Foreword

There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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May 23, 2014

spending, working, traveling...

This year, particularly after coming to Stamford, had been moving too much to friends places and not actually staying at our house, while it is good to meet family once in a while, it is getting too costly and taxing..

I should be putting an end to being on the move, focus more on the kid, sticking around with her, doing the activities that will make her a better individual, spend more time with each other before she goes in to the big world of studies, friends, activities and a whole lot of them...

i am not working, and kind of started loving the parasite living where I do not want to worry about bringing home the butter.. earlier there was this pain asking OA to take anything for my personal needs, it was so painful, but now i do not really feel anything as such spending the money and that is what I think is the most dangerous thing.. in this phase, I lose track of what I spend, how much I spend, is there a need, where should i stop and of course valuing someone's hardearned stuff...

i am becoming everything that I hated at some point, want to come out of it and trying to but then sinking back in... not yet another promise to myself which i dont wont and cant fulfill, just a reminder to see if there is this person who I used to be still in me...


Too Little Too Late - Victoria Christopher Murray

I am not into too much reading these days and am not picking books by browsing in the library, I go to the book discussion picks in the library and get a few of them and go over them and of course a DS :p to go with it :), maybe i should pay more attention at least reading what it is it before i get it to read and then force myself to read.

I have never really tried religious fiction any time and I have not really checked out that it is an African-Amercian Christian Fiction when I picked it up...It took all my will power to get to read and complete this book, the slow pace, a jealous wife who is a perpetual liar, who keeps secrets from a holier than Thou husband who believes in the power of prayer and god of relationships and secrets, of impulses and control or the lack of it,  working on a troubled marriage and all that...

I could not totally relate to it, neither understand it nor will I get back to reading any such... some emotions, feelings that i cannot relate to to, do not agree with...


The Klone and I - Danielle Steele

Yet another DS BS that I picked up from the library... I make it a point to get one of hers each time, I think it is my comfort read or whatever, pick it up, read the expected turns, the final outcome but for the first time I was actually confused about one of DS books.. A lady coming out of break up finds an irresistible guy who makes her feel good after the crappy life she had with her ex and then puts her in a soup when he sends his replica/clone to keep her engaged...!!!! and the lady is split as to what she really wants and how much she can really take... if you think the routine DS is beaten to death storyline over and over and over again, this is just a twist to the same stuff...

chadiveppudu okay but chadivinaaka rakarakaalugaa anipistundi as usual :-p

May 17, 2014

My double standards

Kandaki leni durada kattipeetaki typelo undi naa pani, nenu Indialo lenu eppudeltaano teliyadu, ellinaa TG/APlo untaano ledo teliyadu, am here for greener pastures, want to stay here badly, visa, extensions, GC and ultimately citizenship idi naa major concern, adi marchipoyi naaku any other gola avasaramaa

Naaku intlone major opposition untadi from OA, CBN toti evarainaina poliste adi tanaki bootu, naaku adi pogadta, but we are both happy teasing each other, akkada andaru leaders happy, each other's family friends, lights camera action laaga mike munduku vaste kaaru kootalu, switch off kaangane personal calls... inka manaki enduku chinta.. nobody is getting anybody wrong, it is a free flow of emotions which we get under control in a day or 2... manaki aallevaru ayya chuttamoo kaadu, amma chutaamoo kaadu..

Intaki ee gnaanodayaaniki reason enti ante I should learn to control and not impact Sreya in future with my personal judgments and comments...chinna mindlo impressions enta bhayamkaramgaa padatayi anataaniki nenu practical example. Calling myself a global citizen, I some times wonder at my small, cheap thinking! What people did in the past anedi I have not seen, I am not a believer in history, in fact it is to me nothing less than figments of someone's really fertile imagination, writers being 2 people the rulers/dictators or sufferers/underdogs where one never gets a clear picture about the feelings of a neutral common man who just wants to go about his life. I have not been in those times. Naaku telisina nenu choosindi, agitations moolaana chaduvu paadavatam, day to day lifeki ibbandi, and some really funny allegations, through which I make some impressions along with what had been drilled down through the elders around me, club it and make a bhootam in my mind and critcize others at any given opportunity... what is it giving me, a moment of excitement, aggressive passion, and then nothing really changes.. what I look at is a bright future for my own daughter and since we are social beings I want her to be in a happy society, everything boils down to I, me, myself... adi Indialo puttindi, ikkada penchutunnaanu and ikkade unchaali anukuntunna, so no point feeding her my half-baked knowledge and facts even subconsciously through discussing stuff... a very strong resolution!!! and it hurts me to see how we can carry on negative feelings so strong that it creates unrest in a peaceful existence, I dont want it to happen to the kids at least.

I have been a victim of thoughts like egurutunnaaru vidipotaaru anta, ponee malle legichi choostaam vaallu elaago addagolu aipotaaru konni rojullo.  Look back at that thought process with a sane mind, how ridiculous the thinking is... Andhrollaki adhikaara daaham, telangaanollaki kaalmokkutaa banchen anatam alavaatu, what the hell, manishi ekkadaina okkate, biddalandariki naalugu vellu notloki vellaayaa, kantiki nidra, ontiki gudda, nettina needa unnaayaa ledaa... edo maayadaari dabbu jabbu patti illu meeda illu, polam meeda sthalam meeda polam meeda sthalam koni daachukodam tappa aakhariki migiledenti aaradugula goyya ledante ara chembudu boodida, deeniki inta garvam ahankaaram, kopam, teevrata avasaramaa... pakkodini choosi navvite mutyaalu raalipotaayemo anenta hadavudi bratukullo, time teesukuni okarini okaru dveshinchukotam avasaramaa... ekkado kullu kadigeyyaali ani vaadinchenenu naaloni kulluni kadagalenaa mundu...




May 15, 2014

antaraantaraalu..

okappudu manasulo edo cheyyaalani tapana, manishigaa puttinanduku mana baadhyata manam nirvartinchaali ane oka korika, bratakadam kaadu jeevinchaali anukshanam ane balamaina nammakam... ivanni kalipite nenu, ivi leni naadu naaku astitvam ledu anukunedaanni.  Ippudu edo teliyani nissaaram, poddunna legiste, avakaasam dorikite laptop, cinemalu, serials... enduku??  kaaranam alochinchaali ante kooda medaduki padunu pettaali adi kooda naaku ishtam ledu mari..

oka pandanti bidda, oka kotta chiguru, nenu oopiri posi, netturu panchi kanna pasidi... daanni penchi pedda cheyyaali anna badhyata, jeevitam alaa sukhamgaa saagipoka enduku ee vairaagyam, emi pattani niraasaktata??

manasuki nilakada ledu.. nijamlo bratakadam ishtam ledu, pettukuntene kadaa pegu bandhamaina inke bandhamaina, alochiste teerani samasyala sudigundamlo irukkupovadam avasaramaa??  aa tera meeda kanipinche bommala kadhalu, vaari jeevitaalu, aa kalpanallo bratikeste sagam godavalundavu kada?  nenilaa kooda alochistaana, alochinche ee saalegootlo chikkukunnaana, chikkukunnaaka ee kaaranaalu vetukutunnaana...ee antarjaalapu maaya jaalam mingesedaaka enduku tecchukunnaanu.. evari meeda ee kasi, kopam.

soonyamloki choostoo, anavasara vishayaala gurinchi alochistoo, avasaram aina panulu munduku jaripestoo, alaa alaa alaa rojantaa gadipestoo... idi nenenaa??

 addamlo moham choosukunte evaro gurtu teliyananni maarpulo ontlo roju rojuki perigipotunna kovvu nilavalu, vaatini choosi moham chitlinchukuni, naalika tippesukuni aa astamaanoo addam mundare untaamenti, choosevaadi kharma, manaki kanipinchadugaa anesukuni sardukupovadam...jeevitamlo chinna chinna vishayaallo aanandam vetukkune nenu kevalam tindilo aatmasantosham pondadam, vidhi vaipareetyama naa paityamaa... enta tinnaa inkonchem tinaalemo ani benga, endulo ekkuva kovvu unte adi m aatrame jihvaki atyabtudamgaa undatam, deenikantatiki muddugaa "depression" ani peru pettukuni, naa meeda nene jaalipadesi inkonchem tinesi, inkaasini cinemaalu choosi tongodam...idi kooda nenena??

pustakam chaduvutoo prapanchaanni marchipoye nenenaa, adi pakkanunnaa choosi choodanattundatam, chadavatam modalu pettagaane, abbo tv aite pani chesukuntoo chooducche ee pustakam valla kaadabba ani moolana padeyyadam... paatalu vintu gaallo telipotoo, aa sangeetam manasuni doodipinjelaa maarustoo, aa saahityam manasuki prasaantata kalpistoo unte sarvam marchipoyi prakrutilo leenam aipovadam... alaa chesi ennaallayyindoo...

manushulato maatladatam, vividha praantaala, bhashala vaallu, vaari vaari jeevana sravanthilo telutunte choostoo asvaadinchadam, oka jana pravaahamlo anaamikalaa andarini choostu, parisaraalanu gamanistoo, nannu nenu marchipoyi, vaari santoshamlo aanandam, vaari vichaaramlo baadha rakarakaala anubhootulu kalabosukuntoo unde nenenaa eppudu vacchinavaadu pote naa maanaana nenu naa lokamlo undocchu anukuntondi..

pasi biddala bosi navvulu, vaari chinnari chetulu, chitti potti baatalu, maatalu, veetini minchina aanandam swargam kaani marokati undedaa asalu, marippudu, kaneesam aa chirunavvulu choodataaniki okka kshanam kooda aagatlede??

manasuna manasai todorokarundina ade bhaagyamu ani enno kalalu kantoo, avi taarumaaraite tiragabadi maree jeevitamlo astitvaanni nilupukunna nenenaa ee roju anni baagunnaa edo asantruptilo kottumittadutondi...uvvettuna leche kerataaniki edurelle manastatvam alaa stabdamgaa enduku maaripoyindi??

chuttupakkala chinna vayasulone cancer bhaarina padi praanalu kolpeyevaallu, daanito poraade endarendarino choostoo, inkaa arogyam subbaramgaa undi kooda enduku ee niraasa nispruhalu...

poraadi poraadi alisipoyina manasuki sareeraaniki visraantiniste tirigi punjukovaali kaani ilaa maree deela padipotonde... potta kootiki pani chesukuntoo, rekkaadite kaani dokkaadani rojulu maaraayi ani santoshinchaalo, panilo, krushilo unde amrutaanandaanni kolpoyinanduku dukkhinchaalo artham kaavatledem??

satosham, kopam, dukkham, enduku eppudostaayo teliyadam lede?

when I look at myself and say I am a survivor.. what is the use of survival in life without a purpose or a reason...

antaraantaraallo, ekkado gunde porallo enno alochanalu, prasnalu, edo raayaali, edo cheyyaali... ee moduvaarutunna jeevitaaniki oka paramaardham kanukkovaali... aa raayi, rappa, nenu anni okate, ave merugu nenendu tindi dandaga ane alochana sarali ninchi bayataki raavaali... edokati cheyyaali... entadi?? evaro chepte chesedi kaadu, ilaage manasu porallonchi raavaali... aluperugani alochanalani cheelchukuni daari kanipistundi okanaatiki... aasa undi, swasa undi, astramundi, sastramundi.... eppudu oppukovadduraa otami ani nidralepe Sirivennala saahityamundi...

maaraali, maarataanu, maari choopistaanu, evariko kaadu... naake!! There is nothing really left to prove to anyone other than myself...



May 14, 2014

Please Look After Mom - Kyung-Sook Shin

This is one of the most heart-touching reads that I had in a long long long long long time.  Some thing which kept reminding me of life of my grandmother, something which I had wanted to write for a long time, a contemporary look at what would she have done during my times, what would I have done in hers and quite a lot of feelings.  It stirred so many emotions.

The author brings out the emotions perfectly, just about the right portions to pull your heart strings.  It is the tale of the children and husband of a woman who gets lost at a railway station in a crowd and could not be found.  Things they discover about the woman, how they realize that they do not know a thing about the person who knew every single about them, who sacrificed for them, who looked after them all the while, the stranger she had been to her own family...

extremely powerful narration...

May 10, 2014

Mothers Day

I have a confession to make on mother's day...no, I am not being modest or a self-critic, the truth is I have been a very negligent mom, not up to the mark and this no one has to judge but I know from deep within... and what better day than the MD to start mending the current state of things..

Happy Mothers Day

The Political Wait

With the bifurcated state, it becomes extremely crucial that the first 10 yrs. when there are major reforms, changes, new things that are going to be put in place, a proper govt. holds fort.  In this situation, only LSP can do complete justice is what I personally feel but since that is a most remotest possibility the next best is CBN, who i really really admire to take the reigns but looking at the money and muscle used, it is scary to think of the alternative option!!

but come to think of it again 80% of people coming out on streets to vote means that people want a change, stability... while there are a lot of doubts, there is still a hope... waiting for 16th!

For Evil Eyes on LO