Somehow, when I opened it today, could not stand the picture on it. . I so wanted to post something to get the previous post out of my view as and when I open this page.. then I begin to think, why so much of negativity.
It is strange how our mind works. There was this instant "what the hell??? How the hell could she choose this guy over everybody else?" ever since then my life has been all about ducking in order to stay safe financially and not get into his clutches in the name of "investments." But still I always had a smile on the face when I spoke to him, in fact, I was at my friend's place for a couple of months at which time he was actually "out of town" on auditing trips.
The question to myself is, when I could bear him at that point in time, knowing fully well something was definitely wrong with this guy, all the while trying to make my friend see the reason why cant I now. Why is there so much of hatred in me for a person.. it is not necessarily this person.. I seem to have this really really strong emotion towards people who I consider are wrong which is in its purest and wildest forms "hatred." I guess, it is just a part of my reacting extremely towards anything. I can only take things to a certain point and also partly because I don't react instantly when something is wrong. I brood over it for a while, don't really want to hurt that person, don't really want to be bad by saying anything wrong, take it all calmly and only when it goes beyond the level of tolerance do I burst out and when I do, it is like that forever. Why is it that I do not remedy it?
One thing I need to focus on is "stopping sitting over stuff" If something/some one is bothering me, no matter what anybody would say or think, get it out of the system then and there itself, politely and positively and if something irks even after that clarification, LET IT GO. It is just that I give importance to so many things and so many people and their feelings all that time that for a while I suppress my actual need to point out that problem out and by the time I actually do it is beyond repair. People or things or issues bother me because I give them so much of priority. The problem is I should LET GO, let go all the attachment to that person and everything else dissipates. It is easy to say but trust me, the toughest to practice. It is not LETTING GO OF PEOPLE FROM YOUR OUTER WORLD BUT YOUR INNER WORLD, A WORLD FOR YOURSELF.
I should not come to a point where I hate a person or thing but just let it go.. 'cos one fine day I will hate myself for hating so much.
The core reason of my being where I am and doing what I am today is to escape the negativity that is building up in my mind where I could no longer recognize the person I was becoming. The point is I try to be positive but escape negativity.. escaping isnt the solution. Facing it and throwing it away is. The worst thing is, I realize it and am not able to win over the escapist in me just because I am not trying enough or to put it bluntly, I just preach myself but have never practised!!!