Foreword

There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Aug 25, 2012

Palu Gaakulu

The saying lokulu palu gaakulu is so apt.  I have been meaning to post this for quite a while, each time I just forget about it after a moment of observation.

Crows.. the place i stay in happen to have a lot of them, too many associations with them in life too, we first learn this story of a clever thirsty crow, the belief that when it caws relatives are going to arrive, when someone dies we wait for our ancestors through them to finish the meal we offer in the rituals.  In towns, I rarely see one but here in villages they are our every day buddies.

Feeding birds is something that I happened to consciously develop after I had been to US, earlier too we did, but not really planned as such.  Every day I make it a point to give feed them something, not in a bowl or anything just throw it away like that, even when not a single crow in sight, the moment I fling something into air, at least 4 to 5 of them would fly down from somewhere, dont know from where they would see it but they would just be there..

and in a moment I realize how true it is, even people would be lurking around looking for an opportunity and once it presents itself, they would just do anything to pounce on it.  Every single moment in life, we are kind of surrounded by people who may not want something bad to happen but not hesitate a moment to get the max out of it.  I used to wonder if it were so in my limited world, the people surrounding me but of late I realize such is the trend everywhere, rapidly diminishing values, so much of politics happening around, lack of humanity, something in front, something in the backdrop.!!

Still so many things happening around me, all in a ziffy.. and not a single moment goes without reminding the person we are here for, MIL, I do not really wish I had been here in her presence though I much rather prefer that than doing all this in her absence for her... emptiness seeping in slowly, gradually and eventually... waiting for all of it to get over, get done with, to fall in normal pattern of life which I actually do not see in the near future, but need to work on it...!

Aug 24, 2012

Dead-ly

It is strange how life of a person impacts us.. our own emotions, theirs and everything coming into play and at work.. and it is stranger how death of that very same person impacts us.

Maa kuru dhana jana yavvana garvam, harathi nimishe kaalam sarvam...

This is what was ringing in the backdrop as I travel to the final rites of OA's mother, a person I had been cross with for a while, I guess I was cross with the whole world for a while.  In just a matter of minutes or hours, everything gets over.. just like that one vanishes into thin air, never to be seen only leaving imprints in mind, fresh for the time being and gradually diminishing.

I guess my experience with death has taken quite a lot of transformation and this one in particular made me feel all the more different.. Up close it was my amma I had seen lying lifeless, every single thing being performed in front of my eyes.. the 10 days passed in a ziffy and then it hit me, the loss coming in waves, high and low.. then it was Taatee, which was altogether a different one 'cos I did not see his bodily departure from this planet, just got the news and understand I no longer can see him.. period!! This time the pain was more than ever, realizing being an orphan or feeling so.. devastation and then recently budda mama.. a different angle and perception about death and related stuff..

Just when I thought I have seen it all and can manage anything, this strikes.. out of the blue, 'cos it was not anticipated.. just 54.. very very disturbing 'cos I was used to see a person so different and then I see just a skeleton and I go into denial, I knew the end was near and it was an eventuality but it did not prepare me enough.. when the end came, it shook me... every single memory painfully vanished, disappeared and the only thing was the duty in front of me, just be there.. for the man who connected us both..

It is different seeing elders performing the rituals for someone, no matter how close and another thing altogether doing them.  I seem to be coping well, do not know if it is just about the 10-day busy period.  If birth of my daughter made me mature in a moment, once again this death changed me even more, in ways inexplicable, now a lot of things left to be decided/suggested by me.. a lot of things I took for granted, I do not want to really bother about, I am in no way related to but i guess I need to... Strange, how people affect us.. all said, RIP.. I know we had a lot of differences but this was the least/last thing I wished for the person.  In a way, I am happy, the way she left.. being wanted, being loved rather than waiting for the demise... but still the naked truth about relationships, the selfishness, the carelessness, the negligence, the helplessness kind of shook me through and through.

I must admit that she is one of the strongest women who just crumbled to so much of pressure from within and outside as well but retained her mark to the end...!

Aug 20, 2012

Swathi Cartoonlu - 2

The continuation of the previous books, with cartoons on movies, heroines, heroes, story lines etc, along with his regular cartoons..

Loved going through them in one place.

Aug 15, 2012

Lose Control

A while ago, around 4 yrs. ago to be precise, I was haunted by a feeling that I was not the person I actually was.. at that point, took some decisions to correct things my way but due to inadvertent plans designed by an unknown almighty life ended up taking a completely different course.  If I was becoming a bitter person back then, the struggle to come out as a person actually has made be a lot more bitter.. sad but true, I now realize that my whole perception towards things/people has changed.

What I imagined the world to be or had seen the world until then was completely different, a total 360-degree turn and for the outspoken, blunt, rebellious me, it is all the more tough.  With my typical Aries rush into the wall heads-on attitude, I got what I want (freedom to be myself) but again down the line, I do not recognize the new me.  Cold-blooded (yes, where has the forgive, forget thing gone?), calculated (I now see everything in terms of how will it impact my peace and my kid's well being and then anything else), cunning (when I realize people are acting smart, I kind of stopped giving it back, follow the same strategy (totally useless/waste of time!!), superficial (when I got to see the real persons behind the masks of close relatives and friends, I kind of stopped believing in them), hyper angry (the morals going down drastically, lying to the face), scared (about the future for the kid here in India) above all care-a-damn attitude (when the very same people who showed me hell or did not let me live one peaceful moment during the entire course of pregnancy and first year of child turn up to say how beautifully and calculatedly things fell into place for me.. it hurts..'cos none of it was planned.  I was not even asking for help, I was just expecting to let me be.. Ironically, in reality the only person who really kind of let me be was the person I was running away from.

Running is not a solution, fighting is not a solution too, I hated fighting with a single person/family or was tired of manipulation and calculation but now I have to do it for every single thing that I want to do, as simple as going out for a while with or without the kid, so many questions.. which I can choose not to answer but then am just plain tired of all of it, I just want my time with myself and the kid and the OA to care for the remaining mess.  Emotionally, a woman is so tuned up from generations to generations that life is with the man, for the man and by the man and worst still is the fact that it is for the most part only the woman who believe and leave no stone unturned to make sure the other women succumb too...!! Upbringing..??!!??  I am not a feminist but I hate it to the core "vaadu magaadu" so much of pent up anger and again something is truly wrong, I leave the man out and target the woman for being so!!!! pcchhhhh

In the midst of all these, I really wonder what I really was, what I ended up being and how do I get to accept myself the way I am rather than resent it for one reason or the other!!!

Peace, calm, acceptance of one self top them all right now.

Swathi Caartoonlu-1, Bapu

A Rushi book house publication, compiled by Vemuri Balaram from Swathi, around 300 cartoons of Bapu in water colors, I guess.  I love his cartoons, a subtle satirical comedy and more than words the picture speaks...

A delight to have them all at one place.. finished 1st, will finish the second today :)

UnFollow'ed... Cord Cut???

Of late, I have realized that my life is more happening along the lines of internet, friendships thereof, live stories therein and even to the point of sharing, caring, firing on the people unknown, unheard of, unseen.. just a plain blind faith and trust that has bonded a lot of us ladies together.

An online community that has been my buddy in the toughest times, the only sane outlet other than the blog.. or must say more than the blog because I found peace and comfort looking at lives of women in various modes of life, very patient, taking care of home, studying/working, kids, maintaining wonderful relationships.. the true women of substance, who when need presents itself, just help, who meet often in real life, who share and care and provide life support... anything that I say about this wonderful place is really really less.. even an effort to put it in words is a waste, made some wonderful friends for life.. Thank you all for every single thing, I am touched with everything and how special you make me feel.

Before, I waver from my decision, I quickly get out of it for which I chose the Independence day.. the day I broke an important bond and got free... for good, certainly 'cos the kid will get my undivided attention, work gets done faster and I get to plan a lot of things from utter chaos that is impending in a short while due to some crucial decisions of life.  One remote corner still wants to take it along with the support system but something strongly says I need to get in touch with reality and real-time friends that I kind of left behind, very very far.... promising to look at it some time later in life, much later, a few more months later, by then the intensity would be a lot more milder and I know I could still survive!!!

Kid is used to having so many people around her, so much of attention and social life and in spite of it all clinginess to me, need to work on a lot of things before I isolate her from the surroundings and take her to an alien place.. firstly, I need to prepare my self and brace for the eventuality.

Once upon a time, I was addicted to FarmVille in FB so much so that I used to get up keeping alarm to harvest crops and this was when the kid was a newborn, I once skipped her 2-hr feeding schedule in the chaos and that day, it just stopped.. priorities!!! Kid and nothing more than that.. FV stopped cold turkey, since then I put my efforts at real life gardening and that too with the kid, green earth for a cute kid that I brought into this world!!.. then a couple of years laters, FB taking too much time, lack of privacy, too much of junk information like who went where with whom, how.. who ate what with which ingredients, whose kid/dog/cat/pet had what milestones and everything else became a lot more important than what my next door neighbor says or does..!!  One fine day, it is gone too.. and one more thing that glues me to the system other than this blog is Orkut and my favorite community in it.. and today, I put an end to it too.  No, I am not getting out of touch with Net or Net-izens, it is just that I am planning to be more involved with the next door citizen and get things in order in life..

I will be here for a while to come... well, I guess as long as I live, 'cos I need something, my place, my space..very own space..

Miss my buddies out there across the globe already, I have some withdrawal symptoms too but I am sure a couple of days, things will fall into place..

Love to one and all... and most importantly love to me :).. Self love.. the love for I, me, myself.. it is better with the clutter less in that IMM zone, however much wonderful people are online, I need to get in touch with things around me NOW....




Yugaantam - Yandamoori Veerendranath

Digging into my YVN collection I chance upon Yugantam which is a very thin book, pulled it out meaning it be a quick and easy breezy read.

A fiction based on a feeling what if world comes to an end suddenly and people get to know that the world is going to be destroyed by a star that by chance has come out of its orbit heads rapidly towards the earth, destroys moon and ultimately destroys earth.

A poor Indian professor by chance gets to know about this fact and when he tries to contact world powers, he gets to understand that the observatories have been closed.  Before he realizes the reason for their silence on the issue, things get out of his hand the facts come out open in media.  At first there is disbelief but as the moon disappears and things begin to happen the way the prof. predicts, people realize that end is near, how life is thrown out of gear, things are utter chaos, terror reigns supreme and eventually when the end comes how dirty things could get...

Considering this book was written even before the skylab incident, it is a scary fiction.. I mean if you had read this and then knew that sky lab thing is going to hit, I would have been scared!!!

Good read.

Rushi - Yandamoori Veerendranath

A fiction based on the human values, the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde mentality of a common man that comes and goes with fluctuating questionable values in going through a man's mind

manishini naitikamgaa tana chuttoo tanu nirminchukunna addugodallo naligipotoo, maaraleka, nacchinattu bratakaleka, vyasanaalaki baasinalavutoo, avvaalo ledo satamatamavutoo raka rakaalugaa bratakadam, bratakalekapovadam ane itivruttam meeda raasina pustakam..

A good read.


Devudi Paata - Penumaaka Nageswara Rao

kitty party ani stylegaa ee rojullo piluchukune daani asalu roopam cheeti paata ani chinnappudu vinedaanni nenu.. ivi vesi munigipoyina vaallu, munchesina vaallu, veeti aasa meeda jeevitaalu velladeesevaallu veellani choostoo perigina vaatavaranam naadi oka rakamgaa... madhya taragati sagatu bratukulo oka bhaagam aipoyina paata ee cheeti paata.

A fiction based on lives of people revolving around the monthly chits.. A lady who runs chits in a village, her past and present, an orphan girl who is raised collectively by the people in the village one per each day of the week, and each of the families in which she spends the week comprise of the main characters along with the guy who suddenly appears from that lady's past and takes her and the entire village for a ride... 

okay read.  Climax however is left to the reader's imagination....


Aug 4, 2012

Ankitam - Yandamoori Veerendranath

Typical YVN fiction with an illogical and unbelievable story line.  The story of a guy set out to save the son who he found at his doorstep as an infant.

The boy has failing kidneys and his kidney needs to be translated with one from his blood relatives, preferably a parent or a sibling for the fear of rejection as the time runs out, how the story unfolds where he realizes the boy is actually the son of the girl Sumadyuthi who he silently loves, who gets married to another guy who keeps doubting her for no fault of hers.  Though really illogical at times, I just loved the narrative and the quotes that come before certain chapters are really really good

"Aandolanani bootaddamlo chooste adi bhayam autundi"

Ninnu nuvvu kolpokundaa chesukogaligedi nuvve.


jeevitamlo rende rendu kaaranaalu phalitaalu, duradrushtavasaattu manam kaaranaalu vetukkodaaniki vecchinchina samayam phalitaalani sampaadinchataaniki ivvam.


Nijam - anveshanalonchi vastundi
Gelupu - krushilonchi vastundi


kontalo padi saatam, soonyamlo nooru saatam kante ekkuva.


ee prapamchamlo annitikante vishaadam enti ante manam chesede inkokaru cheste, adi manaki tappugaa anipinchatam.


... 


Many more such beautiful quotes and prologues in this book... simple wordslo soul-searching depth undi.. loved it.

Aug 1, 2012

Declutter

Phew, it is so easy to collect the mess that we do not need and might not ever use again, phew, no matter how much I try not to accumulate things just pile up... especially the kid's stuff these days.

I got a few new dresses, so time to give away the equal number which I am yet to do... same with the kid's clothes.. the catch here, however, is that I do not feel like giving the costly and really cute-looking fancy ones to the people in village :( and end up piling them up.  When I see the kids wearing them dirty and out of shape and color and everything, I feel it is such a waste.. :(, it would be better if I do not see others wearing them.

Toys....!  I have stopped buying toys to the kid this year consciously... other than an odd ball or puzzle, I did not getting anything but the old ones which for the same reason I cannot throw way are lying in front of me.. high time I need to either pack them off my sight or give them away...

The kid is having her first exam and looks like I am having the blues :).  First Unit test to be precise.. big day for her and so mine too.  From the bottom of the heart, I am not really bothered about the outcome or whatever or even generate that exam fear into her but I guess she got it from school but she was practicing her Aa, Bb, Cc (written), Aa to Jj (oral/identification).. which is the portion for today's English oral/written test... I told her to take it easy and not bother to prepare as she already knows them but she is insistent that one has to study and study and study for the exam.. God!!! where did she get that, certainly not from me.. kiddo definitely or maybe even OA.

My heart went out when she was practicing again and again and again what she already knew just because it was an exam day.. did not know whether to stop her or just let her be....

phew my parenting blues!


For Evil Eyes on LO