There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Apr 30, 2016

Z - Zeal

It is vital to have a passion for something in life otherwise it becomes such a drag.  That missing something and that something which clearly shows in all my posts so far.  Looking back I can clearly feel the difference in the rest of my posts over the years and the ones now but then the revival has happened and I am positive the zeal to make it happen and the end of writer's block is going to be there soon..

come to think of it, it is not a writer's block it is a pause in the life a loooooooooooooooong pause of meaningless meandering around mundane things of life...

Thank you A-Z challenge to keep me motivated to post, it did help...

With just a few more minutes to spare to the end of this challenge, I reach the finish line...


Y - Yearning

Human mind yearns for something that is not within its reach.  I yearn to go back to life with my grandparents, where I did not have the luxuries but the youth and enthusiasm to go on with life, longing to be a part of natural lifestyle, up close with nature but then reality knocks at the door and here we are slogging it out every day.

Apr 26, 2016

X - X-Mas

The spirit of Christmas is so infectious here in US, everything so bright, nights are so lit up and pretty, Santa in the malls, songs on the radio, happiness everywhere.. festival in the truest sense.  Coming from India where almost every other week is a festival if we celebrate, it comes as a change.

Brightly lit streets remind me of Diwali at home, the red and gold the bright colors from the sober colors we usually get see on people outside, the egg nogg, the Christmas trees, the yard decors everything cheery....

This year, the child got her own little Christmas tree, decorated it the way she liked the best and was happy making me happy... This is the only festival she knows is celebrated given that we don't believe in any family rituals at home and nothing specific is done.

Apr 25, 2016

W - Work

One major question mark in my life is work.  Well there is work every single day but when I mean work, it means that which has goals and targets set for me, which earns money, respect and adds value to my life.  Have always had set targets for myself, reached the milestones where needed, tried to be the best in what I did and when I look back, I was very happy as long as I worked, lived life on my terms, did job on my terms and I do miss it, miss a structure in my life, miss anything purposeful to do.  Although being a mom and a wife and a homemaker is a full time job, I am slipping into a zombie mode slowly but surely....

V - Vegetarianism

Food is an acquired culture and I wish a lot of times that I were raised a non-vegetarian.  As a child, I never thought about how the meat comes, it tasted yummy, it was a treat once a week, then as an adult it was a habit and the first choice given I had an option.  Moving out here to US, eating out meant less vegetarian options and then chicken all the way.  I try hard to stop but I guess the hard is not enough 'cos I still end up eating meat from time to time.

I have noticed a difference in when I eat meat and when I dont.  If we pay close attention to our body, we realize the changes happening within, how it impacts any of us, the emotions.  I am sometimes amazed how much the pull of tongue is that I am not able to give it up for good.  It is still a work in progress I so wish I did stop it like yesterday...

Apr 23, 2016

U - Uber

Life for a nondriver in US is too dependent, long waits for bus, high prices for cabs, requests and more requests and all in all a pain.

Uber has come to me as savior, not too expensive, on time and independent.  It feels good to be able to move around with the child without any help.

PS:  I note my posts are getting smaller and smaller and more and more irrelevant these days and it kind of shows the lag that is kind of setting in, dragging and doing it by force and lot of self motivation.  I do not want to give up on the challenge or the note to myself to scribble something at the end of the day and see how much gibberish I can fill in here before I get back on track...

Apr 22, 2016

T - Time

Time and tide wait for none.  Have been hearing this all through my life... In a day, having nothing in specific to do on certain days, I lapse into my TV watching, browsing mode and then within no time it is time pick the child.  Time just disappears into thin air when it comes to a growing kid, here an infant, there a toddler ad within no time a 7-year old... so many things I want to do with her but the merciless time just runs and runs...

S - Sanity

It is very difficulty to retain sanity surrounded by people who expect to you to allow them to walk all over you.

To be sane with so many things going on your life is a well balanced act.... S also stands for sleepy, which I am right now but got to finish a post on this alphabet so I just zip through it :).

Apr 20, 2016

R - Reason

Like the adage goes common sense is the most uncommon thing these days, it is also a fact that we cannot reason with a person who is bent on being unreasonable.  I hate group politics or for that matter anything to do with having to do more than regular hi and byes in a group.  It is extremely difficult not to get into anything if we tend to go out often to the same places and keep bumping every day.

Of late I have been sucked up into a conflict between a few individuals refusing to see reason and then pulling everyone in the periphery to take sides but shouldnt that be an indicator to just leave it and run and not look back.. in stead there I am trying to fix it somehow... that itself is beyond reason... grrr...

Who said reasoning with self was easy, it is easy to give in to the spur of the moment against all good sense... 

Q - Quantico

 At this point in time, the crazy cranky me has got hooked on to Quantico and of course what else would I be doing watch it back to back whenever possible.

I actually thought of writing a post on Quest, Questions and Queer whatever or all 3 put together but given the fact that I skipped a day to post but not skipped watching an episode makes it worthy of the post.  I have stopped checking out any series on netflix or just because of the fact that they are readily available at one place and then there is no stopping me whatsoever until I finish it.  Yes, I liked it, there was this initial suspense but down to 13 and still not able to figure out a thing is not actually gripping but kind of getting boring but then me being me will see the end of it and get up to date.

Priyanka is good, better than expected, the fact that she ended up in this major role is commendable and must agree she is doing a great job.

PS:  I must confess that though I want to really put my heart into it and write good, these days out of sheer exhaustion at the end of the day, I am posting without thinking or am posting stuff that need less thinking....

Apr 18, 2016

P - Photos

One of the things that makes me happy is looking at pictures of mine, my friends and random people trying to figure out their exact feelings at the time of the captures, the moments that were frozen in print or on the camera.  It gives me immense pleasure to go back to that time with a smile on the face or a sadness at the memory of the loved ones who are not there with us either physically or at a distant place.  I used to cherish a camera, the good old roll camera where prints needed to be developed, stored in albums, stick ons or  slip ons, brought out time and again.  There was a value for the moment and we revisited often.  In the midst of all the digital pics that we take, everywhere and anywhere from the digicams, handicams, the smart phones and of course the latest craze of selfies.

I used to love photography at some point and when I could not afford a decent camera, one of my dreams was to buy a camera but then after I could, it never really clicked.  Looking through the lens was never my forte as such or let me put it this way, I could not just do it at the pace I wanted to and the spark just died off.  I am amazed at the number of pictures some people take, every where and anywhere, the distorted faces, the pouted lips, the selfies so much so that they forget to live the moment, everything for the picture, smiles, poses and worst part is the wedding photographers, it is like no one can see the event happening live in front of the eyes with their own 2 eyes, only on screens, or some gaps between the hovering lights, camera, cousins with cams, phone cams, etc.

Watching the event live, resisting the urge to take n number of pictures, letting the designated camera persons to do the needful should be good or at least I have realized that.  When the kid performs, we watch it, I prefer enjoying the moment, retaining that feel.  I have thousands of photos and videos I have not gotten back to in a long long long time and if I had continued at the rate I took them in the first year of kids life I would have taken millions of them by now.  If I miss this moment trying to film it than enjoy it, I can never live the moment.  Yes memories are important, they should be made along the way, they should be natural, not manufactured smiles, pretension rather than real feeling, I might not get along with the person next to me but the moment a cam comes on, the actor in me takes a plunge and yes we look like the best buddies all plastic smiles plastered over...

I am not saying everyone is like that or every moment is like that.  we need to capture the moment at that moment and then let it go, not get hung up on it.

Apr 17, 2016

O - Outdated, Old

My birthday and what a coincidence, as I get old I get the alphabet O on this day.  It seems like ages since I have been inhabiting this earth, less and less of people we call grandparents, lots and lots of kids calling me aunty :).  Except for the lack of stamina, it does not really bother me much.

Finally I have that single strand of white hair which technically is a starting point of "old" and as the adage goes it is absolutely true, you are only as old as you think you are...

Old movies, old songs, old friends, old people are still my favorite things.

Outdated I am in various ways, career wise, technology wise and also contemporary trend wise......

Apr 16, 2016

N - News (Nuisance and New Sense)

News from all over India and World News, I remember waiting for that round ball and that DD tune, first "praanteeya vartalu" then Jaateeya vartalu and late at night prapancha varthalu.  we used to look at TV with quite a lot of interest to know what is happening, which Summit, what olympics, what new budget, just the important and crucial information, important and meaning discussions.  Programs like Surbhi, intelligent and informational.  Now switch on a TV, all sorts of nonsense, celebrity gossips, political garbage, a couple fights, a boyfriend and girl friend make a ruckus,with 24/7 airtime, we get everything but useful news, more of a nuisance and the new sense that it is full of nonsense and often makes you feel that we can do away without knowing what they want to feed us.  Each party has a channel, a paper which acts like promotional videos 24/7 and party manifestos or daily newsletters doing nothing mudslinging on everything and every one opposing that party in question.

New words coined, new issues brought forth to keep the TRPs rolling, pushing the mike in front of a mom whose kid just died as to how she feels, disgusting!!

Apr 15, 2016

M - Memories

Memories, ever present, ready to descend on us the moment we knock their door.  The treasures that we gather over a lifetime, some times like our friends bringing in fragrance of the past and at times enemies rippling up the calm surface for a long long time.  Wanted, unwanted, invited, uninvited, memories are our constant company just a call away, soothing you, ruffling you, healing you of pain, causing a series of pain, all at once in a moment of seconds hand in hand with our thoughts...

Memories we want to share with our loved ones, memories that we would not want anyone to know, those that we want to forget so badly like those scary bad dreams you vaguely remember on waking up and then actually completely forget.

Some I want to bring back time and again, to live in that warmth like the voice of my grandmother, the touch of my grandfather, that feeling of sleeping in her lap... the scents in the kitchen that remind me of her, those taste buds that crave for the exact same taste of her handmade food, that protective hand of my grandfather, that look of concern in his face when he thought or knew I was hurting, those childish games, running around in the comfort of their home, every thing that I can give anything to get back to but know I cant.

Some I want to shut out completely, not even think to myself, some things I did, things that happened, choices that I made, options that I did not take, people I disappointed, career path, the way I let it go.

and then there is this eternal reminder to live in present and not in memories and come back to the moment on hand, NOW and wonder what kind of memory this present would make..

Apr 14, 2016

L - Love

Everything that we do in life is with love, otherwise it does not have a meaning, at least to me.  I have realized one thing of late that "loving yourself" is the most important thing.  Well, it might be but natural 'cos that is what I was destined to being the typical Linda Goodman style Arien :-) whose first love is supposedly "I, Me, Myself".

The first, foremost and the most precious love that I had known or can recollect is that of my grandparents, strangely yes, it is was amma and taatee and not my mom and dad, maybe because that is where I grew up most of my preschool life.   They were poor, had to take monetary help from my parents to give us what "extra benefits" (fancy clothing, hyd-suitable lifestyle, all that) our parents wanted us to have but still nothing compared to the food that tasted the yummiest in spite of simple ingredients, no frill comfy clothing and completely organic fresh lifestyle free from pollution and lots and lots of attention, it was love everywhere and that mattered the most.

Then the parental love, mom worked hard at job and at home to give what she thought was the best, good education, good upbringing, good values.  I remember dad showering all his love on me vaguely but then it stops there, I cant recollect anything more maybe that anger in me is blocking those childhood moments.

Sibling love, one who has gone through every single thing that I had gone through as a child, maybe the only one who comes closest to myself to actually understand how I turned out to be me, my fears, my insecurities, my stubbornness, my strengths, my weaknesses my everything, my rock solid pillar.  It is a strange relationship where we hardly talk around 2 to 3 times a year yet I know he is there for me and vice versa.

Love from friends that kept me going through highs and lows, support and encouragement, unconditional love, my guardian angels without wings who have taken care of me without expecting anything...

Then came some infatuations, crushes and major crashes and finally a love which turned out to be a decision to spend the rest of our lives together and here we are, are we still in love, yes we love the fact that we are destined to be together and love the security that we have each other, that we have a common factor to glue us together, a child that we brought into our lives.  It is not all rosy anymore but there are no thorns either.

AND it is only after the birth of my daughter that I actually understand and relate much more to all the types of love that I have ever experienced.  LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... the kid all covered in gooey mess, just cleaned up and placed in front of me, a pink leaf-thin tongue sticking out and licking me and that is when everything else falls into a perspective.  Nothing else matters more than her.  I am not sure how I would react to a child of my child or if I would be alive to feel that but I know one thing for sure nothing has been or will be the same once you feel that gushing love for a child, your own flesh and blood.

How can this post be complete without my true and one and only love, the "Almighty" the purest of pure forms of love.

Apr 13, 2016

K - Kindness

Being kind is the simplest thing that one can do, we need not go out of our way to make someone feel special or give us their best of the smiles.  Children by default do that, spread joy through their smiles which they are kind enough to show on everyone and anyone they see and who they don't feel scared of or threatened by.

Random acts of kindness do give immense pleasure, something as simple as letting the other person go in front of you in a grocery line, offering to hold the lift door or the door when the person has 2 handfuls of stuff to hold on to, things as simple as these.  Kindness is not something one has to try hard to inculcate it has to be the second nature of an individual and then the human race would be an ideal lot :).

Consciously I have made it a point to do or say a good thing, however small it might be every single day whenever and wherever possible.  It does not take too much to genuinely appreciate an individual and if it brightens up somebody's day, there is nothing like it.

Apr 11, 2016

J - Job

There was never a question of not working in my life 'cos I had a working mom and also the fact that we could not afford to idle away or study further doing nothing.  I was not even a graduate when I started working and luckily it was something that I liked so it was never an issue to continue or not.  Could not work much back here due to status issues, worked for a couple of months and it never really worked out.

I am no longer sure if I can get back to working but I certainly feel that it is very important for a child to have a role model to work and go about life, stay strong, make decisions without thinking twice about finances...

Apr 10, 2016

I - India

It is but obvious that if A is for America, I would MOST certainly stand for India...

Each time my brother visits us here in US, he is like, WHATTT??  It feels like India the moment we enter your home, we talk, cook, eat, think Indian not even an effort to blend in culturally.  While we both enjoy the benefits of the west, coming to the way of life it is INDIA all the way.

There are times when my heart longs to be there, to have that sense of belonging, that "sthaana balam" to breathe the air of freedom.  Not that anyone is restricting me here, in fact it is much more free out here but still the fact that I can do whatever I want to, go wherever I want to, understand what everyone around me feels or says, whether to work or not depends on other factors than a piece of paper which seals my fate as "non-working, dependent" alien.  Be one among the "browns" not being looked down and sneered at some times openly, some times behind the back, termed rude, mean, banshees and what not, ridiculed for our dressing and food.  The eternal "curry smell" debate, the smiles that end at the lips and never reach the heart or the eyes, the constant nagging feeling that we dont belong here even though we have set our roots here, though we look like Indians but sound and live like Americans (ABCDs).. in short, in spite of all the wealth, freedom and space I dont actually feel FREE.

To deny the fact that racism exists is ridiculous, That aside, I am not terming every non-Indian into one category or whatever, the point of this long rhetoric is I dont feel I belong to this place where I live.  No matter how eloquently I might want to put in the best side of US, deep down the truth is India is my karma bhoomi.  It is the place where I know people will understand what I am, how I feel, how I would react or at least in one way or the other relate to in any remote way what I might be going through.  Whether I am limiting my kid's choices by this choice of relocating as soon as we are financially stable (but then again, how much is too much.  People who do not have a single penny or for that matter do not know where to find the next meal do survive!!!).

Phew!!! like the monkey mind jumping from a branch to another without connect I am writing without connect.  India is where my heart is, India is where my life is, India is where my destiny is as of now, this moment or maybe forever.

Apr 8, 2016

H - Housekeeping

Like everything else one thing that has changed over a period of time is my penchant to have things in order the OCD me transforming into the other extreme where cleaning is done only on an as needed basis... phew never a balance you see...

It all started with an OCD kid in the making, the one who could never focus on things if something was crooked or out of place even by 1/100th of an inch.  The panicky mom that I am takes a resolution to change that and now here we are both relaxing lazing around the piles of to-fold laundry, the to-do laundry overflowing in 1... na 2.. na 3 hampers, clothes pressed on when you need and eeks this is absolutely creased we need to... the dishwasher waiting to be emptied and you get the gist...

thinking of hiring a cleaner, so that explains it all....

Apr 7, 2016

G - God

A lot of things snap out of your life without a specific reason or maybe a lot of underlying reasons which are not obvious or so sudden to jolt you up but they sure do.  To me, God has just slipped out of my routine.  He was there I did not acknowledge, but I know I was never alone, some supreme was looking over me.  One needs to establish that connect with his/her own God, create his/her own heaven around oneself.

Finding God in work, everyone around you is one thing but finding God in oneself is much more important, we need to respect our body like a temple and the soul like a God...

Apr 6, 2016

F - Friends

If there is anything in life that I value the most other than my daughter, it is the friends.  There are quite of things in your life that are out of ones control but friends are the ones you choose, pick and keep them for life.  I am lucky to have some wonderful friends who look out for me, who think about me and place at a pedestal in their lives where it means a lot them and what can I say more than that I have been blessed.

Like everyone else, I have had some regrets and friends who have seen me through them, kept encouraging me to go on.  A friend who comes down to meet me when I need a pep talk just like that, lots of them offering help in any which way they can, friends who treat LO like their daughter, friends who ensure that I am fine.  I must agree that I put in a lot of effort in relationships but of late I have just cut off myself from them just the way I did with other things in life.  I dont call them often, I dont find out what is going on in their lives, I just pray they are fine.  Is it good, NOO.. what am I doing other than posting it here, well I need to put it in practice..

Apr 5, 2016

E for Entertainment

Entertainment is the primary source of my time pass in the non working days.  It has become an addiction is another thing altogether.

Entertaining nosey people and noisy people in life is something that I would like to stop, I set about working on it and seems to be working good.

Entertaining people at home is not my cup of tea, the parties where the sugar loaded kids are running around, parents trying to get them at one place and calm down, ladies discussing gold and fashion, gents jobs, sports (cricket), stocks or whatever it is... I am hating myself to the core to be a part of it, so if some one expects me to entertain in such a way... EXCUSE ME :) please...

Apr 4, 2016

D For Depression

This might be a depressing post from an individual who has been on the verge of a breakdown.  It is important to realize that depression is actually a problem that has to be addressed as a medical condition.  I have seen a couple of friends succumb to it, a few friends struggling with and myself on the verge of taking the medication with critical B12 count, the critical infection to go with, the seemingly unending rounds of tests going nowhere.

 One really good advice a friend who is to-date taking medication is never get on medication as the side effects are hopeless and it kind of becomes a zombied life once chemical take your body over and I totally agree to it.  Forcing myself out of the bed, to actually take a bath, eat something and move on with life, even a single movement was a struggle at days and what is the worst part of it is having a kid at home to take care of, to see it that none of this affects her.

A child who I have brought into this world, who meant everything to me, whose smile meant the world suddenly becomes a responsibility, a different entity than me, luckily she had been very cooperative and the situation did not get to a point where she became a burden but it was a pain to get myself to pull myself together, to put up an act that was well in front of her, hating myself for being like that... that was when Isha happened and it pulled me out of those depths, life fell back on track.  I would not say I am back to being my normal self but I was not in those blues where all I wanted to do was not get up in the morning or not go to sleep at night...

It is very dangerous if it goes undetected or overtreated.  We should have people who understand and want to make that effort.  It is a phase where nothing appeals to the person, one is at loss to understand what they want in life, what makes them go on, what should be done to pick up the strings and pull once up, the will to come out of it, the courage to let others know that it is how they feel, the inability to take those looks of pity or indifference or for that matter indifference of the person himself to everything in his/her life and herself too...

Being in good company, books, spiritual, the will to go on, the denial to give it up and of course something or someone above looking after you to come out helps.

The struggle is on, I am half way through to being myself but the other half is still a difficult path, need to work a bit harder but with the kid, her smile and her being the live example of "joy of being alive" helps a lot...

Apr 3, 2016

C for Challenge

With the need to catch up and be on track in the April Challenge, I just about race to post the supposedly the alphabet of the day C.

At a point where there is no intellectual or even simple challenge in day to day life, the zombied state that I am in most of the times, this I think will keep me on toes... and isnt it a pity that the only challenge at any point in one's life is a random blogging challenge, the actual challenge is to reverse this situation and be normal again....

and with this I finish the alphabet of the day with 10 minutes to spare :)

B For Blogging

Blogging has been a crucial thing in my most struggling phase of life, it kept me going, it kept me focused, I made a lot of friends down there, met some wonderful friends, people who just came to this spot and made sure to read 100s of posts and put in efforts to let me know and get in touch and appreciate, unknown, invisible people who read and actually made a point to let me know it did matter and I was normal, thanks a million.

In fact when I look back the phases where I had posted regularly were when I was at my best, had taken an active interest in life and the vacuum had really stress and vacuum filled in.  My best buddy, my space in this internet and an open dairy, a few people know who I am and a few dont, so a semi-anonymous blogger that I am, I hang on to this space for my sanity and that is proven many a time.

I was reading through my old posts randomly and find glimpses of the person I once was and the current stranger in my body gets a nudge to go away and bring back the now forgotten original or the current original to give way to once upon a time original...

Apr 2, 2016

A For April and America

The month of April has a lot of significance in my life, in fact that is when my life began and also that is the month the life within me was brought into this world, 9th the LO's birthday and 18th mine.  Two births in a lifetime, as a person and as a mom.

When I was told the kid was to have the same date of birth as me, I was happy for a moment, hesitant for a while (i wouldnt want her to have the bumpy ride that I had) and then when she had to be taken out surgically before time due to low amniotic fluid, she still was an April baby, the number 9 :).

and then the other significant A in my life is America, coming here has changed my life in many many ways.  I have come with dreams in my eyes, love in my heart, left it heartbroken and came back to restart, each time as a dependent, tying up my fate with OA, giving myself a reason to trust him for a life together and then for the future of the child, trying to find that magic that brought us together again.  I guess some things are lost forever or maybe you will find it just like that without trying too hard some time or the other, but whatever it is, here I am... yet again at crossroads, this time deciding to stay or to go back.

Like everything else in life, it has the pros and cons too.. America has widened my horizons and understanding people better, yet at the time it has restricted me in many ways as a non-working Alien in the immigration terminology.  A part of me longs to back there and take in the fresh air of belonging there and a part of me is unsure but then that is an unending dilemma...

April Blogging Challenge - Late Start

So, I see a couple of my blog buddies doing the A-Z challenge and then get asked by another to do the A-Z challenge, for a person trying to get back to blogging and looking for motivation, it seems like something good enough and here I go..

Like everything else, even the theme release is late... mine would be personal (PR).. what comes to my mind about my life when you think of that alphabet...put up the badge of the previous date just to appreciate the efforts of the organizers..

Apr 1, 2016


As part of decluttering home, kitchen is cleaned and with it comes the realization that half of it has never been and will never be used again :) so why not give away.  Home  feels fresher and cleaner thanks to a couple of buddies who came over to help... such friends are such a blessing in our life...

and then I fell in love head over heels with Sreeja's wedding album... she is extremely lucky to be given the second chance at life, the extremely supportive family.. 1st marriage made everyone feel "no parents should have a daughter like this" and the 2nd one "every child should have such parents"


For Evil Eyes on LO