Whenever I have been down in dumps throughout my adolescent and adult life, Dhyaana has come to my rescue in one form or the other but I have never really persisted on that and taken it to another level or at least continued it once I was out of the blue.. edo chesaama, tedaa kanipinchindaa, malli daarlo paddaama, sare inka nenu normal.. thank you Dhyaanam... malli naaku edaina gatti debba tagilinaa, ledante evarikaina tagilinaa.. arey nenu cheste bhale undi telusaa, nuvvu kooda cheyyi cheppataaniki tappite eppudu saadhana cheyyaledu.
The past 3 years, which have undoubtedly been the most testing periods of my life, I lost trust on everything and even the best tool I had in my hand, meditation, left me. I just could not bring myself to do it because of so much pent up anger, mistrust and hopeless feelings.. well to look back and say, maybe the time was not yet ripe.. inkaa naaku anubhavinchaalsina paapa phalitaalu migilipoyi unnaayemo.
Even when I wanted to do it there was no motivation, there was so much of anger on everything and everyone and a question WHY ME.. before anything, a passion to give it back to everyone in my own way, silent, violent or whatever it takes to make the people around me shut up, let me lead my life the way I knew would be better.. just give me some breathing space. Forget providing support, all I requested, pleaded and begged was to be left alone.. I was under the impression that the whole wide world was out to bash me and mash me little realizing I was doing the worse to myself, abusing my body beyond what it could, the mind beyond everything else which was just hanging on bare threads...
Some times a fleeting realization would dawn in but I found respite in books and internet which most certainly did help but only to a superficial extent, just barely keeping me from falling into an endless abyss. I had been longing for a group to meditate, some place where I can have a break from everything and just pursue the journey to peace, not really looking for solutions, just the strength to breeze through it all.
Through this all, the health took a downward spiral taking me even close quarters to death, which left everything in a limbo for a while. A few of my friends tried helping me sending the cds of Ramdev baba's meditation, breathing techniques, yoga, exercise and caps even came down to teach me the Isha Kriya but just a day or two and everything is kind of forgotten. I really wanted to do it with a group, regularly without a break, needed that motivation but in the rural place that I am currently put up, it can only be dreamt of.. a kid to take care of, a household to run, a job to be dealt with, health to be taken care of, it just remained a distant dream... then came the Pyramid thing that was announced, a relative (maama) of mine a senior pyramid guru who was born in this village, organized a workshop with an aim to make AP "Dhyaana Andhra Pradesh". Good for me, it was a perfect solution to my problem.. and thus began my journey, which kind of changed the course of my life and still continues to, how what and why, the feelings through it all... will follow in the next few posts.