I am at times perplexed at so much of bluntness on her part in certain things pertaining to me and not surprisingly that is where I get this trait of mine. I used to get very angry when she used to say "idi aadada gaadida?" a vast gap in both ideas and ideologies. I kind of rebelled right from when I remember. Like I was forced to use English language all the times at home, not allowed to watch Telugu TV ever, read Hindu News Paper every single day, read CSR and Wisdom, not to go out and play much outside in stead read and listen to Tape recorder, etc.. One major task was pray every day as soon as we wake up and before our bedtime. I used to hate every single thing. I was given a glass of milk every day to drink which I just liked to throw away unnoticed if possible not because I did not like to drink the milk but because I was forced by my mother to do it, such was the anger.
Trust me, I used to swear to myself that once I am free from her I will never get back to any of them, so much of repulsion, so much of pent up anger. Come to look at it, all of her enforced activities were for my own good. In fact, I love doing all of them now. I used to curse her under the breath each time I prayed.. In it all, I missed the core essence of it, never paid attention to the meaning just uttered the words because I was scared of her and those very words of prayer is what I say each and every day and every single moment.
When I get the time to ponder on the behavior, I realize one thing.. she did all the very right things for us, she provided us with everything BUT I failed to see the reason underneath and chose to rebel blindly. Partly, if not entirely, the reason for it was I was never asked to do something, I was ORDERED to do it and I hated orders with all my will and punished ruthlessly for not doing so which added fuel to the fire. In her own stresses of life, she just provided but was never there to make me realize what it was all about and for years together, I was blind to solutions of so many things because I was blinded with some unknown, unclear feeling.
A big lesson passed to me from my mom is never to drill down anything forcibly without actually giving a reason, good or bad, and spend actual time with the kid to see that they actually see the point. Most importantly, try and understand the reason behind the distance than just brand and point it out harshly time and again in front of anyone and everyone, it HURTS beyond measure and you end up feeling like an orphan in spite of having everyone, betrayed by the ones who are supposed to shield you. To add to it, I was at my grandmom's place most of the time with aunts and uncles visiting who always contradictory stuff to say about our habits and negative thoughts rushed in time and again which did not help much.
If someone blames me without a reason and gives me a name, then I make it a point to BE JUST THAT and show how it actually is when I am like that.. mondi ante jagamondi laaga, penki ante rana penkilaagaa, anukunnavaadiki/annavaadiki anukunna rakamgaa, inka anta kante konchem ekkuvagaa. I know it is the worst trait in a person and destructs that person only but it is one of the core areas that I need to work on.-
I do not really know where the seeds for such an attitude were sown but by time I want to come out if, it is a full-grown, roots deeply spread tree too difficult to just pluck out... maybe the toughest task to eliminate totally ever but still nothing impossible if I try..