What is it that matters to me the most.. what do I feel like putting on the paper when I actually start to think about life in general and my life in particular... Of course, Amma... how sweet is that one word in this whole universe.. one of the first few words that we learn in the initial stages of life, the one that sees us through all the troubles, and the one and only one unconditional bond that one has with another individual. This unique person is usually the biological mother of the individual but for me, it is my granny the greatest.
My life begins and pauses with her.... yeah, paused, right now it is.... I feel like I am uprooted, the pain is unbearable, so difficult to bear that everything else seems to be a void.
Amma, what do I have to say about her.. she is simply the best.
Summarizing her life, she is not anyone so great to get a mention in the annals of the human history but she sure has been the best human being possible, catering to the needs of people around her, bearing everything with a sweet smile and undying belief, keeping the family together in the most turbulent times. If I actually want to honor her memory, how do I actually do that... just be like her, maybe. Take things in my stride and bear everything with a grin (Ughhhh... that is not me!!!!!!). Maybe I can imbibe her principles in my life and just face it as bravely as she did but in my very own way... well this seems okay!!! I promise you amma, I will try to be a good human being if not the best!!! If I succeed even to a little extent that would be an ode for you..
Born in a family of 4 brothers, youngest, you had been the apple of their eyes... but not for long, come 15, you were married to grandpa (the great gambler!!!) and there began your unending struggle... thrown into some very different world, playboy hubby (phew.. difficult to think of taatee like that, but playboy he was... movies, girlfriends, cards, smoke.. what not!!!), 5 kids again, one daughter and 4 sons. It is really scary how you even managed, the taunts of the sisters-in-law, an unruly husband, and bunch of children with their futures at stake. Hats off amma!! you pulled it off extremely well.. look at where they are now, the values you have given them have taken them a long way.. and not to forget me, you brought me up, gave me a desire to live, never ever made me feel I am disabled or that I cant do this or that. You made me self-reliant. All this sensible, caring, concerned, or whatever adjectives that people tag me with are because of you. How can I ever stop thanking you for making me what I am.
You always had something to teach me, even with your death, you taught me a lot of lessons... to never lose my cool.. You were there on your deathbed and I did not realize you were just moving away, to some place where I would never ever see you again.. I was fighting my own battles, trying to figure out what to do after you come home and not be with you, stay with you and feel that pain with you... I just saw you take your last breath. Standing there helpless was the worst moment of my life, I could have given anything, even my own life, to keep you with me given a chance. Feeling that lifeless form of yours in my hands is the worst sensation. How could I ever forgive myself for not staying with you in the hospital.. I tried amma, nobody let me... why did you just slip like water out of my fist.. I miss you amma.. I feel lost in this big mad mad world.
My life always revolved around you, nothing else mattered, so secure, so coccooned, I knew you were there and I just needed to look back and find you next to me, leading me at times and guiding me forevever. One phone call and that voice still rings in my ears... that very comforting tone. There are days when I see that entry Amma in my mobile and long to listen to your voice.. every time i see your smiling photo on my desk top.. I just feel like you are next to me with that impish grin, turn around and see nothing but void.
Hmmm... this is the first time ever I am trying to write about you after your departure.. It is very comforting to know that you are there around me in spirit but my heart just refuses to move on.. people keep asking me how many times do you remember her in a day.. remember!!!! do I ever forget you... you are in everything I do, everything I see, everything I hear... Some people and certain things keep me from falling into those blues time and again but unless I pull my own strings nothing is going to help.. amma gimme the courage to move on... Just be there amma.... help me, as always, to move on.
PS: Moved from my other blog.