There are a lot of butterflies in my belly as I sit about typing this waiting for you to wake up on your BIG day, the day 2 years ago, that you came into this world from the womb and are here for a while to come. This was the exact same feeling I had a couple of years ago, getting ready for the big event at the designated time they decided to separate you from me, cutting off the common cord we had but trust me to me, it is still there though no one can see it.. I feel it, something that connects you to me even when you are very much on your own. Something that still tunes our minds and bodies, the little discomfort you have and I almost kind of have a reflex no matter where I am and what I am doing. I go blank but I feel that blankness almost simultaneously. It is no longer the blood that flows between us, it is the LOVE, the incredible connection, the strongest and most vital reason for life.
People may find it silly but I knew your existence from the very beginning and come to think of it, it is very very strange and even the doctor said so when I refused to take any medication in spite of being terribly sick until I find the result negative and when it did indeed turn out so. The journey began a little earlier than when I could actually see you, that teeny tiny dot on the scanner screen at 5 weeks which could have been anything and the reality sunk in with the heartbeat at 6 weeks, loud, clear, resounding and REASSURING!!! Trust me it has been a phenomenal voyage for both of us.
Mad with rage at not being understood, uncerainity as to how to go about and the extreme hormonal surges nothing.. NOTHING.. really worked in favor of us, as you grew inside, so did the fears but so did the confidence though at that point in time, it was masked with a whole lot of clumsy emotions. Carrying you and raising you in the initial few months were a blur of extremes and the toughest, longest and the most tiring and draining roller coaster ride of events for me but all through, it was you that were my strongest and weakest points, the highest and lowest points being related to you.
It was and is still not an easy thing to face you and be all that happy and pretend that world is an awesome place to be. I have had my moments of wavering and swaying and staggering and cursing myself for the decision to stick on but let me be quick in reaffirming to you that never once were you felt undeserving, it was me who felt like I did not deserve you and the world not fit for your arrival.. you are and will always be that special to me.
I have enjoyed you thoroughly this year, with things falling into place, perspectives becoming more clearer, distractions much lesser and most of all me emerging a better person, most definitely than I was all the while. I am a more relaxed parent as opposed to the paranoid mother I was the first year of your life with jumpy nerves and always on the guard. The second year of yours saw me more organized, settled and relaxed with clear future goals and much more stronger resolution to keep things the way they are, providing you with the best calm clutter-free environment so vital for your foundation years. Career wise too there have been some changes, a whole lot of adjustments but everything is worth the moments I get to spend with you and yes, we look at financial foothold a little later for now it is you and me and our time.
Well, I know everything I mentioned so far will go over the top at this point but there will come a time when you will understand and would want to actually know what goes through my mind at this very second and here it is for you.
It is tough to resist that tempting smile after a naughty deed and most of the times it is "us" together who end up doing stuff together so it just fine with me. But I am the one who is to do the "disciplining" bit though let me tell you, I hate it to the core to raise my voice on you and your refusing to eat a single morsel running and jumping around the house saying No, no, noooooooooooooo is not helping things either. One more thing kid, I dont want you to be obedient kid I want you to be a happy, self-sufficient kid. You need not always LISTEN to me other than at times like getting some nutrition that your growing body needs and yes STOP LICKING THAT FOOTWEAR AND CARRYING THEM AROUND AND PUTTING THOSE HANDS IN YOUR MOUTH... see, I need more restraint, I will get to it.. just give me some more time. I hate screaming but end up doing it when I see you doing either of them, so please please please understand and yes God, grant me the patience to deal with it.. I know this is just the beginning and there are many more to come, so time to loosen up a bit.
The dancer in you pretty is much alive from your days in the womb and you sing along pretty decently too inventing your own steps much to my delight.. Our visits to Kuchipudi, the dances on TTD channel and the performances once in a while did ignite that passion to learn and kid, you are an amazing performer not because of the finesse of the art form but for the way you really really enjoy, retain the same zest in all things you do and life will bestow its best at your footsteps.
I am the one who wants to baby you a little longer but you are racing towards life to get it all with a lightening speed, there are times when I feel breathtakingly lonely when you no longer cling on to me and are on your own in your own world but then isnt that what I want you to do ultimately... well, maybe a little slower. I am humbled by how much you give without expecting much, just a good job and a bit of undivided attention to whatever you are doing and you are in seventh heaven. It is like you are an expert on what Geeta has to preach while I am still trying to grasp, let alone practice.
You have earned yourself some real loyal friends and must say they learn it from you, to stick to them, be so, 'cos they are the ones who tide you through it and stick on to you no matter what. If you have one good friend and be one good friend to someone, you will have had it all in your lifetime, so work on it and never take them for granted.
I have all my life tried to look for someone to complete me but proved wrong time and again until I got that complete acceptance of me as a whole along with all my flaws giving me a feeling of worth and worthiness and security and that feeling of complete fullness I had not prior to experienced. I am now totally aware of the fact that no feelings last for ever and they do keep changing so am cherishing each and every moment of my glory. Thanks for filling my life with light, while we are together looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, you are that inherent light within me that shows me the path to get to it..
I know I can go on and on and on and on...so, on this day my daughter.. here is a wish that you get everything that you desire and most importantly that you DESERVE.
Love you sweettoo pie..
and in your language.. you have done a very good job (clap, clap, high five, super!!), siya baby bangaam.. bhale pandu baby.. and most of all, you are amma's little trukkaai chichkaai,... her little cuddly bundle who is no longer a bundle and in fact quite a handful :)))...
madly in love which kind of seems to be getting deeper each day..
amma, aaaaaaaaani daaling, meemaaw or whatever that you blabber :).