverage and police security, it is because the common man on the road DOES NOT CARE.. DOES NOT REALLY BOTHER TO LOOK BACK A SECOND TIME. If there was a fear that someone would stop and they would be brought to instant justice, they wont do it right. I, as a person, am bothered just about me.. I, ME, My family period, so what if there is a person killed next to me.

Who do we blame..
the parents involved in illegal relationships..
the media glorifying such events by playing replaying the visuals with gory details
the police for not being timely
the govt for not bringing about fear of doing something wrong.
the judicial system which drags on and on and on without any result for years together and still come out scot-free??
the political trends which defy every possible moral code?

I would say it is a collective failure from an individual to an institution!!!

For Evil Eyes on LO