Foreword

There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

Ref: Chichkoo is what I lovingly call my daughter, kiddo my brother, amma and taatee my late maternal grandparents, and OA is the other adult in the family.

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May 26, 2010

Fresh Start

It is nothing related to fresh start of life or whatever, it is fresh start of a new work pattern which I really do not know how long it will last...

but I started work at 5 and am kind of winding up right now.. it is really refreshing to work at that time.. maybe if I start at 4 a.m. it would be the best thing to do..  Getting myself to work and being able to finish those target lines has been a biiig task for the past few days, with this damn ear giving me trouble, it is tough to sit about continuously and with breaks I do not really seem to be able to work all that well... It has been so much of a struggle to even make myself sit near the system thanks to the break after that asthma attack :(..

It really feels good to wake up before everyone and set about to work...

inka gaada nidralo unna naa kooturini choosukuni punju kooyaka munde legavadam.. lechina taravata daani koota vinadam...
pakshula paatalu, appude cheekati potunna aakasam rangu...
gudilonchi vinapadutunna paata cinemallo gantasaala bhakti paatalu...
Mandutendallo kooda chaala challaga vacche tellavaarujhaamu gaali..
nenu mundu lechaa anukuntey naakante mundu lechesi gedala deggara subram chesukune paalerlu..
vaakillu oodchi muggulu pette panivaallu, aa paachi oodchina sabdam, aa peda kallapu vaasana, tellani muggu dhaara...
kaavillato manchi neellu todukelle vallu,
asalelaanti motor vehicles sounds lekundaa, tring tring aney cycle bells..
appude terichina tea baddi deggara settle aipoyina oldies gang...



Ayyo naa ooru kooda naagarikata maayalo padi maaripoyinde ani baadha pade naaku... malli naa chinnappati ooru gurtocchindi...

aa nissabdam, daanni cheelchukunte vacche prakruthi savvadi.. chaala chaala bagundi...

priceless....

ippudu kooda pakshulu, chilakalu, kaakulu arustunnay kaani ee vaahanaala ranagana dhvanilo ekkado kalisipoyay.... tellavaaru jhaamu naa chinnatanaanni inta deggaragaa choopistundi anukute malli repu eppudu tellarutundaa ani aathramga undi... rojantaa kooda alaage undocchugaa anipistundi...

Some times...

I really need to improve my tolerance level towards some people... even if we know they are blatant liars, outright cheaters, and hopeless cases, I really should not be bothering about them.  Why the hell should I be rectifying their mistakes.. if they were to listen and change, they would not be the same so long right?? Why correct others when we cannot correct ourselves no matter how much we want to. 

I seem to have this strange aversion to lying at the blink of an eye characters.. what is the need to do so.. why??  I usually never ever even place myself in the same place if I can help it but there are some instances where you simply have no go... just close your eyes and finish your work and go or have constant fights with them.. can I change the inherent character of that person, NOPE, can I ever make that person see reason, NOPE, can I stop her from talking nonsense and all the more lies about me to half the population, NOPE, can I just close my eyes and vanish her from my world... YES... then better do it :).  After a real looong time, about a year or so later, I lost it today... I had to let it out before it bursts beyond repair...


No matter how many hundreds I count seeing that person in front of me, I just dont seem to hold it any longer... some people lie for livelihood and some people live  with lies...

So what after bursting will the person change, realize, nothing... what does this teach me... Raise to the top, so high that these dirty individuals no longer reach you... wait a minute, with that anger, I turn dirty and get equal to them too right... if it were to be from someone cultured I can at least say okay I had it with equals, why should I get so irked by someone as cheap and ethicless as her...

What is the problem that I have with that lady, nothing.. I just dont like the way she lies about every one left right and center inspite of repeated requests not to do it in front of me.. why am I bothered about someone else when she has done nothing to me in particular.. and the tiny little things she does can better be ignored..

cool, calm, deep breather, get it out of the system....

you can relax Sush... you can!!

May 23, 2010

Raising the bar

The 10th class results (SSC) are out today and since I am the only person with net connectivity in the village, all the students flocked my place for the results... firstly, the results took me by surprise... there were grades in stead of class.. okay fine ABC... for 123 I thought but what came on screen totally took me by surprise..

The results were announced by 11:30 and until 2 I was breaking my head trying to figure out what those grades meant over the net.. the simple solution, however, would have been to switch on the TV and see the scrolls down.. thwack, thwack!!!

So the grading goes like this 
Grades as per marks percentage: A1 95% | A2 85% | B1 – 75% | C1 65% | C2 55% | D1 45% | D2 35%.
in other words A1 509 and above...
A2 508-470
B1 469-438
B2 434-404
C1 403-374
C2  373-343
D1 342-308
D2 307-307

So, the first result I typed in was B2.. and I was like okay maybe first class like the earlier Intermediate result (A grade distinction, B grade 60 to 75% and so on).. but as I type in other hallticket numbers I am taken by surprise from numbers ranging from A2 to D2... what the hell is this, all of us try to figure out but no use...

In my days getting 500 was the "best" in early 90s.. now people get as high as 593... phew.. what are these kids doing by the way???????  It is okay to raise the bar it is a good signal but C grade for what was first class mark in our days.. 60% is something which kind of shook me...do we really need to measure the students merit on the marks they get in the exams... what I have learnt in the school/college has just been theory and I had to get practical hands-on training to be suitable for job environment.. so when what I learn itself does not prepare me for my livelihood, why should by merits be measured on that.. okay that might be an unending discussion...

I dont like it one bit when students with 70% are graded B.... anyways.

If the grading is one thing that bothered me, the parroted replies of the toppers in "English" when the questions were asked in Telugu bothered me no end.. ela feel autunuvvamma ante happyga feel autunna andi ani okka maata okka pillakay anadey.. I feel happy, my school management, my study hours, my parents, this that ani prati okkaru Englishlo cheppatamey...

Telugu maatladatam below dignityga feel autunna pillalni emanaalo artham kaatledu.. English nerchuko, global villagelo venakabadipokundaa manchigaa undu tappu ledu kaani kaneesam maatrubhaashalo santosham kooda vyaktaparachaleni dustitilo enduku unnaam manam...

ento.. naaku chaadastam baaga perigipotundi... choostuntey naaku LOki single genaration kaadu enno tara taraala gap vacchestundemo tanu perige paatiki anipistundi... devudaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

May 20, 2010

Intey Intintey...

Super song and awesome peppy lyrics... enough to lift me for the day...!!!

I am not really sure as to who wrote this one, but just happened to catch it on FM on the way back from hospital... fell in love with it instantly!!! How could I miss this all along.. anyways better late than never.

Movie:  Balu ABCDEFG...

Intey intintey intey intintey... aalochistey antaa intintey
kannu intey kanu paapa intey.. lokam lotu choodaalantey...

!!Intey!!

moggallona daagundi kaayo pando kanipettaali mundey
mabbullona daagundi chinuko toofaano pasigattaali mundey
manushullo manchodevaro munchedevaro manestti choodalantey..
ee mattiloni vajram choodu... bogguloni aggini choodu.
annitikannaa neeloni ninne choodu
alaa choostey yedure ledante
alaa chestey tirugey ledante

raasi phalaalanni vachchunu neeventey
tommidi grahaalanni panule maani tirugunu nee chuttey
(this has a special significance owing to the fact I am bending towards blaming stars.. easy target arent they??).

gudiselloni pedalaki snehitudayye gunamundaali neelo
medalloni ammadiki premikudayye pogarundaali neelo
desaanney sokam nunchi cheekati nunchi rakshinche sainikudavvaali
nee panullonu sraamikudalle, pagalu reyi kaarmikudalle
samudramlo naavikudalle mundukupotuntey
janam mechche naayakudavutaavu
jagam mechche uttamudavutaavu
prapanchamlo devudivavutaavuu
ee bhoomi meeda assalu sissalu maanavudavutaavuu..

Laila is still in its element but inner storm is backtracking...

May 19, 2010

Lila ho yaa Ilaa!!

With this violent storm of breathlessness giving in some respite.. I sit back right now.. actually watching rain wash out the leaves, the greenery dancing in front of the eyes in its purest form, the bubbles that form and burst as the rain drops touch the floor, the sky gray and clear without any clouds, a cool breeze, the sound of water from the floor above on the concrete floor.. I have a lot of things going on in my mind, a lot of feelings but not able to give any concrete form to anything.. not really enjoying the rain, not really hating it either.. a group of villagers sit back idly on the temple platform puffing out cigarettes and doing the idle chatter.. with my daughter away playing with cousins, there is nothing much to do either.. and so with the lappy in front of me I drift off...

I have always had this very serious doubt in my mind as to why people let things happen to their body.. why are they so grossly negligent about it.  How could they not get it right when they found something wrong, how could they?  Especially, those movie stars and people in limelight who we are in awe of.. when I like at their then and now, I am like.. what the hell has happened.  When I see that happening to me, I know precisely why.

I am not body or beauty conscious.. the only thing I was really particular about was no weight gain and thankfully had to do nothing about it as I was in general good health and not-prone-to-fat body.  Still, that panic was always there about weight gain.  With the kid in too there were absolutely no issues; however, it is only after 6 months after the baby that something really snapped, the control over the body.  The left, right and center gain in spite of activity levels.. family blames it on stress, anxiety, not eating well and all that, and I personally feel it is just another blow of a different kind.

The other day on my followup visit to the doctor he was like "your  face is kind of swollen dont worry it is because of the medication".  It is only then do I realize that something has really changed.. Over the past 10 days, I hardly even looked at the mirror even to comb the hair.  The first thing I do after coming home is to look at the mirror and find this strange fat woman with chubby cheeks, fat-layered neck and puffed and swollen face looking back at me.  I am like ???? who is this???? where am I??? What happened to my face???  who is she in there?  Shake my head unbelievably at the image in it.  How can a person change so visibly within a snap of a week or 10 days.. OMG!!!

I dont really know if this is the end of the beginning or the beginning of an end (weight gain wise)..  I would be lying if I say this has not impacted me... more than anything so far, this change within this past week has had that impact, a surge urge, a sudden desperation, a sudden need to just black out from everything.  I dont like it a bit, the focus being shifted from the kid to me, my focus that is... it is the time she needs the most attention and my body is seeking more than it should.  With help extended from few  quarters and denied promptly financially, it is going to be an uphill walk, a tirade against all the odds put together so far and from now on.  Every fiber of my being screams you are just about done, hang on.. the main dish is done to perfection, it is just the garnish part but mind and its ways...

Whatever it is, if there is still that energy and spark to go on, it is because of the feeling of being alive with a clear set of notions and emotions.  Anyways, like everything else the last stretch of the journey seems to stretch on and almost impossible but that is where the fruit of the entire struggle lies... so why let it go.

So many things happening around, world does not come to a halt even for a moment, the nature has its course.. the heatwave that hit the state did its job until yesterday and the rain water will do its best now, people plan, people execute, people cry, people laugh, people are born, people pass away... nothing really matters to the course of time... it just passes leaving its footprints in sands of time like it had been since the time immemorial.

My mind longs for some comfort.. but I know it needs to be from within... the lemony green leaves of the "nicche malli" chettu seem to smile at me.. the raindrops had been trying to batter on the plant leaves continuously since the night past, but could not deter its spirit.. the rain takes a break and the tree still stands there with its head held high, clean, neat and fresh.  It does not hold anything against those water drops, in fact the few drops left on the leaves are so beautiful to look at.... the break is over and the rain is at it again.

I have to work, but cant bring myself to it today... want to enjoy the rain, want to feel the life around..

I consciously bring myself to remember the days with amma...

Gurtukostunnaayi....

***inti choorulonchi jaaripadutunna goldspot, coffee podi rangu neellu.
***chukka chukka kinda padi isaka telina chinni chinni guntalu.
***atu itu gentutoo, vaana budagallo pattu dorakaka jaaripotunna kappa pillalu.
***matti poralu jaaripoyi mokkala guburulo bayata padda vaana paamulu.
***atu itu gantulu vestu bayatiki lopaliki parigette kukka pillalu.
***vediga edaina tinaalani ontlo aakali.
***eppudu taggutundaa vaana kaneesam okasaranna bayatakelloddam ane manasu..
***virigi padutunna chettu kommalu..

 anni alaage unnay, ade illu, adey chooru, adey vaana, adey nenu.. kaani ento teda, paiki antaa alaage unna edi alaaga ledu..

bayata tuphaanu, horu gaali... manasulo artham leni alochanala poru... tsunami antaaru, varada antaaru, vaayugundam antaaru.. kottagaa ee madhya ila, laila vagaira ani kooda antunnaru... eperuto pilichina enta joruga kurisinaa chesedemi ledu... ee alochanala sudigundamlo chikkukunna manasuki bayata tuphaanu kooda prasantamga anipinchadamlo vintemi ledemo?

May 16, 2010

On the edge

What is it with the blog or with my life in general that once I take a strong resolution, that very same thing is put to test??  Call it play of stars, twist of fate or just like that.. I am complications' favorite child maybe :).. well, let me at least take pride in the fact someone loves me so bad to let go off me and maybe I should start getting comfort in the company of my constant companion :).. edevaleka navvadam ante idenemo mari?

This time it is the lungs that give up after constant coughs for about a couple of years... or to be precise, what started with amma's death and keeps popping off and on.

We take so many things for granted and the first task that we learn breathing comes very naturally to us.  Never knew just a single breath could take so much of an effort to put your entire being together and still not be able to do something as simple as that... breathe in and breathe out right!!!

On the edge for a while, unaware of what is happening around me other than the fact that something is seriously wrong.. what passes through the mind takes me unawares.

I surprise myself real bad this time.. I dont really feel anything.  For the one who claims her life is solely revolving around the daughter and nothing else even that was not reminded in that very moment.  Those few minutes of "anything can happen" did not really bring forth anything on to my mind.  Not the pain, not the pleasure, not the smile of the baby, nor the fear for her care and concern if and if something goes wrong.  There is sudden calm engulfing me.  The usual me who frets and fumes and oohs and aahs and gets freaked out at tiny little prospect of discomfort to my daughter just doesnt really bother about her any longer.

I give myself to the care of the doctor..
try to feel something,

try to blame myself for not being that "my baby, what happens to my baby, what about her" cries in my heart,
try to panic (yes, I was wondering why I was so calm),
try to feel bad for not being able to see the kid one last time (I know, I am that very nautanki-baaz mother with overthinking stuff, but cant really help it right?),
try to feel bad for not remembering my child's smile,
try to feel bad for being alone just with the maid and the driver next to me and the whole family a minimum of 2 hours away..

all in vain!!  On second thoughts would that matter if they were right next to me.. naah.. then why?

My conscious body trying to bring in peripheral emotions whereas the subconscious doing the most needful task at that time.. recuperating, fighting back!!! isnt human body mechanism clubbed with psych amazing!!!

I just dont feel anything at all.. a sense of peace, a sense of calm acceptance, a sense of blankness spread a security blanket just letting me relax.

The doctor panics for a while immediately after the arrival but seeing me calm gets calmed down and then the things take their course without waiting for anyone responsible to be present and by the time the family manages to come down, I am back.. not bouncing but definitely back.  The little maid who was shocked and scared could finally relax with someone present other than than the driver and Like they say daane daane pe likhaa hai khaane waalekaa naam and there seem to be a whole lot of daana in my naseeb :).

Even though I am surprised at my composure at that point, I cant really take any credit for it.. it is one of those moments that just happened.. I tried to give in my usual inputs but the body just dint register :).

So, what does that leave me with... an awareness yet again that life is a bubble, a fact that all is not really well yet physically and an affirmation that I have it in me to get going no matter what.  There is someone above who does the needful.

Just after the moment passes, the usual grumpy me wakes up refusing to catch a wink of sleep for 2 straight days without seeing the kid and am sent back home a couple of days later to see my daughter sleeping (rather sleep acting) not opening her eyes and just smiling through closed eyes after so much of requesting to talk to amma that she has got kuhhu kuuhhu aayi and has come to see her play... and finally opening eyes after an hour, smiling real nice, give me a tight hug and sleep very very close.. what a reunion it was.  No squeals, just a little bit of anger and a lot of comfort in that tiny little hand that is on my body, not letting me go.

Suddenly, I realize what held me back, where the calm had come from.. this tiny soul emanated it all the way from home and got me back to her... miracles do happen in life and she is no less than one.

May 9, 2010

This Mother's Day...

I dont remember it is one until the late afternoon when my bro calls me to wish, down with severe strep throat me and kiddo as usual sharing the infection sneeze and cough and take the wishes...

Last mother's day, amidst of utter chaos, left to take care of days' old baby on my own, and hell a lot of other issues, it did not really sink in that I was a mom.. in fact when my mom called up to wish me that day the last straw had broken and I was like "WT#&!"

When I hear new mom's complaining of PPD, I am like did I ever have that??? specifically postpartum and I want to say the moms just be happy.. you have the time and energy to realize it is PPD.. I had none :(... keep yourself busy and occupied constructively and everything will fall into place.. love yourself...

Anyways I digress... this in fact is the first mother's day that I have ample of time to ponder on the fact that I am a mother too and this is the day I am supposed to celebrated.. yay!!! good going Sree.. so what do I do to celebrate myself.. hug my LO real close and transfer a  few more germs in the bondage ;)..

On a serious note, I take a silent oath that I will set my health back in good order and NEVER, NEVER be a burden on the kid.  I want to be around happy and healthy until the time she needs me in her life, that very strong anchor who can do anything for her, not run helter skelter like me in search of a person to unload her deep most feelings and get snubbed everywhere or taken advantage of or be thrown into a deep abyss in the mask of helping.  I  determine to consider my body the temple that it is supposed to be treated as... get back to good habits and celebrate myself every single day.

I envy those moms who are my age and already have teenage kids... my friend, a couple of years older than me, has a daughter who just finished her 10th.. she got married when she was 16, had a kid at 17... though not as early, it is always good to get married at around 20 so that by 30 you are done with running around.. for those who have kids at 30, running around is a problem... :(((.  Somewhere, I feel bad that I am not as energetic as I used to be and thereby robbing my kid of something... anyways that is crying over split milk.. now that I realize this so late, the gift that I give my daughter this mother's day is "ME" the anchor for her life.. the person she can fall back on any time and not the person she has to take care of... this is a determination as strong as the strongest element on the earth!!!!

Dear Daughter...

Mamma loves you and wishes herself a "a aappy eatheachahaeahas hkaeudas" ---> translated to happy mothers days in common man's language.... and I know you love me beyond your gibberish and licks all over can express as of now... so let me take the liberty to say that I am your world as you are mine and yes our world is beautiful.  Let us both get well soon from all those "haaatchie, huuutchhie -- and -- kuhhu kuhhu" we need to spend ample of time with each other before you find something else interesting beyond me...

Let me take in as much of you as I can before you will no longer allow me to :).. see the selfish momma at work ;)....

Love you...
Crazy Momma.

May 8, 2010

Thanks Buddies... But No Thanks

All of my buddies out there abroad, thanks for remembering me and kiddo.. am really blessed to have you guys in my life.. thanks for everything and thanks for the huge support you have been always... but sincerely I request you one thing....

Each time any one of you comes on a trip or your close ones come, you guys surely send me a parcel.. err, LO to be precise.

It is almost always dresses which cost I am sure a hell a lot of money when converted into rupees... I know those dirty looks and the cheap you scoldings that will follow, but that is how I am.  Keeping in view that we are not used to a/c rooms and all or in spic and span surroundings all the beautiful frocks that you send for your little angel are just worn once that too for a while and then promptly kept inside as your reminders.... :((...

Do ask me when you guys want to bring something, if there is something that I need like Cetaphil or something I dont find here, would surely let you know.. but do not spend money on clothes!!! new clothes at this age are a waste as with each passing day the kids grow.. that doesnt mean I dont get her clothes at all, I do but that is according to the season and according to the size, every month or so whenever the size changes..

So, please please please DO NOT SEND ANY GIFTS... the best gift is your remembering us and trying your best to meet us in your tied up schedule and most importantly the blessings you shower on the kid...

For the LO, I am there and she has you all if at all there is any need any point in time... so If and if you want to do something for the kid as a token of love, do something to the other kids who do not have anything at all... Me and LO would be extremely happy if you guys donate the same amount you spend on her shopping in the charity like sponsoring a kid for a year, a month or maybe even feeding a poor old man on the road a proper meal or something like that.. the light that brings on their faces, will give the kiddo all the more blessings she will always need..

so buddies, thanks but no thanks for all the gifts... we know you love us... please do not spend on clothes for LO...!!!!

May 7, 2010

A couple of years...

It has been a couple of years since I lost my stronger anchor, my grandfather... 2 years down the line, I am sure I am the person he wanted me to be.  The one who used to cry at the drop of the hat is no longer the same.  I bark and I bite too if need be.  Isnt that how you wanted me to be?

This day, I miss him all the more.  I am thankful to him in ways beyond expressible words, grateful for the shelter he had provided me in spite of not being around, and above all really really happy to have known him.  I want to die the way he did, like a lion, refusing to bow in front of anyone.. working till his last breath.  They say only the virtuous pass away this peacefully.  No matter what he was to everyone else in his life.  The grand old couple have given me their best and I could never give them enough back.

Miss you amma.. miss you taatee... It would have been great to see my daughter and my grandparents play together.  She is unfortunate for having missed you but I will make sure she understands what place you guys held and will always hold in our lives....

Thank you taatee for everything.. I am sad but I am happy, you passed away when you thought all is well... cant ask for more.

Every little tree and plant you have planted in the yard is giving me cool air and sweet fruit and beautiful flowers.  I still remember your words when I used to say "enduku taatee ippudu inta aayasapadi mokkalu pedataavu, nuvvu tintaava enti?"  you just used to smile.. "nuvvu nee pillalu tinte nenu tinnattu kaadantey... "  Yes, taatee me and LO eat those sweet mangoes, chickoo, drumsticks, lemon, gooseberries from the seeds you sowed a while ago and with each bite remember you...

As I look up in the sky in our yard tonight, each branch reminds me of you, the breeze brings back your scent, the wind brings the voices of you and amma talking to me and then  I see a star twinkle, which reminds me of your single tooth.. the sparkle that would light up your face with that single tooth laughter.. and feel as if you are just right there smiling at me...and by the way, taatee my daughter reminds me of you as she has a single tooth too :)..

and yes, I am confused at times deciding which of you have taken birth as my daughter.  I sometimes feel it is amma, the strong and solid voice and the fast walk.. but then when it comes to certain things like not allowing anyone to touch even a single leaf on the tree, there is no mistake it is you.. so for my satisfaction, I conclude that both of you have decided to coexist in her and bring light into my life.... and yes, that doesnt mean she is you both.. she is an individual of her own.. it is just that I search for you guys in her...  In my world and in my language.. "bangaaru talli maa amma but appudappudu naari pandu poonataadu :)).

I know taatee... you would be smiling to yourself and calling me fondly "tungalaay" the very specific name you used to call me... tungalaay misses you taatee... love you loads!!!!!!  Watch out for us oldies from up above the world so high!!!

May 6, 2010

Prajaa Patham.. A One-On-One

On any given day my village roads are scattered with leaves, papers, dust, grass, khaini packets, cow dung etc. But one fine day, I see the current worker cleaning the area around the transformer and burning the trash and I am like.. "oh, wow.. finally an environment cautious govt. servant who takes his job seriously," me and kiddo go and appreciate him and go on our walk. Next morning, a battalion of workers get down a lorry and start sweeping the roads, burn all the "penta pogulu" which are dumped next to main road, gather all the dry leaves, sticks, thorns gathered by birds, kids, etc. and burning them, putting bleaching on two sides of the road and in short beautifying the village, I was like "oh my God, these guys are actually working, well done Panchayat."

In the evening, there comes a voice from the Panchayat vehicle, announcing...

"Guraza Graama Prajaalaara...
Mana Divangata Mukhyamantri YS gaaru modalu pettina...
Prastuta Mukhyamantry Rosaiah garu nadipistunna...
Congress prabutvam nirvahistunna
adbhutamaina, amoghamaina.. manakento preeti paatramaina..
Prajaa Padham Karyakramamlo bhaagamgaa..
Repu mana gramaaniki, gauravaneeyulaina mantri varylu, K. ParthaSaarathi gaaru
Collector Piyush Kumar Garu, Anni saakhala unnata adhikaarulu andaru kooda
Panchayiti office vadda mana samasyalu telusukuni parishkarinchadaaniki vastunnaru

kaavuna andaru tappaka, mee mee arjeelu, abhyardhanalu, samasyalu emi unna sare
tappaka vacchi ee, vinnavinchukuni, parishkarinchukomani maa vinnapamu"

The gift of it is, as part of the Prajaapadham program, the minister, MLA, collector, top officials from this district would gather in our village and we all need to attend the program and make it a success by submitting our woes or whatever..

Suddenly everything becomes crystal clear, the reason behind beautifying my village, the reason behind so much of politeness in the officials, the reason behind the taps which never worked for the past year or so got repaired, the reason behind fitting bulbs on all the street lights which were not there for the past so many months became crystal clear.. "We Never Change."

A minister and a group of officials and everything is spic and span.. if that is the case, why are the minister and the officials not touring often? Well, I dont really know.

It was supposed to start at 8 a.m., so I reach there by 7:45, only to see empty tent and seats.. I go to my mama's house closeby and keep checking every hour.. 9 a.m. nope, 10 a.m. the C.I. and officers start coming, 10:30 the collector is not coming... 11:00, minister is 5 minutes away... 11:30, finally he comes and gets seated on the dias... after 4 long hours of wait.. the sensible villagers come in after the minister's convoy arrives.. but the old people who had come just come finishing breakfast keep waiting with papers to submit in the hot sun.. After the minister arrives we are supplied with water packets and a small cup of tea!! wow!!!!

Then the minister without wasting times asks each of the 5 vital issues that need to be addressed to be discussed..
1. Tella Cardlu, Aarogyasri padhakaalu.
2. Upaadhi Haami Padhakam.
3. Indiramma illu.
4. Manchi Neeti Saraphara.
5. Paadi/Pantalu Abhivruddhi

among the lot..

The officials come one by one, give their progress report, the minister tries to show that he is interested amidst of the phone calls he receives on his cell phone, his security guard's cell phone, yawning, wiping sweat, drinking water, drinking coffee/tea (I had no idea). Asks some really valid and intelligent questions making me wonder if that guy was really listening to what is being said. Asks the public if they have any concerns, no one opens their mouth.. a few enthusiastic kids who come with me shout "dammullevu evaru maatladaru, aina maatlaadina evaru emi cheyyaru" and finally one person stands up with some cattle related issue and since that is the portfolio of that particular minister on the dias, he gets irritated. He says "why are you talking now, it has been a year since the issue, are you waiting for me, what did you do to bring to the notice of the government, you are educated are you not responsible. No that program is not a failure, you have no right to pass such judgments in a strong tone.." If that happens to an educated young man, who is voluntarily doing cattle farming in spite of being eligible software/high-paid jobs.. no one dares to question anything else right???

Then after a few more questions and enquires over the phone in "okeokkadu" Arjun style to the concerned departments, the minister continues with other issues.

Since no one opens mouth, praises that other villages have a lot of issues, your village is super, bumper, top, phirangi, gatra gatra gatra and starts opening the complaints brought by villagers...

A man complains his daughter was in pains and when they rushed her to the hospital, there was no one there, they had to go to the nurse's house and request her to come and by the time she comes and gathers other staff, the situation worsens and she had to be transferred to another hospital... the minister calls the doctor...

where do you stay
mudinepalli.. 2 kms from village (a lie, he stays 50 kms from the hospital)

why did you not come.
I had training the previous day and could not rejoin.

why is no one else there?
silence...

villagers --!! nobody is there ever.

what is the staff count?
16.

how many vacancies?
3.

So, the total staff is???
13.

So, on that given day.. out of 13 people, no one was around and the patients had to run to the nurse's house?
silence...

how many doctors?
2.

Wow, great!!

Do you come regularly..

By then the villagers gather some courage and shout.. "NEVER"

Do you come regularly..
I come alternate day.. the other doctor comes alternate day ,between us we cover all days..

Do you come regularly.
yes.

Villagers shout -- no

Doctor -- Yes.

Villagers gather a little more courage and a lady bursts into choicest expletives on the doctor..

All of them shout at once.. no doctor comes only for an hour and leaves without seeing us.

Doctor (stares blankly).

Minister.. Tell me what is this??
Silence

This is embarassing to me.. tell me why is it like this..
Silence

(While the villagers taking the chances, gather near the dias and shout and tell their problems).

Minister.. I am ashamed
Doctor.. silence.

Minister... please wait, I will see to it that there is justice.
Doctor.. silence.

Minister.. please wait, give me 15 days to get this straight.
Doctor.. nods his head.
Concerned Officer: Takes the responsibility of taking the doc to task.

Minister... okay people, please bear with me, within a month you will see the change.

The villagers shout back... a month of which year????? and I wonder the same..

So, I stand witness to that minister's promise and the villager's complaints.. let me wait for a month and update the status here..

A few more issues equally grave with irresponsible officials..
A father has a permanant ST certificate but son is refused. The father and son are running from pillar to post for the past couple of years for the son's caste certificate. They have proper certificate for father, the certificate that the son is born to that father, that they reside in this village for the past 2 years, but still the son is not given the certificate.

Minister.. what is this?
MRO: Some GO stuff and technical nonsense.

Minister: But the father meets the criteria.
MRO: Yes, per the certificate.

Minister: Son doesnt get it??
MRO: Yes.

Minister: Why?
MRO: The certificate is fake.

Minister: Sensing public displeasure.. "so why is the officer who gave that certificate not questioned?
Silence.

If it is genuine, the son should have been given the same.
If that is fake, the father should lose his.
IN that same family, the father has the certificate, his elder son has the certificate, his daughter has it, but the last son is refused.

Why??
Minister.. I am really ashamed, please issue it to him immediately..

So, he gets it because he had the guts to go to minister.. or wait, wait, will he really get it after the minister goes? Remains to be seen. What about the others??? Why such laxity.

I had a couple of issues and the school kids had a few more, we write letters to the officials, petitions for help, and wait patiently until 1 o'clock.. Minister suddenly sees his watch.. okay enough for today.. it is 1 already, we need to leave...

Leaves promptly at 11 to the Pseudo president's house for a delightful spread.. (pseudo-president) is the story for another post.

I capture the whole drama on the cam, will wait for the month and see if his assurances are fulfilled or not.. then what???

What can I do????

Do I have the time and patience to leave my job, my kid and everything and be behind them to see if they do it or not.

No, I can't. If I dont work, I starve..... 8 to 1 p.m. watching it was possible because of off day.... so, what is it that I do.. seethe for a while, cuss for a while, cry foul, and follow the routine...

A part of me is ashamed at my lack of followup and a part of me just wants to survive....

No need to say, the part of me that wants peace wins over in the battle of survival!!!!

May 5, 2010

So..

I am working PROPERLY and taking scheduled breaks and meeting targets.. what is the big deal?????

It is the bigger than the biggest deal to me. It means I started living again.

I had my last proper break between work after November 2005, looking back it seems like a lifetime. I had this funda in life, work smart, work fast, keep a lot of time for yourself.. earn and enjoy!!! Slog and slog 6 days a week, but take a complete break at least one day and take an out-and-out live the way you like break at least once in a month. Like everything else, this fundaa too went into the drain.

Amma's death, marriage, pregnancy, kid, starting life from scratch, everything was overwhelming.... be it sorrow or happiness, it was always in the extremes..."highest of highs" and "lowest of lows" phase. It took me these past 2 years to retrace the blind leap and the huge mistake and getting rid of the "I gave you good life" mindset from my entire being. Looking back, it is strange, I could take it for about a year. On the second thoughts, maybe I knew fully well what I was getting into.. why the hell did I tolerate the attitude and taunts of a family citing my disability...!! what started as seemingly innocent, harmless, self praise gradually snowballed into an issue so big that I began doubting myself and getting convinced that I am really a good for nothing person who was gifted "life" by someone!! I call living like a parasite a "disability", I call "I am very innocent, I dont know anything, I will die if I dont get things done my way" a disability, I call sweet-talking in front and dirty thinking inside a disability. Enough, one more mention of giving me life... YOU GET IT FROM ME.

Two eventful years, experiences of a lifetime, fighting out a lonely battle, one step forward and pulled 10 steps backward by very own kith and kin.. I gradually see the light, this time loaded with so much of will power that even if it is from another train approaching from the other end, I dont really care.

Successfully curbed unwanted influences in my life, realized what is what and who is who, the real faces underneath the masks surfaced and just like everything else, de-cluttering life of unwanted relationships be it personal, professional or just acquaintances has helped me tremendously. I dont want to be good for some xyz, be in some xyz's good books, and lose out on life.

Throwing away the medicines, throwing away the so-called close ones taking double stands resulted in good health... the problem clouds dissipate giving me the strength of a 1000 elephants to take the world and lock horns with the distractions yet again.

One proper break (off day) and I feel rejuvenated.. one proper paycheck is what I need to say yes the train is on the track, it maybe delayed but it will go to the destination safely!!!

By the way, been to Prajaa Padham yesterday, stay tuned for my one-on-one with govt. officials and governance ;).

May 3, 2010

Just Like That

I had to go to the bank today and on the way back home stopped by to shop a little for LO.. shopping for tiny stuff has always been fun but never thought that I would walk around half a kilometer in hot sun at 1 o' clock just buy one pair of squeaking flowery sandals the first shopkeeper said would be available at... and looking at the happiness and the ducky single-toothed squeal upon seeing and trying the sandals just made the whole thing more than worth it.

am falling in the regular working groove without cribbing... touch wood.

Went to the temple yesterday after a real long time and sang wholeheartedly, the sai aarathulu that is.. the temple is situated near the koneru (pond) with a couple of ducks and evening smells of burning charcoal, wood, the cattle returning to home and my daughter wishing everyone who would care to have a look at her and a whole lot of halts in between to wish all the grandmaas and grandpas on the way to and fro, made me feel very much alive...

So, tired after long walks and content with the things accomplished on the way back, we eat and retire to sleep.. do I ever really want to move out of the village? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... Nooooooooooooooooo.. nooooooooooooooooo...

So, here I finish my work for today and going to go back again :)... life without any complexities gives so much of contentment isnt it.

May 2, 2010

:)

I work, I try to work hard.. not in terms of output but in terms of sitting about straight and focus on the task on hand, curse a little and get to work with great difficulty each time I am distracted... finally take a break and go for lunch... a tiny little body just about starting to walk, comes running showing the single tooth that has erupted and a big happy squeal to see me back... at that very moment nothing really matters.. I get recharged taking a quick bite, getting fed by tiny little hands in between hurried gulps of water and self-feeding, play a little and get back to work, this time to finish it faster and spend a lot more time with the tiny individual.

I suddenly realize that I have stopped celebrating my daughter and started living her. I no longer run for the camera, I no longer want to capture each and every moment, in stead I want to take in as much as I can. I crave for her scent and her touch the moment I am free and feel extremely delighted to see that she does the same.. touchwood!!!!!

By the way, work is falling into place after long... and yes this post really really really to the power of infinite needs the kaala tika!!!! Each time my work sets into place, some damn person springs up from seemingly no where to create ripples in serene waters.. this time, I dont intend to let ANY ONE do that.

May 1, 2010

Something That Amused Me...

In good old days when there were no mikes, the only way one has to communicate a message to whole village in general was.. "the vetti vaadu doing rounds of the village gathering groups of people and screaming out the message with his dappu noise". I still remember the way we used to run around to the spot he was standing and hoping that the people come in slowly that he would play the dappu a little longer and some times take it in our hands after the message was conveyed and play a little.. boy, how we envied that guy's job.. just walking, playing dappu and screaming out message, what a way to earn livelihood, it would have crossed my mind to be one but I dont clearly remember :).. those days were a bliss, the childhood isnt it.. no calculating as to what would give me more money, fame, etc. just aspire to do whatever catches your fancy.. pallettoorlo dappu kotti tamuku veyyadam atani jeevanaadhaaram... maaku adoka pedda sambaram... where are those days??hupphhh... I digress.

Almost once in a week, there is this announcement in our village. The first time I heard the intro part of it, I felt as it were some delicacy they were talking about and doing the canvassing, the gist of it after the final message sank in was that of surprise and then peels of laughter... try if you can guess what is being sold here?

Guraza graama prajalaki goppa subhavaartha!!! -- 3 to 4 times--

Vinandi ammaa, vinandi baabu
vinamma akkaa.. vinnamma chelli
Guraza graamaniki vacchina mahattara avakaasam
randi baabu randi, marala maralaa raani avakaasam

Pushtikaramaina, subramainaa
ruchi kaliginaa, poshaka viluvalato nindinaa..

Jeedi pappu, baadam pappu
chekkera kelilu, amruta paalilu.
tini perigina... 25 vela rupaayalu viluva jese
melu jaati _________________

randi baabu avakaasanni sadviniyoga paruchukondi...
ee mahattara avakaasanni meeru jaara viduchukoru ani telusu baabu telusu
mundu raakapote migaladu baabu... twarapadandi repu samayanaki viccheyandi..
meeru kooda gurtu chesi pampinchandi amma, gurtu cheyyi chelli...
mee inta vindu.. maakento pasandu..
randi baabu randi :))))).

the first time around amidst of all the hype I missed what it was... the second time I couldnt but control myself to go out and listen and see what is that they are advertising... and when I knew what it was, I couldnt stop laughing..

Can you guess what we are talking about???

For Evil Eyes on LO