There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Aug 15, 2012

Lose Control

A while ago, around 4 yrs. ago to be precise, I was haunted by a feeling that I was not the person I actually was.. at that point, took some decisions to correct things my way but due to inadvertent plans designed by an unknown almighty life ended up taking a completely different course.  If I was becoming a bitter person back then, the struggle to come out as a person actually has made be a lot more bitter.. sad but true, I now realize that my whole perception towards things/people has changed.

What I imagined the world to be or had seen the world until then was completely different, a total 360-degree turn and for the outspoken, blunt, rebellious me, it is all the more tough.  With my typical Aries rush into the wall heads-on attitude, I got what I want (freedom to be myself) but again down the line, I do not recognize the new me.  Cold-blooded (yes, where has the forgive, forget thing gone?), calculated (I now see everything in terms of how will it impact my peace and my kid's well being and then anything else), cunning (when I realize people are acting smart, I kind of stopped giving it back, follow the same strategy (totally useless/waste of time!!), superficial (when I got to see the real persons behind the masks of close relatives and friends, I kind of stopped believing in them), hyper angry (the morals going down drastically, lying to the face), scared (about the future for the kid here in India) above all care-a-damn attitude (when the very same people who showed me hell or did not let me live one peaceful moment during the entire course of pregnancy and first year of child turn up to say how beautifully and calculatedly things fell into place for me.. it hurts..'cos none of it was planned.  I was not even asking for help, I was just expecting to let me be.. Ironically, in reality the only person who really kind of let me be was the person I was running away from.

Running is not a solution, fighting is not a solution too, I hated fighting with a single person/family or was tired of manipulation and calculation but now I have to do it for every single thing that I want to do, as simple as going out for a while with or without the kid, so many questions.. which I can choose not to answer but then am just plain tired of all of it, I just want my time with myself and the kid and the OA to care for the remaining mess.  Emotionally, a woman is so tuned up from generations to generations that life is with the man, for the man and by the man and worst still is the fact that it is for the most part only the woman who believe and leave no stone unturned to make sure the other women succumb too...!! Upbringing..??!!??  I am not a feminist but I hate it to the core "vaadu magaadu" so much of pent up anger and again something is truly wrong, I leave the man out and target the woman for being so!!!! pcchhhhh

In the midst of all these, I really wonder what I really was, what I ended up being and how do I get to accept myself the way I am rather than resent it for one reason or the other!!!

Peace, calm, acceptance of one self top them all right now.


Sirisha said...

i m lost after reading this... mixed feelings..

Sandhya said...

Hang in there, Sree. You are doing well. When a woman decides to do something on their own, society will leave no stone unturned to discourage the girl from doing what she wants. Anyone who confronts age-old traditions created by a society is branded as a rebel. Dont worry. Just do what you think is right. Sabki suno apni karo.

For Evil Eyes on LO