Maa kuru dhana jana yavvana garvam, harathi nimishe kaalam sarvam...
This is what was ringing in the backdrop as I travel to the final rites of OA's mother, a person I had been cross with for a while, I guess I was cross with the whole world for a while. In just a matter of minutes or hours, everything gets over.. just like that one vanishes into thin air, never to be seen only leaving imprints in mind, fresh for the time being and gradually diminishing.
I guess my experience with death has taken quite a lot of transformation and this one in particular made me feel all the more different.. Up close it was my amma I had seen lying lifeless, every single thing being performed in front of my eyes.. the 10 days passed in a ziffy and then it hit me, the loss coming in waves, high and low.. then it was Taatee, which was altogether a different one 'cos I did not see his bodily departure from this planet, just got the news and understand I no longer can see him.. period!! This time the pain was more than ever, realizing being an orphan or feeling so.. devastation and then recently budda mama.. a different angle and perception about death and related stuff..
Just when I thought I have seen it all and can manage anything, this strikes.. out of the blue, 'cos it was not anticipated.. just 54.. very very disturbing 'cos I was used to see a person so different and then I see just a skeleton and I go into denial, I knew the end was near and it was an eventuality but it did not prepare me enough.. when the end came, it shook me... every single memory painfully vanished, disappeared and the only thing was the duty in front of me, just be there.. for the man who connected us both..
It is different seeing elders performing the rituals for someone, no matter how close and another thing altogether doing them. I seem to be coping well, do not know if it is just about the 10-day busy period. If birth of my daughter made me mature in a moment, once again this death changed me even more, in ways inexplicable, now a lot of things left to be decided/suggested by me.. a lot of things I took for granted, I do not want to really bother about, I am in no way related to but i guess I need to... Strange, how people affect us.. all said, RIP.. I know we had a lot of differences but this was the least/last thing I wished for the person. In a way, I am happy, the way she left.. being wanted, being loved rather than waiting for the demise... but still the naked truth about relationships, the selfishness, the carelessness, the negligence, the helplessness kind of shook me through and through.
I must admit that she is one of the strongest women who just crumbled to so much of pressure from within and outside as well but retained her mark to the end...!